Medford mail tribune., November 10, 1963, Image 45

How
Would You
v. . ,
Meet These
Family
Crises?
By CLARK W. BLACKBURN
General Director, Family Service Association of America
with Theodore Irwin
A problem in the home may start as only a small "brush fire," but if
Family problems, at least their visi
bility and intensity, have reached
an unprecedented peak in America. Re
ports from our 312 member agencies
show a persistent increase in the num
ber of couples seeking help.
I believe that behind this lies a greater in
tensity in the crises facing families today. Yet
marriage counselors have observed an interest
ing phenomenon : many couples who divorce have
had happier marriages than some who remain
married. Moreover, those who stayed together
evidently survived conflicts far more acute than
those experienced by couples who accepted de
feat through divorce or separation.
How do you react to a crucial situation in your
marriage? When a point of strain is reached, can
you and your spouse face up to it and make the
hurdle back to harmony? The trouble may start
as only a small "brush fire," but if allowed to
spread it can reduce your marriage to ashes.
From the files of our Family Agencies I have
selected seven actual case histories to illustrate
some major critical predicaments confronting
average couples. In each instance, the problem is
presented in capsule form, then the suggested
solution, also in abbreviated form. These may
help you gain insight into difficulties of your
own. (The names used here are fictitious to avoid .
embarrassment to the actual families.)
1. In-law trouble. Married 14 years, Jim and
Ann Parrish were well-suited to each other and
shared many interests. Last summer, Jim's
allowed to spread, it can
leave a marriage in ruins;
here are some of the most
common troublemakers
mother, who was convalescing from an illness,
came to visit them and stayed on week after
week. She ordered the Parrishes' two children
around and expected her son to give her constant
attention. Ann finally exploded: "Jim, you've got
to choose between me and your mother 1"
What they did: At a Family Agency, a case
worker interviewed Jim and Ann separately, then
together. Ann came to understand she was plac
ing Jim in an impossible situation. Jim, in turn,
realized that Ann needed more reassurance of
his affection so she would be better able to share
him wi.h his mother. Jim's mother, who was in
need of special care, was placed in a nearby nurs
ing home where they could visit her frequently
and she could spend weekends with them. This
plan restored equilibrium to their household.
2. Money conflict. Bill Tolbert, a 29-year-old
engineer, was an impulsive overspender. Even
though his income had doubled in the past five
years, he and. his wife Betty were in danger of
losing their home. Yet he saw nothing wrong and
insisted he could take care of his family's fi
nances. Bitter, frustrated, and anxious, Betty
finally told Bill that, if their financial mess didn't
clear up soon, she would leave him.
How it worked out: Through discussions with
a counselor, Bill perceived that his irresponsible
spending seemed to reflect an urge to rebel
against his wife and to encourage her to com
plain and to control -the family. Betty, who be
came aware that she had a habit of belittling her
husband, made efforts to change her own atti
tude. Each saw some of the roots of the difficulty,
of which money was only a symptom. A plan for
debt management was set up which meant the
family would live stringently for three years. As
Bill settled down to follow the plan, they became
closer to each other and found themselves spend
ing more hours having a good time with the chil
dren rather than in bickering over money.
3. The new baby. Young Joe Manson had
been intensely unhappy ever- since his firat baby
arrived six months earlier. "I'm crazy about my
wife," he confided to a friend, "but I don't seem
to rate with her since we've had the baby."
Before they became parents, Saturday night
was the Mansons' "big night" out with their
crowd. Then came a Saturday when Diana re
fused to leave the baby with a sitter. "The baby's
cranky, and a sitter would just cause her to cry
more," Diana insisted.
"I'm tired of staying home watching tv every
Saturday night," Joe retorted. "It's either the
baby or me!" And he stormed out.
The answer: At the office of a Family Agency,
it finally dawned on Diana that her husband also
needed affection and attention that the child
should not monopolize all her time. To share the
baby, Joe was encouraged to help care for her
(Continued on page 14)
Family Weekly. November to, 1H3