7 9
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Other people may be upset by heights,
depths, or small, dark places.
I suffer from chronic apostrophobia.
In high-school English classes, I never man-
aged to sort out the subjunctive from the
dative, but I remember almost everything
about apostrophes, those little commas that
rose up in the world.
Several of the things I know about apostro
phes have apparently been left out of the sign
painter's manual, the stationery and
Christmas-card catalogues, and the mailbox
business.
Every morning on my way to work, I pass
a truck bearing the name International Elec
tronic's. Okay. International Electronic's
What? This is obviously a business operated
by an electronic who doesn't want to tell
something.
Then there are the people who sign their
notes: Best regards from the Brown's. The
Brown's cat? The Brown's green? The
Brown's who? Or which?
I know this is petty of me. I ought to find
something better to do with my time. Anyone
who can read can comb through every column
I write with a fine-tooth grammar and find
the nits and lice of technical error which I
cover with an excuse called "writing style."
But this apostrophobia haunts me. I'm
reaching the stage where I yearn to stop the
electronics truck on the highway and punch
the unnecessary apostrophe right in its big
fat blob. The most common catastrophe of all
in the apostrophe business is attached to poor
little innocent "its."
It's a fine day for me until I read: "It's
motor was running." Does this indicate "It is
motor was running" or "It's a motor and, by
the way, it is running"? -
It makes me mad. It doesn't render me com
matose. It makes me prone to apostroplexy.
Its driving me crazy!
Husband, You Don't Understand Me
I'm ready on time! Don't wax satirical,
Acting as if it's a major miracle.
Look, if you don't believe all dressed
In my elegant go-to-meeting best,
Except that the zipper got stuck halfway.
Do you think you could . . .? Easy! Ouch! Okay.
Bless me, this stocking just popped a run ...
Now I've chipped a nail! One second, hon
If you'll fetch my stole from the closet shelf,
I'll bring my gloves from the line myself.
And wait, I need ear clips with hey, leggo!
You'll do what clipping? Whose ears? Oh, no!
Why, I tried so hard and was feeling sublime .
Because really, for once, I was ready on time!
Ethel Jacobson
A Matter of Taste .
The principal hitch in
An up-to-date kitchen
Is no lack of cooking appliances;
It's just that the part
That used to be art
Now poses as one of the sciences!
S. Omar Barker
Statistics show that women live longer than
men. Maybe it's because they seldom chase men
half their age. D. O. Flynn
"IH pick you up at noon Saturday, and well go to the track,"
said one inveterate horse-player to another.
"Can't make it this week," the other replied angrily. "The wife
took my pay check and blew the whole thing on groceries."
Kippy Sands
"Ifs Twimbles idea... so we won't lose the nose cone!"
Family Weekly, January 17, I960
13
PERIODIC
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