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About The Evening herald. (Klamath Falls, Or.) 1906-1942 | View Entire Issue (June 13, 1930)
"mi ii... ILL. lllllllilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll PI ain and Fancy Petting By JOSEPH FAUS lllmtrntUm lly DOROTHY IK I Ell oiiiDiiuiifiiin a PIIIDI QllOK The story of an ambitious amateur necker who crashes into the movies and out WILLIAM PERK1! knock on the door ot low. ju.t otf Hollywc vard in Ye Man' I surprise, lli editor of t newtpaper in Lot An gelei received noli llie next day, winch ha read ralher ikeplically ind then lossed lo re porter. "I've heard, he grunted, "of a lot of new itunti hut tliii one ii a horta on me commercial school of amatory expression. Co out and tee if il't worth a nick or a kick." 1 lie reporter, young and romantic, fared foith and fared well at the fair handt and loquacious lipl of Mademoiselle Melvini, who teemed ttemendouslv astonished to tee a teal re porter on her humble bungalow tlei. I LLI AM PERKINS" timid the buiuta- illywood boule Land. Wat answered by a Pretty vouna wo man whose perfectly-arched eyebrows arched inquiringly a trifle higher as their possessor gazed on his stalwart and handsome figure. "Your lign intrigued me," awkwardly con fessed Mr. Perkins, stepping guilelessly over the threshold. "It was placed there Just this morning." the smiled. Her teeth were perfect. Her azure eyei were perfect Her sable, bobbed hair was per fect. Her perfect apparel gave hints of hidden perfections. "I hope," she added engagingly, 'you will be the first student of Melvim's School of Amatory Expression. Are you considering taking a course in necking)" "1 might be persuaded," weakened Mr. Per kins. "Accept this chair." she invited, touching a light wicker thing. Mademoiselle Melvini then installed a graceful form in close proximity, turning a battery ' brilliant eyes on the prospec tive student "My dear sir." she dissertated earnestly, !ove is what make the world go 'round, ter restrial magnetism and Columbus to the contrary. And should we hide, starve or suffocate this fine emotion in our hearts and souls? No; it must have physical outlet. The most eloquent expression! of love come through glance of the eye, clasp of the hand, pressure of the waist, and oscillatory rite. Would you be popular with the opposite sex? Learn bow to pet properly: the crude lover is the unsuccessful lover. Mould you aspire to enter the movies? Culti " "Indeed I wouldl" eagerly interrupted Mr. Perkins, leaning forward. "I nay say that i the underlying reason why I came in. (t i HI" articulated the lovely mademoiselle understandingly. "Yet, correct and superior technique in petting often ' proves to be the sesame to fame and fortune in the movies. Well, here is a student's contract; what sized dots do you like to sign on?" Cannily Mr. Perkins wanted to know first as to the various course! and their prices. "Our 10-day preparatory course include! two divisions, plain and fancy petting. Plain petting instructs the ambitious novice in the art of holding hands, kissing hands, making gentle union of the lips and minor convolutions about the clavicle. Accompanying this tutelage of material methods a given oral instructions in de livering efficaciously such simple terms at 'My dear!' and ranging to such complicated ones as 'My own dearest dear I ' "The other branch of the preparatory course, fancy petting, include thorough instruction by competent coaches and trainers in grabbing hands, seizing waists, terrorizing, subsidizing and mesmerizing heart also labial juxtapositions in relations varying from oblique to parallelism, from vertical to horizontal, with artistic met cegenationt of each or alL Really, sir, love making it an art" "I believe you." breathed Mr. Perkins can didly: "and I deeply aspire to cultivate such art I'll take the preparatory course, plain and fancy petting. Can we start. at once?" "I want to tay in advance. Mr. Perkins, she cautioned, "that all acts, minor and major, committed or perpetuated in this herein and aforetaid little contract are strictly to be con strued at casual, impersonal and also profes sional: and the pupil is hereby requested and warned to regard them as such and no other. Dot this codicil penetrate?" "It doe," responded Mr. Perkin with sim ple dignity. HIS first lesson was not especially difficult, albeit somewhat embarrassing in certain moments and positions. He found that professional contact with hit teacher provided tome sensations about 75 degrees above what it termed tepid. The teacher herself commended her first pupil on hi aptness, laid he made up in sincerity what he lacked in finesse, and told him to call the next night for his second lesson. A young Mr. Perkins strolled back to the men' clothing store wherein he earned hi mod est sustenance, he meditated rosily that it would be pleasant indeed toon to be receiving $1000 a week from tome movie mogul for osculating various fascinating female profile! and other appurtenance! thereof. Since Rudolph Valen tino had pasted away there had been a great void. It wai not altogether lese majesty, whim sically he mused, to think he in time could fill IP fC Aij I All 'HE then elucidated how millions of young thus eliminated romance, that req- people did not know how lo pet, and uisite factor for happiness, from their lives; how a kits in lime laved nine, or got nine more, just as the kisser wished; how, finally, she had helped scores of romance-starved male and fe male youtlu to attain that essential amatory poise and perfection, consequently making bright their drab careen and procuring for all sweet hearts or beaux, wives or husbands. "Here," she glowingly appended, exhibiting tome photographs, "are pictures of my ttar pupil in some uxorious poses with hit mentor, myself. This lad is truly amazing, a real genius at the art ef love making. Gaze again on these pictures and note how artistically and thoroughly lie aggtomcratet with hit vis-a-vis, making of two a compact mass of erotic ecstasy." The reporter wat impressed and to wat the public when il perused hit piece three columns "And pleas don't forget me while you are rating. Krmemlier thai in my humble but meticulous way, i have done my bit lo con tribute In your phenomenal success." ' "All I am, all 1 ever hope lo be." enunciated Mr. Perkins fervently, "I owe to you. Mademoiselle Melvini. Well, goodbye." "Goodbye, Mr. Peikins." the laid, "and whatever happens I hope your participle won't graduate from the microphone in shrill soprano." It wasn't the new ttar't voice, however, that caused Jake Ginsberg, et al., lo throw up fat handt in guttural despair: it wat tomelliing else. William Perkins chopped by a week later lo tell his erstwhile necking trainer all about it. "They tay." he declared miserably, "I don't squeeze and pet in the right manner to please the fastidious and romantic public. CJarabelle Dixon, lite female led, says she would rather have a cow lick her than me kiss her. She says I am clumsy in my courting, and also automatic. She sjyt further that I am no good, and Mr. Ginsberg is willing to lei m p nr$IO,000 if I go quietly and with no hack talk." "They are all saturated," calmly denounced Mademoiselle Melvini, "and I don t mean with wisdom. Mr. Perkins, here it what's wrong: you have never necked with anyone except m and consequently you are off your stance and ttride with Mist Dixon. I know you and your amatory whims at no one else does, and kindly tell Mr. Ginsberg lhat if he doesn't want to throw away lhat $50,000 lo write me a letter." Mr. Ginsberg, however, did not write her a 'Whitlmgtonl Whitlington I My hue lover I Come, dear at lo met" she yearned. " hope." the added engage mglu, sou trill be the student of Melvimt School Amatory) expression . . . "V might he persuaded, weakened Mr. Petkim. the role of Americi't Perfect Lover: Lin coln had once split rails and Mencken in finitives, probably; why should not Wil liam Perkins loo scale the heights? Mademoiselle Mel vini averred within a week or so that he was making marvelous progress. "You came to me. a dud." she affirmed, "and now you a dilettante. Now let scene again and get it d Derfect" She relaxed back onto the settee in her charming negligee, a costume necessary for the lesson, put her shapely head on a cushion and dreamily closed her eyes. Her pupil stepped back a few pace and then coughed experimentingly. Mademoiselle Melvini opened her eyes in happy surprise, stretched forth two white seduc tive arms and yearned: "Whitlington! Whit lington I My true lover! How I have longed for you! Come, dearest, to me!" WHITTINGTON needed no second bid ding. Madly he (tumbled toward the settee, fell on hit knees, passionately ran one arm under her waist, the other under the snowy isthmus between head and shoulders, and bent hit handsome brows in circumjacence of her wistful visage. "My beloved," he crooned, "oh, my beloved, how Say, do I put my right hand on that tecond negligee button in back, or the third?" "The third," almost mapped hit beloved, the look of rapt expectancy leaving her eager eyei. "Proceed!" Somewhat chastened. Mr. Perkint proceeded with his lesson. His hold tightened on the allur ing form and he tof tly sugared : "Oh. my dear est darling, though the cruel world may keep us npart in body, in spirit I am with you." "Whitlington!" she sighed blissfully. "Whit lington. do not wait I Press me to your heart." Whitlington did not wait; he placed hit head lower, pulled her head higher, and pretsed her to his heart. Simultaneously he also pressed hit mouth to hert in one long impassioned kiss; which he terminated tuddenly to inquire. "Do you think I need a thave Mademoiselle M e 1 -vini't countenance be haved a though tome icy water had been dashed on it "No, you do not need a shave, Mr. Per kint," the taid. "I will, however, go to far at to tay I think you need to put more zeal and fire into your phytical mani festation of love, and thai it it not unwise at times to forget the minor tubletiet of technique. Well, Mr. Perkins, I will tee you to morrow evening. Good bye." Probably, or probably not, pursuant to the reali zation ot this theoretical 111 Opotnca wide, a page deep, with four illustration the next day. Here, asseverated the article, in this modest, unassuming store cleric, William Perkint, is the real or potential Perfect Lover. His hugging, kissing, fondling, necking- en tolo. wooing were the height of artistic inde fectibility. 44 IF ALL those big words about him are J true," taid Jake Gintberg't yet man lo Jake himself al Jake' Monolith Studio in Hollywood, after reading a marked clipping, "'the fellow mmt be good." The boss grunted. "Well, we got to get a star for that new story before the public forgetl it," he said. "Ain't I right?" "Sure, you're right," said hit official okayer. "If he screens good and his voice is good, we could use him, eh?" insisted Jake. "Sure, we could use him," conceded his cor roborator. "Then write him a letter," ordered Jake triumphantly. William Perkins, in blanched excitement, look the missive to his instructor in matter ama tive. "I have worked and waited, my chance ha come, and I am ready," he laid. "They want me to take the leading part in The Grea Necker." The Great Necker, it should be chronicled, was the book of the hour, and also the month . and the year. Ill young hero had a yen for participating in intimate social contact with fair onet of the meeker ex. When introduced to girl he always quaintly taluted her with a three minute embrace and a two-minute kits, there after remarking he wat sure their would be a beautiful friendship. He never knew what a handrhake or verbal greeting was, and he never botliered to discuss the tariff or football; he said everything with kisses, and when he petted a girl she stayed petted. "I am to get $50,000 for my work in the picture," rhapsodized Mr. Perkins. "I will Kale the heights.", "I bet you will," agreed hit monitor enig matically. (Copyright, i10. By ErtryWaek Magaitn FrlnUa la U. I. A.) Thev made John Cilherl and Creta Carbo took like a parr of middle-aged college trefcuori tlavint eeslomce. ... Could I tub anu more?" moaned J aire Cimberg to hit verbal euitlant. letter ; he telephoned, in last desperate hope, for her to come right up. The beautiful Mademoi selle Melvini came right up she came right up to his aesthetic expectations, and more. Still more, the wat tigned to play opposite the new star, receiving a turn commensurate with her rare talents, both of which were plenty and the former $25,000. "We will be famous." Mademoiselle Mel vini taid. "We thall be examples lo all men and women of the unlimitable power of those who know the science of osculation. They shall see us, and go out lo make romance blot torn in other hearts. lint we had better rehearse again, thai it may become tecond nature to us." Forthwith they were immediately locked in each other' embrace, although there was no clicking camera on hand lo record the intensity of the huddle into which they went And any sound-recording instrument would have tworn that il had found an interesting larie. "We thall be Romeo and Juliette come back," the instructresi stated. "Beatrice, and Dante, Cleopatra and Antony ... all those who loved in ages past shall live again. And we shall prove thai love it the greatest thing in the world!" "Love?" the apt Mr. Perkint laid quet tioningly. "Certainly." she answered, although the color deepened in her cheeks. "For what olher purpose have we been met together for lo, these many evenings, if not to practice those ancient rites which every man from Adam to Adam's' youngest grandson has used when he would make the lady of his heart understand lhat he feeli an all-consuming passion for her? We have been practicing the mechanism into which love shall put the tout. We thall teach men how lo love." "That last act needs polishing. I think I should be firmer . . like this." The devotcet of petting in ill mott intentive Hate began again, vri l l l:L :. w ucn one nai wois, one lines u la easy to pul one's heart into il," Mr. Peikint taid. " I hat is llie tecrel of success," Mademoi selle Melvini answeied. "One mutt love what one does I" fill II". director, however, eventually and at I toniiliiiigly. advised his boss thai thai indi vidual had tigned up a pair of chumps, and if he wanted any adiectivet he could supply them in gross lots, and he meant two kinds of ginti lots. I lere, gloomed he bitterly, wal a firaduate of the new tihoul of neckers who had lit ail down supreme and superior; brie, too, was the lad's comely and coinirtenl learner. '1 heir act obviously, should be a wow, but it was a wail. I le said lhat they held hands, embraced and kissed not only wisely but too well and far loo longingly and. further, loo lengthily. 1 le de clared thai whenever ihey were a dnren feet apart they tiglieii like (uinicet to get together again, and when they were together again it took a crowbar lo pry them apart. I le slated thai no mailer how much he begged and threat ened they teemed lo think tliey were al a private necking party and not acting in a studio. 1 1 deposed, also, lhat evtry now ami anon he wat mortified and angered when their dignified vowels nd consonants degenerated, consciouily or otherwise, into mere babies' prattle. I hat they made John Gilliert ami Greta Gaibo look like a pair of middle-aged college profetsort playing postoffice. He tubbed, in sad conclu sion, lhat the Lord only knew how llie picture would get by the ceniort. and lie hoped his Iwst would break even on his investment in 'I he Great Necker certainly he couhj atk no more. "Could I ak any more?" moaned Jake Gins berg to hit verbal assistant. M "Sure, you couldn't ak any more, agreed hit echo; and. perforce, a few dyt Ijter Wil liam Perkint was handed a check for $50,000 and told never lo return lo the Monolith Studio and his female lead was given a check for half thai amount and llie same sour advice. WILLIAM PERKINS silently escorted a irni Mademoiselle Mrltini lo her ' l ! : J.. I,.. Mil llw. nome, s m b"iii y store." he said as he left. "After all, I know genl't furniihings. I'll call lo nniht if I mv." lie found her, al eight on the settee, in charming negligee. Disconsolately be sat down in a chair. 'He was rixht." he said finally, and desperately, "at least alxiut me. I never realized ii tall then. 1 never could neck anybody but you ami get a real kick out of it." Mademoiselle Melnni dropped her book and her gaze. "I may as well cut down the clterry tree." the franked a confession. "I've sat on the veranda there nd watched you go by lo work for several years; a chap in your store wliom I know told me of your movie apirations. I hal tign wat Kut there lor your lieneht only; 1 ad no necking nupil but you. I got dial reporter ibeie; 1 tent Jale Ginsbcit a marked copy of the ar ticle. I prayed devoutly you would fail with Clarabelle Dixon, ana you did; 1 prayed devoutly we would last through at least one picture, and we did. You see. 1 wat after a financial slake for material happiness and you." William Perkint stared at her, hit face frozen with astonished joy. Gradually his features relaxed and hit eyei grew brighter. Joy dawned slowly, evenly, un til it teemed that the tun had come up in their usual tteady depths. I lit mouth opened, and stayed lhat way. in deed of rounding itself into the usual perfect oval which proclaimed imminent osculation. Hit alare Wat concentrated. Mademoiselle Melvini giggled. "My real name." the said, "a Dorit Brown, and I'm a stenographer. Alto, this negligee hasn't buttons and you don't need a shave." She stretched forth two while seductive arms and yearned: " Whitlington I Whitlington 1 My true lover I Come; dearest, lo me!" Whitlington needed no second bidding. irtillrnijlon needed no tecond bidding. 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