» WASHINGTON LETTER THE END MAN Ns »tarts th» Ball Rolling at th« Burnt Cork Shaw. "Funny t'liig happened ter mt» lar night,” remark«»! the end man wlier the tenor with the clear and liquid spring water voice had responded gra ciously to several encores “Why, Mr. Tumlsi,” exclaimed th«; middleman, "surely you nre not going to tell me that you refuse«! a g<«sl cigar?" "No, salt." returned Turn bo decided' ly. "Dnt wouldn’t be funny—dat would! be serious. But as Ah wuz sayin', a funny t'lng hap|M'ned. Wheu Ab went ter b«*d de bed win In de room, an* when Ah wakes up It wuz In de mown In'.” When th«* ushers stopped laughing the other end man swung around, book <«! one arm over his chair and faced the middleman. *T>nt ain't miffin' nt all to n f'miiK'lal problem Ah hah,” he "Ah had t'roe cents yesterday, bought t’ree sticks ob candy nt n pemij a stick an* Ah had on« cent." "Hint'» Impossible, Mr. Bone«," do' dared the middleman. "You simply i cannot »¡tend 3 cent» nnd then have 1' cent wln-ii you otdy had 3 cent» In th« fitst pla«-e." "Ah sho' kin,” retorted the end map "Ah did It dla way: Ah had t'roe cents Ah bought t'ree «tick» ol> candy an* Ah had 1 cent"— "But you couldn't have 1 cent," per Sixt««! the middleman. "But All did!" shouted the end man. I "Ah iM ugbt t’rre sticks. Ah took two; stick« wlf me an* Ah had one sent—to i mnh house." "Gur «cc<>uipll»hc«l basso. Mr Croak- Icy, will uow render that beautiful bul- Ind of sentiment« 'Down. !>own, Down and Out.”' Perrine Lnmbcrt In Judge ¡Hpectsl Correspond»»««.] There's u Jot of dusty correspond ence In tile office of the petudon com missioner which, though '»rely dis- turls-d by the curious, contains large block« of that element known us "heart interest" to newapajier renders. Thus, for Instance, It is shown that the gov ernment pays a (tension to a woman who killed her bus bn nd. the peualou ts-lng paid on account of said hustuind. He was a veteran of the civil war and married Inter. He was brutnl In the treatment of his wife, nnd one day she shot and kill«-«! him In self detenni. Hhe was tried and acquitted. Hhe up plied for n pension as the widow of a soldier of the civil war nnd got it. Ths New Judge's Not»». Chief Justice Falcoiibridg« of Onta rio, Mr. Justice Britton and Mr. Jus tice Riddell, a newly »p|H>lntxl judge, were «Ittlug together a» a court tu To ronto. According to »»in® legalists who were prosent, the |>r«-»eiiUitlou of argu ment on behalf of one of the clients wax rather prolix and not very much to the point, to put it mildly. Mr. Jus tice Riddell, wlio, by tile way, was not to tile »am«* extent li>ure«l against the tedlou»n«*»s of the proc«<edlug» as were hl» colleagu'-», was olmerved to pass one of them a »»lip of paper, on which presumably were written some notes on the case. Immediately the “notes" were read, however, by hl« colleagues then* was a » u I h 1 u <-<1 sugg«-»tlon of mirth apparent on their ¡»art. It turn ed out that the “notes" read after this faabloo: Witty Women. Women have more wit than humor They are more sensitive than men. Their minds are nimbler Tbeii thoughts flash Instantly to an Intultlva conclusion; hence wit Is far more nat ural to them. They have hardly th« lutelle' tual patleuce to create or enjoy the less obvious and more deliberate moods of humor.—Munsey’s Magazin«. KLAMATH COUNTY BANK KLAMATH FALLS, OREGON ALEX MARTIN, President ALEX MARLIN, Jr., Cashier E. R. REA MEH, Vice-President LEHLIE KlktERS, A»«t. Cashier The Pioneer Bank of Klamath County STATEMENT OF CONDITION AT THE CLOSE OF BUHINESH JUNE 29, 1907. Bseocacn A Failure. "Bo you don't believe In the mind Ix>sns and Discounts.............................. Bonds and Securities........ .......... ,... cure?" "No.” Real Estate,’Buildings and Fixtures "Did you ever try it?" Cash and Hight Exchange.................... "Well, I once tried to convince my wife that she didn't really want a new gown."—Judge. LI A hi liti aa Looks That Way. Unela Sam's Pensionara. "I wonder If Mars really Is inhabit- Correspondence also discloses the THE "NOTES." fact! that Christian Helene«* has brought (With spologle» to Mr Kudysril Kipling > ed” "Don’t know, but If Haturn la. I'll bet money Into Uncle Ham’s coffers. There H, I. II maiMS thrtt bloomin' nolaeT’ the politicians own It." A»k«-<1 Fll«»-on-Pared®. are n number of communications from "It's coun»»!'» openin' argument," "Think so?" pensioners who have Ixwome converts Tl>® color sergeant said "Certainly; can't you see the ring«?” to that faith, which nre to the effect ”'Oo a» to '«ar th® bully stuff?" —Philadelphia Pres«. Asked Fllc»-un-Parade that they were wrong when they be "Th® chief and hl» two hired men." lleved themselves to be afflicted with The color sergeant said. A concealed spark Is more to be bodily Illa, nud, Is-lng convinced that there Is nothing wrong with them, "For h® do®»n't know hl» law, he mlo- feared than an open Are.—German Proverb. rrpreaent» th® faots; they no longer care to draw pension« 111» logic 1» so rotten you can ■»» through There Is a letter from a Hpanlsh war nil the creeks. Only Too Willing. veteran who wonted a pension liecause And 1» ■ pretty »ure 1» get It where the Reedy Party (entering office)—Ex chicken got th® ax. he lost his teeth In the charge up Kan th® court deliver» judgment In th» cuse me, sir, but can you help me out Juan bill. Further corre» pomicile® Wh«n morning." a little this morning? makes It clear that the teeth were —Cleveland l.euder. Mr. Busyman—Certainly. You may false ones and that, although he pos- hare yonr choice of t«*lng thrown out ulbly bait them as Indicatisi, Uncle A Boomerang Contract. or kicked out.—St. Louis Republic. Ham dldu't l«-lleve that said loss mer The author of "A femperance Town" Ited the compensation of u (s-u»lou. and "A Texas Hteer" spent much <>f his Locates Them All. time In his country home, but one day Pardoned by Lineoln. "Why don't you make an automobDa Homo years ago a civil war veteran be appear«*«! unexpectedly In NeW York tour of Holland T’ made claim for a pension. Ills record at the tamin' club. Going struight to "No. thank you. I can Anil all tb«> was looked up, and It showed that he the cafe. he made one large, inclusive ditches 1 want on this side of the was at one time a deserter from the gesture, which brought every man pre«- poud and to spare."—Baltimore Amer army. Under the circumstances he was ent atiout him. “It's on me," said Mr. lean. notified Hint tie couldn't get a pension. Hoyt. Then he told his story. It was before the days of elw-trlc and This didn't discourage the soldier. He came In person and brought with him gasoline motors, aud he had bought a a small can! upon which was written: little steam yacht. He engaged as bls If llsnry Graves rnltata a«aln In our engineer one of bls Yankee neighbors •rmy and serve« faithfully and meritori and offered him liberal wages, with ously, ! will pardon hi» crltnr of deser the provision that the engineer should tion. A. LINCOLN. find his own coal. It was a long way The record» proved that he had en to the nearest coal yard, aud Mr. Hoyt listed again and served both faithfully ha<l all the trouble lie was looking for Judg» and Dbctor Too. and meri toriou«ly, aud he was grunted to keep bis owu furnace fed. Lord Bramwell, a notable wit of th» his pardon ut once "But where shall I get the coal?" English Itcnch, was once sitting In a Tite original card In question was ac the new engineer asked. cn«<> where the prisoner was accu««*«l of qui rml hy Mr Ware, then commissioner “1 don’t cure,” said the foremost of »hoplifting. of |>cn»lon». nnd by him presented to American stage humorists. "Steal It.” "My lortl. my client 1» not a common ! the state of Kansas. $0.50 Ho the bargain was struck. All went thief," urged the barriater for the de- j well until lu the early autumn Mr. "•undown Doctor»." fense. "He 1» suffering from klept«® "Rundown doctor»" are an institution Tloyt went Into bls cellar to see how mania.” Itecullar to Washington city. They are much more coal he would have to “That Is exactly the disease I am Of »er« an amiable company of medical practi purchase for the winter. lien* to cure." replied Ix»rd Brum well tioner«, who ply their trade only after eral toua on band In the spring only blandly Youth’s Companion, nightfall; not that these gentlemen , two or three »cuttlefuls remained. The would ¡»refer darkness to light If they theft was siMM-dlly traced to the engi A Long Fait Want. neer Saturday Evening Post. "You get right out of here!" snapped had their "d’ruthers,” nor are their $1.50 deeds of questionable complexion that the vlnegnry faced female. "I don't The Sun and the Toleacope. look» beet tn the »hade. "Huudown need no t>ook!" The popular notion Is that the as writ $1-5010 "Yes, you do, madam." said the book doctors" have no "ways that are dark tronomer points bls telescope directly nor tricks that are vain. ” They are aa agent ns he went out nnd c|<m<d the at the sun and tin-« his vision point gate. "You need two—a grammar aud open as the day that they may not blank across the chasm of millions of JAMES FLOOD BLDG . SAN FRANOSOO a txMik on etiquette, Good day.” And utilize. If they practice their profre miles. Instead, says a writer In the «Ion by candle light rather than by sun be got out of hearing distance long lie- shine, that'« Uncle Ham'« fault, not Ohio Magazine, the errant »un rays fore she find said all she wanted to nre lnss<icd by a coclestate—n créât tbuir owu. Lippi n cull’s. circular mirror driven by clockwork A Struggling Fraternity. 60 YEARS* in such a manner that It throws Its "Rundown doctors" begin to get busy Why They Objected. EXPERIENCE I light Into anotiier mirror aliove, and only after 4:30 In the afternoon. From "No," said the fireman who repre this In turn scuds the loug. concen sented the truck company that had re 0 to that hour they nre holding their trated ts-am far into the interior of fused to work with a colored truckman, noses to the grindstones over govern the telescope house. The two mir ’•then- Is no race prejudice in It. But ment desk«: for one must live, don't rors move in automatic adjustment to we certainly hate to work with a man you knpw, hov.-ever soaring one’s scien each other, so that the solar Iteams whose face will look just ns elenn on tific ambition, and Uncle Ham's wages may be shot Into the building, no mat T rade marks the way home from a long fire fight na do come In mighty regular nud handy. ter lu wbat |H,rtlon of the sky the sun D csions it illd when we started, while we other Ro that. In u pigeonhole. Is the story may I m - situated. At the farther end COPYRIGHT« AC. Anrone Mwidlng a »ketch and deacripUon tnaj of the origin of the struggling fraterni chaps all look smudgy."—Judge. of the building the reflected sutilx-am <u!cklv aacactatn our opinion free whether an ty of sundown physicians nt tile feti- iuTentton la probably patentable. Cvnnnnm> strikes a concave mirror which catch tlooBMflccly confidential. HANDBOOK on Pat anta era! capital •ent free. (HdeeC agency fur »ecuring patents. A Fsmlnino Marvel. es the light and. flashing It bnck to Pateute taMea thr<»u«b Muna i Co. receive There are thousand» of Instance«, "She's a woman In a million,” ■nld •prcMl nofka. vMbouC cbanre, lu the ward the opening whence It first en Embryonic young physician», with the first man, with conviction. tered. fix-uses It into a perfect Image "Hou ho ? ' ask'd No 2 "What has their career yet to carve, secure a of the sun. A handsomely m««tnii®4 w»»k1y. l.«rr«»t <Sr- clerkship In some of the governmental she done that Is so wonderful?" eolation nt any ariantlde jouroah Trriua. W a rear: f ur month«. IL Svi4 brail new»d«a>«n. '"She writes eight page letter« nud departments of Washington lu order to Female Diamonds. ddean't underscore a alugle word."— keep the pot bubbling while they are The jeweler held a magnifying glass k & F BL, WaablDcioo. D. C. gettlug their medical education after to a superb white diamond. B New York Press. "Do you ms * those little diamonds I office hours. Their diploma thus la boriously achieved, they hnng out their on the farther edge?" he said. "They A Cruel D»o»ption. shingle, tentatively holding fast, how are Invisible to the naked eye, but the "So your tlunew d«*celv«Hl you?" "Ye«. Hhe told me her father waa a ever, to the government ¡tosltlon until glass shows them quite plainly, securely established professionally. dsaler lu stocks.” doesn't It? Well, they are the proof Concerning Clarks. “Isn't he?" that this diamond is a female; hence "Oh, yea. He make« tbeoe dinky lit- > Statistics show that of the 12,000 we say that there are male and fe tie women's fancy collars."—Baltimore clerks lu the pension office aloue about male diamonds, the males, of course, American. 400 had saugulnely prepared thein- being those that don't produce these selves Tor the profession« of law. med growths. Nothing to Wsar. "Female diamonds are always the icine or theology. Twoscore have been Benham—lie is a very generous fel authors, many more than that editors finest. In fact, nearly all the dia- low. Every time be meets any of the anti publishers. A hundred and fifty rnonds of wide world fame are fe- boys be says, "Come and hav« some have iteen newspaper correspondents, males.”—New York Press. thing; everything la on me.' •» and as many more hold university and Mrs. Bonham—That’s the reason college diplomas. A classmate nt Har Socisty of ths Cincinnati. there's nothing on his wife.—Brooklyn vard of President Roosevelt, a bachelor The Society of the Cincinnati was Life. of distinguished mien nnd tine mentali an order established by the officers ty, Is prosaically holding down a gov of the Revolutionary army in 1783 to ; Any Port In • Storm. perpetuate their friendship nud to ernment job at $100 a month. raise funds for the relief of the wid A Busy Five Minutes. You can always tell when it's five ows and orphans of those who had It was so minute« to 9 In Washington if you are fallen during the war. in the heart of the town matutlnally. named because It Included patriots by Washington, between At that moment the landscape begins headed to squirm violently with buudreds of whom and the old Roman farmer. men and women In sudden panic lest genera), Cinclnnatua, there were sup they fail to reach their government posed to be many resemblances. desk by crucial 9 o'clock and be ruth Prossnt Troubles. lessly docked therefor. Fat women “Ah, pretty lady," sakl the fortune •xudlng out of tight juniper suits go waddling breathlessly. Young girls teller, "you wish to be told about your belated by too long a lingering with • future husband?” "Not nnicj,” replied Mrs. Galley. gallant at the last corner frankly run at full speed. Cripples on crutches hob "I've come to learn where my present ble at breakneck. Human iteings pile husband Is when he's absent.”—Phila over each other at the entrances to the delphia Press. treasury, postoffice, state, war and I Evolution. navy and the other busy governmental hive«. Uncle Ham la an Inexorable task I "Father." said little Rollo, "what Is master. And nine out of ten of these evolution?” "Evolution, my son. Is a sort of apol hustling horde, however otherwise ele gant In his presence, carries a measly ogy which man has Invented for dis Sb«—Just Imagine! Supposing you little brown pai>er bag full of lunch. playing so many of the traits of the were so Immensely wealthy that you A few there l>e who foxll.v endeavor lower animals.”—Washington Star. couldn't possibly fpand your Incom«. to disguise their midday meal tn music What would yon do? Royal Remedy. scroll or fancy bag. The case hardened Tie—Marry you.—Now York Mall. MIstrc«« Your cold’s very bad, .Tnne. majority resort to no subterfuge. Washington Is a city of brown paper Are you doing anything for It? Jane A Professional Paradox. rib. yes, ma'am. The chemist ’ave lunch bags and no bones about it. "What’s the advance muu of ■ Hence potentially 23,000 little brown gfv’ me some crcmoiilnted «tincture of •how?” paper lunch bags nre used daily nt the Queen Anno. Punch. "The man behind It” cnpltnl, the numeral expressing tbo "Eh?” He is sufficiently learned that knows numtier of civil service employees bore "lie advances the money.’1—Houston In the various departments. |i >w to do well nnd has power enough 1» refrain from evil. Cicero. Post CAIIL SCHOFIELD. i MAGAZINE READERS ADior SUNSET MAGAZINE P atents Scientific American. * New York ........ $ 314,962.7« .......... 60,584.8$ ............ 20,IMA .......... 248,091.93 $043,800.13 Capital Stock, fully paid Surplus and Profits......... I»us ether Banks............ DEPOSITS....................... I 100.000.00 12.CWX.64 40,061.98 491,649JM $643,800.13 I, Alex Martin, Jr., Cashier of the above named Bank, do solemnly swear that the above statement is true to the best ot my knowledgeand believe —. A lix M srtim , J s ., Cashier. Subscribed and sworn to before me thia 8th day of July, 1907. A. M. W ord «!«, Notary Public for Oregon. ^Standard" , Laundry Trays li. BOIVIN, the Plumber, Agent, PHONE J94 Kitani Fallt, Orafa Lakeside Inn MRS. M. McMILLAN, Prop’r. Modern improvements. 73 rooms and suites. Sample Rooms, Bar Room, Parlors, Two Club Rooms, Etc., Etc. City Meat Market HEISS & ARMAND PROPRIETORS ALL K/NDS OF FRESH, SALT AND SMOKED MEATS SAUSAGESIOF ALL KINDS Republican Hds Bring Results Such is the popular verdict of our Advertisers. Mr. Business Man, you will do well to try the Republican columns, as it is read by practically everyone in this city. Get in the game A ✓