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About The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 12, 1900)
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HOOD RIVER VALLEY
NEW SAW MILL COSTING $100,000
Strawberry Crop Netted S60.000 to
JUrowern Valuable WaUr Power
That Could B I'tlllied.
Cradled between the eastern foothillii
of the Cascade range, blocked on the
wrath by the broad base of Monnt
Hood, opening upon and fronting the
Columbia river on the north, is Hood
river valley, one of the most resource
ful and leautiful of the leaser valley
Tlie valley and iU incorporated town
derive their naroea from Hood river, an
important stream the area of whose
drainage ban in exceeds 200 square
miles, about one-half of which is
adapted to the requirements of hus
bandry. It is not, however, within
the limits of this article to speak at
length of the manifold resources of
Hood river valley, for what part of Or
egon does not abound in undeveloped
resources, of its climate, a happy mean
of humidity and temperature.of health
giving air and unrivaled scenery, cap
tivating to the invalid and the tourittt;
hut rather of the material development
and growth that has come to it in the
year 1890. . " '
Confidence has been restored at Hood
liiver, and we And ourselves sharers,
in a moderate degree at least, of those
improved business conditions that so
happily prevail over our entire country.
During the past 12 months the town of
Hood Kiver has increased over 60 per
ODD ROMANCE OF ARTHUR MA
SON, A PLUNGER '
Seeks In Beckleee Speculation For'
tan of $250,000, that He Mar Can'
eel a Debt and Marry the Girt
their products have all been sold, even fQE BRIDE AND H0N0B
of canned strawberries.
Among the recent minor additions
to the town, and one liberally patron
ized, is a well-appointed bakery, with
a daily capacityof 1,200 loaves.
As marking a new era of growth, we
note with satisfaction the erection of
the first brick store building, now re
ceiving its finishing touches, the
property of A. 8. Blowers & Son. The
brick for the building was brought
from Newberg, but the contractor, Mr.
Boyd, has bought machines and will
manufacture brick extensively the
It is well known that there is no
better index of a community than its
schoolhonses, and during the past year
three modern buildings of this charac
ter have been erected in Hood Ifiver
valley. The town is proud of her six
room school building, built at a cost
of over $8,000, and we have in the
country districts four two-room and
three one-room schoolhouBes that would
be a credit to any community of simi
lar age and population. '
What Hood Klrer Want.
Our wants are numerous, and in
common with most Oregon common!
ties we need more people and more
capital. We need a bank to facilitate
our rapidly growing commerce. We
need a commodious hotel to accommo
date, more especially, our summer
guests. But more than these we great
ly need an electric or steam-motor
load extending some 20 miles up the
valley of Hood river. Such a road
would have an assured revenue and
business up to its capacity the fisrt
year after construction. It would pass
alongside of a mountain of building
stone in lavers of varying thickness,
and easily quarried. This stone is fine
granite,' receives a high polish, has
regular cleavage and great resistant
crushing force. Such a road would
Iwllfc mm feV
HOIM) RIVER SC1IOOMIOU8K.
cent in population, and the growth of
both valley anil town has been unpru
. cedented in their history. Let us note
some of the more important industties
that have been established at Hood
Kiver during the year.
First in importance is the plant of
the Lost Lake Lumber Company, Cap
tain P. 8. Davidson, president, situuted
on the Columbia river near the mouth
of Hood river.. This plant comprises
00 acres of land, , a two-story mill
building, the main part 250 feet long
by 50 feet in width, with wings for
boilers, sheds, machine shops, eta. The
mill is a two-band mill, with two gang
edgors, 1 ith and shingle mills, and all
up-to-date appointments. Its battery
of Ave boilers and an engine of 500
horsepower drive the machinery.
Steam takes the logs from the Colum
bia, steam turns thorn on the carriage,
steam carries the lumber from gangs
and cut-off saws to the yard, and even
dumps the refuse on the waste-pile.
Captain Davidson makes but little use
of muHole in his modern mill. This
mill has a capacity of 800,000 feet per
24 hours, cost approximately $ 100,000
and commands the timber of the Mid
die Columbia from the Cascades to the
The fino sawmill of Nicolal & Cam
eron, just completed, also situate! on
the Columbia river, four miles west of
Hood river, has, I am informed, a ca
paoity of 75,000 feet daily. Logs for
this mill are to bo driven down the
White Salmon river, in Washington,
whioh is being improved for that pur
Davonport Bros, added a now mill to
their plant during the year.
From November, 1808, to November,
18U9, this firm shipped 4,700,000 foot
of lumber and 4,600 cords of wood
giving employment to 80 men and 14
teams. During the month of Septem
ber thoy shipped 1)78,000 feet of lum
bor, iu addition to a large amount of
wood, and paid $1,000 for labor. The
value of their output for the year ex
The aggregate capacity of these new
mills for 1000 will be nearly 800.000
feet per 12 hours, giving employment
to a large number of latiorers, with
corresponding pay-roll. The mnniv
fucturo of lumber at present is the
loading industry at Hood Kiver.
Fruit Induatry of the Valley.
Fruitgrowing is the second industry
in importance. It ueed not be repeated
that our fruits are the recognized
standard of excellence. Tho Hood
liiver strawberry has yet to find its
poor in any market. Shipments of this
lierry fur the Beasou of 1809 approxij
mated 40,uoo crates of 24 pounds each,
returning to the grower, after payment
of commissions and iroighta, about
As illustrating the volume of our
fruit crop, I find that our local box
factory maufactured, during the year,
45,000 berry crates, 72,000 plum bask
ets, an I 6,000 applo boxes. As a fur
ther auxiliary to our fruit industry,
the Davidsou Fruit Company complet
ed lust spring an extensive cannery and
preserving factory, with a capacity of
a carload of canned fruit daily. Ow
ing to the shortage of the fruit crop
and the consequent high prices paid for
fresh fruits in the markets, the year
1890 was unfavorable to the business
of this ilrm; yet they report having
given employment to 90 persons, that
chum, Horace L.
also intersect an extensive and valua
ble forest, from which the great mill at
the mouth of the river could be sup-
plied with logs, and muny thousands
of cords of wood shipped to supply the
great treeless country to the east as far
as Snake river. Many other forest
products, local traffic and rapidly in-
creasing tourist travel to Mount Hood.
would also contribute to the support of
such a line of road as I have indicated.
Hood Kiver receives all the drainage of good fortune to Mason, who Jumped
of the north and east side of Mount
Hood, and the melting snows in sum
mer send down a large and constant
volume of water. The averago descent
of the river for the last 1 1 miles of its
course is 00 feet per mile. A well
known Eastern manufacturer and capi
talist who visited Hood Kiver last sum
mer said to the writer: "The biacest
The queerest and most Interesting
tory that ever came out of the mael
strom of speculation Is that of Arthur
Mason, a Chicago
plunger, who Is
trying to make
fortune of $250,
000 in order
cancel a debt
honor and marry
the girl of bis
choice, ne went
cut several months
ago to gather
this sum from the
New York Stock
times luck wa
with blm and he succeeded In accuniu
latlng as much as $150,000; at other
times fortune was unfavorable and he
lost the bulk of bis winnings. He Is
up and down by turns one week clear
ing from $50,000 to $75,000, and the
next down, practically on bis uppers
But he Is never discouraged, and be
lieves be will win In the end
Mason wants the quarter of a mill
ion with which to repay the sum that
his friend, Horace L. Porter, lost In
speculation on bis advice In San Fran
Cisco two years ago. Porter Is dead,
but be left a pretty sister, Miss Alva
Porter, to whom Mason has been en
gaged for five years. He says be
doesn't wish to marry the girl so long
as the debt of honor Is unpaid, but at
the same time be feels that It is unfair
to keep a girl of ber age tied up with
a matrimonial contract the rulnllment
of which is uncertain. So Mason has
set himself the task of securing the
money within the next six months.
Arthur Mason is the son of Ellas Ma
son, the head of a large shipping bus!
ness on the great lakes. The elder
Mason would gladly have bis son join
him in business, but tbe young man
has determined that, alone and unaid
ed, be will make bis own fortune.
Mason s ambition and romance are
the result of a five years' career as in
teresting as any young man had after
leaving college. While Mason was at
Princeton he met Horace L. Porter,
quiet, mild-mannered youth of a rather
retiring disposition. Porter was of the
sort that Is susceptible to a man of
strong personality. So It was that, de
spite the extreme difference In their
physical and mental compositions, a
strong attraction sprang up between
the two young men, which strengthen
ed as time wore on
Shortly after leaving college Mason
came' to Chicago
md began to
many another man
ho has tried the
s i me game, be
lost, and lost
again. His father
refused to give
blm an additional
allowance. At the
very time of Ma
son's financial dis
tress he received
an invitation from
bis former col lego
Porter, to visit him at his home in Ne
vada. The Invitation came as a niece
at tills temporary abatement of bis
Lout Money and Then Enllatcd.
It was there that Mason met sweet-
faced Alva Porter and won her heart
and the promise of her hand. Too poor
to marry, Mason went to San Fran
cisco and began operating In stocks,
and was soon Joined by his friend nor
thing you have at Hood River is your ace Porter, who brought plenty of cash
unueveiopea water power." Subse
quently he employed a highly qualified
electrical engineer to survey and meas
ure the river, with the result, as I have
been informed, that it would afford
10,000 horse-power per mile, or 100,
000 horsepower for 10 miles.
Hood Kiver is happily situated for
the distribution of her products, beinc
in close touch with three transconti
nental roads, and is it not probable
tnat witn tnis great, cheap power at
her threshold she may become an im
portant manufacturing center, and the
silent wires convey the surplus prod
uots of her motors to turn the indus
trial wheels of Portland?
Hood River. E. L. SMITH
Every Animal Its Own Doctor.
Animals get rid of their parasites by
using dust, mud, clay, etc. Those suf
fering from fever drink water, and
sometimes plunge Into It. Wheu a dog
has lost IU appetite It eats that species
of grass known as dog's grass, which
acts as an emetic and a purgative. Cats
also eat grass. Sheep and cows, when
111, seek out certain herbs. An aulmnl
suffering from chronic rheumatism al
ways keeps, as far as possible, In the
sun. Tho warrior ants have regularly
organised ambulances. Latreille cut the
antennae of the ant, nud other ants
came and covered tbe wounded part
with a transparent fluid secreted In
If a chimpanzee Is wounded, It stops
the bleeding by placing its bauds ou
the wound or dressing It with leaves
and grass. Wheu au animal has a
wounded leg or arm hanging on, it
completes the amputation by means of
Its teeth. A dog, on being stung on the
mussle by a viper, was observed to
plunge Its bead repeatedly for several
days luto running water. This animal
eventually recovered. A terrier hurt Its
right eye. It remained under a counter,
avoiding light and heat, although It
habitually kept close to the Are. It
adopted a general treatment of rest and
abstinence from food. The lord treat
ment consisted In licking the nppet sur
face of tho paw, which It applied to the
wounded eye. again licking tlie paw
when It became dry.- Saturday Even
The Theoaophical Society now has
nearly 400 branches in various parts of
Ottumwa has reduced its liouor li
cense from $1,800 to $600 per year.
Several persons died recently from
eating Kansas City mince pies.
to do business with. As an evidence
Of his sincerity In bis friendship, For-
ter suggested that bis friend that they
go Into some business together. Porter
bad tbe capital, and he was sure Ma
son had tbe brains. The offer was ac
cepted, and under Mason's guidance
Porter began speculating on tbe Stock
In less than a year Forter's inherit
ance or ?L'50,ooo hud dwindled to
about $10,000. Mason would not ask
bis father for assistance and Porter re
fused to write to his mother for money,
and thus it was that at tbe outbreak of
the recent war with Spain Porter was
working as clerk In a Boston dry goods
storo, while Mason earned a sort of
livelihood as a board marker in a Bos
ton bucket shop. When President Mc?
Klnley Issued his call for volunteers,
Arthur Mason and Horace Porter were
among the first to present themselves
for enrollment on the books of the
Ninth regiment of Massachusetts vol
Mason went from choice. Porter be
cause bis friend enlisted. They went
to Cuba and underwent all the hard
ships Into which .that gallant band of
heroes was driven. Mason, strong of
physique, withstood the awful ordeal,
but Porter, always delicate In health.
quickly began to feel the effects of tbe
He became 111 and was removed to
the hospital. Mason begged to be al
lowed to go with his friend and the
request was granted. Torter was un
able to resist the tropical fever, and In
a few days was dead. Mason cared for
Forter as tenderly as a mother would
tor a sick child, and as he held the
fever-strlckeu band of his comrade
frleud he made a vow that In life his
only motive would be the redemption
of Porter's money lost In speculation,
and the re-establlshment of hts own
previously good business character.
Upon bis return from Cuba almost
the first one to meet him at Montauk
Folnt was his father. An affecting
scene followed, during which Mr. Ma
son Implored his boy to return home
and the past would all be forgotten
ami forgiven. The soldier's answer
"When I have made things right with
the mother of the dearest friend I had
on earth I will come to you, father, but
until then I must work as I never
For tbe past few months Mason has
been living In New York City eugaged
In the mad whirl of speculation, and
be la now the recoct Used nluneer
among the world of strong speculators
who woo chance for a livelihood, on
three separate occasions his winnings
lately have reached over $13,000 a aay,
but in bis eagerness to master fortunes
at one bold stroke be has each time
forfeited the greater part.
CARPET TACKS SAVED HIS LIFE
Experience of Voyager Around the
World at Terra del Fneo.
Capt Joshua Slocum, In his solitary
royage around tbe world In tbe sloop
Spray, found a new and exciting use
During aU tbls time Alva Porter bas for carpet tacks He thus describes an
written many letters. She urges him
to abandon his self-imposed task and
marry ber. She waits for him to say
the word, and yet he refuses til he has
accomplished his purpose of securing
A PHILADELPHIA CHURCH.
Probably the Oddeet Place of Worehlp
In the World.
Philadelphia bas the oddest place of
worshlD In the world. It Is at 1J
Somerset street, and Is the local branch into the cabin and, passing through the
of the "Christian Catholic Churcn.' hold, came out at the fore-scuttle,
otherwise the "Zionists," who believe changing my clothes as I went along.
In Divine healing. The church Is a That made two men. Then the piece of
neat, new and well-lighted apartment, bowsprit which I bud sawed off at
about 18x50 feet In size. Tbe wall back Buenos Ayres and which I had still on
jncounter with tbe natives of lerra
Canoes manned by savages from
Fortesque now came in pursuit. The
wind falling light, they gained on me
rapidly till coming within hall, when
they ceased paddling, and a bow-legged
savage stood up and called to me,
which Is their begging term. I said
"No!" Now, I was not for letting them
know that I was alone, and so I stepped
of the clatform. which is used as a
pulpit, is decorated In a unique man
ner. Flasks of whisky, cigars, pipes,
bags of tobacco, crutches, plugs of
chewing tobacco, trusses, vials of all
board, 1 arranged forward on the look
out. dressed as a seaman, attaching a
line by which I could put it into motion,
That made three of us and we did not
want to "yammerschooner," but for all
that tbe savages came on faster than
before. I saw that, besides four at the
paddles In tbe canoe nearest to me,
there were others In the bottom, and
that they were shifting hands often. At
eighty yards I fired a sliot across the
bow of the nearest canoe, at which they
all stopped, but only for a moment See
ing that they persisted In coming near
er, I fired the second shot so close to the
chap who wanted to "yammerschoon
er" that he changed his mind quickly
enough and bellowed with fear, "Bueno
Jo via Isla," and, sitting down In bis
canoe, he rubbeu his starboard cathead
for some time. I was thinking of a
good port captain's advice when I
pulled tbe trigger and I must have
aimed pretty straight; however, a miss
was as good as a mile for Mr. "Black
kinds of medicine, corsets and many Pedro," as he it was, and no other, a
other articles have places on the wall, leader in several bloody massacres.
Interspersed with Scriptural passages. He now directed the course of his
Each of these articles is said to be the canoe for the island and the others fob
symbol of a renunciation of the use of lowed him. I knew by bis Spanish Hn
liquor or medicine, or the material evl- g0 and by bis full beard that he was the
dence of an escape from some malady, villain I have named, a renegade mon
One understands their significance at grel and the worst murderer In Terra
last when men and women who have aei FUeg0. The authorities have been
entirely given up the use of medicine m gearch of him for two years. The
to rely solely on the healing power of Fuegans are not bearded. At
Christ, rise In the audience and bear Light. March 8. at anchor In a snue cove
i fe 1
BKV. JOHN ALEXANDER SOWIE.
testimony to marvelous cures of con
sumption, cancer and other serious dls
eases which were wrought solely
through tbe efficacy of prayer after
physicians bad abandoned all hope.
Tbe Zionists eschew all swine's flesh,
and tbe use of whisky and tobacco Is
absolutely prohibited, and the use of
medicines of all kinds Is considered
The Zionists were founded k-ss than
four years ago by Rev. John Alexander
Dowle, a scholarly man, who was for
merly a Congregatlonallst preacher,
and was once a minister of education In
Australia. Their headquarters are at
Chicago. In their brief existence the
Zionists have grown to a membership
of over 25,000. They have a bank, a
college, land association and other busi
ness Institutions. The members con
tribute one-tenth of their Income to the
church. All of these are under the ab
solute control of Rev. Dr. Dowle, who
Is called the general overseer, and
whose powers extend even to tbe nam
Ing of his successor. .
Rev. Mr. Dowle poses as a prophet,
Recently, at ZIon Tabernacle, Chicago,
at the Turn, every heartbeat counted
thanks. Here I pondered on tbe events
of tbe last few days and, strangely
enough, Instead of feeling rested from
sitting or lying down I now began to
feel Jaded and worn, but a hot meal
of venison stew put me right so that I
could sleep. As drowsiness came on I
first sprinkled the deck with the tacks
that my old friend Sambllch bad given
me and then I turned In. I saw to It
that not a few of them stood "business
end" up, for when the Spray passed
Thieves' Bay two canoes had put out
and followed In her wake, and there
was no disguising the fact any longer
that I was alone.
Now, It Is well known that one can
not step on a tack without saying some
thing about It A pretty good Christian
will whistle when he steps on the "com
mercial end" of a carpet tack; a savage
will howl and claw the air, and that
was Just what happened that night
about 12 o'clock, while I was asleep In
the cabin, where the savages thought
they "had me," sloop and all. Thev
changed their minds, however, when
OUft BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO
INGS HERE AND THERE,
Jokee and Jokeleta that Are Supposed
to Have Been Recently Born-Saylnae
and Dolnc that Are Old, Curlone end
Laughable-The Week's Humor.
Ile-Tbat Miss SImklns Is awfully
shy, Isn't she?
SheYes. I wonder If she gets it
from her mother?
He No; from her father, I Imagine.
I understand he used to be a great
poker player. Chicago News.
"There's no reason why a politician
should not bo honest."
"No; It's Just one of those things
Hint happens. There is no particular
reason why grass shouldn't be black;
but It's green, Just the same." Phila
delphia North American.
One of Many.
Quadds Hello, old boy!
you doing now?
Spacer Writing for the press.
Quadds Don't you find it rathei
thankless sort of work?
Spacer On the contrary, nearly cv.
erythlng I write is returned with
thanks. Chicago News.
The Motive Power.
"Mrs. Lowdly dresses up and goes
everywhere and has a good time, but
one never sees her husbnnd. I sun
poso he pays the bills, though, niul
stays In the background."
"Yes. In other words she Is oue of
those airy creatures who have no vlsi
ble means of support" Philadelphia
At It Aeulu.
The Sovage Bachelor I don't see
why a man should get married when a
good parrot can bo bought for $26.
The Sweet Young Thlug-As usual,
woman Is at a disadvantage. A good
grizzly bear can' bought for less
thou ten tlm :i..t 'Indianapolis Jour
nal. . , v 1 - "
1 . -V -
. "iV.. nut : Iu Pittsburg.
Koto!. Glm '.re alarm sounds)-
Doo tlie'nruk. -irtment liero buvc
any dlfllculty In locating a Bro?-
Landlord Not any more than In any
other cltv. I guriKso. But. why do
Hotel Guest Well, it's so smoky
here I dou't see how they ever find the
fire. Chicago News.
"Now, Tommy, give me a deiluitlon
Tommy Please, sir, pa said I wasn't
to talk politics In school.
(Slipping the ring on her finger)
Let's keep this secret a little while,
darling. Don't say anything about It.
(In a whlnper) I won't, love till
find out whether the stone is genuine
or not Chicago Tribune.
the faith healer predicted that in twen- ey ?t1epPed on deek' for then they
ty-flve years tbe world would be ready r"8"'.1 1 1 or BomeDay e'se had
for the "coming of the Lord." "The : . . had no n?ed of a ioe; they
telephone, telegraph and other wonder-
ful things," he said, "will make it s
easy to spread the Gospel of ZIon tha
in a quarter ot a century the world wil
be prepared for the great day."
BIBLES OF THE YAQUIS.
uowiea UKe a pack of hounds. I had
hardly use for a gun. Thev iumnprl
pell-mell, some Into their canoes and
some into the sea, to cool off, I suppose,
and there was a deal of free language
over it as mey went I fired the ras
cais a salute of several guns when
tamo ou aecK, to let them know that I
Two Unique Volumes Found on the was at home and then I turned In again
turning x-neai. iconic gure mat 1 should not be dls-
Two or the most peculiar volumes mroea any more by1 people who left in
ever compilea in the name of religion I great a nurry. Century,
have passed from Indian possession
Into the keeping of a San Francisco ILLINOISAN HASAN UGLVcinr
man. Mr. Luis Lotlza. Thev -were taken .
from the dead body of a YaquI Indian. " -aea a Humorous Incident When
an unordalned priest, or "maestro.
who wis shot by' Mexican regulars
during the last Insurrection of his tribe,
These sacred books reveal the relig
ious beliefs and ceremonies of the
Yaquls. The maestro to whom they be
longed was one of a band of Indian
marauders that had
the country as they passed through It,
and committing all kinds of barbarous
atrocities while on their way to Join the
remainder of the tribe. The maestro
had apparently forgotten his priestly
T fa tlx? . VI .1.. .
Cteorge Geiger was said tn lv. ,
a. w w uiv Uli'
iiest man in Illinois. He kept a coun
try store in Versailles, a little town In
this State, In the early davs nnA mn
a large fortune. He spent hla mnnor
freely and was a Jollv irood foiw ni
uis racei it made the children cry to
look at ltl Geiger went to New York
in the days of his prosperity and there
was not much that he did not see. Tha
first Sunday he was in town he went
to Trinity Church and seated hlmaoif
In an empty pew well forward. While
me nrst lesson was being read a stran
ger entered. Geiger politely made room
and passed over a prayer book. The
stranger scowled and, taking a pencil
iroin nis pocKet, wrote on the fly leaf;
"This Is my pew." Geiger wrote back!
Damned fine pew; what will you take
for it?" This settled the Christian
gentleman and he did not bother Geleer
again, ai me conclusion of the service
the owner of the pew put out his hand
to Geiger and begged bis pardon for
nis rudeness and lack of Christian hos
pitality. "That's all right" said Gei
ger; "it's my face, as usual, that was
tha on 11 a a rif If Wnm ,wn
been devastating Two men we're fast frienX Zl Z
gether had many a laugh over their
first meeting. Chicago Chronicle,
Natural All Around.
Sims Reeves, when a young man. re-
- . cgiveu siugiug lessons iroin a teacher
m iwuuiuuc an I h mi an ti a mnnnnr Ono Ann i.ii
lessons Sims was requested to sing a
verse of a then popular song. He had
scarcely sung the first line when his
teacher abruptly interrupted him with.
"Stop, sir, you are flat very flat" "And
erable Imagination and
his own, as his conception of Christ on
the cross, St. John, St. Gregory and the
ueity show. His realization of the as
cension, tbe victory of tbe cross over
sin and doomsday Is pathetic In Its
crudity. A draped cloth over the cross
to represent the wrapping of the body
of Jesus In myrtle and olives before
laying Ulm In the sepulchre, according
to si. joun xix., 40, proves that the
maestro must have been a student It
Is to be hoped that If he bas reached
heaven the Archangels Michael, Gabriel
and itaphael have forgiven Mm for hi?
outlandish portraits of them.
Both volumes are put together with
Infinite neatness and painstaking, are
written and printed with a pen, every
stroke of which evidences a labor of
love and reverence for the task. The
frontispieces, in red and black Ink, are
"fearfully and wonderfully made." The
cover of one Is of gaudy red calico
bound with black and red cotton sk'r
you, sir, are sharp very sharp," was
the instant retort of the now famous
tenor, as he picked up his music and
indignantly left the room,
An Enjoyable Tramp.
Mildred (from Philadelphia) You
don't seem to like Evelyn.
Penelope (from Boston) She shows a
lack of proper culture. This morning
she said she was going to take a tramp
up the mountain.
Penelope Do you not think she
might choose as her escort one whose
social status Is more in keeping with
ber own? New York Press.
For Mercy's Bake.
"His wife's name Is Mercy.
keeps him busy, too."
"Why, running on errands of Mercy."
Stubb You ought to go to the min
strels this week. Regular button-busting
Jokes, they say.
Fenn Who's going to sew my but
tons on after they're busted off? You
don't know my wife, old' man.
"I'm Just engaged!"
"Indeed? Have you, then, received
a great Inheritance?' Humorlstische
Dick (describing the singer) She had
azuro eyes; minstrel-Joke hair
IdafOne moment, Dick! What in
the vyorld Is "minstrel-Joke hair?"
Dick Why, a rich chestnut, of
course. Girls couldn't see through a
window with the glass out.
Three Balls In Disgnlee.
"Say, Dick, oom means uncle, doesn't
"Yes; I believe It's all the same in
"Well, it's been a great help to me
"You don't say."
"Yes, when Edith asked where my
overcoat was I told her down at oom's.
Now, old chap, if I had said down at
uncle's she'd seen through it in a min
ute." Grip of Steel.
Swipsy Me old man wuz one of dese
friendly men. He'd catch hold of yet
band an' wudn't let go.
Billy Great Jimmy! Wuz he a coi
or a detective?
Ae to Hair and Whiskers.
Why does a man's hair fall out be
fore bis whiskers?
Because It Is at least twenty years
older. New York Press.
Horatio Barnes Stormer They used
o call me a "ham," but little did I
dream I would ever figure in a "sand-wlch.'f
"Why are ladles so fond of golf?"
"Well, you see, It places them on an
equal footing with the men."
At the Polls.
"A woman tried to vote here to-day,"
"How'd you get rid of her?"
"Told her to send it by mall, so that
K would be sure to receive official at
tention." Philadelphia North Amerl
Thijre were Others.
"I married you," be observed, "fot
yourself alone, but now "
It was clear that tbe honeymoon was
on itslast legs. ,
inow 1 una I have got the whole
family." New York Press.
'She does all her own cooking, bul
she says her husband has the appetite
of a bird."
"Goodnessl. She must mean an os
trich." Philadelphia Bulletin.
Took Him Up. ;
She Will you buy me that hat? !
He My precious little
She Look here! You can either buj
me tijat hat or you "can love me pro
clous little. New York Press.
A Man- of Metal.
"The orator is what you call a man
"They call him 'silver-tongued,' ht
has gold In bis teeth, and he certainly
has plenty of brasa" Philadelphia
Then She Went Out.
iom wnai ao you think she did
when I asked her to let me be the Ilht
a x. - ....
ui uer liter
Dick I don't know. What?
Tom-Turned me down. PhllndoU
Objects to the Titl-.
The mother of the Queen of Holland
oojects to the title of "Dowager," and
an official statement has been made by
the young Queen to the effect that her
mother must not be called "Dowager
Queen," but "Queen Emma of the
Worshiping tbe Tearful Onion.
The onion was worshiped bv the
ancient Egyptians. The cauliflower la
a patrician among vegetables and was
taken from Its Cyprus home to Italy
and England in the reign of EllaabeUk
Would Come Around All Sight.
They were seated side by side on th
parlor sofa and there wasn't room
enough between them for an argument
"George," murmured the maid, after
a blissful silence extending over a pe
riod of several minutes, "I'm afraid
your arm must be very painful."
'Why do you thing so, dearest?" be
"Because," she coyly replied, . "it
seems to be out of place."
"Oh, well, never mind." said George.
"It will come around all right"-ChI-cago
A Betort Courteoca.
The Automobile-Get out of the way
there, you old stiff ! You're a has-been.
The Horse Perhaps. But will you
please tell me from what part of your
anatomy they cut the porterhouse
teaks J-Omaha World-Herald.
In Fiji Society.
First Fiji ' Belle Do you think she,
has tbe face to be married with tbe
Second FIJI Belle Oh, yes, ber fac
Is certainly ample for two rings. De
A Precious Gem Btory.
The tea things bad been cleared
away, and the head of the establish
ment was trying1 to read the evening
paper, while bis better half busied her
self with some fancy work, and at tbe
same time endeavored to Interest blm
In tbe gossip of the neighborhood.
"Maria," said he, glancing up from
his paper, "did you ever hear the story
of precious gems?" '
"Wrhy, no," she replied; "what is Itr
"It's an old-time fairy legend that my
grandmother told me when I was a
boy,' he continued, "about a woman
from whose Hps there fell either a dia
mond or a ruby every time she spoke a
"Well, go on," she said.
"That's all there Is of It Maria," ht
replied. "But I was Just thinking thai
If such things happened nowdays I'd
open a Jewelry shop the first thins
In the morning."
And then for thirteen consecutivs
minutes silence relgued supreme.
The woman who marries a man to re
form blm seldom lives long enough U
finisa tbe job,