LIVES BY HER WITS.
HAD A PERFECT ALIBI.
Only It* Sons* of Humor Saved Thi*
Hon From Decapitation.
For some time, writes "Suburbanite"
bi tbe Glasgow News, one of my hens
Las been indulging Itself in a practice
that but for tbe little Joke Involved
sould have ended In its decapitation.
It Is one of a pen of eight egg ma
chines. or seven, rather, for Its egg
producing mechanism is considerably
out of order. Its best average being
i
about one in tbe fortnight. Yet until
recently that hen was scheduled on my i
book as the premier layer. That hap
pened In this way:
Every morning when I made my ap
pearance In tbe garden Nora (tbe ben)
would be found clucking beside one of
the eggs with all the force of its rau
cous throat.
If any of its sisters laid claim to the
property there would be a wild flutter,
and tbe audacious bird would continue
ber boasting when she bad cleared her
bill of feathers.
Some time ago I discovered her in
tbe act of taking up ber stand over the
production of another ben. aud a care
ful watch thereafter disclosed her true
capabilities. A sense of humor Is un
doubtedly one of them, aud this Is be
ing regarded as a saving grace, for I
have decided to allow her to continue
living by ber wits.
And Plenty of Witness** Stood Ready
to Testify to It.
A lawyer iu t’urtlaud. Ore., was
WHS as
as-
«igued to defeud a Chinaman accused
Of murder. He had a talk with the
official interpreter, who In turu had
talked with the uiau In Jail, and that
PERSIA’S POET LAUREATE.
Hi* Job, When He Had One, Wae
Anything but a Sinecure.
Persia is the only country beside*
England where a poet laureate ha*
been officially maintained until re-
ceutly.
Shah Muzzaffer el Din in 1890 abol
ished tbe post of honor, which tbe
court of Teheran for centuries bad
boasted. Hut tbe duties of tbe laureate
of old Ivan were far more onerous
than those of bls British confrere.
Court etiquette demanded that when
ever the "king of kings" traveled his
entourage bad to include a dwarf, a
giant, a Jester, a historiographer and a
poet laureate.
The last two were kept busy, for,
while tbe historiographer bad to record
for posterity all tbe doings and sayings
of the shah (padl-sbab), tbe laureate
was called upon to celebrate a large
proportion of these in verse. This cus
tom was not so bad after all. and it
was rigidly observed and followed up.
for the shah, knowing that many of
bls deeds and utterances would be
crystallized into au ode. on his Imperial
wandering felt bound to speak and to
behave majestically, a thing that Muz
zaffer el Din. who abolished tbe lau-
reatesbip. never did. — Philadelphia
Ledger.
earnest person assured the lawyer that
tbe prlsouer was Innocent; that at the
time of the crime lie hud been miles
away In a railroad camp, Later they
went to the Jail to have a talk with
the prisoner.
The official Interpreter held a
long
conversation, the lawyer giving blui
the questions
it seemed all straight
aud regular, The interpreter Insisted
that the prisoner had a perfect alibi.
It m as some weeks before tbe case
was called, and shortly before that
time the lawyer wanted another talk
with the accused man. The official in
terpreter had disappeared, and so he
secured for bis Interpreter this time a
Chinaman who bad been his cook and
who talked fairly good English. They
went to tbe Jail
“Tell him." he instructed the inter
preter. “that I want him to relate to
me again the exact circumstances, all
he knows about this, tbe whole truth
and particularly where be was that
night."
Tbe two Chinese Jabbered together
for fifteen minutes. Then the Inter
prefer turned nnd said. “He say after
he shoot the man he lun down Mollison
stleet an’ thlow pistol In McGuire’s
fish yard."
“Hold on!" yelled tbe lawyer "That
can’t be true
Ask him again
Ac
cording to the other story be was miles
away and didn't shoot the man at all."
There was another long conversation
between tbe Interpreter and tbe prison
er. Then the interpreter said: "Oh.
les; he shoot the man. He say he shoot
him an' lun down Mollison stleet an'
thlow pistol Into McGuire’s fish yard."
“But," insisted the lawyer. "1 was
told be was not Iu the city at all that
night but miles away In a railroad
camp."
The Interpreter smiled blandly. "Oh.
les." he assented cheerfully, "he have
plenty witnesses to plove that”—Satur
day Evening Post.
WIT OF A MORO UMPIRE.
He Had Learned Our Language Fast
and Knew How to Use It.
Captain John E. Morris of the Sixth
Infantry was at one time, some years
ago, stationed with bls company in
some Inaccessible Moro town. Morris
thought that if the Moros of his dis
trict could become Interested In some
sporting Rtunt outside of head bunting
the United States Insurance companies’
mortality tables could readily be read
An Uncomplimentary Composer.
justed ro far as soldiers were concern
A young tenor, whose misfortune it
ed. so he encouraged his men to teach
was to bo hideously ugly, wulted on
the Moros baseball. When a man Is
Cherubini one day nnd asked to be al
playing baseball he Is not chopping off
lowed to give a specimen of his vocal
beads, and Captain Morris appreciated
powers. For a wonder bls application
Ibis tact.
was met by a sulky nod of acqules
Two baseball teams were organized,
ceuce.
He sang, and sang superbly
a Moro team and a team from Morris’
There came auother nod. accompanied
company, and one day the lirat game of
by something like a snort of satisfac
tbe series was to be pulled off. Tbe
tion. Then came a pause, which, after
question of the umpire was the great
a minute or so. was broken by tbe
one of the moment, and after much
youthful artist asking in faltering ac
discussion a native Moro was selected
cents whether he might eventuallj
to pass upon the fine poiuts of the
hope for an engagement at the grand
ga me.
opera. "No!" thundered the director
In Filipino "umpire” Is properly ex
"Hut, M. Cherubini"— "No!" The dis
pressed as “makifula." and when Cap
consulate artist was slowly departing
tain Morris arrived on the scene of the
when Cherubini rose, took blm by both
proposed ball game the Moro who was
arms and looked hint fully tn the face
to be umpire approached him.
“1 am sorry.” be said, "very Borry. but.
"Makifula, me." remarked the Moro
mon cber. do you think that the opera
Captain Morris looked nt the native
could get up a company of orang ou
umpire without in the slightest under
taugs to sing with you?”—Sala’s "Life
standing wbat he was driving at “I’m
and Adventures."
•lad you are a ’makifula,’ “ he remark
ed. "but please Inform me what the
Worth the Penalty.
word means."
John, four years old. was trying to
“Men ns makifula of Americans." re
run the lawn mower, which be bad plied the Moro. "Me learn American
been forbiddeu to touch.
language fast"—San Francisco Chron-
Ills mother came to tbe door and Icle.
told him to stop it. but John ran the
mower down the strip of lawn aud
Counting a Herring Catch.
back again before be stopped.
The fact that the record catch of
“You will have to come Into the herrings was 320 crans. Is proof posi
bouse and stay for an hour,” said his tive that they were captured on the
mother.
east coast of Scotland. On the west of
“Why did you run that mower after Scotland herrings are counted, not
I told yon to stop?" she asked.
"male"
of berrines Is
measured, A
u
-------
“Well, mamma," said John. “I’d five long hundreds, and a long hun
rather have run It twice and have to dred Is 123 At Yarmouth and Grims-
Grims
stay tn the house for an hour than not by tbev are counted by the “warp,
run it at all."-Natlonal Monthly.
which is four, and thirty three of these
make a long hundred. Ten hundreds
make a "thousand" and ten “thou
Political Birds.
Wife (reading)—Isn’t this funny, my sand" a "last" Therefore, when Is a
a
hundred 7-Imndon
dear? Here is an article which says hundred not
they have found a new species cf birds
In Australia which have four legs
Now. whatever do you suppose they
wnnt four legs for?
Husband (yawning)—They are prob
ably politicians, my love, and by this
beautiful contrivance they are enabled
to stand on both sides of tbe fence st
the same time.—London Mall.
Not Like Hi* Grandfather.
"Doctor. I’m getting tired of this
everlasting dunning
You ought to
have more respect for me than that
My grandfather was one of th* earliest
aettlers."
■"Wall. I wi»h you had inherited that
quality and would aettl* early."—Phila-
d*lphla Ledger.
dear.
Hyde Park’s Marble Areh.
The rnarbl* *rrb of the north aide of
Hide park. London, designed original
h by King Georg* IT. to be an en-
ftenc* to Buckingham palace, cost £80,-
vuu
An Attack That Wholly Demoralized
the Partisan Rangers.
Colonel John S. Mosby, commander
of the Partisan rangers, who gave
such dashing service in tbe southern
cause, told of au amusing incident iu
• which be figured.
I Iu tbe summer of 18(H when General
' i’hll Sheridan was in the valley of the
Shenandoah be found himself much
harassed by Mosby, who was continu-
ally cutting off bls supply trains. Au
army cannot fight on an empty stom
ach, and Mosby knew it. One bright
morning Mosby heard that a long sup
ply traiu was winding its way down
the valley. By noon the rangers In
their gray uniforms were gathered at
tbe forks of the valley pike, watching
for the bead of the wagon train to ap
pear.
Presently a cloud of dust was seen
rising far up tbe road, and as the wind
blew it aside tbe Confederates caught
sight of a line of men in blue escorting
a caravan of lumbering wagons drawn
by mules. Instantly Mosby gave the
order to run a little howitzer up on the
side of a hill and unllmber it. As soon
as the gun had opened fire the rest of
tbe men were to make a cavalry charge
and throw the traiu into confusion.
The rangers Jerked the gun into po
sition and began to swab It out. Sud
denly the man with the swab gave a
shrill yell, seized the seat of bis panta
loons and fled down the bill aud out
into the road. Almost in the same
moment the other man at the gun i
abandoned it. He seemed to be light
ing at the air as he disappeared over
a stone wall.
Tbe sutler's wagons were creeping
nearer, and Mosby did not know what
to think of such extraordinary conduct.
He ordered four more men to the gun.
but hardly bad they reached it when
they, too. yelled, began to beat tbe air
madly with tbelr bats and took to
flight.
Spurring bis horse over tbe stone
wall, Mosby rode toward tbe gun, but
his stay was short. The howitzer stood
just over a hornets’ nest, and those
busy Insects were resenting the intru
sion. They had repelled the invaders
on foot, aud now they swarmed on
Mosby’s horse till tbe maddened ani-
mal tore off down tbe pike on a run.
Then they turned their attention to
tbe rest of tbe troop.
Their attack was so vicious that the
rangers gave up any idea of standing
by tbe gun. They scattered far and
wide, and it was an hour before they
returned. When they did the wagon
train had safely vanished in the dis
tance. So the hornets saved the day
for Sheridan.—Youth’s Companion.
[J
When Selecting Your
I
) Christmas Presents @
Remember
A. H. HARRIS,
(
(
S/
A,
^Jewelry, Diamonds and Watches>
/
\
'
))
To Select from.
(j
\\
I assure you a Square Deal, be it great \
Z or small.
Call and see me, I take pleasure in
: showing my goods.
A. H. HARRIS,
Jeweler and Optician,
find
with the famous Reflex Ed*ea (pat’d) that pre
vent water from running in at the front when
buttoned. No wet weather coat ao uaetul aa a
5/ii^er. No Slicker •»» wateryoof^durable^of
neat in appearance aa the / /sA Brand Kefin.
Get yours today and be prepared K m KWA.
$3.00
GUARANTEED
A. J. TOWER CO.
BOSTON
J1
Tower Canadian Limited
Toronto
I
Mutual Phone
Why Spend Xmas Without Choicest
Fruits and Confectionery?
GUEST’S
NOVELTY STORE
IsNow Located in the
New Masonic Building,
2nd Street,
With a Fine Bine of Notions.
TOYS —CANDIES—SCHOOL SUPPI.IE.
Shop Early at Toyland
Babies will grow and while they
are growing, you should have them
photographed often enough to keep
a record oi each interesting stage
of their childhood. You will prize
the collection of baby’s picture*
more and more as the years go by
Monk’s Studio
If you are thinking of buying
a good Harness, horse covers,
halters, or anything in the har
ness line it will pay you to see
me.
I also carry the famous Shar
key’s collar.
Bechtel's Harness Shop
TILLAMOOK, ORE.
Made My Life
Worth Living
‘■I feel it my duty to tell others what
Chamberlain ’ r Tabh’ta have done for
L. Dunlap, of Oak
writes Mrs. L
Grove. Miiii. "I have
Buffered with pains in
my back and under
iny shonlder blade for
• ouiii I ht of /ear*,
also with a poor appe
tite and constipation.
1 tii. d all Of th«’ rem
edies that I heard of,
ami a numtier of doc
tors. but got no relief.
Finally u friend told
me to try Chamber
lain * Stomach and
Liver Tablet*. I got
a bottle of them aud
they soon helped my
stomach; by their
gentle action my bow
els became more reg
ular Today I feel Uk*
praising them to all
who suffer as I did, for
tbey haVH cured me srl made my Ilf*
worth living "
Hurt hf
Coal, Cement, Lime,
Brick, Shingles,
Drain Tile.
Plaster, Roof Paint.
Best Mmhcm* Made
fcrlU-y.nd BUMar'WJef
FOLEY
= KIDNEY
PILLS
Lr Backache.
Rheumatism.
Kidneys ssd
Bladder.
LAMB-SCHRADER COMPANY.
DOCKS : WARRHOV9K.
FRONT
»
Everywhere
SATISFACTION
A. LINEBECK, Manager
J.L.IAWNON
cto’
I
TOWER’S FISH BRAND
REFLEX SUCKER
FROM DEC. 5th TO JAN. 14th, 1914. ’
All those who purchase Pianos from A.
Lineback’s Piano Store, First St., T’llatnook
City, will receive twelve music lessons free of
charge.
Purchasers may select their own
Teachers.
Pianos sold at the regular low prices and
easy terms if desired.
Organs taken in ex
change.
These lessons are a Xmas present from
A. Lineback’s piano store.
We invite you
all to call at our store and select your piano
and take advantage of those twelve lessons 1
will give you.
Store open evenings until 9 P. M.
Fruit Palace, Opposite Star Theatre
I
of
and long hour* of exposure will fiad
you dry and comfortable if you wear a
AN XMAS PRESENT
Fancy California softshell 25c per lb., 2 lbs. for 45c.
No 2 softshell 20c per lb., 2 lbs. for 35c.
Italian Chestnuts, 20c per lb., 2 lbs. for 35c.
Fresh roasted peanuts, 2 lbs. for 25c.
Filberts 20c per lb.
Lawson's mixture of nuts 15c per lb.
Mixed candies 15 to 25c.
Imported Smyrna figs 25c per lb., 2 lbs. 45c
Persian dates 2 lbs. for 25c.
Fard dates 15c per lb.
Fancy fruit baskets ready for table to order. Don’t
forget to look over our line of Xmas Box Chocolate
Candv. Pears and Grapes all winter.
He Plagued Him.
Tbe catcher was haring an argument
with the umpire.
"I’ll fix you so you won’t be an epi
reward ”
demic any longer!" threatened th* um
"I will • replied tbe official, “just ** pire, beginning to lo*e bl* temper
won hs a "bole lot of people get Pa
"What do you mean by I won’t be
triotic enough to quit sending their an epidemic any longer?’ asked the
bills to me."—Washington Star.
catcher
"I’ll send you to tbe bench." i eturn
Mutual Concession»-
ed the umpire, "and then you won t b*
• BligglnR and bls wife seem to be on cat chin’.”—Pittsburg Pre**
tbe l«ext of terms
They make mutual conce«-
Welcomed.
"Yes
He stand* on the corner ano
and .
to ârreBt yon." said tho
•■ions
«bouts Votes for women.' ; while «he I pollccmsn
erj time the home team
The man who was haring trouble
«■beers
with bls wife threw both arms «round
scores a run "—Washington Star.
tbe officer and exclaimed
I
This Isn’t any arrest This is • «•-
Does0"* ’ Work Both Way*«
he
hii wife. cue "-Washington Star
"I (old him
1 rery mtKh flattered
and he serme..’
A Failure.
I hl* wife she resembled
-Gee’ I told
First Frrall Boy—I« your slater any
him. and she won’t speak to
St playing ball? Fécond Small
Houston I’uat
Boy Naw She can t throw anything
but a fit or catch anything but a bee a.
One Way.
-New York Times
Willi- I’»«. h.’W C*. you
W.A. Williams & Cc
PIANO LESSONS FREE
JWUTS
Proved It Ws* 8impl*.
In a registration booth iu San Fran
cisco an old colored woman bad Just
finished registering for tbe first time.
“Am you shore,” she asked the clerk.
”dat I's done *11 I has to do?'
“Quite sure,” replied the clerk; “you
see. it’s very simple."
“I's ought to knowed it” said tbe
old woman. "If those fool men folks
been doin' it all dese year* I might ’a’
knowed it was a powerful simple proc
ess .’’—Life.
witli tlie problem of buying Humes*
you will find it distinctly advanta
geous to come and do your select
ing here. You will get the best
qualities, the most thorough and
conscientious workmanship nnd be
charged the most reasonable prices.
We can supply single or double
Set* or any single article that you
may be in need of.
InTillaniook Drug Co.’s Store, opposite P.O. (
APPLE#
Iron Mold Stains.
Iron mold stains spread in any fabric
they come In contact with In tbe wash.
To remove them stretch tbe stained
part over a basin nearly full of boiling
water, so that tbe steam may pene
trate the fabric, and apply with a
feather a teaspoonful of salt dissolved
in a dessertspoonful of lemon Juice.
When tbe marks disappear dip tbe ma
terial well into the hot water, after
ward rinsing very thoroughly in cold
water.
'HARNESS
The Jeweler has a Beautiful Line of
Fancy Spitzcnbergers $1.50 per box.
Northern Spys $1 50 per box.
Baldwins $1.40 per box.
Pleas For Patriotism.
"You should be patriotic and contrib
ute your valuable services to your
country without thought of pecuniary
nati Enquirer.
y
u
N
//
V
QUALITY the best; PRICES within reach of every.
body.
We carry the most complete line in Tilla-
mook.
Noticc these prices:
Best Sun kist Oranges 20c to 40c per doz.
Bananas, Port la mon 30c to 35c per doz.
Where Science Fails.
Science has wrought many achieve
ments, but It bas not cleared up a sin
gle elemental mystery, and It bas cre
ated a thousand lesser mysteries that
never were Imagined until science
came. Science bas demonstrated that
this oak of a world used to be an
acorn, but bow that acorn came into
existence or whence it obtained the
latent elements that now have become
an oak science bas not suggested. Sci
ence has made it possible for a manu
facturer to cut down three trees in
his forest at 7:35 tn tbe morning, to
have them made Into i<nper at 0:34 and
to have them selling on tile street as
newspapers at 10:25, but whether tbe
manufacturer himself is a brain that
bas a mind or Is a mind that bas a
brain science canuot even guess.—At
lantic Monthly.
Standard.
the num Of time’
on a thirty day note, oaf *°n
k
MOSBY FLED WITH HIS MEN. '¡j
STWKKT.
HKTWBBN >nd A Srd AVKMÍK WEST
I
SSL.