Medford mail tribune., December 18, 1960, Image 47

Family Weekly December 18, 1960
A noted marriage authority sets down this thought-provoking guide, which all wives
who want to be better ones might well follow
Although afflicted with cerebral palsy, Phyllis
i Taylor was determined to find a job. Her hus
band Bill wis about to enter New York Medical
College and someone had to support the family.
Last July, Mrs. Taylor, a pert, 25-year-old bru
nette from Brooklyn, N.Y., finally got what she
sought a job as secretary at J.O.B. (Just One
Break), a unique organization which finds pro
ductive work for the disabled.
Mrs. Taylor doesn't think she is doing anything
extraordinary in putting her husband through
medical school despite her handicap.
"I accept it as a matter of course," she says,
"because I love my husband. I don't consider it
either as my duty or responsibility. My husband's
career is our future, and we have to make it to
gether. My working is just one of my contribu
tions." While Phyllis Taylor doesn't expect any plaudits,
there has been a trend recently to recognize the
efforts of wives above and beyond the call of duty.
Each year at the graduation exercises of the eve-
Could You Win This "Good
ning division of New York University's college of
engineering, the student council presents "Good
Wife Certificates" to worthy mates of graduates for
their "encouragement, collaboration,' and under
standing." At the college, four out of five evening
students are married. The average student takes -six
to eight years to complete his engineering
course. Usually, he spends three-and-a-half nights
a week in class and much of his weekend in prepa
ration for it.
One "good wife" who received her certificate
last June is Mrs. Mary K. Mooney, whose husband
Terence attended evening classes for nine years.
During that time, the couple had four children,
and she had to keep them happily occupied while
Terence studied.
"A lot of fellows dropped out," Mrs. Mooney ob
served, "because their wives couldn't stand the
grind. I admit at times the going was rough, but I
wanted my husband to achieve his ambition, and
becoming an engineer offered a better life for all
of us."
I think the Good Wife Certificate, as a tangible
token of gratitude, is a wonderful tradition. I
wish there were more like it outside the academic
world. Of the 38,600,000 wives in this country,
there are probably a vast number who deserve
recognition for their superior performance as
spouses. Far too much attention has been given to
divorces and the shortcomings of the female part
ner. It's time we accented her positive qualities.
Dr. Carle C: Zimmerman of Harvard University
and the Rev. Lucius F. Cervantes of St. Louis Uni
versity surveyed 60,000 families for their new
4
Family Weekly, December 18, 1960
book, "Successful American Families." As part of
their findings, the two social scientists reported:
"While we have more broken families, we also
have many more good ones. These good families
are increasing and getting better."
Clearly, a cornerstone of the successful family is
the wife. Just what are the criteria for a "good"
wife? Each family is unique and has its own pat
tern and problems. But by and large, the estimable
wife often has some basic characteristics. In a
cross-section survey of 20 leading marital-relations
advisers among member agencies of the Fam
ily Service Association of America, we have
gathered a consensus of their views on the subject.
The following points, not necessarily in order of
importance for every couple, may guide young
wives just starting out in family life, and give oth
er women a better perspective on their own role:
1. The good wife, grown-up enough to give as
well as to receive, has the capacity to provide her
husband with emotional support when needed.
That is, she is sensitive to his feelings and moods.
When he is preoccupied by tensions outside the
home, she knows he is not rejecting her. If" he
needs praise, she's able to offer it. In crises, she
stands by him; if he loses his job or fails in a
venture, she doesn't blame him entirely, but puts
on a good face and does all she can to see him
through the ordeal.
She understands his impulses even though she
may disapprove of his behavior. Let me illustrate
with a case at one of our agencies. Barbara had mar
ried Fred, a widower with a grown daughter and
two grandchildren. Fred tended to go overboard
with financial help to his daughter. Last summer,
he sent both grandchildren to an expensive camp,
thus depriving Barbara and himself of a longer
vacation. But Barbara realized that Fred's daugh
ter resented his second marriage and perhaps this
was his way of winning her over. Instead of ex
pressing resentment, Barbara accepted his gesture
as a wish to be a good father and grandfather
an emotional need that had to be satisfied.
2. To be able to give her husband emotional
support, the good wife develops her own poten
tialities as a human being. Retaining her individ
uality and independence, she may take courses in
adult education, cultivate her talents, or participate
in community affairs. Thus, she fulfills herself as
a person and still pulls her oar as a wife. At the
same time, she grows along with her husband, ex
panding her horizons with his and broadening her
interests as he moves ahead. She is able to keep
pace with him, adjusting to the many and various
changes and emotional cycles in their lives.
3. Her expectations of what her husband can do
are realistic. Take the case of Joan and Paul
Meadows, for example. As an orphaned child, Joan
had been placed in one foster home after another.
Instability marked her entire youth. When she
married Paul, a truck driver, Joan realized he had
far less education and intelligence than she, but
he was steady and predictable, giving her the
security she needed. Joan manages the finances,
plans for the children, and makes the major de
cisions, yet she makes Paul feel he is the boss at
home. She has never berated him for his inability
to increase his income. Joan sees her husband in
a true light. .
4. The good wife shares her husband's goals,
fitting them to her own. She is willing to wait
patiently for the ultimate rewards. In attaining
these objectives, she shares responsibilities as well
as pleasures and problems. A fairly common case
By CLARK W. BLACKBURN
in point is a couple I'll call Ed and Betty Jackson.
Ambitious to get ahead, Ed started as a salesman
in a demanding business. He worked late hours
and traveled a good deal. Although she was an
noyed and lonely from time to time, Betty adapted
herself to the situation. She learned to make cas
serole dishes that wouldn't spoil when he came
home late, and made the most of their few hours
together. Now that Ed has been made an executive,
they have household help and more time to spend
with each other. Recently, the Jacksons took a
long-dreamed-of trip to Europe. As her husband's
"partner," Betty had played her role well in his
hard climb upward.
5. Through the warmth of her affection, the
good wife helps keep their love alive. She sends
him off with a kiss in the morning and greets him
as fondly when he returns. To her, physical love is
a symbol of devotion rather than an end in itself,
and she is aware that such physical need is usually
greater in the male. The considerate wife lets her
mate know that she finds him desirable, and never
makes him feel inadequate as a male.
6. The good wife has a deep, abiding, confident
faith in the man she has married. She wants oth
ers to respect him as she does. In a group conver
sation, she permits him to take the lead and doesn't
interrupt him constantly or spoil his jokes. She
avoids criticizing him in public. Nor does she dis
parage associates and friends he admires; she
follows an open-door policy for them in her home,
even if she finds-them dull or sometimes disagree-
able. She may compromise gracefully, however, by
not seeing them too often.
7. While she enjoys her husband's companion
ship, the good wife doesn't become too dependent
on it. Respecting his need for occasional privacy,
she learns when to keep quiet if she's aware he is
upset or uncommunicative. If he'd rather read or
watch a ball game on television, she avoids dis
turbing him with idle chatter.. While family unity
is desirable, she doesn't force him into "together
ness." If her husband invites her to join him in
golf, fishing, or bowling and she's interested
she'll go along for the comradeship. But if he pre
fers some social time with other men, and she
senses that she shouldn't intrude, the good wife
doesn't consider this a personal affront She knows
she doesn't have to be in her husband's corner
every moment of his free time.
8. Social scientists agree that emancipation from
parental domination is essential to harmony in
Wife" Certificate?
General Director, Family Service Association of America with Theodore Irwin
marriage. The good wife doesn't run off to mother
every time she's up against a situation she can't
handle. While she maintains close ties with her
parents, their wishes do not control her decisions.
No longer their "little girl," she has assumed the
full stature of a wife. Her mother's advice may be
helpful, but the smart wife knows that it must not
intrude on the young couple's privacy. Toward her
husband's parents, she is accepting. Tactfully, she
arranges to see them regularly (if that's what her
husband wants), and takes their suggestions with
grace. But she and her husband still hold the reins
at home. '
9. Considering homemaking her profession, she
enjoys being a capable household manager, even
if she has an outside job, too. Home should be more
than a place for her husband to hang his hat he
should find pleasure in returning to it each day.
She makes every effort to keep their home reason
ably cheerful, a restful haven. Meals are enticing
in variety. Unless" he's willing to do such house
hold chores as washing dishes or changing diapers,
she does not insist on it. Although he can help
around the house, her mate isn't converted into a
"mother substitute." If she has a part-time career
or full-time job, it doesn't take priority in her life,
and her own work should not become more impor
tant to her than his.
10. Conflicts are normal in marriage, and the
astute wife doesn't let tensions pile up; she works .
them out as they come along. Above all, she must
be able to communicate her feelings and respect
her husband's, though they may differ.
She tries to find out what's "eat
ing" her mate, concedes that his
viewpoint may be reasonable and
opens the way to discussion and
compromise. When she knows
the "sore spots" in his person
ality, she avoids the temptation
to . strike at them. If she has a
grievance herself, she tries to
choose the right time and place to
air it, limiting her arguments to rele
vant facts. Above all, she retains her
sense of humor and sense of proportion.
What about her function as a mother?
Having children is a joint goal, an expres
sion of a couple's affection for each other.
Generally, the American woman today takes
a dominant role when the children are young,
but the good wife doesn't shut out her husband
or lessen her devotion to him. She "divides her
love between him and the children. From the
beginning, she encourages him to share
in their rearing and guidance. When
they misbehave, she handles the
problem as it comes up; she doesn't
put him in the unfavorable position
of a dreaded disciplinarian by threat
ening her children with: "Wait till
Daddy comes home!" He does his part
when he's at home, and she backs
him up in his methods of punishment.
Naturally, no one wife is likely to
fit oil these criteria for the ever-loving
spouse. Nor does anything less than these
criteria necessarily make a woman a "de
fective" wife. Obviously, the characteristics
of American families vary widely, and no
outsider can say what is best for each
couple. But these 10 yardsticks can
serve as a guide to women who wish
to evaluate their own " role and to
husbands who may now awaken to
the fact that their mates may well
merit at the very least a symbolic
"good wife" award.
XI I Goto ! Km Iff
7 .- I New York University K)
5 Goodwife K
f. Q HUxA t
PHOTOGRAPH BY VICTOR OBSATZ
Family Weekly, December IS, I960