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About The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 12, 1900)
t i 4 I I I t ! t 0 1 s ! t i f 1 1 I k 9 !1 i : ;; i i ! i i r t HOOD RIVER VALLEY Rapid Development During the Year. NEW SAW MILL COSTING $100,000 Strawberry Crop Netted S60.000 to JUrowern Valuable WaUr Power That Could B I'tlllied. Cradled between the eastern foothillii of the Cascade range, blocked on the wrath by the broad base of Monnt Hood, opening upon and fronting the Columbia river on the north, is Hood river valley, one of the most resource ful and leautiful of the leaser valley of Oregon. Tlie valley and iU incorporated town derive their naroea from Hood river, an important stream the area of whose drainage ban in exceeds 200 square miles, about one-half of which is adapted to the requirements of hus bandry. It is not, however, within the limits of this article to speak at length of the manifold resources of Hood river valley, for what part of Or egon does not abound in undeveloped resources, of its climate, a happy mean of humidity and temperature.of health giving air and unrivaled scenery, cap tivating to the invalid and the tourittt; hut rather of the material development and growth that has come to it in the year 1890. . " ' Confidence has been restored at Hood liiver, and we And ourselves sharers, in a moderate degree at least, of those improved business conditions that so happily prevail over our entire country. During the past 12 months the town of Hood Kiver has increased over 60 per ODD ROMANCE OF ARTHUR MA SON, A PLUNGER ' Seeks In Beckleee Speculation For' tan of $250,000, that He Mar Can' eel a Debt and Marry the Girt Ula Choice. their products have all been sold, even fQE BRIDE AND H0N0B of canned strawberries. Among the recent minor additions to the town, and one liberally patron ized, is a well-appointed bakery, with a daily capacityof 1,200 loaves. As marking a new era of growth, we note with satisfaction the erection of the first brick store building, now re ceiving its finishing touches, the property of A. 8. Blowers & Son. The brick for the building was brought from Newberg, but the contractor, Mr. Boyd, has bought machines and will manufacture brick extensively the coming summer. It is well known that there is no better index of a community than its schoolhonses, and during the past year three modern buildings of this charac ter have been erected in Hood Ifiver valley. The town is proud of her six room school building, built at a cost of over $8,000, and we have in the country districts four two-room and three one-room schoolhouBes that would be a credit to any community of simi lar age and population. ' What Hood Klrer Want. Our wants are numerous, and in common with most Oregon common! ties we need more people and more capital. We need a bank to facilitate our rapidly growing commerce. We need a commodious hotel to accommo date, more especially, our summer guests. But more than these we great ly need an electric or steam-motor load extending some 20 miles up the valley of Hood river. Such a road would have an assured revenue and business up to its capacity the fisrt year after construction. It would pass alongside of a mountain of building stone in lavers of varying thickness, and easily quarried. This stone is fine granite,' receives a high polish, has regular cleavage and great resistant crushing force. Such a road would MISS POBTBR. n Iwllfc mm feV A HOIM) RIVER SC1IOOMIOU8K. cent in population, and the growth of both valley anil town has been unpru . cedented in their history. Let us note some of the more important industties that have been established at Hood Kiver during the year. First in importance is the plant of the Lost Lake Lumber Company, Cap tain P. 8. Davidson, president, situuted on the Columbia river near the mouth of Hood river.. This plant comprises 00 acres of land, , a two-story mill building, the main part 250 feet long by 50 feet in width, with wings for boilers, sheds, machine shops, eta. The mill is a two-band mill, with two gang edgors, 1 ith and shingle mills, and all up-to-date appointments. Its battery of Ave boilers and an engine of 500 horsepower drive the machinery. Steam takes the logs from the Colum bia, steam turns thorn on the carriage, steam carries the lumber from gangs and cut-off saws to the yard, and even dumps the refuse on the waste-pile. Captain Davidson makes but little use of muHole in his modern mill. This mill has a capacity of 800,000 feet per 24 hours, cost approximately $ 100,000 and commands the timber of the Mid die Columbia from the Cascades to the Klickitat river. The fino sawmill of Nicolal & Cam eron, just completed, also situate! on the Columbia river, four miles west of Hood river, has, I am informed, a ca paoity of 75,000 feet daily. Logs for this mill are to bo driven down the White Salmon river, in Washington, whioh is being improved for that pur pose. Davonport Bros, added a now mill to their plant during the year. From November, 1808, to November, 18U9, this firm shipped 4,700,000 foot of lumber and 4,600 cords of wood giving employment to 80 men and 14 teams. During the month of Septem ber thoy shipped 1)78,000 feet of lum bor, iu addition to a large amount of wood, and paid $1,000 for labor. The value of their output for the year ex ceedod $40,000. The aggregate capacity of these new mills for 1000 will be nearly 800.000 feet per 12 hours, giving employment to a large number of latiorers, with corresponding pay-roll. The mnniv fucturo of lumber at present is the loading industry at Hood Kiver. Fruit Induatry of the Valley. Fruitgrowing is the second industry in importance. It ueed not be repeated that our fruits are the recognized standard of excellence. Tho Hood liiver strawberry has yet to find its poor in any market. Shipments of this lierry fur the Beasou of 1809 approxij mated 40,uoo crates of 24 pounds each, returning to the grower, after payment of commissions and iroighta, about $00,000. As illustrating the volume of our fruit crop, I find that our local box factory maufactured, during the year, 45,000 berry crates, 72,000 plum bask ets, an I 6,000 applo boxes. As a fur ther auxiliary to our fruit industry, the Davidsou Fruit Company complet ed lust spring an extensive cannery and preserving factory, with a capacity of a carload of canned fruit daily. Ow ing to the shortage of the fruit crop and the consequent high prices paid for fresh fruits in the markets, the year 1890 was unfavorable to the business of this ilrm; yet they report having given employment to 90 persons, that ABTHUK MASOS. chum, Horace L. also intersect an extensive and valua ble forest, from which the great mill at the mouth of the river could be sup- plied with logs, and muny thousands of cords of wood shipped to supply the great treeless country to the east as far as Snake river. Many other forest products, local traffic and rapidly in- creasing tourist travel to Mount Hood. would also contribute to the support of such a line of road as I have indicated. Hood Kiver receives all the drainage of good fortune to Mason, who Jumped of the north and east side of Mount Hood, and the melting snows in sum mer send down a large and constant volume of water. The averago descent of the river for the last 1 1 miles of its course is 00 feet per mile. A well known Eastern manufacturer and capi talist who visited Hood Kiver last sum mer said to the writer: "The biacest The queerest and most Interesting tory that ever came out of the mael strom of speculation Is that of Arthur Mason, a Chicago plunger, who Is trying to make fortune of $250, 000 in order cancel a debt honor and marry the girl of bis choice, ne went cut several months ago to gather this sum from the New York Stock Exchange. Some times luck wa with blm and he succeeded In accuniu latlng as much as $150,000; at other times fortune was unfavorable and he lost the bulk of bis winnings. He Is up and down by turns one week clear ing from $50,000 to $75,000, and the next down, practically on bis uppers But he Is never discouraged, and be lieves be will win In the end Mason wants the quarter of a mill ion with which to repay the sum that his friend, Horace L. Porter, lost In speculation on bis advice In San Fran Cisco two years ago. Porter Is dead, but be left a pretty sister, Miss Alva Porter, to whom Mason has been en gaged for five years. He says be doesn't wish to marry the girl so long as the debt of honor Is unpaid, but at the same time be feels that It is unfair to keep a girl of ber age tied up with a matrimonial contract the rulnllment of which is uncertain. So Mason has set himself the task of securing the money within the next six months. Arthur Mason is the son of Ellas Ma son, the head of a large shipping bus! ness on the great lakes. The elder Mason would gladly have bis son join him in business, but tbe young man has determined that, alone and unaid ed, be will make bis own fortune. Mason s ambition and romance are the result of a five years' career as in teresting as any young man had after leaving college. While Mason was at Princeton he met Horace L. Porter, quiet, mild-mannered youth of a rather retiring disposition. Porter was of the sort that Is susceptible to a man of strong personality. So It was that, de spite the extreme difference In their physical and mental compositions, a strong attraction sprang up between the two young men, which strengthen ed as time wore on Shortly after leaving college Mason came' to Chicago md began to speculate. Like many another man ho has tried the s i me game, be lost, and lost again. His father refused to give blm an additional allowance. At the very time of Ma son's financial dis tress he received an invitation from bis former col lego Porter, to visit him at his home in Ne vada. The Invitation came as a niece at tills temporary abatement of bis troubles. Lout Money and Then Enllatcd. It was there that Mason met sweet- faced Alva Porter and won her heart and the promise of her hand. Too poor to marry, Mason went to San Fran cisco and began operating In stocks, and was soon Joined by his friend nor thing you have at Hood River is your ace Porter, who brought plenty of cash unueveiopea water power." Subse quently he employed a highly qualified electrical engineer to survey and meas ure the river, with the result, as I have been informed, that it would afford 10,000 horse-power per mile, or 100, 000 horsepower for 10 miles. Hood Kiver is happily situated for the distribution of her products, beinc in close touch with three transconti nental roads, and is it not probable tnat witn tnis great, cheap power at her threshold she may become an im portant manufacturing center, and the silent wires convey the surplus prod uots of her motors to turn the indus trial wheels of Portland? Hood River. E. L. SMITH Every Animal Its Own Doctor. Animals get rid of their parasites by using dust, mud, clay, etc. Those suf fering from fever drink water, and sometimes plunge Into It. Wheu a dog has lost IU appetite It eats that species of grass known as dog's grass, which acts as an emetic and a purgative. Cats also eat grass. Sheep and cows, when 111, seek out certain herbs. An aulmnl suffering from chronic rheumatism al ways keeps, as far as possible, In the sun. Tho warrior ants have regularly organised ambulances. Latreille cut the antennae of the ant, nud other ants came and covered tbe wounded part with a transparent fluid secreted In their mouths. If a chimpanzee Is wounded, It stops the bleeding by placing its bauds ou the wound or dressing It with leaves and grass. Wheu au animal has a wounded leg or arm hanging on, it completes the amputation by means of Its teeth. A dog, on being stung on the mussle by a viper, was observed to plunge Its bead repeatedly for several days luto running water. This animal eventually recovered. A terrier hurt Its right eye. It remained under a counter, avoiding light and heat, although It habitually kept close to the Are. It adopted a general treatment of rest and abstinence from food. The lord treat ment consisted In licking the nppet sur face of tho paw, which It applied to the wounded eye. again licking tlie paw when It became dry.- Saturday Even lug Post The Theoaophical Society now has nearly 400 branches in various parts of tn world. Ottumwa has reduced its liouor li cense from $1,800 to $600 per year. Several persons died recently from eating Kansas City mince pies. to do business with. As an evidence Of his sincerity In bis friendship, For- ter suggested that bis friend that they go Into some business together. Porter bad tbe capital, and he was sure Ma son had tbe brains. The offer was ac cepted, and under Mason's guidance Porter began speculating on tbe Stock Exchange. In less than a year Forter's inherit ance or ?L'50,ooo hud dwindled to about $10,000. Mason would not ask bis father for assistance and Porter re fused to write to his mother for money, and thus it was that at tbe outbreak of the recent war with Spain Porter was working as clerk In a Boston dry goods storo, while Mason earned a sort of livelihood as a board marker in a Bos ton bucket shop. When President Mc? Klnley Issued his call for volunteers, Arthur Mason and Horace Porter were among the first to present themselves for enrollment on the books of the Ninth regiment of Massachusetts vol unteers. Mason went from choice. Porter be cause bis friend enlisted. They went to Cuba and underwent all the hard ships Into which .that gallant band of heroes was driven. Mason, strong of physique, withstood the awful ordeal, but Porter, always delicate In health. quickly began to feel the effects of tbe climate. He became 111 and was removed to the hospital. Mason begged to be al lowed to go with his friend and the request was granted. Torter was un able to resist the tropical fever, and In a few days was dead. Mason cared for Forter as tenderly as a mother would tor a sick child, and as he held the fever-strlckeu band of his comrade frleud he made a vow that In life his only motive would be the redemption of Porter's money lost In speculation, and the re-establlshment of hts own previously good business character. Upon bis return from Cuba almost the first one to meet him at Montauk Folnt was his father. An affecting scene followed, during which Mr. Ma son Implored his boy to return home and the past would all be forgotten ami forgiven. The soldier's answer was: "When I have made things right with the mother of the dearest friend I had on earth I will come to you, father, but until then I must work as I never worked before." For tbe past few months Mason has been living In New York City eugaged In the mad whirl of speculation, and be la now the recoct Used nluneer among the world of strong speculators who woo chance for a livelihood, on three separate occasions his winnings lately have reached over $13,000 a aay, but in bis eagerness to master fortunes at one bold stroke be has each time forfeited the greater part. CARPET TACKS SAVED HIS LIFE Experience of Voyager Around the World at Terra del Fneo. Capt Joshua Slocum, In his solitary royage around tbe world In tbe sloop Spray, found a new and exciting use During aU tbls time Alva Porter bas for carpet tacks He thus describes an written many letters. She urges him to abandon his self-imposed task and marry ber. She waits for him to say the word, and yet he refuses til he has accomplished his purpose of securing $200,000. A PHILADELPHIA CHURCH. Probably the Oddeet Place of Worehlp In the World. Philadelphia bas the oddest place of worshlD In the world. It Is at 1J Somerset street, and Is the local branch into the cabin and, passing through the of the "Christian Catholic Churcn.' hold, came out at the fore-scuttle, otherwise the "Zionists," who believe changing my clothes as I went along. In Divine healing. The church Is a That made two men. Then the piece of neat, new and well-lighted apartment, bowsprit which I bud sawed off at about 18x50 feet In size. Tbe wall back Buenos Ayres and which I had still on jncounter with tbe natives of lerra lei Fuego Canoes manned by savages from Fortesque now came in pursuit. The wind falling light, they gained on me rapidly till coming within hall, when they ceased paddling, and a bow-legged savage stood up and called to me, "Yammerschooner! yauimerechoonerl" which Is their begging term. I said "No!" Now, I was not for letting them know that I was alone, and so I stepped of the clatform. which is used as a pulpit, is decorated In a unique man ner. Flasks of whisky, cigars, pipes, bags of tobacco, crutches, plugs of chewing tobacco, trusses, vials of all board, 1 arranged forward on the look out. dressed as a seaman, attaching a line by which I could put it into motion, That made three of us and we did not want to "yammerschooner," but for all that tbe savages came on faster than before. I saw that, besides four at the paddles In tbe canoe nearest to me, there were others In the bottom, and that they were shifting hands often. At eighty yards I fired a sliot across the bow of the nearest canoe, at which they all stopped, but only for a moment See ing that they persisted In coming near er, I fired the second shot so close to the chap who wanted to "yammerschoon er" that he changed his mind quickly enough and bellowed with fear, "Bueno Jo via Isla," and, sitting down In bis canoe, he rubbeu his starboard cathead for some time. I was thinking of a good port captain's advice when I pulled tbe trigger and I must have aimed pretty straight; however, a miss was as good as a mile for Mr. "Black kinds of medicine, corsets and many Pedro," as he it was, and no other, a other articles have places on the wall, leader in several bloody massacres. Interspersed with Scriptural passages. He now directed the course of his Each of these articles is said to be the canoe for the island and the others fob symbol of a renunciation of the use of lowed him. I knew by bis Spanish Hn liquor or medicine, or the material evl- g0 and by bis full beard that he was the dence of an escape from some malady, villain I have named, a renegade mon One understands their significance at grel and the worst murderer In Terra last when men and women who have aei FUeg0. The authorities have been entirely given up the use of medicine m gearch of him for two years. The to rely solely on the healing power of Fuegans are not bearded. At Christ, rise In the audience and bear Light. March 8. at anchor In a snue cove i fe 1 BKV. JOHN ALEXANDER SOWIE. testimony to marvelous cures of con sumption, cancer and other serious dls eases which were wrought solely through tbe efficacy of prayer after physicians bad abandoned all hope. Tbe Zionists eschew all swine's flesh, and tbe use of whisky and tobacco Is absolutely prohibited, and the use of medicines of all kinds Is considered blasphemous, The Zionists were founded k-ss than four years ago by Rev. John Alexander Dowle, a scholarly man, who was for merly a Congregatlonallst preacher, and was once a minister of education In Australia. Their headquarters are at Chicago. In their brief existence the Zionists have grown to a membership of over 25,000. They have a bank, a college, land association and other busi ness Institutions. The members con tribute one-tenth of their Income to the church. All of these are under the ab solute control of Rev. Dr. Dowle, who Is called the general overseer, and whose powers extend even to tbe nam Ing of his successor. . Rev. Mr. Dowle poses as a prophet, Recently, at ZIon Tabernacle, Chicago, at the Turn, every heartbeat counted thanks. Here I pondered on tbe events of tbe last few days and, strangely enough, Instead of feeling rested from sitting or lying down I now began to feel Jaded and worn, but a hot meal of venison stew put me right so that I could sleep. As drowsiness came on I first sprinkled the deck with the tacks that my old friend Sambllch bad given me and then I turned In. I saw to It that not a few of them stood "business end" up, for when the Spray passed Thieves' Bay two canoes had put out and followed In her wake, and there was no disguising the fact any longer that I was alone. Now, It Is well known that one can not step on a tack without saying some thing about It A pretty good Christian will whistle when he steps on the "com mercial end" of a carpet tack; a savage will howl and claw the air, and that was Just what happened that night about 12 o'clock, while I was asleep In the cabin, where the savages thought they "had me," sloop and all. Thev changed their minds, however, when OUft BUDGET OF FUN. HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO INGS HERE AND THERE, Jokee and Jokeleta that Are Supposed to Have Been Recently Born-Saylnae and Dolnc that Are Old, Curlone end Laughable-The Week's Humor. Ile-Tbat Miss SImklns Is awfully shy, Isn't she? SheYes. I wonder If she gets it from her mother? He No; from her father, I Imagine. I understand he used to be a great poker player. Chicago News. Ordained. "There's no reason why a politician should not bo honest." "No; It's Just one of those things Hint happens. There is no particular reason why grass shouldn't be black; but It's green, Just the same." Phila delphia North American. Whal One of Many. Quadds Hello, old boy! you doing now? Spacer Writing for the press. Quadds Don't you find it rathei thankless sort of work? Spacer On the contrary, nearly cv. erythlng I write is returned with thanks. Chicago News. The Motive Power. "Mrs. Lowdly dresses up and goes everywhere and has a good time, but one never sees her husbnnd. I sun poso he pays the bills, though, niul stays In the background." "Yes. In other words she Is oue of those airy creatures who have no vlsi ble means of support" Philadelphia Bulletin. Between Friend. At It Aeulu. The Sovage Bachelor I don't see why a man should get married when a good parrot can bo bought for $26. The Sweet Young Thlug-As usual, woman Is at a disadvantage. A good grizzly bear can' bought for less thou ten tlm :i..t 'Indianapolis Jour nal. . , v 1 - " 1 . -V - . "iV.. nut : Iu Pittsburg. Koto!. Glm '.re alarm sounds)- Doo tlie'nruk. -irtment liero buvc any dlfllculty In locating a Bro?- Landlord Not any more than In any other cltv. I guriKso. But. why do you ask? Hotel Guest Well, it's so smoky here I dou't see how they ever find the fire. Chicago News. Obeying Order. "Now, Tommy, give me a deiluitlon of ratio." Tommy Please, sir, pa said I wasn't to talk politics In school. Cautionary. (Slipping the ring on her finger) Let's keep this secret a little while, darling. Don't say anything about It. (In a whlnper) I won't, love till find out whether the stone is genuine or not Chicago Tribune. the faith healer predicted that in twen- ey ?t1epPed on deek' for then they ty-flve years tbe world would be ready r"8"'.1 1 1 or BomeDay e'se had for the "coming of the Lord." "The : . . had no n?ed of a ioe; they telephone, telegraph and other wonder- ful things," he said, "will make it s easy to spread the Gospel of ZIon tha in a quarter ot a century the world wil be prepared for the great day." BIBLES OF THE YAQUIS. uowiea UKe a pack of hounds. I had hardly use for a gun. Thev iumnprl pell-mell, some Into their canoes and some into the sea, to cool off, I suppose, and there was a deal of free language over it as mey went I fired the ras cais a salute of several guns when tamo ou aecK, to let them know that I Two Unique Volumes Found on the was at home and then I turned In again turning x-neai. iconic gure mat 1 should not be dls- Two or the most peculiar volumes mroea any more by1 people who left in ever compilea in the name of religion I great a nurry. Century, have passed from Indian possession Into the keeping of a San Francisco ILLINOISAN HASAN UGLVcinr man. Mr. Luis Lotlza. Thev -were taken . from the dead body of a YaquI Indian. " -aea a Humorous Incident When an unordalned priest, or "maestro. who wis shot by' Mexican regulars during the last Insurrection of his tribe, These sacred books reveal the relig ious beliefs and ceremonies of the Yaquls. The maestro to whom they be longed was one of a band of Indian THB CRUC1F1XIOJT marauders that had the country as they passed through It, and committing all kinds of barbarous atrocities while on their way to Join the remainder of the tribe. The maestro had apparently forgotten his priestly caning. T fa tlx? . VI .1.. . Cteorge Geiger was said tn lv. , a. w w uiv Uli' iiest man in Illinois. He kept a coun try store in Versailles, a little town In this State, In the early davs nnA mn a large fortune. He spent hla mnnor freely and was a Jollv irood foiw ni uis racei it made the children cry to look at ltl Geiger went to New York in the days of his prosperity and there was not much that he did not see. Tha first Sunday he was in town he went to Trinity Church and seated hlmaoif In an empty pew well forward. While me nrst lesson was being read a stran ger entered. Geiger politely made room and passed over a prayer book. The stranger scowled and, taking a pencil iroin nis pocKet, wrote on the fly leaf; "This Is my pew." Geiger wrote back! Damned fine pew; what will you take for it?" This settled the Christian gentleman and he did not bother Geleer again, ai me conclusion of the service the owner of the pew put out his hand to Geiger and begged bis pardon for nis rudeness and lack of Christian hos pitality. "That's all right" said Gei ger; "it's my face, as usual, that was tha on 11 a a rif If Wnm ,wn been devastating Two men we're fast frienX Zl Z gether had many a laugh over their first meeting. Chicago Chronicle, Natural All Around. Sims Reeves, when a young man. re- - . cgiveu siugiug lessons iroin a teacher m iwuuiuuc an I h mi an ti a mnnnnr Ono Ann i.ii u lessons Sims was requested to sing a verse of a then popular song. He had scarcely sung the first line when his teacher abruptly interrupted him with. "Stop, sir, you are flat very flat" "And erable Imagination and his own, as his conception of Christ on the cross, St. John, St. Gregory and the ueity show. His realization of the as cension, tbe victory of tbe cross over sin and doomsday Is pathetic In Its crudity. A draped cloth over the cross to represent the wrapping of the body of Jesus In myrtle and olives before laying Ulm In the sepulchre, according to si. joun xix., 40, proves that the maestro must have been a student It Is to be hoped that If he bas reached heaven the Archangels Michael, Gabriel and itaphael have forgiven Mm for hi? outlandish portraits of them. Both volumes are put together with Infinite neatness and painstaking, are written and printed with a pen, every stroke of which evidences a labor of love and reverence for the task. The frontispieces, in red and black Ink, are "fearfully and wonderfully made." The cover of one Is of gaudy red calico bound with black and red cotton sk'r braid. you, sir, are sharp very sharp," was the instant retort of the now famous tenor, as he picked up his music and indignantly left the room, An Enjoyable Tramp. Mildred (from Philadelphia) You don't seem to like Evelyn. Penelope (from Boston) She shows a lack of proper culture. This morning she said she was going to take a tramp up the mountain. Mildred-Well? Penelope Do you not think she might choose as her escort one whose social status Is more in keeping with ber own? New York Press. She For Mercy's Bake. "His wife's name Is Mercy. keeps him busy, too." "Doing what?" "Why, running on errands of Mercy." Philadelphia Bulletin. Buttonlesa Coat. Stubb You ought to go to the min strels this week. Regular button-busting Jokes, they say. Fenn Who's going to sew my but tons on after they're busted off? You don't know my wife, old' man. Equal Footing. "I'm Just engaged!" "Indeed? Have you, then, received a great Inheritance?' Humorlstische Blaetter. Old BnylUKS. Dick (describing the singer) She had azuro eyes; minstrel-Joke hair IdafOne moment, Dick! What in the vyorld Is "minstrel-Joke hair?" Dick Why, a rich chestnut, of course. Girls couldn't see through a window with the glass out. Three Balls In Disgnlee. "Say, Dick, oom means uncle, doesn't itr "Yes; I believe It's all the same in Dutch." "Well, it's been a great help to me of late." "You don't say." "Yes, when Edith asked where my overcoat was I told her down at oom's. Now, old chap, if I had said down at uncle's she'd seen through it in a min ute." Grip of Steel. Swipsy Me old man wuz one of dese friendly men. He'd catch hold of yet band an' wudn't let go. Billy Great Jimmy! Wuz he a coi or a detective? Ae to Hair and Whiskers. Why does a man's hair fall out be fore bis whiskers? Because It Is at least twenty years older. New York Press. Horatio Barnes Stormer They used o call me a "ham," but little did I dream I would ever figure in a "sand-wlch.'f "Why are ladles so fond of golf?" "Well, you see, It places them on an equal footing with the men." At the Polls. "A woman tried to vote here to-day," "How'd you get rid of her?" "Told her to send it by mall, so that K would be sure to receive official at tention." Philadelphia North Amerl can. Thijre were Others. "I married you," be observed, "fot yourself alone, but now " It was clear that tbe honeymoon was on itslast legs. , inow 1 una I have got the whole family." New York Press. Not Particular, 'She does all her own cooking, bul she says her husband has the appetite of a bird." "Goodnessl. She must mean an os trich." Philadelphia Bulletin. Took Him Up. ; She Will you buy me that hat? ! He My precious little She Look here! You can either buj me tijat hat or you "can love me pro clous little. New York Press. A Man- of Metal. "The orator is what you call a man of metal." ."Why?" "They call him 'silver-tongued,' ht has gold In bis teeth, and he certainly has plenty of brasa" Philadelphia Bulletin. Then She Went Out. iom wnai ao you think she did when I asked her to let me be the Ilht a x. - .... ui uer liter Dick I don't know. What? Tom-Turned me down. PhllndoU phla Bulletin. Objects to the Titl-. The mother of the Queen of Holland oojects to the title of "Dowager," and an official statement has been made by the young Queen to the effect that her mother must not be called "Dowager Queen," but "Queen Emma of the Netherlands." Worshiping tbe Tearful Onion. The onion was worshiped bv the ancient Egyptians. The cauliflower la a patrician among vegetables and was taken from Its Cyprus home to Italy and England in the reign of EllaabeUk Would Come Around All Sight. They were seated side by side on th parlor sofa and there wasn't room enough between them for an argument "George," murmured the maid, after a blissful silence extending over a pe riod of several minutes, "I'm afraid your arm must be very painful." 'Why do you thing so, dearest?" be asked. "Because," she coyly replied, . "it seems to be out of place." "Oh, well, never mind." said George. "It will come around all right"-ChI-cago News. A Betort Courteoca. The Automobile-Get out of the way there, you old stiff ! You're a has-been. The Horse Perhaps. But will you please tell me from what part of your anatomy they cut the porterhouse teaks J-Omaha World-Herald. In Fiji Society. First Fiji ' Belle Do you think she, has tbe face to be married with tbe two-ring ceremony? Second FIJI Belle Oh, yes, ber fac Is certainly ample for two rings. De troit Journal. A Precious Gem Btory. The tea things bad been cleared away, and the head of the establish ment was trying1 to read the evening paper, while bis better half busied her self with some fancy work, and at tbe same time endeavored to Interest blm In tbe gossip of the neighborhood. "Maria," said he, glancing up from his paper, "did you ever hear the story of precious gems?" ' "Wrhy, no," she replied; "what is Itr "It's an old-time fairy legend that my grandmother told me when I was a boy,' he continued, "about a woman from whose Hps there fell either a dia mond or a ruby every time she spoke a word." "Well, go on," she said. "That's all there Is of It Maria," ht replied. "But I was Just thinking thai If such things happened nowdays I'd open a Jewelry shop the first thins In the morning." And then for thirteen consecutivs minutes silence relgued supreme. The woman who marries a man to re form blm seldom lives long enough U finisa tbe job,