-I i J1
A leading writer,
editor, and lecturer on
child development and
parent education, Sid
onie Gruenberg is spe
cial consultant to the
Child Study Associa
tion of America. Her
books include "The
Encyclopedia of Child
Care and Guidance,"
published by Double
day; "Parents' Guide
to Everyday Problems
of Boys and Girls,"
Random House; and
"The Wonderful Story
of You: Your Body,
Your Mind, Your Feel
ings' with Benjamin
C. Gruenberg), Gar
den City Press.
When good, reliable, honest Peter was
eight years old, his proud parents had
an unhappy surprise. He began helping him
self to pencils at the neighborhood dime store
without the formality of paying for them.
The manager was a friend of the family.
So instead of banishing Peter from his store,
he reported the matter to Peter's mother so
that she could deal with the cause of the
crime wave as well as with the misdeed itself.
At first Peter's parents were incredulous.
There must be some mistake. He was en
tirely trustworthy at home. He had an ade
quate allowance. Besides, there were plenty
of pencils available to him for the asking.
Why would he steal them?
"Peter, I can't believe the dreadful thing
I've heard about you. Is it true that you have
been stealing things at thestore?" his mother '
asked. She was doubly shocked when Peter
compounded his felony by lying.
"No. I didn't take any pencils," he asserted,
giving himself away by his specific answer,
and by a guilty glance at the drawer where
he had secreted his loot.
Greatly concerned, his mother gave him
a severe scolding. "When the police catch a
thief they put him in jail," she told him. She
made him take the pencils back to the man
ager. Then she gave him a sample of the re--strictions
of prison life by taking away his
television rights for a month.
"He adores TV so that was a punishment
hell never forget," she said, sure that she
had chosen the most effective way to drive
the lesson home. . '
This situation is worth examining in de
tail because it is an example of confused
handling of two misdemeanors that often
go hand in hand.
In the process of growing up, all children
tell some untruths and take some things that
do not belong to them. In the past, many
people believed that all children were born
wicked, and that it was the duty of parents
to combat this "original sin" by means of
severe punishment, no matter what the age
of the child or the circumstances that
tempted him.
Modern studies of many kinds of children
from infancy through adolescence make us
believe that children are bom neither good
nor bad, though with a capacity for both.
So today we concentrate more on guiding a
child past his mistakes and toward responsi
ble behavior rather than "giving him a pun
ishment he'll never forget"
Just what is the best way to deal with pil
fering and the fibbing that often accom
panies it? First of all, we must remember
that children are influenced, especially in
their early years, far more by desire to be
approved and admired by their parents than
by any real understanding of right and
wrong. Their strongest reason for resisting
temptation is to keep their parents' affec
tionate regard.
When a child does wrong, we must let him
know that we are distressed by his action.
But we must put him on the right track in
some way that shows we have firm faith in
his ability to do better the next time he is
tempted.
Be careful not to accuse your child falsely,
but be even more careful not to invite him
to escape by grasping at a lie, especially if
there is any faint hope of his getting away
with it.
The way in which Peter's mother ques
tioned him, to make sure that the manag
er's accusation was true, trapped him into
an instinctive and protective fib. In this case,
it was the manager's report, against Peter's
denial, that he had stolen pencils.
If the boy had not betrayed himself by his
answer, or if his mother had not found the
pilfered booty, his spontaneous reach for es
cape through a falsehood might have been
successful. And Peter might well have con
cluded that, while stealing is risky, lying
does pay.
Be sure of your facts. Then take a direct
approach such as: "I hear that you have
some pencils that belong to the dime store.
Now I want you to tell me how you happened
to take them."
This opens the way to calm discussion,
and lets you help your child deal with one
' error not two. Certainly,' stolen property
must be returned, but this is a difficult er
rand on which to send a small child alone.
Go with him, so that he knows you are on
his side, right or wrong. If any additional
penalty seems called for, make it fit the situ
ation. Take away his own pencils for a day
or so rather than something totally unre
lated that he values highly.
Above all, keep punishment short. A
month is an endless time to an eight-year-old.
It is too long a sentence for any child
to endure with benefit Such extended pun
ishment only makes him feel hopeless about -his
chances for ever being "good" again.
Avoid using words such as "thief" and
"liar" in your discussion of his wrongdoing.
They may make your child feel that he is
forever hardened into a pattern rather than
guilty of one misstep. Proper guidance-is
based on condemning deeds, not the child.'
(Continued)
Family Weekly, February 28, 1960
15
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