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About Klamath republican. (Klamath Falls, Or.) 1896-1914 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 14, 1907)
THE END MAN
»tarts th» Ball Rolling at th«
Burnt Cork Shaw.
"Funny t'liig happened ter mt» lar
night,” remark«»! the end man wlier
the tenor with the clear and liquid
spring water voice had responded gra
ciously to several encores
“Why, Mr. Tumlsi,” exclaimed th«;
middleman, "surely you nre not going
to tell me that you refuse«! a g<«sl
"No, salt." returned Turn bo decided'
ly. "Dnt wouldn’t be funny—dat would!
be serious. But as Ah wuz sayin', a
funny t'lng hap|M'ned. Wheu Ab went
ter b«*d de bed win In de room, an*
when Ah wakes up It wuz In de mown
When th«* ushers stopped laughing
the other end man swung around, book
<«! one arm over his chair and faced
*T>nt ain't miffin' nt all to n
f'miiK'lal problem Ah hah,” he
"Ah had t'roe cents yesterday,
bought t’ree sticks ob candy nt n pemij
a stick an* Ah had on« cent."
"Hint'» Impossible, Mr. Bone«," do'
dared the middleman.
"You simply i
cannot »¡tend 3 cent» nnd then have 1'
cent wln-ii you otdy had 3 cent» In th«
"Ah sho' kin,” retorted the end map
"Ah did It dla way: Ah had t'roe cents
Ah bought t'ree «tick» ol> candy an* Ah
had 1 cent"—
"But you couldn't have 1 cent," per
Sixt««! the middleman.
"But All did!" shouted the end man. I
"Ah iM ugbt t’rre sticks. Ah took two;
stick« wlf me an* Ah had one sent—to i
"Gur «cc<>uipll»hc«l basso. Mr Croak-
Icy, will uow render that beautiful bul-
Ind of sentiment« 'Down. !>own, Down
and Out.”' Perrine Lnmbcrt In Judge
There's u Jot of dusty correspond
ence In tile office of the petudon com
missioner which, though '»rely dis-
turls-d by the curious, contains large
block« of that element known us "heart
interest" to newapajier renders. Thus,
for Instance, It is shown that the gov
ernment pays a (tension to a woman
who killed her bus bn nd. the peualou
ts-lng paid on account of said hustuind.
He was a veteran of the civil war and
married Inter. He was brutnl In the
treatment of his wife, nnd one day
she shot and kill«-«! him In self detenni.
Hhe was tried and acquitted. Hhe up
plied for n pension as the widow of a
soldier of the civil war nnd got it.
Ths New Judge's Not»».
Chief Justice Falcoiibridg« of Onta
rio, Mr. Justice Britton and Mr. Jus
tice Riddell, a newly »p|H>lntxl judge,
were «Ittlug together a» a court tu To
ronto. According to »»in® legalists who
were prosent, the |>r«-»eiiUitlou of argu
ment on behalf of one of the clients
wax rather prolix and not very much
to the point, to put it mildly. Mr. Jus
tice Riddell, wlio, by tile way, was not
to tile »am«* extent li>ure«l against the
tedlou»n«*»s of the proc«<edlug» as were
hl» colleagu'-», was olmerved to pass
one of them a »»lip of paper, on which
presumably were written some notes
on the case. Immediately the “notes"
were read, however, by hl« colleagues
then* was a » u I h 1 u <-<1 sugg«-»tlon of
mirth apparent on their ¡»art. It turn
ed out that the “notes" read after this
Women have more wit than humor
They are more sensitive than men.
Their minds are nimbler
thoughts flash Instantly to an Intultlva
conclusion; hence wit Is far more nat
ural to them. They have hardly th«
lutelle' tual patleuce to create or enjoy
the less obvious and more deliberate
moods of humor.—Munsey’s Magazin«.
KLAMATH COUNTY BANK
KLAMATH FALLS, OREGON
ALEX MARTIN, President
ALEX MARLIN, Jr., Cashier
E. R. REA MEH, Vice-President
LEHLIE KlktERS, A»«t. Cashier
The Pioneer Bank of Klamath County
STATEMENT OF CONDITION AT THE CLOSE OF BUHINESH
JUNE 29, 1907.
"Bo you don't believe In the mind Ix>sns and Discounts..............................
Bonds and Securities........ .......... ,...
Real Estate,’Buildings and Fixtures
"Did you ever try it?"
Cash and Hight Exchange....................
"Well, I once tried to convince my
wife that she didn't really want a new
LI A hi liti aa
Looks That Way.
Unela Sam's Pensionara.
"I wonder If Mars really Is inhabit-
Correspondence also discloses the
fact! that Christian Helene«* has brought (With spologle» to Mr Kudysril Kipling > ed”
"Don’t know, but If Haturn la. I'll bet
money Into Uncle Ham’s coffers. There
H, I. II maiMS thrtt bloomin' nolaeT’
the politicians own It."
are n number of communications from
"It's coun»»!'» openin' argument,"
pensioners who have Ixwome converts
Tl>® color sergeant said
"Certainly; can't you see the ring«?”
to that faith, which nre to the effect
”'Oo a» to '«ar th® bully stuff?"
that they were wrong when they be
"Th® chief and hl» two hired men."
lleved themselves to be afflicted with
The color sergeant said.
A concealed spark Is more to be
bodily Illa, nud, Is-lng convinced that
there Is nothing wrong with them, "For h® do®»n't know hl» law, he mlo- feared than an open Are.—German
rrpreaent» th® faots;
they no longer care to draw pension«
111» logic 1» so rotten you can ■»» through
There Is a letter from a Hpanlsh war
nil the creeks.
Only Too Willing.
veteran who wonted a pension liecause And 1» ■ pretty »ure 1» get It where the
Reedy Party (entering office)—Ex
chicken got th® ax.
he lost his teeth In the charge up Kan
th® court deliver» judgment In th» cuse me, sir, but can you help me out
Further corre» pomicile® Wh«n morning."
a little this morning?
makes It clear that the teeth were
Mr. Busyman—Certainly. You may
false ones and that, although he pos-
hare yonr choice of t«*lng thrown out
ulbly bait them as Indicatisi, Uncle
A Boomerang Contract.
or kicked out.—St. Louis Republic.
Ham dldu't l«-lleve that said loss mer
The author of "A femperance Town"
Ited the compensation of u (s-u»lou.
and "A Texas Hteer" spent much <>f his
Locates Them All.
time In his country home, but one day
Pardoned by Lineoln.
"Why don't you make an automobDa
Homo years ago a civil war veteran be appear«*«! unexpectedly In NeW York tour of Holland T’
made claim for a pension. Ills record at the tamin' club. Going struight to
"No. thank you. I can Anil all tb«>
was looked up, and It showed that he the cafe. he made one large, inclusive ditches 1 want on this side of the
was at one time a deserter from the gesture, which brought every man pre«- poud and to spare."—Baltimore Amer
army. Under the circumstances he was ent atiout him. “It's on me," said Mr. lean.
notified Hint tie couldn't get a pension. Hoyt. Then he told his story.
It was before the days of elw-trlc and
This didn't discourage the soldier. He
came In person and brought with him gasoline motors, aud he had bought a
a small can! upon which was written: little steam yacht. He engaged as bls
If llsnry Graves rnltata a«aln In our engineer one of bls Yankee neighbors
•rmy and serve« faithfully and meritori and offered him liberal wages, with
ously, ! will pardon hi» crltnr of deser the provision that the engineer should
find his own coal. It was a long way
The record» proved that he had en to the nearest coal yard, aud Mr. Hoyt
listed again and served both faithfully ha<l all the trouble lie was looking for
Judg» and Dbctor Too.
and meri toriou«ly, aud he was grunted to keep bis owu furnace fed.
Lord Bramwell, a notable wit of th» his pardon ut once
"But where shall I get the coal?"
English Itcnch, was once sitting In a
Tite original card In question was ac the new engineer asked.
cn«<> where the prisoner was accu««*«l of qui rml hy Mr Ware, then commissioner
“1 don’t cure,” said the foremost of
of |>cn»lon». nnd by him presented to American stage humorists. "Steal It.”
"My lortl. my client 1» not a common ! the state of Kansas.
Ho the bargain was struck. All went
thief," urged the barriater for the de- j
well until lu the early autumn Mr.
fense. "He 1» suffering from klept«®
"Rundown doctor»" are an institution Tloyt went Into bls cellar to see how
to Washington city. They are much more coal he would have to
“That Is exactly the disease I am
company of medical practi purchase for the winter.
lien* to cure." replied Ix»rd Brum well
tioner«, who ply their trade only after eral toua on band In the spring only
blandly Youth’s Companion,
nightfall; not that these gentlemen , two or three »cuttlefuls remained. The
would ¡»refer darkness to light If they theft was siMM-dlly traced to the engi
A Long Fait Want.
neer Saturday Evening Post.
"You get right out of here!" snapped had their "d’ruthers,” nor are their
the vlnegnry faced female. "I don't
The Sun and the Toleacope.
need no t>ook!"
The popular notion Is that the as
"Yes, you do, madam." said the book doctors" have no "ways that are dark
tronomer points bls telescope directly
agent ns he went out nnd c|<m<d the
at the sun and tin-« his vision point
gate. "You need two—a grammar aud open as the day that they may not
blank across the chasm of millions of
JAMES FLOOD BLDG . SAN FRANOSOO
a txMik on etiquette, Good day.” And utilize. If they practice their profre
miles. Instead, says a writer In the
be got out of hearing distance long lie-
shine, that'« Uncle Ham'« fault, not Ohio Magazine, the errant »un rays
fore she find said all she wanted to
nre lnss<icd by a coclestate—n créât
Lippi n cull’s.
mirror driven by clockwork
A Struggling Fraternity.
in such a manner that It throws Its
"Rundown doctors" begin to get busy
Why They Objected.
I light Into anotiier mirror aliove, and
"No," said the fireman who repre
this In turn scuds the loug. concen
sented the truck company that had re 0 to that hour they nre holding their trated ts-am far into the interior of
fused to work with a colored truckman, noses to the grindstones over govern the telescope house.
The two mir
’•then- Is no race prejudice in It. But ment desk«: for one must live, don't rors move in automatic adjustment to
we certainly hate to work with a man you knpw, hov.-ever soaring one’s scien each other, so that the solar Iteams
whose face will look just ns elenn on tific ambition, and Uncle Ham's wages may be shot Into the building, no mat
T rade marks
the way home from a long fire fight na do come In mighty regular nud handy. ter lu wbat |H,rtlon of the sky the sun
it illd when we started, while we other Ro that. In u pigeonhole. Is the story may I m - situated. At the farther end
Anrone Mwidlng a »ketch and deacripUon tnaj
of the origin of the struggling fraterni
chaps all look smudgy."—Judge.
of the building the reflected sutilx-am
<u!cklv aacactatn our opinion free whether an
ty of sundown physicians nt tile feti-
iuTentton la probably patentable. Cvnnnnm>
strikes a concave mirror which catch
tlooBMflccly confidential. HANDBOOK on Pat anta
•ent free. (HdeeC agency fur »ecuring patents.
A Fsmlnino Marvel.
es the light and. flashing It bnck to
Pateute taMea thr<»u«b Muna i Co. receive
There are thousand» of Instance«,
"She's a woman In a million,” ■nld
•prcMl nofka. vMbouC cbanre, lu the
ward the opening whence It first en
Embryonic young physician», with
the first man, with conviction.
tered. fix-uses It into a perfect Image
"Hou ho ? ' ask'd No 2 "What has their career yet to carve, secure a of the sun.
A handsomely m««tnii®4 w»»k1y. l.«rr«»t <Sr-
she done that Is so wonderful?"
eolation nt any ariantlde jouroah Trriua. W a
rear: f ur month«. IL Svi4 brail new»d«a>«n.
'"She writes eight page letter« nud departments of Washington lu order to
ddean't underscore a alugle word."— keep the pot bubbling while they are
The jeweler held a magnifying glass
k & F BL, WaablDcioo. D. C.
gettlug their medical education after to a superb white diamond.
New York Press.
"Do you ms * those little diamonds
I office hours. Their diploma thus la
boriously achieved, they hnng out their on the farther edge?" he said. "They
A Cruel D»o»ption.
shingle, tentatively holding fast, how are Invisible to the naked eye, but the
"So your tlunew d«*celv«Hl you?"
"Ye«. Hhe told me her father waa a ever, to the government ¡tosltlon until glass shows them quite plainly,
securely established professionally.
dsaler lu stocks.”
doesn't It? Well, they are the proof
that this diamond is a female; hence
"Oh, yea. He make« tbeoe dinky lit- > Statistics show that of the 12,000 we say that there are male and fe
tie women's fancy collars."—Baltimore clerks lu the pension office aloue about male diamonds, the males, of course,
400 had saugulnely prepared thein- being those that don't produce these
selves Tor the profession« of law. med growths.
Nothing to Wsar.
"Female diamonds are always the
icine or theology. Twoscore have been
Benham—lie is a very generous fel authors, many more than that editors finest.
In fact, nearly all the dia-
low. Every time be meets any of the anti publishers. A hundred and fifty rnonds of wide world fame are fe-
boys be says, "Come and hav« some have iteen newspaper correspondents, males.”—New York Press.
thing; everything la on me.' •»
and as many more hold university and
Mrs. Bonham—That’s the reason college diplomas. A classmate nt Har
Socisty of ths Cincinnati.
there's nothing on his wife.—Brooklyn vard of President Roosevelt, a bachelor
The Society of the Cincinnati was
of distinguished mien nnd tine mentali an order established by the officers
ty, Is prosaically holding down a gov of the Revolutionary army in 1783 to ;
Any Port In • Storm.
perpetuate their friendship nud to
ernment job at $100 a month.
raise funds for the relief of the wid
A Busy Five Minutes.
You can always tell when it's five ows and orphans of those who had
It was so
minute« to 9 In Washington if you are fallen during the war.
in the heart of the town matutlnally. named because It Included patriots
At that moment the landscape begins headed
to squirm violently with buudreds of whom and the old Roman farmer.
men and women In sudden panic lest genera), Cinclnnatua, there were sup
they fail to reach their government posed to be many resemblances.
desk by crucial 9 o'clock and be ruth
lessly docked therefor.
“Ah, pretty lady," sakl the fortune
•xudlng out of tight juniper suits go
waddling breathlessly. Young girls teller, "you wish to be told about your
belated by too long a lingering with • future husband?”
"Not nnicj,” replied Mrs. Galley.
gallant at the last corner frankly run
at full speed. Cripples on crutches hob "I've come to learn where my present
ble at breakneck. Human iteings pile husband Is when he's absent.”—Phila
over each other at the entrances to the delphia Press.
treasury, postoffice, state, war and I
navy and the other busy governmental
hive«. Uncle Ham la an Inexorable task I "Father." said little Rollo, "what Is
master. And nine out of ten of these evolution?”
"Evolution, my son. Is a sort of apol
hustling horde, however otherwise ele
gant In his presence, carries a measly ogy which man has Invented for dis
Sb«—Just Imagine! Supposing you little brown pai>er bag full of lunch. playing so many of the traits of the
were so Immensely wealthy that you A few there l>e who foxll.v endeavor lower animals.”—Washington Star.
couldn't possibly fpand your Incom«. to disguise their midday meal tn music
What would yon do?
scroll or fancy bag. The case hardened
Tie—Marry you.—Now York Mall.
MIstrc«« Your cold’s very bad, .Tnne.
majority resort to no subterfuge.
Washington Is a city of brown paper Are you doing anything for It? Jane
A Professional Paradox.
rib. yes, ma'am.
The chemist ’ave
lunch bags and no bones about it.
"What’s the advance muu of ■
Hence potentially 23,000 little brown gfv’ me some crcmoiilnted «tincture of
paper lunch bags nre used daily nt the Queen Anno. Punch.
"The man behind It”
cnpltnl, the numeral expressing tbo
He is sufficiently learned that knows
numtier of civil service employees bore
"lie advances the money.’1—Houston In the various departments.
|i >w to do well nnd has power enough
1» refrain from evil. Cicero.
........ $ 314,962.7«
Capital Stock, fully paid
Surplus and Profits.........
I»us ether Banks............
I, Alex Martin, Jr., Cashier of the above named Bank, do solemnly
swear that the above statement is true to the best ot my knowledgeand believe
A lix M srtim , J s ., Cashier.
Subscribed and sworn to before me thia 8th day of July, 1907.
A. M. W ord «!«,
Notary Public for Oregon.
li. BOIVIN, the Plumber, Agent,
Kitani Fallt, Orafa
MRS. M. McMILLAN, Prop’r.
73 rooms and suites.
Sample Rooms, Bar Room, Parlors, Two Club
Rooms, Etc., Etc.
City Meat Market
HEISS & ARMAND
ALL K/NDS OF FRESH, SALT
AND SMOKED MEATS
SAUSAGESIOF ALL KINDS
Such is the popular verdict of our
Advertisers. Mr. Business Man, you
will do well to try the Republican
columns, as it is read by practically
everyone in this city. Get in the game