U. S. Budget Problem Solved Fewer Towels for Sena tors!
$7000 Worth of Mineral Water
All Wet; Politicians Mast Be
Using It To Soften Up Beards
By Elwood Ullman
IHAVK spent all my spare time
this week trying to find ways
and means whereby the Govern
ment can cut down expenses. After
carefully studying the national
balance sheet for 1935, 1 hit upon
some ideas.
Take the U. S. Senate. Col. Ed
win A. Halsey, its secretary, re
ports that total expenses last year
amounted to $3,296,852. The list
starts off as follows:
; Senate salaries $923,138.00
Vice President's "
salary 14,437.00
Investigations ..... 236,000.00
Mineral water ..... 7,000.00
Laundering 5814
towels ; .,' 31.98
Two neckties for
Vice President's
chauffeur ' "2.00 .
We might as well start off with
the neckties. Now nobody is sug
gesting for one minute that the
Vice President's chauffeur go
around without a necktie (though
this would, for once, focus a. great
deal of attention on the Vice
President). The purchase was not
only reasonable, but commend
able. It was very sweet and
thoughtful of the Senate to buy
the two ties for the chauffeur,
and I'm sure he appreciates it.
I have seen a picture of the
chauffeur sitting up in the front
eat of Mr. Garner's car and
proudly sporting what seems to
be one of the new cravats. An
other man might resent wearing
a dollar cravat While recognizing
the need for Government econo
my, he might take the position
that neckwear, especially his
neckwear. Is no item on which to
start scrimping. He might hold
out for $2 ties and tell them to
make up the difference y cutting
that r $989,600,000 .appropriation
for the Postofflce Department "
But Mr. Garner's chauffeur
seems to be perfectly well satis
fied with this tie..-The pattern is
very striking, not to say demon
strative, and Til bet it was the
Committee on Indian Affairs that
went shopping for It.
HOWEVER, I am not finding
fault with the pattern. It's
the price. If the committee is
elated at having got by for $2,
I'd like to point out that if they
had waited for the January clear
ance sales, the two - ties could
have been purchased for 8t cents
apiece, a saving of 22 cents.
I realize that 22 cents is pretty
small, but still it's .something and
hows the Government what can
be done hot only in buying ties
Mystery "Ships No. 3
H. M S. WASP
FIGHTING YESSEL THAT
VANISHED IN 1887
THE sensation of the autumn of
I 1887 was a wire from Hong
Kong to the British Admiralty:
"No trace of Wasp. Gunboats
returned. Searched coasts of Co
chin China and Hainan."
H. M S. Wasp had vanished,
to join that list of missing ships
of which nothing is heard; an
other mystery of the sea.
She was a new type of gunboat
Her armament was six guns, her
engines 1000 horsepower, and she
had a displacement of 670 tons
as sturdy a fighting vessel as ever
was built, and sister ship to six
other powerful gunboats built
along the same lines.
Without mishap she had
reached the Malay Peninsula, then
sailed from Singapore for Shang
hai never to be seen again. The
voyage should have taken 16
days, with a stop at Hong Kong.
She never saw Hong Kong or
any other ship on her trip.
. The unsolved mystery was
what happened to the Waxpt Did
' ah founder In a typhoon? Did
for Mr. Garner's chauffeur, but
In handling everything else on
that expense list The little sums
add up, you know, and by effect
ing small economies here and
there. It will be possible to make
a sizeable reduction in that three
billion dollar deficit estimated fot
1936.
Investigations will go on, I sup
pose, but I'd suggest that the
committees watch their expenses
a little closer, especially food bills.
For instance, I can't see any point
In spending i for a table d'hote
breakfast in a hotel's main dining-room
when you can get one
equally satisfying for less than
half the amount in the coffee
shop. What if the service Isn't so
fancy T
No. 3, for example, offers
orange juice, hot cakes and coffee
for 25 cents. No. 4, 35 cents. Is
orange Juice, toast coffee and two
strips of bacon with one egg. i
am just trying to show the Sena
tors that they can dine hand
somely without being extrava
gant Mind you, I'm not suggest
ing that they stint themselves. I
am the last person in the world
that would want our Senators
going around looking thin and
emaciated.
Now let us take up that $7000
item for mineral water. Can It be
that the Senate la obsessed with
the old bugaboo that tap water is
contaminated by bacteria? If so,
I would like to point out that we
do not have ' scare-cats in the
House of Representatives. At
least I do not find any claim
from them for mineral water.
They bend unflinchingly over
drinking fountains.
OF COURSE, it la possible
they are taking chances,
just to save the $7000, or what
ever it would cost to supply the
House with mineral water. But
their strenuous life demands
prime physical condition and
proves, I think, that the danger
is imaginary.
Getting back to the Senators, I
wouldn't want to deprive them of
their mineral water if it would
make them nervous and unhappy.
But $7000 seems a lot for It, even
allowing for the thirst they get
making speeches. I wonder if
they're shaving with it too? Or
possibly they aren't getting the
deposits back on the bottles.
The item that causes me the
most concern, the one I am least
able to understand, is "$31.98 for
laundering 5814 towels for the
U. 8. Senate." It appears not once
on the list but many times.
I would like Secretary Halsey
to check this Item again. Maybe
some other more terrible fate
overtake her? It la rare that a
ship goes down without leaving
bits of wreckage. Usually she
goes to pieces first When the
bulk sinks, parts of the vessel are
left afloat. The Watp left nothing
at all for rumors to feed upon.
Did she run ashore along the
coast through mishandling? Was
she then plundered by pirates,
who did away with the crew and
destroyed the ship? The captain,
it was later learned, did not like
his command. He felt that his of
ficers were Inexperienced, and his
own' responsibility was too heavy.
Strangely, she was the second
Wasp to be lost within a few
years. The first went down off the
west coast of Ireland in heavy
weather because of "bad naviga
tion on the part of the "leers."
In both cases seaman 'p may
have been at fault
The H. M. S. Watp Is one of the
few Ironclad vessels In all mari
time history to disappear without
a trace.
Just picture those 5814 towels stacked up to the celling In the Senate washroom. And think of the
dreadful consequences that would ensue If an earthquake occurred.
some of the Navy's expenses got
Into his report by mistake. Maybe
it should read, "for laundering
5814 towels for the Asiatic Fleet."
WITH 97 men In the Senate,
Including the Vice Presi
dent, it' means that each man has
ABOUT
A FIlMia iffllUS sssw
4 1 1 ard' Company , Ino
SXth Street,
Gentlemen: an old man JSJXi. .
when he takes v t,a8 good reas"" noW x
those cigjjfced any smoking j arettes ,
haven't touo on eigare
learn to
DOUBLE 'MONEY-BACK OFFER
as made' to tmoktr tinea Oct 6, 1935
TAKE a sporting chance on a pack ol DtuUt-Mtllnt
Old Golds. Smoke ten of the dgatettea. If you don't
say they'ie the finest you've ever tatted, mall the package
. wrapper and the remaining ten cigarette to ua, any time
before May lit, 1936, and we'll send you Jtmbtt the price
you paid for the full package, plu$ peitof.
(EaUbllahed
119 Wait 40th Street,
for 'his personal use 59 and a
fraction towels. ( If they rounded
out the total to 5820, It would
make an even 60.) I cannot see
the justification for all these
towels. Suppose a Senator washes
up four times a day. each time
November 16
tasi. ,
Yours truly
' .'." . "jerry Hurley
nld niece,
Mad from
PRIZE CROP
TOBACCOS
1760) (f
New York City
using soparate towels for his
hands and face. (Note: I am not
accusing him of taking fresh
towels to shine his shoes with.)
Even on this recklessly lavish
basis, he would only use up eight
towels a day, or 48 a week. He
V
; ui
Betty,
A rid M ore Care In Buying Ties
For Vice-President's Chauffeur
Might Give Taxpayers a Break
would still be loft with 11 towels.
Now I am not complaining
about the Senators sprucing up.
I am sure cleanliness should bo
encouraged In everyone. It Is a
fine reflection on this country
when IU Senators go around all
day long with their faces bright
and shiny and their ears clean.
But thoy seem to be going over
board on It. I mean they are keep-
Ing too clean for the good of the
budget ,
Aftor all, 5814' towels is a lot
of burlap, Perhaps It Is the Sen
ate's way of keeping up cotton
prleca. . , .
Just picture those 5814 towels
' stacked up to the celling, row on
row, In the Sonata washroom. And
think of the dreadful consequences
that would ensue If an earthquako
v
Snapshot of Jetty Hurley taken Ut Fall by hii brother John
Jetty's farm Is located on a mouniaimlde, 8 milea ftoia
Wallaville, N. Y. (Poat Office, Sclo.)
V"
Ms
occurred and a couplo of Senators
got caught In an avalanche of
towels. 1 doubt that rescue crews,
digging furiously, could get to
them Inside of 48 hours
ALL THOUK Scnutors not suf.
located by towels would be
drowned by the overturned juga
of mineral water.
I hope our lawmukora will take
this little treatise to heart If I
can only persuude (hem to cut
the number of towels In hulf, to
a mere 2H07, they mlht get In
the hnult of halving everything. ,
And the next time the Army
puts In a requisition for 300
. bombing planes and the Navy de
mands a new auior-dreadnatiKht
they will give the Army ISO
' bombing planm and the Navy a
light cruiser and a nilno sweeper.
y,
I. LH4 Oft., fcM.
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