HOOD RIVER OLAOIER tnURflDAT JAKtTAltY 30 IC01
C. Q. D. MAN'S
DDIMGS
Tells a Story of Misfortunes and
Human Ingratitude.
MEETS A CATOSH YOUNG MAN
Turn Rather a Lucky Acquaintance
for the Dilapidated Gentleman,
Ha Earna Seme Easy Monty In
Game of Bluff.
Oopyiif ht, 1907. by Homar Spraaue.) .
They call me the C. O. D. man be
cause lt'a always cash on delivery with
me that Is, I deliver my tale of nils
fortune and expect the cash to follow.
Tlila eaves time and bookkeeping and
office rent, and your cash register
Hliowa yon what yon have on hand at
nny minute. I never crowd myself la
among gentlemen unless strongly
urged, and I never affiliate with other
trnmps when I can find a atraw stack
tor myself. Not that I think I'm
worse than any other gentleman or
Tapped him one, two, thbk, liobtlt
on thi chin.
better than any other tramp, but 1
am somewhat conservative by nature.
It la only when I am collared by the
police that I look haughty and fan
back upon my Knickerbocker ancestry
and my blue blood, and If I get thirty
In the cooler I take It out ia a dlgnl
. fled fashion "Instead of making a
squeal.
I was banging about rblladelpbla a
few weeks ago to study the graft sys
tem and make more or less a success
of my C O. D. Invention when . one
evening as I was strolling about I
meets up with a catoab young man. I
could tell that he belonged to the
swagger set while he was yet a block
away. lie bad the proper air and his
hat on the back of his head. I sized
him up for a young man with a rich
papa, a doting mother and a month
tor quail on toast and dry champagne.
In doing business with the public 1
nave a little story to relate. The story
is accompanied by proper air of
hope lost forever, and It includes thir
teen separate and distinct misfortunes
and a chunk of human Ingratitude as
big as a bouse. A very few persons
hear the story and swear. The great
majority either preserve a respectful
alienee and tender me a nickel at its
. conclusion or weep copiously and ten
der me advice about getting too near
the cage of the Bengal tiger when yIb
ltlug the zoo. I might not have tackled
the catosh young man but for his per
turbed look. . I saw that there bad been
an epoch of some sort in his rosy life,
and I struck an attitude and began
chapter 1 of my serial. I hadn't got
off ten lines when be Interrupted with;
"Stow it, cully., Where were yon
born!"
Born In the Lap of Luxury.
"In the lap of luxury," says I, "but
at the early age of ten a trust squeesed
my old man out of bis tannery and
threw me on a cold world."
"Whore's your palace carl"
"Switched off and left behind."
"And your valet?"
"Dropped dead the other day of heart
disease when I banded him a quarter,
and I'm afraid I can't fill his place."
"I should say your allowance wasnt
over $500 a month," he goes on as he
looks at the patches on my knees.
"It's a trifle under that just at pres
ent," Bays I, "but I'm standing in with
a contractor to steal the curbstones on
ten different streets, and I may be
able to buy a third aato a month
hence."
"Look here, cully," says the catosh
young man as he drops his banter and
grows serious and breathes champagne
all over the block, "I think I know a
dilapidated gentleman when I see one."
"D. Q. (dilapidated gentleman) hits
me to a dot some dilapidation, some
gentleman. The two make a fair com
bine. Go abend'
"And you've got bleeps?"
"Feel and soe. Reaching out for
nickels for the last fifteen years has
given me the muscles of a Sandow.
Beaching is the best thing in the world
for shoulder exercise, even if you don't
get anything."'
"And being a dilapidated gentleman
with biceps you ought to know how to
put up your dukes?"
In reply I put 'em up and tapped hhu
one, two, three, lightly on the coin,
but at the be me time kept an eye on
a policeman across the street.
"Bewtlful," says the cutneh young
man as I drops my hands. "I belong
tx a 8. 8. S. (swagger swell set) club
down here, and a galoot with a lisp in
hi ; mouth and not brains enough in
hi i head to fill a thimble smashed me
I.i ths nose with the gloves half an
hour ago and will crow over it for a
wih'Ic I want revenge, but I tloat
take to the gloves somehow. I cant
cot the swing of 'em. If yonll come
down and knock that ninny's eye
brows off Til cough np a V. I can
run you in all right, and I want yon
to soak him. You needn't quite kill
lilra, but Jar bis teeth out at least"
"It's five to soak the chap with the
lisp," says I after thinking the tiling
over, "but how much to bluff the
whole club down into their boots?"
"Can you do It, man-can you do it
for surer be eagerly exclaimed as a
beautiful smile came to, his phis.
"I think I can. At least I am willing
wto irs." .
"Lord.", if yon only could if yoa
) only coald! There's ' a dozen husky
scrappers there tonight, and if yon
bluff 'em it's fifteen plunks in your in
side pocket."
Given Five en Account,
lie gave me five en account and took
ine down and dodged me Into tbs
dressing room of the club. He was
thuckllng with anticipation, and as be
reeined to be a square young man I
determined to do my best for him.
When I was ready to go before the
audience he introduced me as - bS
cousin and asked them to go light on
me on account of my lungs being af
fected. I bad on a pair of eyeglasses,
with my long balr bruabed back over
my marble ears, and all took me for a
professor. They picked out the cham
pion scrapper of the club to wallop
me, and when be gets into the ring he
sayT
"Excuse me. professor, but you've
got yoor glasses on."
"Of course," says I.
"But that ain't regular. If I smash
your glasses I may ruin your eyes for
ever." "I'm nigh sighted and always boi
with my winkers on. Yon go right
ahead and ruin my eyes forever and I
shan't make any kick."
"I'll be banged If I do," says he after
looking me over for a minute, and be
crawls under the ropes and gets out.
Then they got in another chap, but
lie bad only drawn one glove on when
he looks over at me and sees me read
ing the evening paper as I sits cross
legged In my corner, and a panic take;
him, and he calls out:
"Not any for Joel I kuows a tidal
wave when I sees It, and I don't
hanker after six months In the hospi
tal!" Then the catosh young man who had
picked m np offers $-), $30 and as
high as $30 to anybody to stand before
me for three rounds, but the fellow
shook their beads and said they would
wait for something easy.. It was the
eyeglasses, you see a regular Ice cold
bluff and they swallowed it down and
had goose flesh all over 'em.
"Being this crowd don't seem to
rant anything in particular of my
Cousin Sam," says yonng catosh after
awhile, "and being my Cousin 8am has
three or four Important engagements
on hand, I will withdraw him till some
of you think you can box a bit."
And as I was resuming my apparel
be slips mo the ten' other plunks and
pats me on the back and says:
"D. O. (dilapidated gentleman). If I
wasn't my papa's favorite' son and my
mamma's joy I'd hitch up with you,
and we'd travel together aud bluff the
whole United States and have barrels
of fun. As it is, I'm stuck here and
have got to play the blue blooded game
out Take your sugar end go forth
with my blessing hitched behind you,
and may yon find straw stacks at ev
ery crossroad and turnips at every
mile." M. QUAD.
The Paper Told the Tale.
A certain Greek adventurer some
years ago undertook to pulin off upon
the public some false copies of the
gospel manuscripts. Many learned men
were deceived, but not Dr. Coxo, libra
rian of the Bodlelau library at Oxford.
How he detected the fraud was related
In his own words In the Spectator:
I never really opened the book, bnt
I held it In my haud and took one page
of It between my finger and thumb
while I llsteued to the rascal's account
of how he found this most Interesting
antiquity At the end of three or four
minutes I handed It back to him with
the short comment "Nineteenth cen
tury paper, my dear Kir." and he took
it away In a hurry and did not come
again. Yes, I was pleased, but I have
handled several ancient manuscripts
in my time, and I know the feel of old
paper.
He Wouldn't Die.
'Top" Ashhy kept a hotel, and a fair
ly good one too. When he was grow
ing old Pop married a handsome young
Norwegian girl who had been working
for him as a chambermaid, and she
made a very useful and devoted wife
for him. Iter efforts to learn vernacu
lar English were faithful and almost
frantic, but she couldn't learn It. Her
most strenuous efforts at pronuncia
tion were pathetic and yet laughable.
At last Pop became 111, and the phy
sician said that he could not recover
in fact, that he might die within an
hour or two. The old man commis
sioned bis wife to find his brother by
telephone and tell him that he must
see him about a business matter be
fore death claimed him. The faithful
wife sought dillgeutly for on hour, run
ning back to the bedside to report to
the old man, whom she loved, and then
going again to the phone. At last she
found htm and gave her message thus:
. "Pop Is dying. He won't die till yoa
comes, so please hurry." Los Angeles
Times.
He Could Not Cry.
When a certain eastern state county
truntt was about to open Its session re
ceutly the discovery was made that
the court crier was absent A substi
tute was provhlod. and the court had
barely tukeu up a case when a breath
less messenger boy dashed In with a
telegram signed by the absent crier.
The missive was bunded to the judge,
who read:
"Wife's mother died last night. Will
not be able to cry todai''-Brookrya
Life. w
I
OLD FOLKS
JtapOCleuIJ nSK'U rnmrr vciuuj
BkAtiem on of tlicir I nood U to
I u I- l A ..hi... ti.uil it. f.i
Let " NATURE'S REMEDY" Be Your Doctor.
I Tako a sables now nd thorn H will kp your .rstora In nch rood
conditio )' diioatri cannot take hoM. Every bus is guarautood to
(toe alifactlon. or tha purthasa price refunded.
Better Than Pills For LiverfUs
GET A 25& BOX. n
V
Chas. N. Clarke, Hood jRlyer, Oregon
The Secret of a
Eeautiful Face
lie in keeping the skin pro
tected as well as cleansed, Just
washing it not enough -that
only leaves the delicate surface
more exposed to the irritation
of dust and germs j to merci
less attacks of tun and
weather. After washing, ap
ply Rohertine and experience
its delightful refreshment.
You will admire the line-leu
softness it imparts to face,
nerk and armi. It not only
stimulates a radiant glow, but
protect:, the skin from becom
ing coarse. lr vents burn
ing, tan and frjrldes.
XiiM" Drmtft firm
9 A'
Can you nlT ' i 'rill -villi i-r.
oua a matter h '.ml i ,,. r
cough, when (or :i ii i II h :'ininr von
can secure a imttli-'of ''Hickory I'-ark
Congh Remedy," tlml lit i'ia'Hiiteeil to
cure or money rcfuidiert. I'ru-e '25'; 6)c
and $1.00 per t-.t e I-. F.. . ty Cha.
N. Clarke n I - ..-ivwlicrH..
THE OLD MAN'S CHRISTMAS
PRESENTS.
The eld man had six daughters (we
wui hie hired hands,
An' we wuz six, en' ill the year we
plowed an' hoed his lands),
An' every tingle gal o' them wuz purty
aa a peecS.
(An', bain' eix an' six, we said,
"Thar's one apiece for eachl")
But how could any folka like us that
walked the cotton row
An' made en' marked the iinlorts an'
coaxed the corn ter grow
Think that he'd let a gal o' hit coma
eteppin' down so fer
To hear a poor chap askin' fer the hand
an' heart o' her?
An1
eo we jest said nuthin', but kep
a-feelin' blue
thinkin' till it 'peered ter ue the
gale wuz thinkin' tool
oometimet when they'd walk our
An1
An'
way, though nuthin' much wui
said,
They'd - emile the eweetest kind o'
emiles n' blush a rocy rid.
AN' THAH THK OAL8 WCZ IN A now.
But ttill we kep' our distance till in
the fields and dells ,
The Christmas horns wuz blowin' an'
we heard the Christmas bells,
An' then the old man says ter us:
"Come inl It's Christmas day,
An' I've got eome purty prosenta that
. I'm going ter give away."
An' thar the ga.t wuz in a row
a-blushin' loft an' right,
The old man in the center, an' six o' us
in sightl
An we knowed jest what wur. comin'
an' we knowed 'twuz comin' quick,
Fer the old man eays: "It's Christmas,
boys. Whirl in an' take yer pick!"
Well, I took sweet Miss Liza, an' John
took Mandy Jane,
An' Jim said he'd take Laura fer this
world's shine or rain,
An' so on till wo'd been supplied, then
said i "We're 'bleoged ter you.
But, with all yer daughters give away,
what air you goin' ter do 7"
An' than the old man winked at me an'
whispered mighty low:
"As fer the gals, 'twuz gittin' time for
all o' them ter gol
I've jest been waitin' on you boys the
weddin' word ter say.
I'm a-goin' tor marry a widder, an' I
wants 'em out the wayl"
Atlanta Constitution.
Feast to 1,400 Newsboys.
At the forty-sixth annual dinner of
the Newsboys' Lodging House, 14 New
Chambers street. New York city, 1,400
newsboys and their guests were serv
ed with Christmas turkey. The ban
quet was given by Wllllnm M. Flelss.
following on observance by his father,
who entertained the newsboys each
Christmas for forty-thrcj years.
ataoss,!
nw sums; i ntru iv fv no mo iiuou-
keep their 6w:nsV'h, Liver, Kidney
fthr tvtinirfh ati.il vkkii (t ultrna.
Stanley-Smith
t 1 , .
Wholesale
4
l - .
CUMBER
Lath, vShinaies, Etc
Lumber cljycrd . to
fen
SNOW & UPSON-
Blacksmiths and . Wagptt fHik ers
1" X CPERT EOKSESHOERa '
WVhiivtf ;i UujUc ii-L-Uute liicjiineiy and exjwt work
. .i.uHi'aliJl are prepared dtrall classes of
NEW WORK & GEN ERAL REPAIRS
. It Does The Business '
Mr. E. K. liamherlaiq, of Clinton,
Maine, ey of Bui klen'a Arnica Balw
"It dues tin! lu-lners; 1 have used it
for Jiilfh anil il ciiml thm. UM-d it
fur ehiijhped Iih'(Ih aim It cured .lheiii.
Applied it 1o uii old sore nnd it healed
it without leaving a H'ar I eiilnd." . r,r1'
lit Clias. N. Chirke's drug Bturr. -
The Genuine Rug.
The Imitation- are so clever that It la
well to know v, Ucn one is purchasing
a genuine oriental rug. If real and not
an Imitation, each stitch will be found
knotted, whether of cotton or wool.
But If one can pull out a stitch then
the rug Is not genuine, no difference
bow much It may . resemble one or
what the dealer says. If a rug Is acci
dentally burned and the charred part
Is brushed off, leaving the color tha
same, the rag Is undeniably good,
though this is no .method for finding
out when one. is making a purchase.
Even damaged rugs are brought here
and sold, for tU older some of tbs
rugs ate the more value Is attached to
them.
1
,i i i
ureii iiiiiiiivk;ii ' i,
A. B. CaiMiie n, Chicago, Wrl'e March
f, litt. '''H.iViiljknben troublwi wnii
l.irrnl'?, ftfl tiiuex uml triyl
one I'liy-iciiiii nller anotiier, then d iti-l-ciit
i'.tmi pie m il liniment, gitve it up
altoj.'" thc r. K 1 tried once more, and
pot h bit tie of linllards Snow Liniment,
uhlcliguw me dlnioet instant relief. I
can i Ih eifuily recommend it, and 'will
mid iny imiiwto .your, list of enhVr. i.
S,.ld l.y Clias. N, Cjarke.
-The Blood Js The Wo." ,
Science has never gone beyond tha
above simple, statement of scripture, Bnt
It has illuminated 'that statement and
given It a meaning f vor broadening with
the Increasing breudth of knowledge.
Whca the. blood s "bad" or Impure It
is . nut alono the body which suffers
through disease. ', Tho , brain Is also
clouded, mind, and Judgement araU'ass
eocciea, anuTsany an evil deed or impure ' -
tboWitEiMlireetly traced to the -pra
ImpWyof the Sfaod Fgul, Impure hlpoj H-pjoaaaj 0atql-1.'W9ii navop so
PaUBUnatVi Pre.ift tlm (if to'jomtu etPj s jsnf pna XWDUb
..WJtW WimMm thl hlW?l thereby Jan tV t inoo t
curing, pimples, blotches, eruptions and W 11,1 9 1
other cutuneous affoctions, as eczema, ' nw, ''W
totter, or salt-rheum, hives and other 4 "nl J0n " WWW I jwsta m
manifostationa of impure blood. 1 I '"Ft J ltf U JV1 !
(a) A
In the euro of scrofulous swellings, en
larBod glamls.'opch eating ulcers, or old
totes, tho "Golden Medical Discovery "has
performed the most marvelous cures. In
cases of old soit'S, or open eating ulcers,
It Is well to applf to tho open sores Dr.
Tierce's All-Healing Salve, which. pos
sesses wonderful healing potency when
used as an application to the sores In con
junction with the use of "Golden Medical
Dlscoverv "as a hlrmd i-lnnnslna i-ontt.
tutlonal treatment. If your druggist
don't happen to have the All-neallng
fcaiver mtock, you can easily procure it
by IncloBln? fifty-four cents In postage
stamps to Dr. R. V: Pierce, 663 Main St.,
Buffalo, K. V., nnd4t will eome to you by
return poitt Vow druggists keep It as
well is ths "Golden Medical Discovery."
You can't afford to accept any medicine
of u-nhnnu n cuinfxMion as a substitute
for 'Golden Medical Discovery," which Is
a mediclno of kjtowk composition,
having a complete list of Ingredients In
plain English on Its bottle-wrapper, tha
same btijni? attested as correct Under oath.
Dr. Plerca's Pleasant Pellets rgnlate
and Invigorate stomach, liver and bowels.
ITT" ".'V " " T !
. v m iii w11 1 ii aiiPii it'scji iS"
I Polytechnic
BUSINESS COLLEGE
II n ifOH Sty. Oakland, Cal.
line Cupit.il Stck ' 1100,000.00
(lnn Hiuln". Training School of the
Weal. . over lew tutiuta allendlng tlila
Vfar KlneM Knllitlnii and equlpmenl In
llir H KNUonRl rrpnlatlon for blah
srv'.f wnrk, lndtrM by Onkland Chum-
or ,r t oniiiit'ire nnd Iratliiig etlncalora
'lirniiirlmtu the Wwt. Home Inflnenne
I tn.l I'liiimte. Terms low. Poeltloix for
nil triulimifK
Conrplrt cnuraes ' hi Business Training,
Miorl hcirj, Typcwritlna, Banklnf, alae Clv
II, l lfctrical, Mining and Mechanical Bna
nccrlni. Conducts . .
Special School of Telegraphy
for the Southern Pacific Railroad Co., and
p; parta orcraturs tor PeslthMis. S60 te HB
per month. ,
Lumbe Cj;
and Retail
Any Part of the Valley
His Way. '
Yeast Does be stop to think before
be speaks
Crlmsonbeuk-Well, if bis wife bap
pens to be around he stops and thinks
about half a day before ba gets a
chancel Yonkers Statesman.
A Sever Test.
"They say De Peyster loves his wife
devotedly."
"Love her! Well, he smokes all tbs
cigars she gives hlin for a Christmas
present rather than hurt ber feelings."
Baltimore American.
Simple Cure fur La fi'rlppe.
La griippe couyim are dangerous ss
they livuiifiilly develop into pneuinn
nia. Foley's Howy and Tar not only
stops the cough nt heals and strength
ens the lungs so that mi serious results
need I feared. Th- wuume Foley's
Honey A. Tar (niuin no htrtriful
drugs Mini is in a ,l..w package, l.u
fuoe enli-li ii t-. Ciurkt- lrug Co,
He I have IimI now tl.uk epl ;Ades
la my ll.v ,
She Were all the girls who re it led
you brunpttes?-l'.altluiore American.
A Man's Idea of Course.
""! you 'think- women really taflr
Bore than men?" '
"No; they merely us I more words,"
flttsburg Pest.
It In very important un! in fact it is
aboluie1y necessary to health that we
give relief to the stomach promptly at
the first signn of trouble--: which are
belching ol 'na, nauHt-a, Kiur stomach,
luntlaehe, irritability and iifrvnuif.
These srt WHinii'iiH il,t tlesiomuch
him Inn i miulriHtetl ; it i doing too
uiuHi oik imil it in ileiiiumling help
fiom vi. 'lake Hoinethiog inii and a
ivhiln: em ifiallv after meal; .omotiiina
like KDI'OI. Ki r Dyiifpiii ,m Iudi
gc.olioii It il enable your m mi neb to
tlo itH n. ik ii:o erlv. Ho, br K' ir &
! -1AV W VW Mw)uans uoi. pflr
eje Swiss ei
Rank FooluTiuein
"When iitiuci ed by s cough r a cold,
or when your tmoalls sore, it is rank
foolislinens to i.ota any other medicine
than Dr. King's ew Discovery,'.' says
C. O. Eldriiie, of Empire, Ua. "1 have
used New Discovery seven years and I
know it is the best ieineMy on earth for
conges and co'do, ciuii and all 'throat
an4 un troubltu. My children are sub-
jeci wcrou... "ui-New in overy quickly
ie. t i at inck." Known the world
over an tlil' King of throat and lung
e nit-men. eoiti untie r guarantee at
Chaa. N. Clarkti'a mug rtore. 60c and
1 UU. 1 rial DOU.e free. ;
Not Her Fault
Tom The average woman seems to
lead an aimless life.
Jack Well, It's her misfortune rath
er than her fault that she Is unable to
throw straight Detroit Tribune.
Itev. Carlisle F. B. Martin, 1. 1 D.
(i ' waverly, Texas, writes: "Of a
morning, when rising, I often find a
i ioii''e.oni collection of phlegm which
.u.i.icr. a cough and is very hard to
ili-loilite; but a small quantity of Hal
t.irT llorjhound Syrup will at once
li-lotie it, and the trouble is over. I
know of no medicine that is equal to it,
aud it is so pleasentto tske. 1 can most
cordially recommend it to all Dersons
needing a medicine (or throat or lung
I trouble." Sold by Chas. N. Clarke,
A Fieh 8cal.
a aB- Xl 111 J Jsaal
Bohemian.
. . FREDl-RICK ARNOLD, .
CONTRACTORS
- and BUILDERS
sleerBnilahed M all aladeW vsk
Phones: e-ftfr-
i kingoiit winter millinery at low
nrii-es. The Basaar, Hood River
llfigbls.'
Hunts Paint & Wall Paper
Company
Muve addid H cui'..l. ti. w of PAINTS, OILS. VAKNISJI
ES and BUUSHES.
HEATH & MILLiGAN MIXED PAINTS.
Our stock of p;iMT iiR-liidfK I.i tst design in I'.laiikH, (Jilt.-
and high Gnuij. From 10- up. A full mKh-U of room
molding, Picture rail, Phitn rail nnd a wn.-ill lino of
noveltieri iu Framed Pictures. V, LCI MO, the
latest thing in room tinting, mixed to order.
y . Painting, Paper hanging, Sign wor k etv
!Mioue671. Firt nndn.ik titnwti.
Square Deal Store
"Honest Goods and Sqaure
... Deal for Every Han" . .
IS MY MOTTO
The: Ideal Weeder
Is what its name implies, a Genuine Weed Killer
ana tne nearest to perfection of any orchard
tool yet introduced in Hood River Vallev. Try
one and be convinced.
teed or no sale. ; -
Osborn Spring Peg-Tooth Harrows
Acma Harrows
Plowsand Xul t i vat or
Potato Diggers
Wagons Hacks aud Buggies
Flour. Feed, and a Full line of Groceries at all Tims
Car Load Stumping Powder just received
Yourw for Business
Phone 741 D. M'DONALD
3rd a.nd River trt. . . . Hood River, Ore
jOreon Lumber Company!
ORDERS FOR
Lumber, Lath, Shingles
Piling, Cedar Posts
and Poles
SOLICITED
Can also furnish Slab Wood f 2.50 per cord, f o. b.
Hood River
Citt Offici : Pbons Main 51 Mill Office : Phone Dee Line
J
H
-DEALER IN
Staple and
AND HARDWARE.
i SOLE AGENTS FOR
Majestic & Mesaba Ranges
and Stiletto Cutlery.
HOOD RI,V Kit HEIGHTS, - . OREGON.
..Livery, Feed
Ilofi-s
A"
Ph. G. YOUNG
Dealer In
Fresh and Cured Meats
Lard. Poultry and Fish
HOOD RIVER, ORE.
Phone Main 471 Free Delivery
Satisfaction Guaran
Fancy Groceries
and Draying..
TRANAHAN & KATHBUN
Hood River, Ore.
b-'ijflit. file I or exchanged.
t'leHBBre partie- vmii secure tit-clas riifs. -SP
''! attention given to moving furnitiirv an
jia:)o
.Ve ih evervlhti jr hor-HH ran ilo.