LIVES BY HER WITS. HAD A PERFECT ALIBI. Only It* Sons* of Humor Saved Thi* Hon From Decapitation. For some time, writes "Suburbanite" bi tbe Glasgow News, one of my hens Las been indulging Itself in a practice that but for tbe little Joke Involved sould have ended In its decapitation. It Is one of a pen of eight egg ma­ chines. or seven, rather, for Its egg producing mechanism is considerably out of order. Its best average being i about one in tbe fortnight. Yet until recently that hen was scheduled on my i book as the premier layer. That hap­ pened In this way: Every morning when I made my ap­ pearance In tbe garden Nora (tbe ben) would be found clucking beside one of the eggs with all the force of its rau­ cous throat. If any of its sisters laid claim to the property there would be a wild flutter, and tbe audacious bird would continue ber boasting when she bad cleared her bill of feathers. Some time ago I discovered her in tbe act of taking up ber stand over the production of another ben. aud a care­ ful watch thereafter disclosed her true capabilities. A sense of humor Is un doubtedly one of them, aud this Is be­ ing regarded as a saving grace, for I have decided to allow her to continue living by ber wits. And Plenty of Witness** Stood Ready to Testify to It. A lawyer iu t’urtlaud. Ore., was WHS as as- «igued to defeud a Chinaman accused Of murder. He had a talk with the official interpreter, who In turu had talked with the uiau In Jail, and that PERSIA’S POET LAUREATE. Hi* Job, When He Had One, Wae Anything but a Sinecure. Persia is the only country beside* England where a poet laureate ha* been officially maintained until re- ceutly. Shah Muzzaffer el Din in 1890 abol­ ished tbe post of honor, which tbe court of Teheran for centuries bad boasted. Hut tbe duties of tbe laureate of old Ivan were far more onerous than those of bls British confrere. Court etiquette demanded that when­ ever the "king of kings" traveled his entourage bad to include a dwarf, a giant, a Jester, a historiographer and a poet laureate. The last two were kept busy, for, while tbe historiographer bad to record for posterity all tbe doings and sayings of the shah (padl-sbab), tbe laureate was called upon to celebrate a large proportion of these in verse. This cus­ tom was not so bad after all. and it was rigidly observed and followed up. for the shah, knowing that many of bls deeds and utterances would be crystallized into au ode. on his Imperial wandering felt bound to speak and to behave majestically, a thing that Muz­ zaffer el Din. who abolished tbe lau- reatesbip. never did. — Philadelphia Ledger. earnest person assured the lawyer that tbe prlsouer was Innocent; that at the time of the crime lie hud been miles away In a railroad camp, Later they went to the Jail to have a talk with the prisoner. The official Interpreter held a long conversation, the lawyer giving blui the questions it seemed all straight aud regular, The interpreter Insisted that the prisoner had a perfect alibi. It m as some weeks before tbe case was called, and shortly before that time the lawyer wanted another talk with the accused man. The official in­ terpreter had disappeared, and so he secured for bis Interpreter this time a Chinaman who bad been his cook and who talked fairly good English. They went to tbe Jail “Tell him." he instructed the inter­ preter. “that I want him to relate to me again the exact circumstances, all he knows about this, tbe whole truth and particularly where be was that night." Tbe two Chinese Jabbered together for fifteen minutes. Then the Inter prefer turned nnd said. “He say after he shoot the man he lun down Mollison stleet an’ thlow pistol In McGuire’s fish yard." “Hold on!" yelled tbe lawyer "That can’t be true Ask him again Ac­ cording to the other story be was miles away and didn't shoot the man at all." There was another long conversation between tbe Interpreter and tbe prison­ er. Then the interpreter said: "Oh. les; he shoot the man. He say he shoot him an' lun down Mollison stleet an' thlow pistol Into McGuire’s fish yard." “But," insisted the lawyer. "1 was told be was not Iu the city at all that night but miles away In a railroad camp." The Interpreter smiled blandly. "Oh. les." he assented cheerfully, "he have plenty witnesses to plove that”—Satur­ day Evening Post. WIT OF A MORO UMPIRE. He Had Learned Our Language Fast and Knew How to Use It. Captain John E. Morris of the Sixth Infantry was at one time, some years ago, stationed with bls company in some Inaccessible Moro town. Morris thought that if the Moros of his dis­ trict could become Interested In some sporting Rtunt outside of head bunting the United States Insurance companies’ mortality tables could readily be read­ An Uncomplimentary Composer. justed ro far as soldiers were concern­ A young tenor, whose misfortune it ed. so he encouraged his men to teach was to bo hideously ugly, wulted on the Moros baseball. When a man Is Cherubini one day nnd asked to be al playing baseball he Is not chopping off lowed to give a specimen of his vocal beads, and Captain Morris appreciated powers. For a wonder bls application Ibis tact. was met by a sulky nod of acqules Two baseball teams were organized, ceuce. He sang, and sang superbly a Moro team and a team from Morris’ There came auother nod. accompanied company, and one day the lirat game of by something like a snort of satisfac­ tbe series was to be pulled off. Tbe tion. Then came a pause, which, after question of the umpire was the great a minute or so. was broken by tbe one of the moment, and after much youthful artist asking in faltering ac­ discussion a native Moro was selected cents whether he might eventuallj to pass upon the fine poiuts of the hope for an engagement at the grand ga me. opera. "No!" thundered the director In Filipino "umpire” Is properly ex­ "Hut, M. Cherubini"— "No!" The dis pressed as “makifula." and when Cap­ consulate artist was slowly departing tain Morris arrived on the scene of the when Cherubini rose, took blm by both proposed ball game the Moro who was arms and looked hint fully tn the face to be umpire approached him. “1 am sorry.” be said, "very Borry. but. "Makifula, me." remarked the Moro mon cber. do you think that the opera Captain Morris looked nt the native could get up a company of orang ou umpire without in the slightest under­ taugs to sing with you?”—Sala’s "Life standing wbat he was driving at “I’m and Adventures." •lad you are a ’makifula,’ “ he remark­ ed. "but please Inform me what the Worth the Penalty. word means." John, four years old. was trying to “Men ns makifula of Americans." re­ run the lawn mower, which be bad plied the Moro. "Me learn American been forbiddeu to touch. language fast"—San Francisco Chron- Ills mother came to tbe door and Icle. told him to stop it. but John ran the mower down the strip of lawn aud Counting a Herring Catch. back again before be stopped. The fact that the record catch of “You will have to come Into the herrings was 320 crans. Is proof posi­ bouse and stay for an hour,” said his tive that they were captured on the mother. east coast of Scotland. On the west of “Why did you run that mower after Scotland herrings are counted, not I told yon to stop?" she asked. "male" of berrines Is measured, A u ------- “Well, mamma," said John. “I’d five long hundreds, and a long hun­ rather have run It twice and have to dred Is 123 At Yarmouth and Grims- Grims­ stay tn the house for an hour than not by tbev are counted by the “warp, run it at all."-Natlonal Monthly. which is four, and thirty three of these make a long hundred. Ten hundreds make a "thousand" and ten “thou­ Political Birds. Wife (reading)—Isn’t this funny, my sand" a "last" Therefore, when Is a a hundred 7-Imndon dear? Here is an article which says hundred not they have found a new species cf birds In Australia which have four legs Now. whatever do you suppose they wnnt four legs for? Husband (yawning)—They are prob­ ably politicians, my love, and by this beautiful contrivance they are enabled to stand on both sides of tbe fence st the same time.—London Mall. Not Like Hi* Grandfather. "Doctor. I’m getting tired of this everlasting dunning You ought to have more respect for me than that My grandfather was one of th* earliest aettlers." ■"Wall. I wi»h you had inherited that quality and would aettl* early."—Phila- d*lphla Ledger. dear. Hyde Park’s Marble Areh. The rnarbl* *rrb of the north aide of Hide park. London, designed original h by King Georg* IT. to be an en- ftenc* to Buckingham palace, cost £80,- vuu An Attack That Wholly Demoralized the Partisan Rangers. Colonel John S. Mosby, commander of the Partisan rangers, who gave such dashing service in tbe southern cause, told of au amusing incident iu • which be figured. I Iu tbe summer of 18(H when General ' i’hll Sheridan was in the valley of the Shenandoah be found himself much harassed by Mosby, who was continu- ally cutting off bls supply trains. Au army cannot fight on an empty stom­ ach, and Mosby knew it. One bright morning Mosby heard that a long sup­ ply traiu was winding its way down the valley. By noon the rangers In their gray uniforms were gathered at tbe forks of the valley pike, watching for the bead of the wagon train to ap­ pear. Presently a cloud of dust was seen rising far up tbe road, and as the wind blew it aside tbe Confederates caught sight of a line of men in blue escorting a caravan of lumbering wagons drawn by mules. Instantly Mosby gave the order to run a little howitzer up on the side of a hill and unllmber it. As soon as the gun had opened fire the rest of tbe men were to make a cavalry charge and throw the traiu into confusion. The rangers Jerked the gun into po­ sition and began to swab It out. Sud­ denly the man with the swab gave a shrill yell, seized the seat of bis panta­ loons and fled down the bill aud out into the road. Almost in the same moment the other man at the gun i abandoned it. He seemed to be light­ ing at the air as he disappeared over a stone wall. Tbe sutler's wagons were creeping nearer, and Mosby did not know what to think of such extraordinary conduct. He ordered four more men to the gun. but hardly bad they reached it when they, too. yelled, began to beat tbe air madly with tbelr bats and took to flight. Spurring bis horse over tbe stone wall, Mosby rode toward tbe gun, but his stay was short. The howitzer stood just over a hornets’ nest, and those busy Insects were resenting the intru­ sion. They had repelled the invaders on foot, aud now they swarmed on Mosby’s horse till tbe maddened ani- mal tore off down tbe pike on a run. Then they turned their attention to tbe rest of tbe troop. Their attack was so vicious that the rangers gave up any idea of standing by tbe gun. They scattered far and wide, and it was an hour before they returned. When they did the wagon train had safely vanished in the dis­ tance. So the hornets saved the day for Sheridan.—Youth’s Companion. [J When Selecting Your I ) Christmas Presents @ Remember A. H. HARRIS, ( ( S/ A, ^Jewelry, Diamonds and Watches> / \ ' )) To Select from. (j \\ I assure you a Square Deal, be it great \ Z or small. Call and see me, I take pleasure in : showing my goods. A. H. HARRIS, Jeweler and Optician, find with the famous Reflex Ed*ea (pat’d) that pre­ vent water from running in at the front when buttoned. No wet weather coat ao uaetul aa a 5/ii^er. No Slicker •»» wateryoof^durable^of neat in appearance aa the / /sA Brand Kefin. Get yours today and be prepared K m KWA. $3.00 GUARANTEED A. J. TOWER CO. BOSTON J1 Tower Canadian Limited Toronto I Mutual Phone Why Spend Xmas Without Choicest Fruits and Confectionery? GUEST’S NOVELTY STORE IsNow Located in the New Masonic Building, 2nd Street, With a Fine Bine of Notions. TOYS —CANDIES—SCHOOL SUPPI.IE. Shop Early at Toyland Babies will grow and while they are growing, you should have them photographed often enough to keep a record oi each interesting stage of their childhood. You will prize the collection of baby’s picture* more and more as the years go by Monk’s Studio If you are thinking of buying a good Harness, horse covers, halters, or anything in the har­ ness line it will pay you to see me. I also carry the famous Shar­ key’s collar. Bechtel's Harness Shop TILLAMOOK, ORE. Made My Life Worth Living ‘■I feel it my duty to tell others what Chamberlain ’ r Tabh’ta have done for L. Dunlap, of Oak writes Mrs. L Grove. Miiii. "I have Buffered with pains in my back and under iny shonlder blade for • ouiii I ht of /ear*, also with a poor appe­ tite and constipation. 1 tii. d all Of th«’ rem­ edies that I heard of, ami a numtier of doc­ tors. but got no relief. Finally u friend told me to try Chamber lain * Stomach and Liver Tablet*. I got a bottle of them aud they soon helped my stomach; by their gentle action my bow­ els became more reg­ ular Today I feel Uk* praising them to all who suffer as I did, for tbey haVH cured me srl made my Ilf* worth living " Hurt hf Coal, Cement, Lime, Brick, Shingles, Drain Tile. Plaster, Roof Paint. Best Mmhcm* Made fcrlU-y.nd BUMar'WJef FOLEY = KIDNEY PILLS Lr Backache. Rheumatism. Kidneys ssd Bladder. LAMB-SCHRADER COMPANY. DOCKS : WARRHOV9K. FRONT » Everywhere SATISFACTION A. LINEBECK, Manager J.L.IAWNON cto’ I TOWER’S FISH BRAND REFLEX SUCKER FROM DEC. 5th TO JAN. 14th, 1914. ’ All those who purchase Pianos from A. Lineback’s Piano Store, First St., T’llatnook City, will receive twelve music lessons free of charge. Purchasers may select their own Teachers. Pianos sold at the regular low prices and easy terms if desired. Organs taken in ex­ change. These lessons are a Xmas present from A. Lineback’s piano store. We invite you all to call at our store and select your piano and take advantage of those twelve lessons 1 will give you. Store open evenings until 9 P. M. Fruit Palace, Opposite Star Theatre I of and long hour* of exposure will fiad you dry and comfortable if you wear a AN XMAS PRESENT Fancy California softshell 25c per lb., 2 lbs. for 45c. No 2 softshell 20c per lb., 2 lbs. for 35c. Italian Chestnuts, 20c per lb., 2 lbs. for 35c. Fresh roasted peanuts, 2 lbs. for 25c. Filberts 20c per lb. Lawson's mixture of nuts 15c per lb. Mixed candies 15 to 25c. Imported Smyrna figs 25c per lb., 2 lbs. 45c Persian dates 2 lbs. for 25c. Fard dates 15c per lb. Fancy fruit baskets ready for table to order. Don’t forget to look over our line of Xmas Box Chocolate Candv. Pears and Grapes all winter. He Plagued Him. Tbe catcher was haring an argument with the umpire. "I’ll fix you so you won’t be an epi­ reward ” demic any longer!" threatened th* um­ "I will • replied tbe official, “just ** pire, beginning to lo*e bl* temper won hs a "bole lot of people get Pa­ "What do you mean by I won’t be triotic enough to quit sending their an epidemic any longer?’ asked the bills to me."—Washington Star. catcher "I’ll send you to tbe bench." i eturn­ Mutual Concession»- ed the umpire, "and then you won t b* • BligglnR and bls wife seem to be on cat chin’.”—Pittsburg Pre** tbe l«ext of terms They make mutual conce«- Welcomed. "Yes He stand* on the corner ano and . to ârreBt yon." said tho •■ions «bouts Votes for women.' ; while «he I pollccmsn erj time the home team The man who was haring trouble «■beers with bls wife threw both arms «round scores a run "—Washington Star. tbe officer and exclaimed I This Isn’t any arrest This is • «•- Does0"* ’ Work Both Way*« he hii wife. cue "-Washington Star "I (old him 1 rery mtKh flattered and he serme..’ A Failure. I hl* wife she resembled -Gee’ I told First Frrall Boy—I« your slater any him. and she won’t speak to St playing ball? Fécond Small Houston I’uat Boy Naw She can t throw anything but a fit or catch anything but a bee a. One Way. -New York Times Willi- I’»«. h.’W C*. you W.A. Williams & Cc PIANO LESSONS FREE JWUTS Proved It Ws* 8impl*. In a registration booth iu San Fran­ cisco an old colored woman bad Just finished registering for tbe first time. “Am you shore,” she asked the clerk. ”dat I's done *11 I has to do?' “Quite sure,” replied the clerk; “you see. it’s very simple." “I's ought to knowed it” said tbe old woman. "If those fool men folks been doin' it all dese year* I might ’a’ knowed it was a powerful simple proc­ ess .’’—Life. witli tlie problem of buying Humes* you will find it distinctly advanta­ geous to come and do your select ing here. You will get the best qualities, the most thorough and conscientious workmanship nnd be charged the most reasonable prices. We can supply single or double Set* or any single article that you may be in need of. InTillaniook Drug Co.’s Store, opposite P.O. ( APPLE# Iron Mold Stains. Iron mold stains spread in any fabric they come In contact with In tbe wash. To remove them stretch tbe stained part over a basin nearly full of boiling water, so that tbe steam may pene trate the fabric, and apply with a feather a teaspoonful of salt dissolved in a dessertspoonful of lemon Juice. When tbe marks disappear dip tbe ma­ terial well into the hot water, after­ ward rinsing very thoroughly in cold water. 'HARNESS The Jeweler has a Beautiful Line of Fancy Spitzcnbergers $1.50 per box. Northern Spys $1 50 per box. Baldwins $1.40 per box. Pleas For Patriotism. "You should be patriotic and contrib­ ute your valuable services to your country without thought of pecuniary nati Enquirer. y u N // V QUALITY the best; PRICES within reach of every. body. We carry the most complete line in Tilla- mook. Noticc these prices: Best Sun kist Oranges 20c to 40c per doz. Bananas, Port la mon 30c to 35c per doz. Where Science Fails. Science has wrought many achieve­ ments, but It bas not cleared up a sin­ gle elemental mystery, and It bas cre­ ated a thousand lesser mysteries that never were Imagined until science came. Science bas demonstrated that this oak of a world used to be an acorn, but bow that acorn came into existence or whence it obtained the latent elements that now have become an oak science bas not suggested. Sci­ ence has made it possible for a manu­ facturer to cut down three trees in his forest at 7:35 tn tbe morning, to have them made Into ind A Srd AVKMÍK WEST I SSL.