HOOD RIVER OLAOIER tnURflDAT JAKtTAltY 30 IC01 C. Q. D. MAN'S DDIMGS Tells a Story of Misfortunes and Human Ingratitude. MEETS A CATOSH YOUNG MAN Turn Rather a Lucky Acquaintance for the Dilapidated Gentleman, Ha Earna Seme Easy Monty In Game of Bluff. Oopyiif ht, 1907. by Homar Spraaue.) . They call me the C. O. D. man be cause lt'a always cash on delivery with me that Is, I deliver my tale of nils fortune and expect the cash to follow. Tlila eaves time and bookkeeping and office rent, and your cash register Hliowa yon what yon have on hand at nny minute. I never crowd myself la among gentlemen unless strongly urged, and I never affiliate with other trnmps when I can find a atraw stack tor myself. Not that I think I'm worse than any other gentleman or Tapped him one, two, thbk, liobtlt on thi chin. better than any other tramp, but 1 am somewhat conservative by nature. It la only when I am collared by the police that I look haughty and fan back upon my Knickerbocker ancestry and my blue blood, and If I get thirty In the cooler I take It out ia a dlgnl . fled fashion "Instead of making a squeal. I was banging about rblladelpbla a few weeks ago to study the graft sys tem and make more or less a success of my C O. D. Invention when . one evening as I was strolling about I meets up with a catoab young man. I could tell that he belonged to the swagger set while he was yet a block away. lie bad the proper air and his hat on the back of his head. I sized him up for a young man with a rich papa, a doting mother and a month tor quail on toast and dry champagne. In doing business with the public 1 nave a little story to relate. The story is accompanied by proper air of hope lost forever, and It includes thir teen separate and distinct misfortunes and a chunk of human Ingratitude as big as a bouse. A very few persons hear the story and swear. The great majority either preserve a respectful alienee and tender me a nickel at its . conclusion or weep copiously and ten der me advice about getting too near the cage of the Bengal tiger when yIb ltlug the zoo. I might not have tackled the catosh young man but for his per turbed look. . I saw that there bad been an epoch of some sort in his rosy life, and I struck an attitude and began chapter 1 of my serial. I hadn't got off ten lines when be Interrupted with; "Stow it, cully., Where were yon born!" Born In the Lap of Luxury. "In the lap of luxury," says I, "but at the early age of ten a trust squeesed my old man out of bis tannery and threw me on a cold world." "Whore's your palace carl" "Switched off and left behind." "And your valet?" "Dropped dead the other day of heart disease when I banded him a quarter, and I'm afraid I can't fill his place." "I should say your allowance wasnt over $500 a month," he goes on as he looks at the patches on my knees. "It's a trifle under that just at pres ent," Bays I, "but I'm standing in with a contractor to steal the curbstones on ten different streets, and I may be able to buy a third aato a month hence." "Look here, cully," says the catosh young man as he drops his banter and grows serious and breathes champagne all over the block, "I think I know a dilapidated gentleman when I see one." "D. Q. (dilapidated gentleman) hits me to a dot some dilapidation, some gentleman. The two make a fair com bine. Go abend' "And you've got bleeps?" "Feel and soe. Reaching out for nickels for the last fifteen years has given me the muscles of a Sandow. Beaching is the best thing in the world for shoulder exercise, even if you don't get anything."' "And being a dilapidated gentleman with biceps you ought to know how to put up your dukes?" In reply I put 'em up and tapped hhu one, two, three, lightly on the coin, but at the be me time kept an eye on a policeman across the street. "Bewtlful," says the cutneh young man as I drops my hands. "I belong tx a 8. 8. S. (swagger swell set) club down here, and a galoot with a lisp in hi ; mouth and not brains enough in hi i head to fill a thimble smashed me I.i ths nose with the gloves half an hour ago and will crow over it for a wih'Ic I want revenge, but I tloat take to the gloves somehow. I cant cot the swing of 'em. If yonll come down and knock that ninny's eye brows off Til cough np a V. I can run you in all right, and I want yon to soak him. You needn't quite kill lilra, but Jar bis teeth out at least" "It's five to soak the chap with the lisp," says I after thinking the tiling over, "but how much to bluff the whole club down into their boots?" "Can you do It, man-can you do it for surer be eagerly exclaimed as a beautiful smile came to, his phis. "I think I can. At least I am willing wto irs." . "Lord.", if yon only could if yoa ) only coald! There's ' a dozen husky scrappers there tonight, and if yon bluff 'em it's fifteen plunks in your in side pocket." Given Five en Account, lie gave me five en account and took ine down and dodged me Into tbs dressing room of the club. He was thuckllng with anticipation, and as be reeined to be a square young man I determined to do my best for him. When I was ready to go before the audience he introduced me as - bS cousin and asked them to go light on me on account of my lungs being af fected. I bad on a pair of eyeglasses, with my long balr bruabed back over my marble ears, and all took me for a professor. They picked out the cham pion scrapper of the club to wallop me, and when be gets into the ring he sayT "Excuse me. professor, but you've got yoor glasses on." "Of course," says I. "But that ain't regular. If I smash your glasses I may ruin your eyes for ever." "I'm nigh sighted and always boi with my winkers on. Yon go right ahead and ruin my eyes forever and I shan't make any kick." "I'll be banged If I do," says he after looking me over for a minute, and be crawls under the ropes and gets out. Then they got in another chap, but lie bad only drawn one glove on when he looks over at me and sees me read ing the evening paper as I sits cross legged In my corner, and a panic take; him, and he calls out: "Not any for Joel I kuows a tidal wave when I sees It, and I don't hanker after six months In the hospi tal!" Then the catosh young man who had picked m np offers $-), $30 and as high as $30 to anybody to stand before me for three rounds, but the fellow shook their beads and said they would wait for something easy.. It was the eyeglasses, you see a regular Ice cold bluff and they swallowed it down and had goose flesh all over 'em. "Being this crowd don't seem to rant anything in particular of my Cousin Sam," says yonng catosh after awhile, "and being my Cousin 8am has three or four Important engagements on hand, I will withdraw him till some of you think you can box a bit." And as I was resuming my apparel be slips mo the ten' other plunks and pats me on the back and says: "D. O. (dilapidated gentleman). If I wasn't my papa's favorite' son and my mamma's joy I'd hitch up with you, and we'd travel together aud bluff the whole United States and have barrels of fun. As it is, I'm stuck here and have got to play the blue blooded game out Take your sugar end go forth with my blessing hitched behind you, and may yon find straw stacks at ev ery crossroad and turnips at every mile." M. QUAD. The Paper Told the Tale. A certain Greek adventurer some years ago undertook to pulin off upon the public some false copies of the gospel manuscripts. Many learned men were deceived, but not Dr. Coxo, libra rian of the Bodlelau library at Oxford. How he detected the fraud was related In his own words In the Spectator: I never really opened the book, bnt I held it In my haud and took one page of It between my finger and thumb while I llsteued to the rascal's account of how he found this most Interesting antiquity At the end of three or four minutes I handed It back to him with the short comment "Nineteenth cen tury paper, my dear Kir." and he took it away In a hurry and did not come again. Yes, I was pleased, but I have handled several ancient manuscripts in my time, and I know the feel of old paper. He Wouldn't Die. 'Top" Ashhy kept a hotel, and a fair ly good one too. When he was grow ing old Pop married a handsome young Norwegian girl who had been working for him as a chambermaid, and she made a very useful and devoted wife for him. Iter efforts to learn vernacu lar English were faithful and almost frantic, but she couldn't learn It. Her most strenuous efforts at pronuncia tion were pathetic and yet laughable. At last Pop became 111, and the phy sician said that he could not recover in fact, that he might die within an hour or two. The old man commis sioned bis wife to find his brother by telephone and tell him that he must see him about a business matter be fore death claimed him. The faithful wife sought dillgeutly for on hour, run ning back to the bedside to report to the old man, whom she loved, and then going again to the phone. At last she found htm and gave her message thus: . "Pop Is dying. He won't die till yoa comes, so please hurry." Los Angeles Times. He Could Not Cry. When a certain eastern state county truntt was about to open Its session re ceutly the discovery was made that the court crier was absent A substi tute was provhlod. and the court had barely tukeu up a case when a breath less messenger boy dashed In with a telegram signed by the absent crier. The missive was bunded to the judge, who read: "Wife's mother died last night. Will not be able to cry todai''-Brookrya Life. w I OLD FOLKS JtapOCleuIJ nSK'U rnmrr vciuuj BkAtiem on of tlicir I nood U to I u I- l A ..hi... ti.uil it. f.i Let " NATURE'S REMEDY" Be Your Doctor. I Tako a sables now nd thorn H will kp your .rstora In nch rood conditio )' diioatri cannot take hoM. Every bus is guarautood to (toe alifactlon. or tha purthasa price refunded. Better Than Pills For LiverfUs GET A 25& BOX. n V Chas. N. Clarke, Hood jRlyer, Oregon The Secret of a Eeautiful Face lie in keeping the skin pro tected as well as cleansed, Just washing it not enough -that only leaves the delicate surface more exposed to the irritation of dust and germs j to merci less attacks of tun and weather. After washing, ap ply Rohertine and experience its delightful refreshment. You will admire the line-leu softness it imparts to face, nerk and armi. It not only stimulates a radiant glow, but protect:, the skin from becom ing coarse. lr vents burn ing, tan and frjrldes. XiiM" Drmtft firm 9 A' Can you nlT ' i 'rill -villi i-r. oua a matter h '.ml i ,,. r cough, when (or :i ii i II h :'ininr von can secure a imttli-'of ''Hickory I'-ark Congh Remedy," tlml lit i'ia'Hiiteeil to cure or money rcfuidiert. I'ru-e '25'; 6)c and $1.00 per t-.t e I-. F.. . ty Cha. N. Clarke n I - ..-ivwlicrH.. THE OLD MAN'S CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. The eld man had six daughters (we wui hie hired hands, An' we wuz six, en' ill the year we plowed an' hoed his lands), An' every tingle gal o' them wuz purty aa a peecS. (An', bain' eix an' six, we said, "Thar's one apiece for eachl") But how could any folka like us that walked the cotton row An' made en' marked the iinlorts an' coaxed the corn ter grow Think that he'd let a gal o' hit coma eteppin' down so fer To hear a poor chap askin' fer the hand an' heart o' her? An1 eo we jest said nuthin', but kep a-feelin' blue thinkin' till it 'peered ter ue the gale wuz thinkin' tool oometimet when they'd walk our An1 An' way, though nuthin' much wui said, They'd - emile the eweetest kind o' emiles n' blush a rocy rid. AN' THAH THK OAL8 WCZ IN A now. But ttill we kep' our distance till in the fields and dells , The Christmas horns wuz blowin' an' we heard the Christmas bells, An' then the old man says ter us: "Come inl It's Christmas day, An' I've got eome purty prosenta that . I'm going ter give away." An' thar the ga.t wuz in a row a-blushin' loft an' right, The old man in the center, an' six o' us in sightl An we knowed jest what wur. comin' an' we knowed 'twuz comin' quick, Fer the old man eays: "It's Christmas, boys. Whirl in an' take yer pick!" Well, I took sweet Miss Liza, an' John took Mandy Jane, An' Jim said he'd take Laura fer this world's shine or rain, An' so on till wo'd been supplied, then said i "We're 'bleoged ter you. But, with all yer daughters give away, what air you goin' ter do 7" An' than the old man winked at me an' whispered mighty low: "As fer the gals, 'twuz gittin' time for all o' them ter gol I've jest been waitin' on you boys the weddin' word ter say. I'm a-goin' tor marry a widder, an' I wants 'em out the wayl" Atlanta Constitution. Feast to 1,400 Newsboys. At the forty-sixth annual dinner of the Newsboys' Lodging House, 14 New Chambers street. New York city, 1,400 newsboys and their guests were serv ed with Christmas turkey. The ban quet was given by Wllllnm M. Flelss. following on observance by his father, who entertained the newsboys each Christmas for forty-thrcj years. ataoss,! nw sums; i ntru iv fv no mo iiuou- keep their 6w:nsV'h, Liver, Kidney fthr tvtinirfh ati.il vkkii (t ultrna. Stanley-Smith t 1 , . Wholesale 4 l - . CUMBER Lath, vShinaies, Etc Lumber cljycrd . to fen SNOW & UPSON- Blacksmiths and . Wagptt fHik ers 1" X CPERT EOKSESHOERa ' WVhiivtf ;i UujUc ii-L-Uute liicjiineiy and exjwt work . .i.uHi'aliJl are prepared dtrall classes of NEW WORK & GEN ERAL REPAIRS . It Does The Business ' Mr. E. K. liamherlaiq, of Clinton, Maine, ey of Bui klen'a Arnica Balw "It dues tin! lu-lners; 1 have used it for Jiilfh anil il ciiml thm. UM-d it fur ehiijhped Iih'(Ih aim It cured .lheiii. Applied it 1o uii old sore nnd it healed it without leaving a H'ar I eiilnd." . r,r1' lit Clias. N. Chirke's drug Bturr. - The Genuine Rug. The Imitation- are so clever that It la well to know v, Ucn one is purchasing a genuine oriental rug. If real and not an Imitation, each stitch will be found knotted, whether of cotton or wool. But If one can pull out a stitch then the rug Is not genuine, no difference bow much It may . resemble one or what the dealer says. If a rug Is acci dentally burned and the charred part Is brushed off, leaving the color tha same, the rag Is undeniably good, though this is no .method for finding out when one. is making a purchase. Even damaged rugs are brought here and sold, for tU older some of tbs rugs ate the more value Is attached to them. 1 ,i i i ureii iiiiiiiivk;ii ' i, A. B. CaiMiie n, Chicago, Wrl'e March f, litt. '''H.iViiljknben troublwi wnii l.irrnl'?, ftfl tiiuex uml triyl one I'liy-iciiiii nller anotiier, then d iti-l-ciit i'.tmi pie m il liniment, gitve it up altoj.'" thc r. K 1 tried once more, and pot h bit tie of linllards Snow Liniment, uhlcliguw me dlnioet instant relief. I can i Ih eifuily recommend it, and 'will mid iny imiiwto .your, list of enhVr. i. S,.ld l.y Clias. N, Cjarke. -The Blood Js The Wo." , Science has never gone beyond tha above simple, statement of scripture, Bnt It has illuminated 'that statement and given It a meaning f vor broadening with the Increasing breudth of knowledge. Whca the. blood s "bad" or Impure It is . nut alono the body which suffers through disease. ', Tho , brain Is also clouded, mind, and Judgement araU'ass eocciea, anuTsany an evil deed or impure ' - tboWitEiMlireetly traced to the -pra ImpWyof the Sfaod Fgul, Impure hlpoj H-pjoaaaj 0atql-1.'W9ii navop so PaUBUnatVi Pre.ift tlm (if to'jomtu etPj s jsnf pna XWDUb ..WJtW WimMm thl hlW?l thereby Jan tV t inoo t curing, pimples, blotches, eruptions and W 11,1 9 1 other cutuneous affoctions, as eczema, ' nw, ''W totter, or salt-rheum, hives and other 4 "nl J0n " WWW I jwsta m manifostationa of impure blood. 1 I '"Ft J ltf U JV1 ! (a) A In the euro of scrofulous swellings, en larBod glamls.'opch eating ulcers, or old totes, tho "Golden Medical Discovery "has performed the most marvelous cures. In cases of old soit'S, or open eating ulcers, It Is well to applf to tho open sores Dr. Tierce's All-Healing Salve, which. pos sesses wonderful healing potency when used as an application to the sores In con junction with the use of "Golden Medical Dlscoverv "as a hlrmd i-lnnnslna i-ontt. tutlonal treatment. If your druggist don't happen to have the All-neallng fcaiver mtock, you can easily procure it by IncloBln? fifty-four cents In postage stamps to Dr. R. V: Pierce, 663 Main St., Buffalo, K. V., nnd4t will eome to you by return poitt Vow druggists keep It as well is ths "Golden Medical Discovery." You can't afford to accept any medicine of u-nhnnu n cuinfxMion as a substitute for 'Golden Medical Discovery," which Is a mediclno of kjtowk composition, having a complete list of Ingredients In plain English on Its bottle-wrapper, tha same btijni? attested as correct Under oath. Dr. Plerca's Pleasant Pellets rgnlate and Invigorate stomach, liver and bowels. ITT" ".'V " " T ! . v m iii w11 1 ii aiiPii it'scji iS" I Polytechnic BUSINESS COLLEGE II n ifOH Sty. Oakland, Cal. line Cupit.il Stck ' 1100,000.00 (lnn Hiuln". Training School of the Weal. . over lew tutiuta allendlng tlila Vfar KlneM Knllitlnii and equlpmenl In llir H KNUonRl rrpnlatlon for blah srv'.f wnrk, lndtrM by Onkland Chum- or ,r t oniiiit'ire nnd Iratliiig etlncalora 'lirniiirlmtu the Wwt. Home Inflnenne I tn.l I'liiimte. Terms low. Poeltloix for nil triulimifK Conrplrt cnuraes ' hi Business Training, Miorl hcirj, Typcwritlna, Banklnf, alae Clv II, l lfctrical, Mining and Mechanical Bna nccrlni. Conducts . . Special School of Telegraphy for the Southern Pacific Railroad Co., and p; parta orcraturs tor PeslthMis. S60 te HB per month. , Lumbe Cj; and Retail Any Part of the Valley His Way. ' Yeast Does be stop to think before be speaks Crlmsonbeuk-Well, if bis wife bap pens to be around he stops and thinks about half a day before ba gets a chancel Yonkers Statesman. A Sever Test. "They say De Peyster loves his wife devotedly." "Love her! Well, he smokes all tbs cigars she gives hlin for a Christmas present rather than hurt ber feelings." Baltimore American. Simple Cure fur La fi'rlppe. La griippe couyim are dangerous ss they livuiifiilly develop into pneuinn nia. Foley's Howy and Tar not only stops the cough nt heals and strength ens the lungs so that mi serious results need I feared. Th- wuume Foley's Honey A. Tar (niuin no htrtriful drugs Mini is in a ,l..w package, l.u fuoe enli-li ii t-. Ciurkt- lrug Co, He I have IimI now tl.uk epl ;Ades la my ll.v , She Were all the girls who re it led you brunpttes?-l'.altluiore American. A Man's Idea of Course. ""! you 'think- women really taflr Bore than men?" ' "No; they merely us I more words," flttsburg Pest. It In very important un! in fact it is aboluie1y necessary to health that we give relief to the stomach promptly at the first signn of trouble--: which are belching ol 'na, nauHt-a, Kiur stomach, luntlaehe, irritability and iifrvnuif. These srt WHinii'iiH il,t tlesiomuch him Inn i miulriHtetl ; it i doing too uiuHi oik imil it in ileiiiumling help fiom vi. 'lake Hoinethiog inii and a ivhiln: em ifiallv after meal; .omotiiina like KDI'OI. Ki r Dyiifpiii ,m Iudi gc.olioii It il enable your m mi neb to tlo itH n. ik ii:o erlv. Ho, br K' ir & ! -1AV W VW Mw)uans uoi. pflr eje Swiss ei Rank FooluTiuein "When iitiuci ed by s cough r a cold, or when your tmoalls sore, it is rank foolislinens to i.ota any other medicine than Dr. King's ew Discovery,'.' says C. O. Eldriiie, of Empire, Ua. "1 have used New Discovery seven years and I know it is the best ieineMy on earth for conges and co'do, ciuii and all 'throat an4 un troubltu. My children are sub- jeci wcrou... "ui-New in overy quickly ie. t i at inck." Known the world over an tlil' King of throat and lung e nit-men. eoiti untie r guarantee at Chaa. N. Clarkti'a mug rtore. 60c and 1 UU. 1 rial DOU.e free. ; Not Her Fault Tom The average woman seems to lead an aimless life. Jack Well, It's her misfortune rath er than her fault that she Is unable to throw straight Detroit Tribune. Itev. Carlisle F. B. Martin, 1. 1 D. (i ' waverly, Texas, writes: "Of a morning, when rising, I often find a i ioii''e.oni collection of phlegm which .u.i.icr. a cough and is very hard to ili-loilite; but a small quantity of Hal t.irT llorjhound Syrup will at once li-lotie it, and the trouble is over. I know of no medicine that is equal to it, aud it is so pleasentto tske. 1 can most cordially recommend it to all Dersons needing a medicine (or throat or lung I trouble." Sold by Chas. N. Clarke, A Fieh 8cal. a aB- Xl 111 J Jsaal Bohemian. . . FREDl-RICK ARNOLD, . CONTRACTORS - and BUILDERS sleerBnilahed M all aladeW vsk Phones: e-ftfr- i kingoiit winter millinery at low nrii-es. The Basaar, Hood River llfigbls.' Hunts Paint & Wall Paper Company Muve addid H cui'..l. ti. w of PAINTS, OILS. VAKNISJI ES and BUUSHES. HEATH & MILLiGAN MIXED PAINTS. Our stock of p;iMT iiR-liidfK I.i tst design in I'.laiikH, (Jilt.- and high Gnuij. From 10- up. A full mKh-U of room molding, Picture rail, Phitn rail nnd a wn.-ill lino of noveltieri iu Framed Pictures. V, LCI MO, the latest thing in room tinting, mixed to order. y . Painting, Paper hanging, Sign wor k etv !Mioue671. Firt nndn.ik titnwti. Square Deal Store "Honest Goods and Sqaure ... Deal for Every Han" . . IS MY MOTTO The: Ideal Weeder Is what its name implies, a Genuine Weed Killer ana tne nearest to perfection of any orchard tool yet introduced in Hood River Vallev. Try one and be convinced. teed or no sale. ; - Osborn Spring Peg-Tooth Harrows Acma Harrows Plowsand Xul t i vat or Potato Diggers Wagons Hacks aud Buggies Flour. Feed, and a Full line of Groceries at all Tims Car Load Stumping Powder just received Yourw for Business Phone 741 D. M'DONALD 3rd a.nd River trt. . . . Hood River, Ore jOreon Lumber Company! ORDERS FOR Lumber, Lath, Shingles Piling, Cedar Posts and Poles SOLICITED Can also furnish Slab Wood f 2.50 per cord, f o. b. Hood River Citt Offici : Pbons Main 51 Mill Office : Phone Dee Line J H -DEALER IN Staple and AND HARDWARE. i SOLE AGENTS FOR Majestic & Mesaba Ranges and Stiletto Cutlery. HOOD RI,V Kit HEIGHTS, - . OREGON. ..Livery, Feed Ilofi-s A" Ph. G. YOUNG Dealer In Fresh and Cured Meats Lard. Poultry and Fish HOOD RIVER, ORE. Phone Main 471 Free Delivery Satisfaction Guaran Fancy Groceries and Draying.. TRANAHAN & KATHBUN Hood River, Ore. b-'ijflit. file I or exchanged. t'leHBBre partie- vmii secure tit-clas riifs. -SP ''! attention given to moving furnitiirv an jia:)o .Ve ih evervlhti jr hor-HH ran ilo.