Medford mail tribune., April 23, 1961, Image 48

en
I illllffi 'fl
Newlyweds
(Continued)
that the effort to live up to them be- .
comes an end in itself in which they
completely lose sight of standards vast
ly more important to them as adults.
This lather of gifts neither starts nor
ends with the wedding. Thousands of
parents have gone along passively with
the growing incidence of young people
who marry in college and matriculate
in connubial bliss often dn the 'old
man's checking account
Today,- one of every four college
students is married bringing about a
whole new set of social problems
and questions. Often these youngsters
plunge into marriage with only the
vaguest idea of what it will cost and
where the money is coming from. And
studies made in colleges show that two
decidedly can't live as cheaply as one
even on a collegiate . shoestring. It
costs the average married couple in
college cutting all economy corners
between $300 and $400 a month to sur
vive. This means one of two things:
either the parents hand it out to them
or the wife must work or both.
I know of one young couple receiving
money from the parents of each with
neither set of parents aware that the
other is contributing.
Often these subsidies continue when
the kids finish college.
. One couple made a sizable down
payment on a home and turned over
'the mortgage and the key to the young
marrieds as a belated wedding present
when they finished college. The young
man got a job that offered fine prom
ise but a modest starting salary that
did not permit him to furnish the house
properly .or maintain the mortgage
payments without strain.
The couple was in continuous, nerve
grating financial straits yet they felt
that giving up the house would be an
act of ingratitude and an admission of
failure. They superficially resolved
their problems when the young man
quit his job and went to work for his
wife's father at a considerable salary
: he should not yet command.
Result: the young man is doing work
12 Family Weekly, April M, 1MI
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he doesn't like, and relations between
the husband and wife are uneasy.
Not too many years ago, the working
youngster was expected to contribute
to the family finances. Now, this is not
only seldom expected of him, but he is
usually given a handout to supplement
his earned income. This is not to sug
gest that we should go back to the days
of the sweatshop; but we certainly do
need to draw a new perspective on the
problem instead of drifting into ever-'
larger subsidies for young people.
The saddest thing of all is that gen
erally the motive of the parents and
friends doling out these expensive gifts
and subsidies is an earnest desire to
help the youngsters. And far too often,
it has just the opposite effect It sets a
standard for young people in their
formative years that they can't hope to
maintain when they are "on their own."
Many thoughtful Americans arc
deeply concerned about this situation.
Psychiatrist Jerome D. Frank said re
cently: "Our goal as parents is not to
produce adults who are continually
serene but individuals who are able to
distill strength and wisdom from the
vicissitudes of life. Basking in creature
comfort as we do, we are more apt to
resent the inevitable hardships and suf
ferings of life and perhaps are more
easily demoralized by them than mem
bers of less materially favored societies.
"A cornerstone of mental health, as
I see it, is the ability to deal confidently
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them. A child develops this ability best
through having to cope with problems."
Hanson Baldwin, military editor of
the New York Times, sees this tough
ness slipping away. And it worries him.
He says: "The American man has been
pampered. The extremely high stand
ards of American life and .the sheltered
environment contrast strongly with the
stark life in Russia and Red China,
where hard work takes precedence over ;
security. Can American man after
years of protective conditioning vie
with this barbarian who has lived by
his wits, his initiative, his brawn?"
The only possible answer is tnat
parents need to take stock of the
moral and mental toughening of their
children. They need to ask themselves:
are we giving our young people too
much, making it too easy for them,
endowing them with a false set of values
and standards? Are we setting a good
example for them in these respects? v
' ' There's no easy answer to these ques
tions. We must progress with the times
and meet the Space Age and its prob
lems on its own terms. But this doesn't
mean giving our kids the world on a
flying saucer especially when they're
first starting out and are eager and able
to make their own conquests.
When and How to
Help Your Children
It's natural and normal for parents to
want to help their children even after
they're married, says Dr. Freda S.
Kehm, director of the Association for
. Family Living in Chicago. But it's im
portant, she cautions, to guard against
overindulging them. Here are her common-sense
suggestions:
1. Make the subsidy fit the situation.
In other words, don't offer a young
couple gifts or "handouts" that are be
yond their means to maintain or that
will require them to scale a false lad
der of material values so that they may
use them.
2. Set an example of wise spending,
sound credit, and moral and ethical
values for your children to emulate.
Young people raised in an atmosphere
of extreme materialism can hardly be
expected to adopt high values. "
3. Stand firm against that most per
suasive of all arguments: "Everyone
else is doing it" Don't let "everyone
' else" dictate your family policies or
coerce you into sacrificing your own
good judgment or sense of principle.
4. Finally, don't deprive your chil
dren of the satisfaction of earning for
themselves the things they really want.
Every young American deserves to ex
perience the sense of accomplishment
that comes with attaining desirable
goals and possessions by himself. If he
' suffers a few bumps and bruises along
' the wav. they're part of the experience
of growing up.
family Weekly. .April 2J, MM