Humors
Natural causes-
A GREAT ACTOR.
Juryman—Yes, we brought in a Artist Who Uiecouiite I Booth, Barrett
an I Rich.tr 1 Man-ti-ld.
They take possession of the body and verdict of death from natural causes.
are Lords of Misrule.
| Reporter—But an iron beam fell on
“Yes, sir," said the old man. unosten
They are attended by pimples, bolls, the him from the fourth floor!
tatiously annexing a prune while the
itchiiiR tetter, salt rheum, and other cu
Juryman—Of course. Wasn't that grocery mail's back was turned. “You
taneous eruptions; by feelimrs ot weakness
languor, general debility and what not.
. natural’ You wouldn’t expect it to tellers kin talk ull yer wauter about
They cause more suffering than anything fall up on the eighth floor, would Booth'll Barret an' John L. Sullivan an'
else.
|
Health, Strength, Peace and Pleasure you? That's where he ought to have Richard Maustield. but I ain't never
require their expulsion, and this is posi ! Iieen at work instead of down in the hearn that any ot 'em ever played
tively effected, according to thousands of , basement.
niure'n one part In tli’ same show.
grateful testimonials, by
Hood’s Sarsaparilla
far Idea.
Miss Bridesoon—What is your idea
Which radically and permanently drives
them out and builds up the whole system. ' of the ideal lover?
Miss Yellowleaf—The one who mar
ries.
Bound to Be Heard.
The Tru*t Probeiu.
r<> a thoughtful mind, the trust problem
is one of serious import. It must be firmly
grappled with, for it creeps upon society
before you are aware of its existence, in
this respect much resembling the various
disorders which attack the stomach, such
as const ipat ion. indigestion, d vspepsia. bil
iousness, liver a nd kidney troubles. Hos-
i tetters Stomach Bitters is the one reliable
remedy for all siich ailments. Be sure to
give it a trial.
Jester—I understand our pastor is
goi/ig |o preach through a megaphone
hereafter.
I
Jimson—Why is that?
Jester—\V hy, the sleeping mem '
bers of the congregation snore so
loudly that the others can’t hear.
Hoitt’s School.
At Menlo Park, San Mateo County, Cal., with
its beautiful, surroundings, perfect climate,
careful superv non, thorough instruction^
complete laboratories, and gymnasium, easily
maintains its position in the front ranks of
schools tor boys <>n the Pacific Coast. Ira G.
Uoitt, Ph. D., Principal.
Station for Observing
Earthquakes.
The academy of science at Vienna
has resolved to establish a novel sta
tion for the observation of earth
quakes, in a silver mine 100 meters
below the surface.
The Best Prescription for Malaria
Chills and Fever is a bottle of Grove’s Tasteless
Chill Tonic. It is simply iron and quinine in
a tasteless form. No Cure. No Pay. Price 50c
Clearly True.
Signs of Spring.
“Have you beard a robin yet?”
“No, but I’ve seen a woman with
her head tied up in a towel beating a
carpet in the back vard. ”
FORTUNE’S PHASES.
THE UPS AND DOWNS IN THE
LIFE OF A CLERK.
A Tale of Misfortune and Misery With a
Happy Ending —The World Seemed
“What do think of this idea that
Ail Very Dark for a While.
Mars is sending signals?” asked Mr.
A clerk’s life, ordinarily, is a very
Beechwood.
“There’s nothing on earth in it!” humdrum one with but very little
replied Mr. Homewood, emphatically. variety to the daily routine. But
Mr. Fred R. Morton of No. 80 Vesper
Mothers will find Mrs. Winslow’s Sooth street, Portland Me., had an experi
ing Syrup the best remedy to use for their ence recently which has made his life
children during the teething period.
now a very happy one. In telling a
reporter of what he went through he
His Reason.
said:
First Tramp.—Why didn’t yer
“I had been suffering with stomach
swipe dat feller’s chainless bicycle trouble for about two years.
Every
datyer went after last niight?
day about ten o'clock in the morning
Second Tramp—Well, I found out and three o’clock in the afternoon 1
dere was a chainless dorg in de yard. became faint and felt so bad that if I
did not sit down I would fall. That
EBTC Permanently Cured. No fits or nervousncsr sensation usually lasted for about an
■ I IQ after first <I ht ’ h iirp of Dr Kline’s Great Nerve
Restorer, »endtor FREEST.OOtriulbottleandtreat hour and when noon came I had no
ise. Da. R. H K link , Ltd..V31 Arch St.. Philadelphia. Pa.
appetite for lunch.
“I saw Dr. Williams’ Pink Pills for
Revolution of Watch Wheels.
Pale People advertised in the daily
The main wheel of a watch makes papers about a year ago and decided
1,460 revolutons in a year ; the second to try them. I felt relief from the
or center wheel, 8,760; the third first box and after I had taken six
wheel, 70,080; the fourth wheel, 525,- boxes my disease was cured. I do not
600; and the fifth or scape wheel. take them now but always keep them
4,731,860.
i in the house. I have told my friends
what these pills have done for me and
TO CURE A COLD IN ONE DAY
Take Laxative Bromo Quinine Tablets. All should I know of any one’s being sick
druggists refund the money if it falls to cure. as I was I should recommend Dr.
EL W. Grove’s signature is on each box. 25c.
Williams’ Pink Pills for Pale People. ”
Mr. Morton’s statement was pub
Down in the Stogie Belt.
lished in the Portland Express after
Visitor—Do you ever have any he had sworn to it before Marshall H.
B.moke consumers in Pittsburg?
Purrington, a notary public.
Pittsburger—Yes; each resident
The most effective remedy in the
consumes his own share.
world in cases of this kind is Dr. Wil
Beware of Ointment! for Catarrh That liams’ Pink Pills for Pale People.
They act directly on the blood and
Contain Mercury,
This makes them invaluable
As mercury will surely destroy the sense of nerves.
smell and completely derange the whole sys not only for stomach trouble but also
tem when entering ft through the mucous sur
faces. Such ari icles should never be used ex for such diseases as locomotor ataxia,
cept on prescriptions from reputable physi partial paralysis, St. Vitus’ dance,
cians, as the damage they will do is ten fold to
neuralgia,
rheumatism,
the good you can possibly derive from them. sciatica,
Hall’s Catarrh Cure, manufactured by F. J. nervous headache, the after effects
Cheney <fc Co., Toledo, O., contains no mercury,
and is taken internally, acting directly upon of the grip, palpitation of the heart,
the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. pale and sallow complexions and all
In buying Hall’s Catarrh Cure be sure you get
the genuine. It is taken internally, and made forms of weakness either in male or I
In Toledo, Ohio, by F. J. Cheney A Co. Testi female.
Dr. . Williams’ Pink Pills I
monials free.
for Pale People are sold by all deal
Sold by Druggists, price 75c. per bottle.
Hall’s Family Pills are the best.
ers, or will be sent postpaid on receipt
i of price, fifty cents a box, or six boxes
Spring Shades.
: for two dollars and fifty cents (they
“Nature is painting the world with are never sold in bulk or by the hun
generous coats of green,” remarked dred) by addressing Dr. Williams
Mrs. Bellefield, as she sat on her porch Medicine Co., Schenectady, N. Y.
and watched the rain falling on the
Wanted to Know.
grass and young leaved trees.
Papa—Oh, no! Washington never
“And using watercolors, ” added Mr.
told a lie.
Bellefield.
Johnny—Who attended to that part
Mama Eate a Caecarat.
of his strategy for him, pa?
Baby get« the benefit. Nursing mother» m»lte
their inilk mildly purgative with Cakearets, the
only safe laxative tor babies. All druggist«, 10c,
25c, 50c.
Later.
Pshaw! Anybody kin do that, but
when it comes down to doin’ five or six
parts, 1 call that actin'. I think th*
greatest' actor I ever seed was with th
last ’Uncle Tom's Cabin’ troupe that
came through here. Lord, but it was a
tine show! Two ’Unde Toms,’ two
Topsies.’ two ’Lawyer Markses,’ two
everything. Fust 1 seed of th' feller he
was heatin' the snare drum in the street
parade an' leadin' them Cublan blood
hounds at tli’ same time. That night
he took tickets nt th' door, an’ when
the curtain went up 1 seed that he was
actin’ the part of 'St. Clair.’ Later on
in th' play he acted one of th’ 'Lawyer
Markses,’ then came out as that quaker
chap, an’ ’tween acts denied if he
didn’t do an aerobatic specialty thet
wuz tine. Gosh, but he wuz sweatin’
when th ecurtaln went down, and 1
thought he'd be near dead, but dog-
goned if he wasn't at the door sellin’
pictures of 'Little Evy’ as we went out.
1 happened to be down town late that
night, and who should I see goin’ 'long
th' street but that actor. He was
wheelin’ the trunks down to the depot.
Now, sirs, he’s what I call a great
,
actor!”—Kansas City Independent.
j
are so placed that physical exertion
Active.
is not constantly demanded of them it
their daily life.
“By the wav, old Gotrox is not in
We make a special appeal to mothers- active business now, is he?”
of large families whose work is -level
“I should call it active.
He is
donq. and many of whom suffer, anc. dodging taxes at u more lively rate
suffer for lack of intelligent aid.
To women, voung or old, rich ot than any man in town.”
p<K»r, we extend an invitation to accept
Didn't Like It.
free advice. Oh. women ! do not let
"What does t he teacher say when
you don’t know your lessons?” asked
Willie’s father.
“She says I must be a ehip oft' the
old blockhead,” replied Willie, and
then something happened.
Mistress—I wouldn’t hold the baby
so near the tiger’s cage, Nora.
Nora (the nurse)—There’s no risk,
I mum. th’ tiger is a “man eater,’ and
| th’ child is a gur-rul.
Perils of the Poles.
M bs .
Count
IN TH£ BEGINNING
SLICKER
IT B9Rt THIS TRADE MAK
I
!
This gixnnture is on every box ot the genuine
Laxative Bromo*Quinine Tablet,
the remedy
n col<l in one day
WHICH 8 STILL TO K FOVNA ON TNI
BEST OILED CLOTHING.
OH 3ALB tVERYWHERt. BEWARE OE IrtITATIONS.
Her Lack.
CATALOGUES FREE
The Illinois woman who called her
husband a jackass and then got mad
because he called her his better half
does not seem to know such a thing
as justice.
is best time to cure Catarrh,
Bronchitis »nd CoiiBnmptioii.
Our remedy is guaranteed, |1.
I*. O. Box »7 3.
H. Y
•J
SHOWING FULL LINE OF GARMENTS AND MATA
A J.TOWER CO. BOSTON, MASS, ¿r
Where do You
Sell Your Hides?
nvrwr.
Wealways pay the Highest Price.
Chas. La Mastick & Co.
75 Front St., cor. Oak, Portland, Or.
FARM MACHINERY AND SUPPLIES!
FREE TO FARMERS MilwaukeeBintiers
LEAD------------- —‘
Do You Keep Horses,
Latchless Reel
Concave Drive Wheel
Light Draft
Our 1901 Vehicle Book
Our 1901 Implement Catalogue
JUST ISSUED.
Send your name and P. O. addres« and we
will mail one or both, as desired, free of all
charge.
Or cattle, sheep or pigs? If so you
want good fences. Send for free book
and pictures telling about the best
and cheapest fences on earth.
Port
land Anchor Fence Co., 742 Nicolai
First and Taylor Sta
street, Portland, Oregon.
Mitchell, Lewis & Staver Co.,
PORTLAND, OR.
CATALOGUE FREE.
J. A. FREEMAN, Gen’l Agt.
200 E. Wator St., Portland, Ora.
Complete Stock of Water A. Wood Extras.
3
A Vain Hope.
Flushing—Didn't you join another
Don’t Worry club lust week, Harriet?
Mrs. Flushing —Yes; I hope you
don’t object to my belonging to two
Don’t Worry clubs, Henry.
Flushing (abjectly)—Oh, no, Har-
rite; but I had hoped that they would
keep you from worrying me some
what I
GEISLER PATENTS
COMPANY.
Chamber of Commerce,
PORTLAND, OREGON.
I am sure Piso’s Cure for Consumption
saved my life three years ago.—Mas. T hob .
R obbins ’ Maple street, Norwich, N. Y.,
Feb. 17, 1900._________________
Social Training.
Miss Gotrichkwick—Please, Sir, is
this a training school?
Principal—It is.
“Please, Sir, I wish to learn how to
eat olives. ”
Secures patents for inventions
ill the I nited States and foreign
countries. Also negotiates mar
kets and defends patent inven
tions.
No better terms or facilities
than we offer obtainable any
where.
Payment of our fees
may be deferred till patent is
allowed. Write for pamphlet.
The Wonder of the âge
Th« great Airship, 228 feet long and 56
high, now building at san Francisco, Cali
fornia, will make its first voyage about Sep
tember 15th. EVERY O> E h I khi M have a
few SHARES. They »re now selling at |2.00
a share, and will be worth ||U0 alter the
ship has made her first voyage Send orders
for stock with check or money order to Cal.
Aerial Navigation <’<»., care of Columbian
Banking Co., San Francisco, Cal.
Hotel Flavel
Opens for Beason June 23, 1901.
Col. J. F. Harvey, Manager
ture of Chas. II. Fletclicr, mid has been made under his
personal supervision for over 30 years. Allow no one
to deceive you in this. Counterfeits, Imitations anil
“ .Tust-as-g-ooil ” arc but Experiments, anil endanger the
health of Children—Experience against Experiment.
What is CASTOR IA
Castoria is a harmless substitute for Castor Oil, Pare
goric, Drops atul Soothing Syrups. It is Pleasant. It
contains neither Opium, Morphine nor other Narcotic
substance. Its age is its guarantee. It destroys Worms
and allays Feverishness. It cures Diarrhoea and Wind
Colic. It relieves Teething Troubles, cures Constipation
and Flatulency. It assimilates the Food, regulates the
Stomach and Bowels, giving healthy and natural sleep.
• The Children’s Panacea— The Mother’s Friend.
The Kind You Have Always Bought
THE ••MONTEREY” OF OREGON.
Most beautiful and perfectly equipped sum
mer resort. Every convenience and comfort.
Free bus from hotel to surf. Bathing, fishing,
dancing, bowling.
A splendid hotel with
lovely surroundings Under new management
thin year. For rat» ■ and reservations address
HOTEL FLAffL, Ftawl, Or*.
Or J. La MITCHELL,
S15 Marquam Bldg,.
Portland, Or*.
Springtime Resolutions
th V
Keeley Cure
Bure relief fiom liquor, opium and tobacco
habit». Bend fee particulars to
JX1—
Knley InstltHt«.
JOHN POOLE, Portland, Oregon,
Foot o( Morrison Street.
Can give yon
Ruegiee, Plow.,
Win.’milla and
Machinery. See
Japanese University for Women.
The Japanese university in Toklo, ex
cluslvely for women, la approaching
completion, and will be opened some
time tbla year. Three rich Japanese
men have given enough to insure the
completion of the bulldinga.
MB
led.
With one Lever Raising and Lowering Device
“Mustache cups?” said the clerk in j
the chinaware department.
“Yes,
sir. Here’s a pretty design.
Cup
and saucer, one forty-nine. "
“But,” said Mr. Porque Pacque,
“that ain’t the saucer that goes with
>t.”
"O, yes.”
Kilkenny Castle on Oct. 5. 18-1-1, he suc
“Not much it ain’t. There ain’t
ceeded the secon I marquis, his father,
no mustache guard on it.”
Her Frugality.
CURE CONSTIPATION.
...
THCRS WAS ONLY ONC
The Saucer’s the Thing.
A well-known English woman who is
famous for her taste In dress was re
cently asked by a young aspirant not
very well acquainted with her London
liow much pin money was required by
a woman who “went about a good deal,
but wasn’t really extravagant. She re
plied:
“If you’re very careful you can man
age to dress on $2,000 ■ year.” and after
a slight pause she added, with modest
pride:
“I used to somehow, when Bobble and
I were first married and hadn't six
pence.”
Pleasant. Palatable. Potent. Taste Good. Do
Good. Never Sicken. Weaken, or Gripe 10c. 25c. 50c.
Three expeditions are trying to
your lives be sacrificed when a word of locate the south pole, and six are
advice at the first approach of weak after the one at the other end of the
ness. may fill your future years with world. This means nine new faces
healthy joy. Address a letter to Mrs on the lecture platform next year.
When von take Grove's Tasteless Chill Tonic,
because the formulais plainly printed on every
bottle showing, that it is simnly Iron and Qui
nine in a tasteless form. No Cure, Ne Vay. 60c.
heap of bones and gristle which was
referred to by the butcher as joints and
steaks. She was evidently very poor
Indeed, as she hesitated to pay 3d for a
scaleful of "selected bits.”
“'Ere.'ave'em for tuppence,” growled
the butcher.
“Too much,” said the woman.
" 'Ave 'em at a penny.”
Still the woman hesitated.
There was a look of pity, mixed with
disgust, on his face as he yelled:
“Still too much? 'Ere. 'ang It! I'll
turn me back while you sneak ’em!”—
London Spare Moments.
wife had pimple» oil her fare, but
■be has oevn t.kkiug QASCARETS and they
have all disappeared. I had been troubled
with constipation (or some time but after tak
ing the first Cascuret I have had no trouble
with this ailment. We cannot speak too high
ly of ('aseareis ”
F hkd W aiitman .
5708 Germantown Ave.. Philadelphia. Pa
B kllbvillb .
YOU KNOW WI1AT YOU ABE TAKING
Deficient in Dead Languages.
PIMPLES
•teriiMf Hemedy (oapiay, <tel«n<K, NMlrttl,
No Risk.
Patient—Doctor, would you mind
stopping at the drug store and pay
ing for this prescription.
I’m short
of change.
Doctor (hurridly writing another
prescription)—Excuse me. I made a
mistake. You don’t need any nerve
medicine.
in the great estates of the marqu sate
In 1854. lie was educated at Harrow
and Joined the First Life Guards in
18l>3. retiring with the rank of captain
ten years later. The marquis has al
ways been devoted to the pastime of
yachting and is himself an excellent
sailor. His marchioness is the daugh
ter of the first Duke of Westminster.
tei
CURLS WHERE All ELSE FAILS.
Q
IwJ Best Cough Syrup. Ta. tea Good. Use PM
l pl
In time. Sold bv druggist*.
1- - <
Progress Among Florida Negroes
An industrial school for Negroes is
promised in Florida, thus putting
that state on a par with other of the
southern states in the education of the
colored people.
Made a Mistake.
Again the two illustrious men met.
Observer—You don’t sweat much
“McSweeney, ” said the governor
The Lowest Price.
of North Carolina to the governor of at your work?
A cheap-jack butcher brought his eart
Laborer—I guess not; a dollar a to a standstill in Petticoat lane. A
South Carolina, with deep solemnity,
day ain’t sweatin’ wages.
“have you joined the Buffaloes?”
miserable old woman eyed closely the
THE SWIFT SPECIFIC COMPANY. ATLANTA. QA.
Horrible Combination.
“What a saving of time, and other
things there would be,” remarked the
observer of events and things, "if a
man could take his first ocean voyage
and
his first smoke at the same time. ”
In this workaday world few women
Pinkham's Laboratory, Lynn Mass.
and you will not be disappointed.
MARQUIS OF ORMONDE
“ When 1 began to take Lydia E
Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound I was
Succeed* Kin« Edward ns Commodore
not able to do mv housework. 1 suf
of the Yacht Squadron.
fered terribly at time of menstruation
The Marquis of Ormonde is now the Several doctors told me they could d<
commodore of the Royal Yacht Squad nothing for me. Thanks to the Pink
ron. succeeding King Edward in that ham advice and medicine I aru now
position. The Duke of Leeds has been well, and can do the work for eight it
the family.
made vice-commodore.
“I would recommend Lydia E. Pink
Lord Ormonde is one of the most no
ham’s Vegetable Compound to all
table men in the Irish peerage. He Is mothers with large families.” — M rs
the hereditary chief butler of Ireland C arbib B elleville . Ludington, Mich
and vice-admiral of Leinster. Born at
Cardinal Pedro Gonealez was a pious
man who believed in the gospel of
peace. He noticed one day that a
priest in his train carried a short sword
under his cloak. The cardinal reproved
him. saying that a cleric should not
carry arms.
“True,” answered the priest humbly,
“but I carry the weapon only to defend
myself should I lie attacked by a dog.”
“In that case,” said the cardinal,
“and if I saw a dog running toward
me, I should begin to recite the Gospel
of John.”
“That,” returned the priest, “would
STon* ffce Oough and
Work. Off th. Cold.
be a wise thing, indeed, but may It not
Laxative Bromo-Quinine Tablets cure a cold in be that there are some dogs that do not
nn© day. .No cure, No Pay. Price 26 cents.
understand
Latin?”—Youth’s
Com
Not That Kind.
panion.
Scrofula is an unwelcome legacy, but one which
the children of blood poisoned parentage must
accept, with all its humiliating consequences. It is
an inheritance that makes one poorer; that brings
wretchedness and disease instead of health _ and
riches, for the child whose ancestral blood is tainted
with Scrofula or the loathsome virus of Contagious
Blood Poison is unfitted for the arduous duties of
life so long as any of the transmitted poison remains
1
in its veins. Scrofula manifests itself in various forms; swollen glands about the
neck and throat, catarrh of the head, weak eyes, hip bone disease, white swelling
and offensive sores and abscesses are familiar symptoms, attended usually with
loss of strength, poor digestion and pale or bloodless complexion. The skin is
sometimes most dreadfully affected, eruptions breaking out on all parts of the body.
Scrofula destroys bone, tissue and flesh; no part of the human svstem escapes its
withering, benumbing touch.
wn.
— nineteen
—
-------------
When
years -t-s
old, end ahnnf
about nvtA
one VAAt
year _
Parents who»- blood is pois
after the birth of my drat child, the glands on oned by their own misdeeds,
the laft aldo of my nook began to swell. Four of
the places ware 1 snood end became open running or who themselves may be
cores; risings came under my left arm, and the suffering for the sina of some
diackarge was simply awful. The doctors eaid I
remote ancestor, must re
kad tha worst case of Borofnla they had aver store their own blood to its
seen. I took iodide of potaaelum, but thia nor normal purity and strength,
tha other drugs given for this disease brought or they cannot expect
relief. When the »hyeloians advised me to have
healthy, robust children.
the glands removed, I deeidod to try 8. S. 8. A
few bottles cured me completely; no signs of S. S. S. cures Scrofula, like
tha terrible disease are loft. __
other diseases of a deep-
XM8. BIOHARD WASKOM,
seated, constitutional charac
Golden Corners, Okie.
ter, by restoring life and
purity to the profoundly poisoned blood, and the rich, strong blood that is carried
to the swollen and diseased glands absorbs and destroys the tuberculous deposits,
aad the painful, disfiguring sores and other evidences of Scrofula disappear.
8. S. S. should be begun immediately upon the appearance of the first symp
toms. or where there is a known predisposition to Scrofula. Our medical depart
ment will be found of great help to those who are struggling with this wasting
disease of herrdffv nr any other blood trouble, and we invite you to write us.
Should you or anv member of your family need advice, our physicians will cheer
fully give the information you desire, for which we make no charge. Book OB
Blood and Skin Diseases free.
>
To Mothers of
Large Families
In Use For Over 30 Years.
▼we etintua
wtHfti. rr
■vim»» »vw«rr. new ▼»»« orw.
M. p. a. u.
the beet bargain« in
Holier* and Enginea,
Pump« ani General
ua before buying
so. ae-ieeu
HKN writing te advert leer, please
mention thTe paper.
W