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About Heppner gazette. (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 29, 1908)
New York City. HUMOR OF TiHE HOUR Selections THE FIRST JOKES. Do You Knjw Which the Original Eleven Ones Were? 1 Miss Agnes Heppller, lecturing on 'The Mission of Humor" at the Colony cluh, Now York, Bald she had been in formed that there were eleven original Jokes In the world. After she had said lier n'llotted say Mr. Joseph II. Chonte arose and, gallant as ever, remarked that he was now sure there were twenty-two original Jokes. Any man or wo man who produces eleven original jokes in a lecture is a world wonder. iW'ith all due respect to Miss Ilepplier, five are inclined to think that Mr. Choate was too amiable and too recep tive. What are these eleven original, fun damental, basic jokes, not made for a parish or an occasion, necessarily Hu man and universal? Look over the .comic weeklies from the beginning of Punch and you will find the same lines of humorous thought, endless repeti tions of a fool born jest, ponderous elaboration of a trifle, changes of an old idea to suit time aud place. The old jest books Joe Miller's, and, before liis, Foggltt and Bacon show how our predecessors anticipated us. riutarch's "Morals" is full of Jests and jocose anecdotes that are now fondly thought contemporaneous. Turn to his "Apo thegms or Remarkable Sayings of Kings and Great Commanders" and you nud this quip: A prating barber asked Archelaus how he would be trimmed. Archelaus answered, "In filence." Read "The Banquet of the Seven Wise Men," Englished by Roger Davis, A. M., and there a sage is thus reported: "In this mistake, however, I'm much of the youth's mind who, throwing a stone at a dog, hit his step mother, adding, 'My throw is not lost, however.' " The favorite jokes in this country have been for years based on the mother-in-law, the farmer and the summer boarder, the city boarding house, spring cleaning (and the stovepipe play ed an important part) and the greedy goat. The mother-in-law was naturally the victim of the first Jocose Bon-in-law, while there could be no joke about the stovepipe before the existence of the pipe. There Is the cannibal mis sionary joke that has done yeoman's service, but it cannot be older than the appearance of the first missionary. What are the primeval eleven Jokes? One of the oldest known to us begins "Old Noah, he had three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth," but there must hive teen jokes before the flood. What were the eleven that were preserved in the ark? No doubt the gag about the elephant bringing his trunk was coined by some irreverent looker on who saw in the embarkation only food for mirth. Death by drowning was too good for him. But what jokes did Noah .md his sons take with them for daily recreation? We can be sure of only one the mother-in-law jest. Will not Miss Reppiier tell to the world the other ten? Boston Herald. The Stiletto In Italy. "The reign of the knife and tho sti letto, which has been unquestioned In Italy for centuries," says the Rome cor respondent of a Berlin paper, "is to be brought to an end. For generations it has been the custom to carry a knife, and those men in the lower walks who had no knife carried a sharpened nail or file to be used on the slightest prov ocation. The wine is heavy, the blood of the people is hot, their power of self control small. Is it a wonder, then, that, with the murderous instrument always at hand, there should be so many fatal encounters? But the law makers have at last discovered that the morals of the whole nation have been influenced for the bad by the knife carrying custom, and laws will be passed similar to those now in force in some parts of the United States of America making it a crime to carry a deadly weapon." A Fling at the French Army. General Langlols, a distinguished of ficer of the French army, has aroused much uneasiness among his country men by asserting that the morale and discipline of the military forces of France are in an nlarming state of de generation. All the military enthusi asm of Napoleon's day, he remarks, has evaporated, patriotism is rapidly becoming a thing of the past, and the military organization of the republic, once so removed from sordid influences, ii controlled even in the minutest de tails ly politics ami olitlcians. Pro motions, furloughs, permits to men in the lowest ranks of the army to marry, fays General Langlols, are all subject to the control of civil magistrates in each prefecture, the results being com plete anarchy and disorganization in the army. He Got Homesick. When Rul.en Dario, the new Nica- ragnaii minister to Spain, arrived in ! New York recently on his way to his new post, he brought with him from Nicaragua a young man as his secre tary. The latter had never been so far away from Managua and at first the greatness of the American metropolis surprised him. Then it actually over awed him, and he lxcame afflicted with that yearning for home that is commonly known as homesickness. When Seuor Dario sailed for Madrid his secretary was not with him. lie informed tbe minister that he feared to go farther away from Nicaragua, and, the yearning for home overmas tering tbe ambition for diplomatic hon ors, he returned there "pronto. The Doctor's Little Girls. The little daughters of a Missouri doctor were much interested in the new baby which had arrived at the home of a neighbor and which their mother told t hem had. been brought by the stork. The children were promised a visit to the baby, and when the eventful day arrived Gladys sought her little sister and said: "Come on, sister. We are going to see Mrs. Smith's baby." To the surprise of all, the child declined to go. "I don't want to Fee the baby," she said. "I'd raver see the stork." These came little girls were busy nt work in the kitchen one morning when their mother entered the room. She noticed a dark concoction cooking i on the stove and attempted to remove the pan. "Oh, mamma," objected the children, "don't take it off. We are boiling a mud puddle." Lippincott's Magazine. So Thoughtful. Mr. Westend You seem very happy tonight Mrs. Westend Yes, indeed. That Jewel of a maid is not going to leave me after all. Mr. Westend Why, I thought you told me only the other day that she was going to Mrs. Murrayhlll's. Mrs. Westend Y'es, she was, but Mrs. Murrayhill died this morning. Was it not sweet of her? Judge. Affected Him Differently. "Maw, what's paw doing down in the basement? Patching up the ice box?" "No, dear. lie's putting new wire gauze on the screen doors." "How do you know?" "By the language he is using, dear." Chicago Tribune. Accommodating. "Madam," ventured the weary way farer, "could I get a cold bite here?" The housewife with the big broom laughed. "A cold bite?" she responded. "Why, certainly. I'll let Bruno eat some ice before he grabs you." Chicago Newa. The Question Pertinent. "When I was your age I never told a falsehood!" "Boo wh-wh-when did you begin boo-hoo-hoo?" Cupid ct the Bat. Pearl Y'es, our college had a fe male baseball team. Ruby Did you have any good catch ers? Fearl I should say so! Five of them caught husbands the first season and broke up the team. Chicago News. Cheep! Cheep! "I declare," remarked the duck, "if that little chick isn't trying to talk al ready! But it doesn't amount to much." "No," replied the young rooster scornfully, "all his talk is 'cheep.' " Catholic Standard and Times. Enough to Kill. "Of course," said Dabster, "I only write poetry to kill time, not to sell" "Well," quietly replied Crittick, handing back the manuscript, "if time weren't next to immortal I'm sure you'd be successful." Philadelphia Tress. The Question cf a Letter. "So your daughter has made a mat rimonial alliance with Count Fu cashi?" "That isn't a matrimonial alliance," answered Mr. Dustin Stax. "That's a patrimonial alliance." Washington Star. The Persistent Young Man. "Do you know, young man, that my Jaughter is accustomed to every lux ury?" "Is she, sir? Then I feel quite 6ure i that a complete change will be good for her." Cleveland Plain Dearer. Talked Too Much. Miss Sue Brette I bear your trage dian pot bit in the teeth last night with an egg? Foote Lighte Yes. That fellow nev er did know when to keep his mouth shut! Yonkers Statesman. Good as Settled. SingletonAre you going to buy that automobile you and your wife were looking at yesterday? Wedderly I suppose bo. My wife pays we can't afford It. Ilouvton Pot, The New York city police department has recovered about jt(K,(KX) iu stolen property during the last year. While the borough of Manhattan Is only 7 per cent of the area of New York city, it contains about one-half of the entire population. Tho most expensive publication, with the least income, In New York city is the City Record, which will cost New York $1,174,500 this year. If the real estate of Manhattan Island were divided equally among its inhabitants each Individual would own $2,020 worth, according to the as sessed value. New York Herald. Pointed Paragraphs. At the exact moment you try to show off look out for a streak of bad luck. When a man neglects a duty he says, "I was too busy," but usually he was too lazy. If you want to make a man mad, tell him not to lose his temper when he has already lost it. There is so little money earned In attending to other people's affairs that we wonder people don't quit it. By the time a man is wise enough to realize the importance of making hay when the sun shines it is twi light. Atchison Globe. Cold Weather Advice. to all is to beware of coughs and colds on the chest ; as neglected they leudily lead to pneumonia, consumption or other pulmonary troubles. Justas soon asthe cough appears tr?at it with Bal'ard's Horehound Syrup, the standard cure of America. Use bs directed petfectly harmless. A cure and ptevemive forall diseases of the lungs. Piioo 25c, 50c ; and $1 00 per bottle. Si Id by Patterson & Son. CASTOR I A For Infants and Children, The Kind You Have Always Bought Bears the Signature of Sum nioiia. In the Circuit Court of the State of Oregon for Morrow County. Cora Johnson, Plaintiff, va. Thomns J. Johnson, Defendant. To Thomas J. Johnson, the above named defendant: In the name of the State of Oiegon you are nereoy commanded to appear in the above entitled case on or before Monday, the 12th day of November, A D. 1908, to make answer to the oomplaint of plaintiff filed herein against you and in case you fail so to appear the allega : fii i ..ii . . nous oi me complaint win oe taken as confessed against you, and the plaintiff will apply to the Court tor the relief prayed f r in the complaint, to- it: for a decree of said court dissolving the bonds of hiatrimony existing between plaintiff and defendant, ami for the res toration of plaintiffs maiden name and t .il l r .. . ior Hiicnuuier unu lurmer reiiel as may De ubi anu equrtarne. The time prescribed for the pnblica tion cf the sumni ina is six weeks and tbe date for the appearance of the de fendant is on or before the lL'th day of November, A. D. 1"J08. That the summons i published by order of the Hon. C. C. Patterson, Judge ot tne bounty court of Morrow County, Oregon, which order was made on the 30th day of September, A. 1). 1908. The date of the first publication of this summons is the 1st day of October. A. D. 1908. SAM E. VAN VACTOR. Octl-Novl2 Attorney for Plaintiff. Notice to Creditors. Notice is hereby Riven that the Undersigned has been appointed by the County Court of Morrow County. Oregon. adminiHtrator ot the estate of Hnrah A. Hughes, deceased, and has Qualified for said trust All persons hnvingany claims aga'nst said estate are hereby notified to present the same to me duly verified with vouchers at the office of Ham E. Van actor at Heppner, Or Ron, within s x months from the date of the first publication of this notice. . , MA IT Hl'OHES. Administrator of the C6late of barah A. Hughes, deceased. 8am h. Van Vactor, nt'.orncy for the adminis trator. Dated and first published this first day of October. A. U. l'Mi. Oct 1-29 Notice to Creditor. Notice Is hereby pi von that the undersign d has been appointed by I lit; Ci.iintv Court of Morrow County. Oregon, a Iminigtr.itor of the eatatenf IsKa: Ahalt, deceased mid hs (pall tied for eajd trust. Ail peitonn h.Hvin cla'ins BKHinst said PKiat are notified to present the tHMie to me duly verified wi h voucher at the omcs or Pain K. Van icti.r, at Heppner, Ore t'on, within six months from t tic it!ti of the nrsi publication of tMs iiutict v v i ir ii t Administrator of the estate of Ar.alt, de ceased. Hin K Van Vactor, st'ornev for Adminis trrttor Hated anil first piiblishad this Isf October. A. 1). Kk.-i. ) dnv of :t 1 2:1 NOTICE FOR PLHLICATIO.V (Hoi; Public Lund Sale ;d Tractj La Grande, OreKnn, Ijind Ol!!re,?ept 2, 1P0S. Notice is hereby pi ven that, or directed by the ComniitHOiier of the General lnd Office, nnder provisions of Act of Conitref- improved Jane 27, l'."U. Public No. Hfl, we will otter at public sale, to the highest bidder, at 10 o'clock a. m , on the 12th dsj- of November, next, at this oftiie, the follow ing tract of land, to-wU- NW!4 SVV U Sec. 2H NK!t SWJ Sec :. T. 1 H, H. 27 . VI. M . eriHl No. iiliJ. Any persons claiming adverxely the above deecribed lands are advised to file their claims, or objections, on or before the day above desig nated for sale. Octl-Nov5 F.C. HHAMWKI.L. IWister. A. A. KOBKKTS. Jteceivcr. POLEYSIflDNEYCUDB Makes Kidneys and Bladder Right Boycr & Wherry Fresh and Salted Meats Fish on Fridays Highest market price paid ror fat stock HE PPNE R. OREGON Ice Cream Ice ('ream Soda High (irade Cigars Fresh Candies Nuts and Fruits Lunch Goods Ice Cold Coca Cola Orangeade Root IWr Imperial Hotel Portland, Oregon Modern six story, fireproof building. j European Plan I a t e $1.00 (rcl tip. Phil Mktschan, Manager. Phil Metschan, Jr. Asct. Manager. f GILLIAM The Palm j ) Robert Hart, Prop. it I HARDWARE Tools, Machinery, Fencing, in fact, anything in onr line. Come and get prices. GILLIAM 1 4$3"33f VUres ougua, uma, viuujj, xa vjwijjjc, lsinma, inroat The Genuine is In the and Lung Troubles. Prevents Pneumonia and Consumption YELLw packaos For Scale ly 491 0014 ula JDriaig Company, ' North Beach Invites Invigorates Infatuates Nature'8 lavish hand endowed North Health with every attrac tion as a place of rest, with re juvenation and recreation. North B'ach is a stretch of Beautiful woodland dropping gently into the "Pacific" and skirted by 20 milea of smooth, sandy beach delightful for bath ing. BUY A TICKET OVER The O. R. & N. TAKING THE STEAMER "T. J. Potter" DOWN THE RIVER FROM PORTLAND Mingle with the gay care-free throng, whilst sweet nature re build worn tissues and renews lite, energy and vitality. The round trip season rate from Heppner is $11.80 "Outings in Oregon," contains the story of "Notth Beach," in eluding hotel rates, etc. Ask J. B. Huddelston, local agent, Hepp ner, Oregon, OR WRITE Wm McMURRAY, Gen'l Pass Agent, Portland, Or NOTICE FOR PI BI-ICATIO V Department of the Interior, U. S. Land Ollice at La Grande, Oregon, Ang. 24, 1908. Notice is hereby given that Lizzie I. Cox, of Heppner. Oregon, who on August 12. 1908 made Timber and Htone sworn statement, No. 0911, for SWJ, Section 2, Township 4, South Range 28, East Willamette Meridian, baa filed notice ot intention to make Final Timber proof, to estab lish claim to the land above described, before J. P. Williams, U. S. Commissioner, at Heppner Oregon, on the 10th day of November, 1908. Claimant names as wit esses: Edgar Palmer, of Lexington, Oregon, Joseph Rector. Frank Brown and George Moore all of Heppner, Oregon, AugCT-OcttH) F. C. ERAMWELL, Register Polk's Gazettker A business Di rectory of each city, town and vi lage in Oregon and Washington, giving a de scriptive sketch of each nlaoe, together with tbe location and shipping facili ties and a classified directory of each business and profestion. R. L, Polk & Co., Inc., Seattle. & BISBEE ! & BISBEE 3 5 - JJ - zlj'jb PALACE hotei HEPPNER, OREGON Leading Eastern Oregon Hou. MODERN CONVENIENCES ELECTRIC LIGHTED . . . Cnder? New Management. Thoroughly Eenovated en J UefJitled. Best Wer.l8 in tbe City. HADDOCK & CO. Props. fEHSSt Sam E. VanVactor, ATTORNEY AT LAW. Office on west end of May Btreet Heppner Oregon,. C. E. WOODSON. A TTORNEY-A T-LA W Office In Palace Hotel Heppner, Oregon N. E. WINNARD, M. S., M. D. PHYSICIAN fe S UliO EON. Hpeoial attention given to diseases of tbe eye, ear, nose and throat. Glasses properly fitted. Office: The Fair Building. Heppner, . . Oregon. IV. L. SMITH, ABSTRACTER. Only complete set of abstract book in Morrow county. Heppner, Oregon DR. METZLER. Located in Odd Fellows building. Rooms 5 and 6. DR. M. A. LEACH IJKXTIST Permanently lnonted in Heppoer. Office in the new Fair building. Gas ad ministered. Clarence M. White LAWYER Heppner, Oregon Phelps & Notson ATTORNEYS AT LAW. Office In Odd Fellows Bid Heppner, Oregon, Frank B. Kistner PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON. Office in Patterson & Son's drugstore Residence in Morrow building over Patterson A Son's Drugstore. NOTICE FOH PUBLICATION , Department of the Interior V 8 Land Office at La Grande, Oregon, October 5th, 1908. Notice is hereby given that Leander Copple. of Heppner, Oregon, who, on Sept. 30th, 1!H, madeTimber ApplUa'ion No. Olt-lS for W'i BWK. NE4SW!i and NM4 KE!i, Sectijn 4, Township 4 3 , Mange 28, K. W. M has fi'cd notice of his intention to make tinal Timbtr proof, to establish his claim to the land above detcribed, before J, P. Williams, U. 8. Commis sioner, nt his office in Heppner, Oregon, on the 22d day of Decamber, l'.'OS- Claimant names ss witnesses: David M. Ctillongh, Samuel SI. Cullongh, I'aul Hisler, and Gcorgo Stevenson, all of Heppner, Oregon. OctB-Dic9 F. C. Bit AM WELL, ltoglster. NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION Department of the Interior 1'. S. Land Uilice at l.alirand.e Oregnrr September8. i:s. Notice is hereby given that James M. Hager of Heppner, Oregon, who, on Kept. St), 1KH made Timber Api lieaticn No. 013 for S,1 NEKi 8", NWfc, section 22, T, 4 8. R.28 E. W. M. has tiled notice of intention to make Final Timber Proof, to eetnhllsh. claim to the land above described, before J. P. Williams, U. S, Com missioner, at his oilice in Heppner, Oregon, on the 24th day of November, lti08. Claimant names as witnesses: Horace Y nknm. Sherman lEbaw, Claude Her ren and Willard H. Herren, a'l of Heppner Oregon. ' Spt lT-Nov ISO F. C. URAMWELL, Iteglster. NOTICE FOR KUBLICATION. Department of the Inferior, United States Land Office La Giande, Oregon, Sept. 17. IVOS. Notice is hereby given, that, C. A' Minor, ot Heppner, County of Morrow, State of Oregon, has filed in this office hia application to select under the provisions of the Act of Congress, approved June 4, 1897. the VV;j HKV Sec. 15, TV 4 S.. T. 27 E., W. M., Serial No. 0.921. Any and all persons claiming adversely tho lands described, or desiring to object because oi the mineral character of the land, or for any other reason to the disposal to applicant, shouhl BJe their affidavits of protost in this office on o; before the 4th day of November, 1K)S. F. C. BK AM WELL, Sept 21-Oct 29 IteKistcr. NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION. Department of the Interior. U. 8. Land Ollice at The Dalles, Oregon, Sept. 15, VMH. Notice is hereby given that George L. lMgers.of Portland, Oregon, who, on Sept. 15th, 1'IOH. mado timber and stone sworn statement No. (HOlii, for 8", 8W4 andS'i Section 5, Township d S., It. 2H K , VY. II. has tiled notice of intention to make final proof, to establish claim to the land above descrih-jd, before Kegistcr and H.v ceiver at The Dalles, Oregon, on the 7th day ot Dec, l'.. Claimant names as witnesses: E. J. Catlett J. A. McMorris and Frank: f liter. of t.oudoii, Or. and Kalph J. Gilbert, of Portland, Or. o. W. MOjRE, Register. Sept 24 Oct 29 FOLEYSHONETTAR topsth cough and hle luntfe CONTAINS NO HARMFUL DRUGS