Medford mail tribune., October 13, 1963, Image 39

And if it's proof you want, I have plenty. Why is it that
all fish swim under water? Why is it that people go to
Florida in the winter and Quebec in the summer, or vice
versa? Why is it that a person will never open third hand
vulnerable unless he's got three-and-a-half tricks? Just
ask anybody who thinks the world is round these ques
tions and see what he answers.
I don't expect you to catch the mean ins; of what I have
just written until you have reread the above paragraph
a number of times. Personally, I think you'd be a sucker
if you did. I read it six times myself, and I still don't
understand it
While we're fiddling around in the 16th century, it
would be absurd to overlook one of the greatest discov
eries of all time America, the Beautiful. The credit for
this must go to one Christopher Columbus, a Genoese
sailor who was firmly convinced that the earth was a
sphere and that his only mission in life was to prove it to
himself and the world. '
In despair, he solicited help from Spain and Portugal.
Portugal didn't even answer his letter. However, Queen
Isabella of Spain, who was nuts about bearded sailors,
agreed to supply him with three ships and 88 men. This
meant 22 quartets if they could all sing, or 29 trios if
one of them couldn't.
Just after Columbus set sail from Spain, Queen Isa
bella heard some nasty gossip about him and began to
entertain doubts as to what he was really after. It later
developed that the real reason for his voyage was not to
prove that the earth was round but to see a dame in Amer
ica whom he'd contacted through a "Lonely Hearts" col
umn. They'd even swapped photos. He had sent her one
of Valentino, and she sent him one of Tuesday Weld.
(She was no fool, either.)
WHEN THIS SCANDAL BROKE, Columbus, fortunately,
was far out in the ocean. He sailed on for 62 days
and 60 nights (he lost two nights in the Azores in a poker
game), and finally one bright morning a member of the
crew sighted a branch of berries floating nearby. This
meant land or a marine fruit store.
When the sailors disembarked at San Salvador, they
were hungry for both food and love. You know how it is
when you're on a transatlantic liner for five days and you
don't meet anybody but three buyers with trench coats and
trench mouth and four schoolteachers who are seasick all
the way over. As for how the sailors felt when they
trooped off that mud scow, it goes without saying well,
1 guess I won't say it then. I'll tell you about it at the
proper time and place. How about your house next Wed
nesday afternoon?
But now let us leave Columbus and his crew and jump
back to Europe for a moment. (I'll pay half the fare if
you'll pay the other half.) Although most of Europe's
attention was drawn to this new promised land across the
sea, we must not lose sight of the fact that great things
were happening at home.
Italian cities were beginning to attain positions of im
portance. There was a definite historical reason for this,
but in an outline of love you can't fool around with his
torical reasons, definite or otherwise. (And if I did hap
pen to feel in the fooling-around mood, I'd be crazy if I
picked a historical reason.)
Of these Italian cities, Venice, which was easily the
most important, was built on a mudbank. Don't ask how.
It just was, that's all. I don't know anything about any
other kind of banks, either, as I learned the hard way in
1929, when they folded up with my dough inside of them.
All I know about mudbanks is that in the early Venetian
days mud was used for money, thus mudbanks. Curiously
enough, we still require mudbanks even in these modern
times. For example, when gold was discovered in the Far
West, it was called "pay dirt"
I know this sordid discussion of money hasn't much to
do with sex but just try to take a girl out when you're
broke and see how far you get
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