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About The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933 | View Entire Issue (May 17, 1901)
a FROM POORHOUSE BV MARY J. CHAPTER II.-Continued.) At lust Frank, pulling I ho old tlu Jacket from under his head and passing It to Mary, ssid: "Tslf it to Hill Bender he offered me a shilling for it, and a hilling will buy milk for Allfe mid crack er for mother take It." "No, Fruuky," answered Mury, "yon would hare no pillow; besides, I've got something more valuable, which I can ell. I've kept it long, but It must go to keep ur from starving" and all's held to view the golden locket which George Moreland had thrown around her neck. "You shan't sell that," said Frank. "You must keep it to remember George; tnd then, too, you may want It more some other time.'' Mary finnlly yielded the point, and gathering up the crumpled jacket started In quest of Billy Render, He was a kind-hearted boy, two years older than Frank, whom he" hud often befriended and shielded from the jeers of their com panion;). He did not want the Jacket, for It was a vast deal too small; and it was only In reply to a proposal from Frank that he should buy It that he Imd casual ly offered him a shilling. But now, when he saw the garment, and learned why it waa sent, he Immediately drew from his old leather wallet a quarter, all the money he had In the world, and giving It to Mary, bade her keep it, as she would need It all. Half an hour after a cooling orange was held to Frank's parched lips, and Mary Bald, "Drink, brother; I've got two more, besides some milk and bread," but the ear she addressed whs deaf and the eye dim with the fast-fairing shadow of death. "Mother! mother!" cried the lit tle girl, "Franky won't drink, and his forehead Is all sweat." Mrs. Howard had been much worse that day, but agony made her strong. Springing to his side, she wiped from his brow the cold moisture which had so alarmed her daughter, chafed his hands and feet, and bathed his head, un til he seemed better and fell asleep. Fast the shades of night came on, and when all was dark in the sick room Mary sobbed out, "We have no candle, moth er, and If I go for one, and he should die " The sound of her voice aroused Frank, and feeling for his sister's hand, he said, "Don't go, Mary; don't leave me the moon is shining bright, aud I guess I can find my way to God just as well." Nlue ten eleven and then through the dingy windows the silvery moonlight fell, as if indeed to light the way of the early lost to heaven. Mary had drawn her mother's lounge to the side of the trundle bed, and In a state of almost per fect exhaustion Mrs. Howard lay gasp ing for breath, while Mary, ns if con scious of the dread reality about to oc cur, kuelt by her side. Once Mrs. How ard laid her hands on Mary's head, aud prayed that she might be preserved and kept from harm by the God of the or phan, and that the sin of disobedience resting on her own head might not be visited upon her child. After a time a troubled sleep came up on ber and she slept until roused by a low sob. liaising herself up, she looked anxiously toward her children. The moonbeams fell upon the white, placid face of Frank, who seemed calmly sleep ing, while over him Mary bent, pushing back from his forehead the thick clus tering curls, aud striving hard to smoth er her sobs, so that they might uot dis turb her mother. "Does he sleep?" asked Mrs. Howard, and Mary, covering with her hands the face of him who slept, answered: "Turn away, mother don't look at him. Franky is dead. He died with his arms around my neck, and told me not to wake you." Mrs. Howard was In the last stages of consumption, and now she lay back, half falnting upon her pillow. Toward day light a violent coughing fit ensued, ami she knew that she was dying. Beckoning Mary to her side, she whispered, "I am leaving you alone in the wide world. Be kind to Klin and our dear little Allie, and go with her where she goes. May God keep and btess you my precious chil drenand reward you as you deserve, my darling " The sentence was unfinished, and in unspeakable awe the orphan girl knelt between her mother and brother shud dering In the presence of death, and then weeping to think that she was alone. CHAPTER III. Just on the corner of Chicopee Com mon, and under the shadow of the century-old elms whleh skirt the borders of the grass plat called by the villagers the "Mall," stands the small red cottage of Widow Bender, who In her way was quite a curiosity. All the "ills which flesh Is heir to" Widow Bender, If she could ascertain the symptoms, was sure to have In the most aggravated form. On the morning following the events narrated In the last chapter Billy, whose dreams had been disturbed by thoughts of Frank, arose early, determined to call at Mrs. Howard's and see if they were In want of anything. But his mother, who had heard rumors of the scarlet fe ver, was up before him, and on descend ing to the kitchen Billy fouud her sitting before ft blazing fire her feet in hot wat er and her head thrown back in a manner plainly showing that something new had taken hold of her In good earnest. "Oh, William," said she, "I've lived through a sight, but my time has come at last. Such a pain in my head and stom ach. I do believe I've got the scarlet fever, and you must run for the doctor, aulck." "Scarlet fever!" repeated Billy; "why, you're had It once, and you can't have It again, can you?" "Oh, I .don't know I never was like anybody else and can have anything a dozen times. Now be spry and fetch the doctor; but before you go hand me my inuff box and put the canister top heauiu' full of tea Into the teapot." Billy obeyed, and then, knowing that the green tea would removo his mother's ailmeut he hurried away toward Mrs. Howard's. The sun was just rising. Within the cottage there was no sound or taken of life, and, thinking its inmates were aslawp, Billy paused several min uted' npon the threshold, fearing that he should disturb their slumbers. At last, with a vague presentiment that all was not right, he rajsed the latch and enter ed, bHt instantly started back in aston ishment at the scene before him. On the thnndle bed lay Frank, cold and dead, anil-iitjar him, in the same long, dream less sleep, was his mother, while between . them, with one arm thrown loviajly f cross -her brother's neck; end her cheek pressed against his, lay Mary her eye lid moist with tears which, though ileep- TP jpALACE HOLMES Ingvahe still shed. On the other side of Frank, and nestled so closely to him that her warm breath lifted the brown curls from his brow, was Ella. But there were no tear stains on her face, for she did uot yet know how bereaved she was. For a moment Billy stood irresolute, aud then, as Mary moved uneasily In her slumbers, he advanced a step or two to ward her. The noise aroused her, and Instantly remembering anil comprehend ing the whole, she threw herself with bitter cry Into Billy's extended arms, as if he alone were all the protector she now had in the wide, wide world. Ere long Ella, too, awoke, and the noisy outburst which followed the knowledge of her loss made Mary still the agony of her own heart in order to soothe the more violent grief of her excitable sister. Billy's tears were flowing, too, but at length rising up, he said to Mary, "Something must be done. The villagers must know of It, and I shall have to leave you alone while I tell them." In half an hour from that time the cottage was nearly filled with people, some of whom came out of Idle curiosity. But there were others who went there for the sake of comforting the orphans and attending to the dead, and by noon the bodies were decently arranged for burial. "There will be no trouble," said one, "In finding a place for Ella, she is so bright and handsome; but as for Mary, I am afraid she'll have to go to the poorhouse." "Were I in a condition to take either," replied Mrs. Johnson, "I should prefer Mary, for in my estimation she Is much the best girl; but there is the baby, who must go wherever Mary does, unless she can be persuaded to leave her." Before anyone could reply to this re murk Mary, who had overheard every word, came forward, and, laying her face on Mrs. Johnson's lap, sobbed out, "Let me go with Alice; I told mother I would." Billy Bender, who all this while had been standing by the door, started for home, never once thinking, until he reached it, that his mother more than six hours before, had sent him In great haste for the physician On entering the house he found her, as he expected, rolled up in bed; apparently in the last stage of scarlet fever; but before she could re proach him he said, "Mother, have you heard the news?" Mrs. Bender had a particular love for news, and now forgetting "how near to death's door" she had been, she eagerly demanded, "What news' What has hap pened ?" When Billy told her of the sudden deaths of Mrs. Howard and Frank, an expression of "What? That all?" passed over her face, and she said, "Dear me, my snuff, Billy. Both died last night, did they? Hain't you nothin' else to tell?" "Yes, Mary Judson and Ella Campbell, too, are dead." Mrs. Bender, who, like many others, courted the favor of the wealthy and tried to fancy herself on intimate terms with them, no sooner heard of Mrs. Campbell's alllii'tiuu than her own dan gerous symptoms were forgotten, and, springing up, she exclaimed, "Ella Camp bell dead! What'll her mother do? I must go to her right away. Hand me my double gown there In the closet, and give me my luce cap in the lower drawer, and miud you have the teakettle bileil agin I get back." "Before you go anywhere, suppose you stop at Mrs. Howard's aud comfort poor Mary, who cries all the time because Bho and Alice huve got to go to the poor house." "Of course they'll go there, and they ort to be thankful they've got so good a place." "I want to ask you," said Billy, "can't we couldn't you take thein for a few davs, and perhaps something may turn up?" "William Bender," said the highly as tonished lady, "what can you mean? A poor, sick woman like me, with one foot in the grave, take the charge of three pauper children! I sha'n't do it, and you ueedu't think of it." "But, mother," persisted Billy, who could generally coax her to do as he liked, "it's only for a few days, and they'll not be much trouble or expense, for 1 11 work enough harder to make it up." "I have said no once, William Bender, and when I say no, I mean no," was the answer. Billy knew she would be less decided the next time the subject was broached, so for the present he dropped it, and tak ing his cap he returned to Mrs. How ard's, while his mother started for Mrs. Campbell's. Next morning between the hours of 0 and 10 the tolling bell sent forth its sad summons, and ere long a few of the vil lagers were moving toward the brown cottage, where in the same plain coffin slept the mother and her only boy. Near them sat Ella, occasionally looking with childish curiosity at the strangers around her, or leaning forward to peep at the tips of the new morocco shoes which Mrs. Johnson had kindly given her; then, wheu her eyes fell upon the coftin, she would burst into such an agony of weeping that many of the villagers also wept in sym pathy, and as they stroked her soft hair, thought, "how much more she loved her mother than did Mary," who. without a tear upon her cheek, sat there immova ble, gazing fixedly upon the marble face of her mother. Alice was not present, for Billy had not only succeeded in win ning his mother's consent to take the chil dren for a few days, but he had also coaxed her to say that Alice might come eefore the funeral, on condition that he would remain at home and take care of her. CHAPTER IV. Scarcely three hours had passed since the dark, moist earth was neaped upon the humble grave of the widow and her son, when again, over the village of Chic opee, Hosted the notes of the tolling bell, and immediately crowds of people, with seemingly eager haste, hurried toward the Campbell mansion, which was soon nearly filled. On a marble table in the same room lay the handsome coffin, and in it slept young Ella. Gracefully her small waxen hands were folded one over the other, while white, half-opened rosebuds were wreath ed among the curls of her hair. "She Is too beautiful to die, and the only child, too." thought more than one as they look ed first at the sleeping clay and then at the stricken mother, who, draped in deep est black, sobbed convulsively. And yet she was not one-half so desolate as was the orphan Mary, who in Mrs. Bender's kitchen sat weeping over her sister Alice," and striving to form words of prayer which should resell th Qed of th fathef- less. i,, "My motfler, oh! my mother," shs cried, she stretched her hands toward the clear blue sky, now that mother'a home. "Why didn't I die. too?" There was a step upon the grass, and looking up, Mary saw standing near her Mrs. Campbell's English girl, Hannah. She had always evinced a likfcrg for Mrs. HovWrd's family, and now after finishing hee d. h(, and trying in vain to speak word of consolation to her itjutress, who refused to be comforted, she had stolen away to Mis. Bender's, ostensibly to see all the orphans, Ijiit in raMJ N see Ella, who had always been her favor ite. The sight of Mary's grief touched Hun nah's heart, and sitting down by the lit tle girl she tried to comfort her. Mary felt that her words and manner were prompted by real sympathy, and after a time she grew calm, and listened while Hannah told her that "as soon ns her mistress got so anybody could go near her, she meant to ask her to take Ella Howard to fill the place of her own daughter." "They -look as much alike ns two beans," said she, "and s'posiu' Ella How ard ain't exactly her owu flesh ami blood, she would grow into liking ber, I know." That night after ber return home Han nah lingered for 'a long time about the parlor door, glancing wistfully toward her mlstiu'ss, who reclined upon the sofa with her face entirely hidden by her cambric handkerchief. "It's most too soon, I guess," thought Hannah. "I'll wait till to-morrow," Accordingly next morning, when, as she had expected, she was told to carry her mistress' toast and coffee to her room, she lingered for awhile, and seemed so desirous of speaking that Mrs. Campbell asked what she wanted. "Why, you see," nin'iim. I was going to say a word about about that youngest Howard girl. She's got to go to the poor house and it's a pity, she's so handsome Why couldn't she come here and live? I'll take care of her, and 'twouldu't be nigh so lonesome." At this allusion to ber bereavement Mrs. Campbell burst into tears, and mo tioned Hannah from the room. "I'll keep at her till I fetch it about," thought Hannah. But further persuasion from her was rendered unnecessary, for Mrs. Lincoln called that afternoon, and after assuring her friend that she uever before saw one who was so terribly af flicted, casually mentioned the Howards, and the extreme poverty to which they were reduced. Here Mrs. Campbell commenced weep ing, and as Mrs. Lincolu soon took her leave she was left alone for several hours. At the end of that time, impelled by something she could not resist, she rung the bell and ordered Hannah to go to Mrs. Bender's und bring Ella to her room, as she wished to see how she ap peared. (To be continued.) ATCHISON GLOBE SIGHTS. Comment on Kveryday Matter by an Original Genius. Piano playing Is not music; It ds a bad habit. Sawing wood Is the better exercise, but golf is more popular. N s People revise their list of heroes every three or four years. Some men cannot even tack up ad vertising signs, and do It well. There's one thlug about a liar: it la difficult to deceive him with a lie. Unless she Intends to split kindling, a woman has no use for a hatchet. When a man quotes "prominent citi zens," he is really expressing bis owu opinion. Dowu lu every woman's heart Is a longing to be loved like they love on the stage. If It comes eusy for some people tc do a thing well, it Is the result of con stant trying. An ornery person receives a lot of appreciation when he docs do a ijthlug commendable. One of the funniest things in the world Is the man who speaks of hi? "spiritual adviser." Many men who can tell you exactly where to go to catch tish, cannot catch any fish themselves. We Imagine that some women must be as hard to tit as It would be to tit a garment on a rocking chair. After a girl has prepared refresh ments for a party, her next step is tc hide them from her brother. It Is some people's notion of a joke to talk about the worms in applet when the hostess passes the cider. A man never knows until after he marries how much of her time a wo man spends with hair plus in her mouth. Sentiment is changing. When a min ister calls, there is no longer conster nation when he sees a deck of cards onhe table. When we see a man with u long beard, It always occurs to us how much worse it must look when he una his night clothes on. When a woman has been away a few weeks, she says when she returns that she found the dirtiest house that ever disgraced a civilized country. Boys should be taught early that they don't have to go to war to Icarn courage: there's the fire to be lighted on cold mornings, for Instance. Science and progress have done away with many old time notions, but we notice that hot water and mustard have lost none of their prestige. By the time a boy has made his mother believe he Is sick enough to die, he forgets himself and asks for pie, tund hope In her heart revives again. As people grow older, they begin tc grow more alarmed over the briej time in which a family looks serious after there has been a death In it. Some women Is always undoing some other woman's work: the boy whose mother fed him his breakfast In bed, marries, and has to light the fires. Many a modest girl gives her photo graph to a young man. and It appears later on his dressing case surrounded by pictures that come with cigarettes. There Is no doubt that every woman, If given her choice, would rather hava a diamoBd less In her crown in heaven aud ear It iu a ring while on earth. When a new preacher moves Into a town, he is as full of hope as a young girl Is who takes trunk full of new clothes off to visit In a strange town. When a woman goes for the proof of a picture she has had taken. It is with the hope that she will turn out better looking than she has always been thought t be. When a man resolves at a revival to be a better man, his wife concludes she will make less work of her cook ing.-thtce he will-no longer get crosa and lmpat$nL HAGQIN'S GREAT HORSE FARM Horace Peven Square Mite of Fineat lUurum! Land. .( Millionaire J. B. Haggin Is erecting nt Eliucndorf, near Lcxlugtou, Ky., a $;um,uijo residence. He Intends to spend the remainder of bis days In Kentucky, and will endow the. place so tlint after bis den Hi it will be run as a breeding establishment. He has now 4,!hK) acres and Is buying as fust as owners can be Induced to Bell, In order h) put the establishment lu a square tract. The main tract Is that which was settled by Hie great-grandfather of Mayor Carter Harrison of Chicago. The new residence stands upon the summit of the long slope within a hundred yards ! of the did Harrison home. Hundreds i of men are working; In the attempt to ! have tlie place ready for occupancy of j the owner and his young wife by fall. mm .9 t & -Sid--i J. 11. HAGGi.Y.S lf.',Ui,ikl0 RESIDENCE. Mr. Haggiu's reasons for making this his permanent residence are that Ills wife, as well as himself, Is a native of the State. After his death Mr. nag- gin desires his widow to livo lu the greatest comfort and to continue at the head of the greatest breeding establish ment in the world. He will rename the establishment "Creen Hills." The house itself stands out like a white landmark ngulnst the sea of green on every side, and can In? seen for miles around. In this home of his declining years Mr. Haggin purposed to spend a quarter of a million dol lars, but so many alterations have been made since the beginning that not even the architects can tell what the cost will be. The house, apparently, "Is al ready on the verge of completion; but so elaborate will be the finishing touches that ten months or a year will probably elapse before the mansion is really finished. Some Idea of the estate which Mr. Haggin Intends to make of Elmendorf may be obtained from the Improve ments already made. The blacksmith's and wheelwright's shop, completely equipped, is, of course, an essential, but on this farm the blacksmith's shop is the central otiee of a complete tele phone system, connecting twenty-live different points on the farm, ami run ning to the town office of C. J. En rlght, who has the manugement of the estate. A grain elevator, with machin ery for eraeldng corn und oats aud mixing them, Is un Institution which no other breeding farm iu the world boasts. The 'power statlou, with two large gasoline engines, will furnish lights and electric power, and there is now in prospect a plant involving the expenditure of several thousands which will cook food for the brood mares dur ing the season that they require it. Many of the brood-mare barns are to lie torn out and more Improved ones put In, and countless other improve- :,- i,.r - .' " -. ,f-- - . ...... i - -'r,;''-li;1'"l,; .. ' ' - STALLION WAKN UN UAUU1N d HuK.'SK i' .VH.U. ments ou the place are In project. Four or five years' time will be required to put it in the condition that Mr. Hag gin wishes. NEW USE: FOR ELECTRICITY. Guinea Pius Are Fattened by the Em ployment of the Fluid, This Is the age of electricity, so that one Is not surprised to hear .that an electric diet has been discovered. Naturally, you would conclude that It is designed to aid Invalids of weak digestion, but it is something of a shock to learn that the latest scientific dis covery has no nobler object than the fattening of pigs! Certainly, there Is an element of novelty in the notion of eating electrici ty fattened pork. Besides, from pigs we may yet rise to higher things. Anyway, Dr. W. J. Herduian has found out that the galvanic current pro motes the growth of tissue -that Is to say, the Lncrease of flesh. It had pre viously been ascertained that plants de velop more rapidly under the electric stimulus and there was no obvious rea son why auimals should not be eqtntlly responsive to It. Hence the Idea of Dr. Herdman, which promises well, though fts application cannot as yet be said to have passed beyond the expert meutal stage. The doctor began his experiments with guinea pigs, half a dozen of which he put Iu each of two cages, taking care that they should all be of exactly the same age. so as to make the conditions of the trial as free from flaw as pos sible. Around oue of the cages he strung several wires, through which a current of electricity was passing night and day, while nothing of the kind was dune with the other. Mean while, for a stated period, the animals in both cages were fed with a precisely uqual quantity of provender of the game kind, io that there should be no ad vantage !u till respirX on eltl lde. As a result, It was found that the guinea pigs that lived lu an electric environment gained In weight during a measured time 10 pe, cent more than those lu the nonelectric cage. Dr. Hetfmau Is cuufldent that ordi nary pigs, It (subjected to similar treat ment, would exlllblt like result. He proposes to build suitably wired pen aud to furnish the growing swine with regular supplies of electricity, tnucfc Id the same way as was done with the guinea pigs. Nobody cau say what may be the final Influence of this new discovery upou the pork trade, or whether the "electric bacon." of the future may not command a special price In the market. The Imagination extends to almost any lengths. Why may not the day come when every cow In her stall shall have I A-u j sAWms & her private wire? Aud If electricity Is good for pigs, It may serve to fatten babies, or even grown persons who are desirous of Increasing their avoirdupois, aud thus most interesting possibilities for the Improvement of the human physique are opened up. London Ex press. Iturrooina of the Itisliop, The people of England are much in terested these days concerning the working of the plan of the Bishop of Chester for dealing with the evil of ex cessive drinking. The Bishop thinks that prohibition does not prohibit and that regulation Is much better. As reg ulatlon has iu view the evil done by drinking, special pains are taken to supply only the purest drinks. The houses under the Bishop's scheme are to have n uniform external appear ance, distinguishing them from ordi nary licensed houses, notices promi nently displayed that food and non- intoxicants are supplied at popular prices, the intoxicants to be placed nt one end of the bar and the nonlnroxl cants at the other, with tables nt which buns, sandwiches, ten, coffee, etc., can be served. In villages the houses are to have (dub, temperance and recreation rooms, and where space Is available a bllllard room and library, with backgammon. drafts and similar games, are to have also a bowling green and other counter attractions to the bar and tap room. The Idea is that It Is hopeless to try to extinguish thirst for stimulants, but wise to reduce the danger arising from excess or from bad whisky and beer to the minimum. The good of the drinker, not the promotion of a theory, Is the main object. Exhilarating Exercise. To the unaccustomed a drive In the automobile coupe In which most v!sl tors decide to see Washington, is ex '! hillarating to a degree. The man at the helm makes a practice of missing the wheels of coal carts by a hair's breadth and of swerving only the sec ond before it seems that his vehicle must be struck by a trolley car. If it were not for the taeit admission it would convey that an automobile Is not her every day equipage at home, the feminine visitor to the Capital would feel much like leaning from the window aud shouting directions In forcible Eng lish to the uniformed coachman. As it Is, she calmly keeps her seat and says "Isn't that a pretty hotel?" when she's passing a park and vice versa. But when she alights she does not fall to the pavement In a frenzy of prayers of thanksgiving. She's restrained by Twentieth Century shame, but her gloves are worn out from the fright grip her fingers have had of each other dur ing the ordeal from which she has Just been delivered. The Symptoms of Love. A German scientist has recently de scribed the symptoms of love as foli lows: The oscillations In the Interior of a person's body, as may be seen In the case of vibratory attraction, are In liar1, mony-that Is to say, they are at the, first movement in complete concordance with the oscillations In the Interior o ' some other person's body. It Is, of5 course, necessary that the reactionary sentiment lu the case of the two sub jects should be of an agreeable nature, sin the two ftibratlons facilitate the movements of the atoms, which In this case accumulate aud emit their rays without disturbing the diffusion. When a man Is homesick, he beg'n. to refer to his old home as "Uod't Country." Time weil arranged indicates a weli ordered mind. LET US ALL LAUGH, JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA RIOUS HUMORISTS, l'leitsant Incident Occurring the World Over-Saj iug tat Are Cbeer fut to Old or Young-Funny BcUc tion that You W'ilJ Knjoy. While watching the circus parade 'llnstus became Keparaied In some un accountable way from his sweetheart, and he asked a policeman to help hltu find her. "What does she look like?" queried the officer. (jl "Well, sah," replied "Bastus, "she's she'a a brunette, sah, with a Yeastah hat on her bald, an' her name's Jophee ny, sah." A Llterarr Knnnd I'p. "Is Stubblns the finished writer he claims to be?" "Yes; he was done for as soon as his book came out." Chicago Record. An Kuv Metlio I. I'arke-I think, after all, I shall put my son Into politics. Lane How are you going to manage it? Parke Oh, get him Into the army. Harper's Bazar. Abnormal lrtructl vene. Phrenologist Your bump of destruc tlveness Is very large. Are you a sol dler or a pugilist? Subject Neither; I'm a furniture mover. Uouae-Cleaninir Pay. The boy knocked at the front door. The bell was out of order. Presently somebody was heard try ing to climb over the furniture In the front hall and a woman's voice asked: "Vi'hu Is there?' "Telegraph messenger," loudly re plied the boy. "Got a message for the man of the house." The nttlc window flew open, a cob- webbed head was thrust forth, and a man with a wild, despairing voice yell ed out: "Wrap It around n stone and throw It up here!" Chicago Tribune. Hut There Wai Trouble. Mr. Maun Can you er take pills, my dear?. Mrs. Mann Oh, yes; without a bit of trouble. - Mr. Mann Thank goodness! I have a bitter one for you; I Just sat down on your new Easter hat and squashed It as flat as a pancake. Philadelphia Bulletin. Took Him et Hit Word. Mother My dear, how could you re fuse him? He may never propose again. Daughter-But, mamma, he said he would. Uaeful. Brlggs Did you find your French any assistance to you while In Paris? Griggs Oh, yes. I could swear at the waiters by the hour and they never knew It. A Compliment. "I understand that one of, your ances tors was a horse-thief," said Billings to Rlcketts. "He was. Glad you mentioned IL I regard that ns a compliment." "How's that?" "It is an acknowledgment that I have Improved on my ancestors." A Natural Thought. Brlggs Gilson tells us he has made a lot of money In Wall street. Griggs How much has he lost?, The Usual Cause. Muun I wonder why Saxby Is al ways railing against society? Tuther I think it Is because society seems to have put up a railing against him. Indianapolis Press. Did Anybody Kver Do That? Some one asks what Is tact. It Is that feeling which prompts a woman to dig up the photograph of a friend who Is coming to visit, from the bot tom bureau drawer, and put It on the parlor mantel. Atchison Globe. The Window' Pane 1 in Its Saab." Kindllmau What's the matter, my little man? You seem to be in great pain. Little Boy (groaning dismally) No, I ain't, but there seems ter be a great pain In me. Troy Times. I.esanit 1, 'What do the Filipinos . appear to learn most easily In connection with our civilization?" asked the eager in quirer. Without hesitation the strategist re plied: 'The value of money." Washington Star. Wou'd Know Late-, Patient Now. doctor, what's the mat ter with me, anyway? The Head Consulting rhyglcian My dear sir, do you suppose that If we knew what was the matter with you we tVould have decided to hold a post mortem ? Harper's Bazar. Waited There. He They say the temperature in Florida has been about 73 all this month. (6i She Isn't that aggravating? To think that they should have tempera ture like that there where It's so Warn, anyway that they don't really need It." Philadelphia Press. Out of Their Cfps. Manhattau They are only amateur actors, are they not? Broadway Ye, but they are jealous enough of one another to Ve professlon-ahu-Ufe. Not f Atavlaa, These people that are always preaching evolution and the survival of the fittest are so inconsistent," re marked the girl In the ft Jacket. 0"How so?" asked the other girl. r "You know that young professor who was trying to act so gay the other evening? Well, I called him a mis chievous monkey, and do you know he got real mad about It!" Chicago Tribune. On the Contrary. "I understand that visionary chap Is regarded as being twenty years ahead of his time." "No," answered the grave-looking eltlttn. "I am his landlord, and I kuow better than "that. He Is about six months behind time."-Washington Star. t. Her Comment. "Fame." said the youth with the ear nest Intellectual expression, "Is so hard to attain! It Is so difficult for one to get himself talked about!" "Humph:" rejoined the wotuau with cold blue eyes and a nriu Jaw. "You Just ought to live lu our neighborhood." Washington Star. A Lack of Heclproclty. "What makes thatDook so haughty?" "He Is proud of his ancestors." "I see. And I suppose It never once occurred to hlin that his ancestors might be more or less ashamed of him." Washington Star. What II Hald. Mrs. Qulcz What did your husband say when the stovepipe fell on. him?" Mrs. Meek-O, I wouldn't repeat It for the workl, but It's equivalent to dashes and exclamations In a newspa per. Ohio State Journal. A Hoy' Nature. It makes no difference how much a woman stuffs her boy before sending him with bis father's dinner, he always looks starved when his father opens the bucket. Atchison Glol. The lletter Way. "Maude says she Isn't going to sing for nothing any more." "H'mt If I had her voice I wouldn't sing for anything." Philadelphia Bul letin. x Beat Ha Could Do. "Look at my desk; Isn't It in sad dis order?" "Perhaps you are cramped for time?" "That's so; If I had more time I could make It look worse than It does now." Chicago Record. Life' HorrU Grind.. . "It's so tiresome!" sighed the girl In the fur Jacket "No sooner do you get back from your winter trip to the South than you have to begin to make up your mind where you are going to spend'the summer. Sometimes I think life Is hardly worth living!" Chicago Tribune. A Dilemma. Mrs. Von Blumer I don't know what we shall do about that cook. . ; Von Blumer What's the matter now? "She threatens to stay." Life. Humdrum KxUtrn.e. Mrs. Muggins She says her life U so monotonous. , Mrs. Bugglns Yes, she never even seems to have any trouble with her cook Philadelphia Record. v ' ' . Judge You are charged with stealing six turkeys from Colonel Smllax. Have you any witnesses? ' ltastus No, sah; yon bet I ain't I doan' steal, turkeys befo' witnesses,' sah. - Tin e. "How do you pass -the time?" In quired the city visitor of the friend who had moved to the country. "I don't pass It," replied the lady who could always find something to do; "It passes me." How Fascinating. Said the mistress of a Mafsel.Io-i shop to a young and impecunious -Journalist: "This Is the sixth time you have Ihh'U here without saying a word about the money you owe me, .mon sieur! What am 1 to understand bv it?" "Ah! madnme," said the witty Jour nalist, "when oue sees you one forget?! everything." Le Voleur. Peculiar Girl. "What a phenomenal girl Helen Is!" "Why?" "She says all men look alike to her." Chicago Record. A win', Indee I. Buster I am having awful luck. I am now down to my last dollar. . Deadbroke Pshaw! that's nothing. Walt till you are down to the last dol lar of your last friend. Life. Misplaced Words. According to French dletlnnnrtua . lorgnette Is an opera glass, and a lorg non an eyeglass, but the tw have become curiously mixed. In con nection with this a highly cultivated Philadelphia woman tells a cmul tnr Not long ago she went down town to buy a lorgnon for a friend. Let me look at some eold ami Ma lorgnons," she said to the clerk lti the Jewelry shop. "I want to see tha nrut. tlest you have." . - , -', 'Y'ou mean lorenettes." a.i.1 n. salesman superciliously. "TWa- m, word, lornet," pronouncing It iverv slowly. ' - 'Perhaps I. do," said the larlv ami.. bly; "at any rate, It's very kind of you to tell me about it Now. if von win show me some I'll be still further In- aentea to you. , And he did, but be lost no onnnrf... nlty, Just the same, of rubbing that "lor net" In while he was displaying his wares. Solomon said: "A eood nhnm i- rather to be chosen than greit riches." But Solomon was a uillli"ouVb:" could afford to saysit. A Wle Coon. '