Medford mail tribune., August 04, 1963, Image 37

ft i'Y
If your philosophy is "everything for the
kids," you're hurting them and cheating
yourself t says this noted psychologist
By ROBERT D. WEITZ, Ph.D.
Consulting ptychologUt in private practical former Chief
HotogUt. U. S. Public Health Service, Midwoitem Medical Center. St. loul
as told to Lester and Irene David
left three Boy Scout troops because he felt "dis
criminated" against. He is a chronic complainer,
heartily disliked by all the kids.
Ha may eventually rebel against his
parents, with serious consequences.
A pathetic, but extremely revealing, incident
occurred recently in a Midwestern courtroom. A
19-year-old youth stood before a judge and heard
himself sentenced to a 10-year prison term for
robbing a house of $7,000 in furs and jewels.
After the sentencing, the father asked the boy's
lawyer: "But why? I gave my whole life for him.
He didn't need money why did he steal?"
A psychologist might have told him the boy's
criminal behavior probably had its roots in his
parents' very unselfishness. They did so much for
him that he never learned to do much for him
self; thus, feelings of inadequacy developed,
which intensified as the years went on.
This feeling seethed within him and ultimately
he took his revenge in a way he felt would hurt
his parents most by stealing. Of course, the
youth was unaware of this reasoning, which took
place in his subconscious mind. Psychologists call
this "acting out" inner feelings.
Why do parents feel they must sacrifice them
selves for their children?
One reason is that they feel it's "expected" of
them. Society today approves of the couple who
rearrange their entire lives to center around the
youngsters in the family, and most parents are
anxious to win this approbation.
Another reason is that a large group of par
ents, possessing more material goods than their
own parents had, insist upon giving children
.what they themselves missed. "I want my child
to have everything I couldn't have," they say.
Finally, a parent may act this way because his
or her own life is so barren, with few outside
interests. So a life is built around the children.
But now the important question arises: What
is the right kind of parental selfishness?
Parents must offer a youngster security from
the outset in the form of love. But they have an
other obligation to give a child separation at
the same time. In other words, they must build
two kinds of security simultaneously the feel
ing of being wanted and the strength that comes
from being able to act independently.
Therefore, I urge parents to keep these five
things in mind:
Oive your child independence from
birth and the freedom called
for by his age and experience.
As an infant, place him in a playpen or car
riage outdoors, but alone. As a toddler, don't
keep him locked in the yard constantly. Offer
him freedom of movement, bearing safety factors
in mind. The child who is closed in comes to feel
security in the gate and will find it difficult to
venture away. Later, he may not want to leave
home for camp, college, or anywhere else.
Take vacations away from your children.
As a hard-working parent, you have your own
need for rest and change. Satisfy it. Get over
the notion that you must take the children with
you all the time. Occasionally, yes always, no!
If you can leave them in competent hands, do so.
The separation is also a conditioning process
that will help the youngsters in later years.
Allow your child to feel deprived.
In later years, the world isn't going to gratify
his every wish, so don't bring him up expecting
it. It's amazing how many parents fail to real
ize this simple law of life. How often, for ex
ample, have you done something like this: When
Mark, aged 11, needs new shoes, mother buys him
a pair and takes Robert, his younger brother,
along. He, too, gets a new pair even though his
are perfectly good. Mother, however, doesn't
want Robert to feel bad. Robert should get
shoes because he needs them, not because some
body else gets a pair.
Of course, an extra now and then doesn't hurt.
I know that children want to have what "every
body else" has, so an occasional generosity is
fine. But don't splurge on the unnecessary.
Do not give up your hobbies
or outside interests.
Many parents put aside cherished leisure-time
activities after children arrive because they feel
they no longer have time for them. It's a grave
mistake. Obviously, you won't have as much free
time as before, but the interests should be kept
up. Later, when the youngsters don't require so
much attention, you will be grateful you did.
Keep yourself in mind, too, when
there's extra money for luxuries.
In many homes, every dollar over and above
necessities is earmarked for the children. The
money may go into a college fund, savings for
a wedding or dowry, clothing for the children,
furniture for their rooms.
Save for the children, of course. But give your
own needs at least as much weight. You've
worked hard and you deserve them.
I cannot stress too strongly that the parent
who gives his children everything actually fails
to give them the most important thing of all
a deep-set strength to face the world as a confi
dent human being.
Family Weekly, August 4, mi S