Chief Grafefc, of the National Bureau of Engraving and Printing, being asked what design would be placed on the government oleomargarine stamps, said 6* had thought "a «ttiffed goat—a bogus ‘•butt r,’ a« it were would be about the right thing.’’ This will be received b_t th. victim-. of the law as the gravest joke yet developed by this adnnniatra» tine. - Pedantic old gentleman (to restaurant waiter)—“! believe ’It is improper to apeak disrespectfully of one’s elders?” K W • So IA-- <••1.1. - r. ” I’ <). (i. — "Thun 1 will be silent concerning the duckling you have just brought me.”— Loudon Judy. Old gentleman (to small boy smoking a cigarette) —“Little boy, don't you know that a great many people die from smelting cigarettes?” Small boy —“Yes (puff), but many ueople (puff) die who (puff) don’t smoke ’em."— New York, limet. One ot the most humiliating experien ces m a man’s life is to sit in a dentist’s chair and have him bore up six or eight inches into the head x\itii<nit notice ably interfering with the brain which was supposed to till the upper story. — Nor- \ w.<h Uu.lelm. Teiiqiorarily Embarrassed The-piai — "What, only $6?” Cautious inicie - I “(Hit te vateli lie! better chewels 1 voiild gif you more.' T. E. T.—“lx>ok here, Levi! I believe that if 1 brought you the Kohinoor you'd find some fault with it” Cautious uncle "Veil, you know dere ajn’t much market now tor dem larch diamonts.” f’Ae Judge. M iMtClaru "Such a shocking acci dent at the ball game this afternoon, mamma! Poor Mr. Twobagger was run into and instantly killed. Mamma *-"Terrible. The game was stopped, of course.” Miss Clara “No; Mr. Onebagger took his place ami the game went on But. mainuia. it wasn’t near ly so interest lug. Mr. Twobagger win such a lovely pitcher.” -New York Times. We do not believe that a lien scratches for n living. She scratches for exercise. If you don t believe it. watch a well-fed hen in her humble cage at the market. Stic will scratch on the sheet-iron floor with all the vigor of a gold-digger, and affect to find things to eat wiin all the innocent assumption of a man who slips on the ice, break* both legs and his back, and tries to look as though he badn t fallen down. Hurd»tie. Declined with thanks. Monsieur R., the well-known painter, is at work on a picture representing a nymph in very scant costume. 1 'lie other dav while he was w aiting for a young girl who was posing as his model an old lady of mature years and rotund figure made her appearance. "My daughter is ill.” •aid this respectable matron, ••and she will not lie aide to pose this morning. If monsieur wishes, 1 will take her oiace.” t'uris Figaro. The blind men of Brooklyn are in the main self-supporting. Ail are engaged either in commercial pursuits or else work at trade* Piano-tuning is their favorite pursuit Nearly all are mar ried and have families. None have married wives similarly affected, and the total number of blind men in the city, which is less than one hundred, are friendly, and aid each other in time of need. One of them is worth *100,000, and a dozen more are worth halt that amount Mr Howells says the home of fiction la to be America. Mr. Howells has evi dently bis’ii reading the newspaper ao connts of storms in the West, where mules were lodg <1 on the top« of four- •torv trees and hailstone* fell "as large ae pumpkins.” And yet we don't sup pose the newspapers would exaggerate •bout a little tiling like that.—Aorrte- kus Lera d. • "Mamma, what'« hereditary*” asked Bobby, laboriously tripping over the •yllab.es of the ioug word. "Why, it is —It ta anything you get from your fa ther or nr me, me," nudk repihal the mother, a little puuled for a definition suited to his year*. Sileno* of two m.nut««. "Then, ma." he aioced. **i* spaiikina hrredlta- ryF”—7W-2/»4x A favorite retort—before the fire. MISCELLANEOUS BUSINESS MISCELLANEOUS. «RUIT mi: TRANSCONTINENTAL -ROUTE UORTHERNnACinCnAILROAD TIME IS MONEY! mi 14 I i SHOKEST! SAVE Time and Money i»y T MV calling <it W. F llllllllllllllirTHE THE DIRECT WWW VV REDMONDS. TO DINING CAB NO KOI TE! LINEiWW/iW/i;Wfi DELAYS! FASTEST THAIVS! 15 M4.MR To CHICAGO and all points EAST XwZLwuS Tickets sold to all PROVIINENT POI\ri mwwvww Throughout the East and Southeast, faAMT PAMMK^KRN! !r BE CAREFUL AND DO NOT MAKE A MISTAKE—BUT BE SURE ------- TO TAKE THE THE ortlwn Goods are going oil* And see that your ticket leads via Portland and LIKE HOT CAKES. And Time —=St. PAUL or MINNEAPOLIS.^^- To avoid changes and serious delays occasioned by other routes. Throurt Emigrant Sleeping Cars are run on Regular Express Trains Fn|] P Length of the Line. Berths Free. LOWEST RATES! ------- LT- QUICKEST TIME' ------- o------- GENERAL OFFICE OF THE COMPANY, lor Bargains is short No. 2 Washington St., Portland, Oregon. A. CALL TO-DAY, For no man knoweth OiSF” ver D. CHARLTON, General Western Passenger Agent. ailroad, acific oute. P opular icturesque R anges. Comes to-morrow. F. W. REDMOND. Fast Time, Sure Connection, New Equipi?ent The Oregon and California R. R. And Connections. TIME, 2| DAYS. Fare from Portland to San Franoisoo to Sacramento, $30. Aooommooiitions unsurpassed for comfort Close connections made at Ashland with and safety. Fares and Freights MUCH stages of the California, Oregon and Idaho LESS than by any other route between all stage company. in Willamette valley and San Franoisoo. (DAILY EXCEPT SUNDAYS.) Only Route via Yaquina Bay To San Francisco. DAILY PASSENGER TRAINS Japanese Cleansing CREAM C. VIA 225 Miles Shortest 20 Hours Less Time. WHAT it. OVERLAND TO CALIFORNIA (Exoept Sundays.) Leave Corvallis at 2 p. m. Leave Ya quina at 7:10 a. m. East Slide Division. HETWEEN POHIItMlA ASHLAXB Vlail Train. ARKITE. Portiand£AVE 8:0<> a . m . Ashland...... 4.(X ia . k . Ashland 8:45 f . m . Portland..... 3:45r.x Albany Express Train. LEAVE. Portland....4:00 p. Lebanon....4:45 a . ARRIVE. m . m . Lebanon Portland .9:20 I. a io;« a . a Pullman Palace Sleeping Cars daily between Portland and Ashland. Oregon and California, West side, trains I The O. <t C. K. R. Ferry makes connection oonneot at Corvallis. i with all the regular trains on the east silk Haiiufiiclurer and : division from foot of F street. The » >regon Development Company's VIANEE, *>ole I'roprietor. McMinnville ... Oregon. FINE Al Steamship Yaquina Qity West Side Division. RET. POHTI.AND AN D < <IKVALI.II. Vlail Train. LEAVE. ARRIVE. This preparation is unequalled for cleans ing garments of all soiled spots. Paint, Tar, Portland... 7:30 a . m . MoM’nville. 10:12 a . X Grease, etc , eradicated instantly Give it a MoM’nville 10:13 a . m . Corvallis.. .12-25 r. X SAILS trial. writ may be had of your druggist, r. a From Yaquina, From San Francisco, ! Corvallis... 1:30 p. m . MoM’nville. 3:43 local agent, or by addressing the undersign Sunday.... .Oct. Ki1 Monday .... MoM’nville 3:44 p. m . Portland.. . 6:15 P. a i ed. Agents Wanted. H. (’. M ANEE. Friday .... . “ 22 Saturday......... 44 At Corvallis connect with trains of th» McMinnville, Oregon Wednesday Nov, 3 Thursday.... <4 Oregon Paoific for Monday.... “ 15 Wednesday... Noy. Yaquina Bay. « Saturday... “ 27 Monday......... MT. CHARLO HOTEL, The < 'ompanv reserves the right to ohange Hailing days. Ft ares, between Corvallis and I*. MÜLTNEH. Prop., San ---- Francisco, Rail and Cabin, $14; Kail and Steerage, (¡9.88. (’orner Third and B street«, For information apply to ( HAS. AS. C. C HOGUE, n< wiwvii . le . . oregon Acting Gen. F. and Pass. Agent. New honre! New fnrnitnre! Unsnrpnsred Corvallis, Oregon in the country Rates—*! to <2 per day ac cording to room. Single meals 25 cents. Isslging. 25 to 50 cents according to room. Board Hiid Lodging, |4 to ft»;, per week. Two line Sample K.s.ms for commercial men. Give me a call and see for vonrrelf. o The Hl’YKKA* UllDK U tuned Sept, tud March, cnrh yraar. •<- 31* p«(M, 8'» 1 **S h»clA«>».wilh over 3,BOO lllwtr»Uoni — a whole Plctwre Uallery. U1VKM Wholuilc Price, rt.rcrl t0 roMumm on all good. for perwnal or frmlly war. Tell, low to order, and giveo era«* eo.t of every- Uhing «aw, eat. drink, wear, or kave fWu wit*. These INVALVAHl.K HOOK« ro.Uln Information gleaned front Ikr market, of the world. We will mall a cv I'RKK to any ad« dree, npon receipt of 10 eta. to defray expenw of (mailing. Let ua hear from yon. He» pew t frtlly, MONTGOMERY WARD A CO. tn A ttt Wahaah Aveaae, CMcw«o. HL City Stables HENDERSON BROS., Express Train. LEAVE. I ARRIVE. Portland ...4:50 p. m . MoM’nville..8:00 1 * MoM’nville .5:45 a . m . ¡Portland ...9:00 Li- Lax»! tickets for sale and baggage cheeked at the company’s up-town offioe. oorner of Pine and Second streets. Tickets for prin cipal points in California oan only be pro cured at company’s offioe, Corner F »nd Front streets Portland, Or. Frieght will not be reoeived for shipow* after five o'clock p. m. on either the east « west side divisions. E. P KOGERS, R. KOEHLER. G. F. & P A«“1- Manager. samuel corr, Late of Independence, having purchased tin TEAMS AXD TRICK* Of Logan Bros. A Henderson, offer« services in that line to the public, and <l!1 Guarantee To all who favor him with their He will keep a wagon speoir’.ly»d*l*e<1 fnr Ample room to ears for ho _ delivery of parcels, trunks satchels teams at as reasonable ratee as any where in the aooomooation of the publio. Crd* Oregon. New stable Third St.. McMinnville. at the stable will be promptly attended