Image provided by: Yamhill County Historical Society; McMinnville, OR
About The Oregon register. (Lafayette, Yamhill County, Or.) 18??-1889 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 24, 1888)
THE BASEBALL UMPIRE- baiter-ba«. -..joe “7 «currtwl. 0« ‘I»“ «Ulo» »ack ..... Grwd out th« umpire, atrikdrdown« *rn’"d f,‘u<,ulek- G«i The people of Calais never saw a genuine, living and moving millionaire till Uncle Russell Sage went down there the other day to buy the Grand Southern railroad. With true down east hospitality a son of the hotel landlord hitched up a span of hoi-ses and gave Millionaire Sage a delightfulride about town. Uncle Russ was profuse In -his ex pressions of pleasure, and after the drive was over put his hand right down in bis pocket and gave the young man a nice, round, silver ten cent piece, 'rhe young man was much surprised. He did not expect anything. He has h/ad a hole punched in that teu cent piece and wi{l wear it on his watch chain.—Lewis ton Journal me ball men shouted. Lt,'" «»• P«opi'”“ld jLtioouod- «itbgr it»-»'“™ 1W‘,m protector wm *° tha‘ expire -coroner rM ,umn’°QCd • manner dazed, u. umpire’« r»r»- — „»tbererdlct. rendered !. «Turned *nd to“8L £» dei*l of » broken head. K.'Xiiof«’’“ *'“U “‘t"""-" Tunea- f TMeniai a »eck. Oirl-My f*ther wanto mucrJ |1 don't want him to. is nch* 1 suPP066* i little craxy times, no doubtF fu| now This is w*ry important N ever ** him rave around the i mad'” «kv he I«« his sellar button.” 'fiid that won’t count. Perhaps he ,jng of (be brain, thoqgh, and is gander his wealth unless put in a ^vlunif* . ¿fbool going into buuine*." Louis." Munta! wreck.”—Omaha World. i CnaMwerable Argumert. 5ty Child- You*look disappointed. Child—Your nia wrote that this r It isn’t It’s only a town. it towu. it’8 a city. It’s name’s y, so now there.” care what its name is, it isn’t a city, •lean and siuootb the streets are. If H t y the streetswntrkf be aH- torn I couldn’t get around.—Omaha ImpertArtabiilty. ¡out there, man! way coming? IL Don’t you _- J ____ Taking a Rest. Yorker—See that man with the r and that tired feeling so elo- rred to in the, patent medicine he been taking a Turkish bath het on! —— New Yorker—Oh, no; he is Just from the country, where he has ing Sunday.—New York Tribune. »•e Mean Aristocrats, leura—It does make me so mad. money we don’t git no respect. Sh! What’s folk’s been saying about the way we got our cash, think Miss Boston said when I Pop’s new portrait? She asked if *d in oiL"-Omaha World. Slightly Mixed. (to maid who has Just received a t>ce)—1 would rather not give you ttalL But, if you insist upon it, shall tell the truth about you. ,d if you do, ma’am, 1 shall sut- I *n action for deflmation o’ char ton Punch. 0«» or the Other. -tor uked a vtoitor at an office 1 building of the office boy. lnow where he tor > tunt’» dead, an’ I gnen he’« 'onrral or at the ball game. ”— 'rress. A Few Points on Etiquette Given by a 13-Toar-DM. There tea I3ryear-old boy in Cambridge who is a great ‘’society man," and who is re ferred to by his friends on all points of eti quette. He was overheard one day giving some “pointers” to a b^y about his age, but who had, apparently, none of his frieud’s tplomb. Boy No. 2, whom we will call Fred, assaying anxiously. “But 1 never know what to say to a girl at a party. What do you talk about, any wayF “Oh, that’s easy eupugh,” replied the so ciety man. “First you say that it’s a lovely uight for a party- then you ask her if she doesn’t think the rooms are a little Warm. ” “Yes?" interrogatively, from Fred. “Well, then ask her if she’s fond of waltz ing; then—then—oh. say that the floor is very slippery.” _ *‘ Well, what nextF ---------- -------- ------------ “Oh!”—evidently a little strained—“tell her^ypn‘like her step; then”—sudden inspira tion—“ask her if she doesn’t want a glass of water; be a long time getting it, and by the time you get back sor^e other man ’U be with her.”—Boston Gazette. High but Not D omm Enough. In Providence the other day they were set ting some very tall ^pptes for the tetepnoue wij-ea—-seventy footera A countryman came along and asked the foreman what bis men were doing Now, the foreman of that par ticular gaug is a mild mannered citizen and means to be patient and forbearing, but he is worried a good deal with questions and gets tired of answering them. In this particular case be told the countryman that he was building a wire fence. “Is that soF said the farmer, looking aloft, and then added: “Well, 1 guess you’ve got it bull high, butl don’t believe you can make it pig tight.” Tba^ foreman has been very shy of Rhode Island furmex-s ever since.—Boston Heraid. CHICAGO RESTAURANTS. A» Hoorit Man Who Wanted ta Pay det Couldn't. Ong of the Washjpgtou writers who came ou to ao the cou vention bad labored bard on Bunday and Sunday night. After his work be concluded to cool his feverish palate with a glass ot Gam brinks' own and a cheeeb sandwich. He repaired for this 'purpose to a place on Clark street and began quietly to partake of Lis refreshments. “Have you a napkinF be asked of a waiter “What!” shrieked the waiter. “A napkin.” “You vipe yourself mit your baind. Ve dou’d keep no napkins In here.” The Washington man proceeded with his lunch. A few minutes later there was a row in the front end of the housa Sixteen wait- ara hopped upon one man. 8ome of them waiters Had bottles and one of them .bad a cheese knife about as long as a man’s arm. The chap who had waited on the Washingtoe correspondent Joined in the fracas, and tar tied in the fun so long that the Washington man could find no one to accept his quid pro quo. He at last concluded to go out at a side door and thus avoid being summoned os a witness to a saloon row He got out into tbs alley and was driven back by the crowd, but was still unable to engage the attention of tbs chap who had waited on him, and finally went out of the front door, leaving his bill unpaid. He went to his room, where, during the remainder of the night, he saw nothing but the gleam of a cheese knife and an In furiated mob. . On Monday he went back to the place and explained to the head man bow he had gone away the night before, leaving his bill unpaid. “1 don’t peliejry it,” said the boss. “I nefer had a man do dot vay before. You vant to Olay me a shoak. You gid rigtd avay owd so quick as dot. or 1 call me Shake and der sbeseknife, und we haif some more fun. Gid owjflF You was a delegade, 1 pet you.” “Tuen 1 can’t payF said the hone6t man from Washington. “No, you can put it in der slot wid der scales un veigb yourself by seeing it ga But 1 don’t taig nuddings from you. It would hoodoo der pizness.”—Chicago MaiL Tested Practically. Johnny, who is four years old, was play in the yard one day, and a lady who lives close by wished to have the eggs, if any were laid since her last visit to the hennery, brought in. She said to the little boy’ Business Sagacity In St. Louis. “Johnny, will you go to the hennery and see An old and very wealthy man of 8L Louis, if there are any eggs there? Don’t bring in, urtiose constant -companion was^ white and the china ones, leave' them there, hut if black dog, had been in the habit of coming to the sui>-treasury at certain periods for the there Ire uny others bring them in.” ' Jqhnny sorted to do the bidding, and purpose of getting the coupons of his bonds cashed. One day he presented himself for soon returned with two or three broken eggs, that purpose, and the cashier refused to give and his pinafore soiled. The lady, seeing him him the money The old man demanded to coming, exclaimed: “Jobruiy, bow did you break the eggsF Ydung Tifiles (faint hearted»--Jusfi think, know why. » Johnny looked nt her in sui"prise and «aid: angel mine, how poor I am. Why, what “I dofitknow you," said the cashier. “How should 1 tell whether they were china could I make of you? “But 1 have been here before, and was She (bravely)—Well, you could make Mrs. ■eggs or not if 1 didn’t try them r-Boston never denied,” the man answered. Globe. Tiffles of me if you had any nerve.—Wash The cashier looked at him a moment and ington Critic.. theu said: “Where is your black aud white An Exceedingly Expressive Answer. log that always comes with you, if you are A, lady who dressed elegantly and belongs Did You Ever Rw One? the same niauF____ ________ •------ ------------ toXlitThigh perch of social plumage tnade a . — 1-------- ° *• jueieirjw uau got u a The fellow uauseeu had seen every vuiag, thing, had The old man’s eyes filled with tears as be ° • ? eH recently upon a lady of ber ac- i chip off everything, and bad some memento told tire cashier that the dog was dead. quaintancre and waited in the jiarlor white Lf everything. He dropped into a little knot “Well," replied thtf cashier < “1 am sorry to„ r ear was sent np. A tiny specimen of a ¡of artists, who were discussing Bohemian A Calf That Reasoned. bear that, but you’ll haver to bring some girl was present, who eyed the elegant visitor ' Life giri places. As the traveler came in life in in many many-places. We learn that an amusing incident occur body here to identify you now. I don’t know very closely and seemed mucji iuteresfettin --------- ^.«^^one of them was saying: “ Ah, that is the red attire home of Mr. 8. M_ Jones, near you without the dog.”—Chicago MaiL her appearance. "Well, my dear, dear,” ” remarked?* rcr_—T™ 'place where they made the welkin ring.” Bethel, last week. Among the cattle was a ‘Well, my . the visitor, with approval, as she smoothed “What place are you talking aboutF asked calf that" seemed to possess a very great dis ra««F .II. a * — . A Personal Illustration. out I,/.., ber o silks and lac^s, “what do you think, the traveler. “We were talking of Bohe like to being roped at milking time and Hon. Ainos J. Cummings tells a funny of me?” mia.” “Oh, yes; Bohemia. 1 know. I’ve always made quite a to do when the rope story about a printer named Austin. While _______ Oh,” said the _____ little girl, with the charm- been there. I’ve got one of them.” “One of Cummings was setting type in The New ing candor of childhood,* . ----------- “ - ------ -» “I’ve seen flounces ^wfiatF ^One of them welkin ring9—on’ it’s out to attend the milking and upon looking Yurk Tribune office a good many years ago, before!”—Detroit Free Press. a beauty.”—San Francisco Chronicle. in the accustomed place for the rope failed to Austin did “sub” work a spe|l. One day„ ——■u find it. While the search for it was going on Austin said to Cummings: “This office is Didn’t Want It Without Rain. the calf thought, perhaps, to £et moré than more honest tLjui The.Tinie^ofllce-’’ ■ —. While the^gannfWI was being fired last his share of the milk, but something seemed Fond Mamma (showing the baby to visitor “WhyF evening a little girl of 4 years, who had never to interfere with the imbibing process, and “Because when I went out today I left an heard a salute fired, becamsRhdgbtened, and —Sh-h—he’s asleep. The little darling! Isn’t nis peculiar actions attracted attention to apple on my case, and when 1 came back, said: “Mamma, I don’t likç tb have them he the sweetest you ever saw? Visitor (in awe struck whisper)—Decidedly. mm. W hereupon it was discovered that the there it was, safe and sound; nobody had make that noise now; it is well enough when calf had swallowed the rope, but' failed to Can he talk? eaten it.” , , it rains.”—Burlington Free.I^-ess. Fond Mamma—Talk? I should think he make a complete job of it, as the noose was “WeU!” could talk! Why, he can say “goo” and banging from one corner of lite mouth. The “Now, just to show you how different The Promptly Answered. “ga” and “yow.” Picked them up himself, aoose was laid hold of aud a steady pull Times printers are, while I was working “Flossie,” said her mamma, ‘.‘why do you too. And Annette is teaching him to say brought the rope to light. The calf is suf therd' last week, one of the boys went off, “A-wow ee,” and thinks he will have it per ficiently amused and doesn’t swallow any keep up such a constant chatter, chatter, all leaving an orange on bis case. 1 took it and more ropes to evade being tied.—Greenvilte the time?” fectly in a few days.—Boston Beacon. ite it."—Chicago News. LN. C.) Reflector. “ ’Tause I’ve got lots to say,” explained Flossie.—Epoch. A Difficult Task. A Sure liecipe. A traveling man for a certain New York Professor Pasteur—Oui, I must admit it. A Warranted Suspicion. house was put on the witness stand in court. My plan for killing Australian rabbits by > A little 3-year-old, noticing a cow one win “Do you solemnly swear,” said the clerk, inoculating them with cholera of chicken has ter morning and observing her breathe, said: “that the evidence you shall give in the case failed.' _ “Mamma, does th$cow smokeF—Babyhood. now on hearing shall be the truth, the whole American—I’ll tell you what to do. Just truth, and nothing but the truth?” convince the rabbits that they will have’ hy- Courage. The witness hesitated, and then said: “I’ve Irophobia unless they can get to you for Bennie was asked if he was afraid of. the .been selling goods for Blanks & Co. for five treatment and they will die fast enough.— dark.* -“Oh, no,” be said, “I go in great years—but I’ll do my best.”—Merchant Trav 3maha World. . piles of dark I”—Children at Home. eler. _____________ 4 American Tourist—Impressive* Ain't it, though ? What ido you s’pose I could hire the front and sides.for to show our tonic?— Ufa ( The Very Horse He Wanted. Stranger—Are you the superintendent of the street car line? “Yes, sir.” “I would 4ike to sell you a horse.” “Is it a good, lively oneF “It was used fora hearse horse fora year.” “Send it up at once and state your price.” —Lincoln Journal. ■4 ; - (as everything comes up stand- gedding booty gareless mit deir Blown, ain’d id?—Life. YOUNG FOLKS' CHATTER. He Was No Hone. She—John, don’t you think the horse npeds % new harness? 8mitb has an elegant one for WO. He—Sixty dollars for a new harness! Why, I don’t spend to exceed $35 for a whole new raiV ’ She—Yes, I know, John; but you’re no horse.—Life. -------- A Lightsome Heart. “Children,” said a Now Jersey school teacher, “always be cheerful. Whatever falls io your lot to do, do it cheerfully.” “Yes, indeed,1 dear teacher,” responded a bright little Rahway scholar, “even the ikoeters sing when they are at work.”—New York Sun. Not Built That Way. An OR City boy of 12 gets up in his sleep ind plays the piano. We never hear of a 12- year-old boy getting up in his sleep and cut ting wood, or doing some other useful work. As thé old Greek philosopher says, “He isn’t constructed on that model.”—Exchange. l Not for Musicians. The law allowing three days’ grace on a note does not apply to musicians; they must take up the notes at sight as they come due, or the whole will go protest.—Dansville Breeze. A Repilsr Boy. He was not at all particular To keep the perpendicular; While walking be either skipped or Jumped; He stood upon his bead awhile. And. when he went to bed awhile. He dove among the pillows, winch be thumped. Trouble with Neckwear. “Well, Bob, what do you look so mad aboutF “Oh, I’ve been tussling away for half an hour trying to fix on this necktie. . These new fangled fixings are enough to drive a* man’s reason from its throne.” “Don’t let that little thing worry you. A friend of mine had do much trouble with a necktie that he died.” “How was that?” “The sheriff adjusted the tie.”—Lincoln JoumaL Commercial Use» of Paper. - Summer Boarder—W hat’s that yellow stuff you are feeding the chickens? Farmer—That’s corn, mister. “What is this in this binF ^That’s wheat.” “Humph! What are these other thingsF “Rye, oats, barley—say, mister, what’s your business when at home in Chicago? ’ ■ “1 am a grain speculator.”—Omaha World. On the Beach. “I say. Jack, old man,” remarked the Yale sophomore, “deuced pretty girl, that one with you yesterday. Do me the honorF •“Why, of course. But see here, she’s Miss Concord, of Boston—goes in heavy for phi losophy and that sort of thing. Rather steep for you, ehF “Oh, no, tbat’saJI right We’ll getmjpng. I’ve got a lot of bully .gags on Plato and Aristotle and those old duffers.”—Life. Wasn't Growing Old Gracefully. He stuttered terribly, and one day he be gan to tell a story, prefacing it by saying that it was “im-m-merise.“ He kept at it a long while, but succeeded in getting only a little ways along in it, and at last a counsry rousin, from Wayback Center, rang the belL “W-w-what you r-r-r-ringing your d-d- darn’fed old b-b-b-bell f-for? I t-t-teU you this Fresh Buttermilk. s-s-st-story’s a b-b-brand n-n-n-n-new one!* (Near the Ferry Dock.»— Dealer—Here’s “Perhaps it was—when you began it,” re your nice, fresh buttermilk; a great, big, plied his tormentor.—Time. large glass only five cents. Customer—Is it really fresh? Gets Everything tn- the Lease. “Yes, mum, just milked two hours ago. Magistrate (to prisoner arrested for as- Had to put ice in it, to cool it.” Customer buys.—D«&>it(Free Press. sault)—You admit,'*' then, that you pulled your landlord’s nose? Prisoner-Yes. Two Good Things. Magistrate—Don’t you know you had no Proprietor—Have a good dinner, sir? . * right to do that? Guest—Can’t say 1 did; but you have two Prisoner—No, sir; if I had no right to pull things on that bill as fine as anywhere in the his noee be would have had it down in the United States. lease.-New Y^rk8un. Proprietor (flattered)—Ahl and they are? Guest—The salt and the ice water.—Tima. The Cashier Got In Ahead. • Missionary—Aren’t you sorry you broke Of 8 m* 11 Value. into the bank, my friend ? Husband (contemplatively)—How true it Convict— Betcher your life I am. Yer is, my dear, that the good that men do is oft don’t s’pose I’d a done it, does yer, ’f I’d interred with their bones. knowed de casheer'd had two hours the start Wife (not contemplatively)—Yes; I s’pose o’ me f—Judge. there’s so little of it that it isn’t considered worth saving —New York Sun. Paytn* Him Back. ’ ' A Noble “One good turh deserves another,” said the sleeping car porter as be turned over the “George,” she said, at the races, “what is mattress of the passenger who had feed him meant by a true lover of horse racing?” him liberally —Hotel Mail “A true lover of horse racing,” explained George, “is the man who can catch a ten to one chance.”—New York Sun. > 8ixe of * 8 mail Boy. gave Ilia small eon a «S tot be could buy a hat and a Aand spend the rest in fire toy got a 35 cent pair of shoes^ *nd had 14.50 worth of fliw5 telphia CalL Well InlormeU. “I know my defects,” said B-Jenkins pomp ously; and as the bystanders looked at him admiringly, one of them whispered to an other softly: “What an awful lot that man must know.” —Somerville Journal. to the Time*. ins who went on the war path overtaken by four white men “ feared that our government the unfortunate lndiaps unproved rifles.—Norristown Practice Make« Perfect. Miss Clara lat the sea «bore»—How grace fully young Mr. De Lyle handles the rib bons when driving, doesn’t he? r Miss Jennie^-He ought to, my dear; be has charge of that department at Silk $C Satin’s, $ “Birdie.” whispered a happy young Chi cago lover, “now that we are engaged you mustn’t call me Mr. Porcine any more.” “Ab. n<?. darling,” responded the girl,with a sigh and a sniggle, “you must always call me ‘Birdie' and ( will always call you ‘Butch.’"—New York Sun. • Popular with Everybody. “Mr. Sci-apem.” «aid the bostem to an ama teur violintat at an evening gathering, “you play the violin, do yon not!" “Yeo—after a fashion, you know," waa the modest reply “How nice!“ murmured half the company. “Did you bring your violin with youl- “No. I did not“ "7 “How nicer murmured tha half of tba company in fervent unison.—Merchant Trar- afcr. He Wanted Peaoo. Wife—Where have you been. Oeorgaf Husband—i wm over to Quimby’s awhile, t tell you 1 never eaw such a household. They quarrel like cata and doga 1 am too fond of peace to lead each a life 1« rapper ready I “Not quite.” “Then why ini, thunder isn’t itl How long done it take you to «tew up a little bash, any bowl You’re «lower than a clock that won’t run.”—Lincoln Journal. I