Medford mail tribune. (Medford, Or.) 1909-1989, November 10, 1963, Image 49

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Family Crises? (Continued from page 9)
more often and to give his wife more time for him. An
elderly -widow whom Diana could trust was recruited as a
sitter to free them for the companionship Joe missed.
4. Job problem. When Paul joined the sales force of
a large company, he seemed fired with ambition. But after
several months it looked as if he would be a flop. In a fit
of temper one morning, he threatened to beat up a col
league. When the sales manager questioned him, Paul re
vealed that his marriage would probably break up if he
were fired. His wife Natalie had always pushed him into
jobs where he might make a lot of money fast. Now, with
his latest failure, their marriage was imperiled.
The solution : Candid talks with a family counselor made
it clear that Paul couldn't stand competition and that sell
ing was not right for him. But he was a fine mechanic and
liked to work around cars. Natalie became reconciled to
the fact that although Paul was not a go-getter he would
be a capable, steady wage earner as a mechanic. Using his
savings, Paul quit his sales job and opened his own auto
repair shop. Within a few months the couple was enjoying
a smooth and satisfying home life.
5. Infidelity. Mark and Harriet Allerton temporarily
took into their home Harriet's widowed sister Phyllis, who
was lonely and unhappy. One night during a tv drama,
the lovers in the play embraced, and the Allertons' four-year-old
daughter burst out, "Oh, look, just like Daddy and
Aunt Phyllis!" Stunned and angry, Harriet demanded that
Mark pack up and get out.
The reconciliation: It turned out that Mark's involve
ment with his sister-in-law was relatively minor but it
was a symptom of trouble in the Allertons' marriage. Har
riet was so wrapped up in club work that she rarely had a
free evening for her husband. The sister-in-law was handy,
and she needed Mark in her own distress.
Talking it over with a caseworkar, Harriet was sur
prised to see the part she had played. As the implications
dawned on her, Harriet decided to make more room for
Mark in her life and to give him the affection he needed.
As for the sister-in-law, the Allertons found a job for her
and encouraged her to develop new friends and interests
to turn her sights toward living in the present.
6. Moving to a now community. Not long ago, Tom
and Mary Wilson moved from Chicago to a small town
some distance away. A year later, they were consulting
a Family Service Agency for help with their "crumbling"
marriage. Mary, a gregarious woman, had made friends
with her new neighbors. But Tom, because of his long
day on the job and the time spent traveling to and from
work, remained virtually an outsider.
He resented the rounds of parties and the neighbors
dropping in. At dinner, the couple constantly quarreled over
the cost of entertaining and thn unforeseen expenses of
running the home. Rancor rose until the crisis came with a
bitter spat over whether they should sell their home.
How peace was declared: At the recommendation of a
family counselor, Tom joined a car pool of neighbors who
drove to work together each day. After he became friendly
with these men, Tom immersed himself in a campaign for
a new school, joined a bowling league, found a Saturday
job, and met other neighbors with hobbies similar to his.
Quarrels at home now rarely flare up.
7. Alcoholism. Larry York, an airline pilot, was at the
end of his rope. For six months he had been trying to
find a way to help his wife Nancy control her drinking. She
always drank more just before he returned home from a
trip, and he usually found her in a bad state.
When he tried to discuss it with her, Nancy became
depressed: "Get the divorce you want and leave me alone,"
1 4 family Weekly, November 10, 1 WI
she would say. He couldn't make her understand he did not
want a divorce he wanted the wife she had been on their
honeymoon. Finally, Larry told her unless she straight
ened out, their marriage couldn't continue.
The solution: To a family caseworker, Nancy confided
that relatives had "heard" her husband was "playing
around with other women" on his trips. She "knew" this
was a pattern with pilots, so obviously it could be true.
Nancy loved her husband, but if he was tired of her she
didn't want to know it. She felt that when she was drunk
she wouldn't have to talk with him. Nancy also had prob
lems with two younger sisters to whom she had become a
substitute mother. In time, she was able to separate herself
from this "mother role," then look at her job as a wife.
She began to understand just why she was drinking. For
the first time in years the Yorks could communicate to
each other just how they felt.
As the air cleared, Nancy no longer felt the need to
drown her fears of losing her husband.
, Of course, besides these crises, other troublesome situ
ations beset American families. Differences should be ex
pected; tastes ard values vary, habits and idiosyncrasies
will not always be harmonious. But friction need not get
out of hand. When a rocky marriage does stay intact, it
often means that the couple has learned how to meet a crisis.
If and when trouble erupts in your own home, here is
what experienced family counselors suggest you can do:
1. Take time out to think it over before you decide on
any drastic course of action.
2. Examine your own role in the dispute. Were you
partly or indirectly responsible?
3. Decide whether you can sit down and talk it over
frankly and unemotionally with your spouse (some prob
lems are better not discussed except with a counselor).
Keep your communications lines open; be a good listener.
4. Adopt a problem-solving approach; try to agree on
the next step, and help your spouse save face.
5. Decide whether and when to seek competent outside
help. If health is involved, visit a doctor. Many couples find
solace from clergymen. Independent marriage counselors
are available (usually a member of the American Associa
tion of Marriage Counselors is best).
Most distraught families, however, will probably be
helped most by going to a Family Service Agency for pro
fessional guidance. To find the appropriate service nearest
you, call your local United Fund or Community Chest.
Your phone book also may list the agency under "Family
Service," "Family Counseling Service," or "Child and
Family Service."
Remember, if you have kept your love alive, your mar
riage is worth saving. When you think in terms of "we"
and feel yourselves partners in a common cause, you are
likely to surmount any crisis that comes up.
One Qift Works Many Wonders
Family counseling services are but one of the worth
while groups. that depend on local United Funds and
Community Chests for support.
There are a great many people who are desperately
in need of help. Imagine how frightening it is for a
child to look out from a hospital bed or from a home
for the handicapped or the emotionally ill and see
the world passing him by without a gesture of compas
sion. And how hopeless it must feel to be a troubled
teen-ager wondering where he can go for guidance or
a lonely old person searching for a familiar face.
You can help such people in your own community.
The United Fund and Community Chest campaigns
now going on in most towns and cities across the coun
try are your once-a-year opportunity to assist your
neighbors who are in need. The Editors