Crystal! Ml Yieflds Look at PoflSticafl Futures
By A. ROBERT SMITH
Washington Correspondent
(Editor's note: Once again our
Washington correspondent bas spent
rf "ud" peering into his lop
sided crystal ball to find out for ns
what will make headlines in i960.)
JANUARY The New
Year dawns bright and clear.
headed for Oregon's teetotal-
img top three politicians who
wait for the rest of the coun
try to come to by making, en
tries in their diaries, as fol-
jows:
"Dear Diary I had such a
strong sense of destiny for
me in 1960. And for the peo
ple, too, of course. They call
ed me Oregon's Golden Bov
and with no legislature to
harrass me, I would have been
able to maintain a golden
silence on every touchy is
sue. Rocky said he wanted
me on his ticket, although
I had a nightmare he might
have said this to others as
well. But Rocky has thrown
in the sponge, and everyone
knows geography prevents me
being Dick's running mate,
try to remain philosophical.
I can still be the best gover
nor Oregon ever had." -.
jjear Diary I feel as
weary, bone-tired Meriweth
er Jewis must have felt as
he gazed into the sunset aft
er crossing the snow-crested,
craggy Bitter Root Mountains
it's all down hill from here
on. I know I can never be
partisan again, like other
men. But as long as Hatfield
continues to knife my Oregon
Dunes Seashore bill and
Morse keeps up his vehement
attacks on me, I'll win in a
landslide of sympathy."
"Dear Diary I have no
illusions about my role in
American politics, but., it . is
becoming clear finally .to
countless Americans that they
cannot risk giving the presi
dency to a phony liberal. Un
til Truman the other day
praised Kennedy and Humph
rey as sound liberals, I told
Harry the only true liberals
left were thee and me and
how I wonder about thee."
FEBRUARY U. S. moth
ers march on Washington in
protest against increasing
number of TV gunslingers
and skull crackers. Congress
acts boldly, voting to draft
these guys for duty in Out
er Space. Their departure
leaves such a void on TV that
Ike declares it a rational dis
aster area of American cul-
L
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ture. TV producers turn to i and belt loops from aeronaut
the host of presidential con- uniforms. "I'm informed then-
tenders, confident the politi
cians won t raise too drastic
ally the lowest common de
nominator TV spent so much
money developing. Political
spectaculars become the rule.
Harry Truman and Dick Nix
on appear in "Can You Top
This." No jokes, just insults.
Wayne Morse takes over role
of "Maverick," sponsored by
the Teamsters. Checkers re
places Lassie, who was caught
taking a T-bone payola.
Everyone find this immen
sely entertaining, except Ike,
who misses the westerns.
Warning this will make poli
tics the laughing stock of the
country, Ike sends Congress
a bill to ban all humor on
political TV programs. Ameri
cans for Democratic Action
charges this is an "anti-Adlai"
bill designed to suppress Stev
enon's wit. Jim Hagerty ang
rily denies this, claiming the
bill is general mirth control
legislation.
Congressional Quarte rly
queries all candidates o n
mirth control. Each finds a
uniquely evasive way of say
ing, "Politics is serious busi
ness, but the government has
no business interfering with
the right of the people to have
a little fun." Jack Kennedy
wins an Emmy award for
singing, "I Got Rhythm.
MARCH In the Nation's
first primary in New Hamp
shire, Kefauver beats all
Democrats because snow
bound voters still wearing
coonskin caps he pased out
last time. Nixon piles up 99
per cent of Republican vote
all but Dartmouth grads
who remain loyal to Rocke
feller.
Rep. Charlie Porter, just
back from checking on work
ing conditions of Post Office
employees at Little America,
announces his intent to take
the first rocket to the moon.
I owe it to cheesemakers in
my distirct to make a personal
survey of chances of import
ing green cheese from the
moon."
Attorney General Thornton
wins conviction. Life at hard
labor is sentence imposed cn
Jim Elkins' mule for jumping
fence onto a state highway and
cracking six yards of concrete.
Asked if it had anything to
say, the prisoner replied: "If
only I were a donkey or . an
elephant, in this political year
I would have . got off scot
free."
APRIL - In Wisconsin pri
mary, Nixon wins 98 per cent
of GOP vote, and GOP Nation
al Committee warns all party
members against any further
expressions or. dissent, Ken
nedy wins on the Democratic
ticket, and Morse is named
the "native son" candidate on
the Progressive ticket. After
stumping the state, Morse in
hometown of Madison says: "I
have no illusions. . ." .
Congressman Porter files
suit against the State Depart
ment for refusal to validate
his passport for trip to moon.
Rep. Walter Norblad starts
one-day campaign with slogan,
"Eliminate waste in Outer
Space." Introduces . bill to
eliminate suspender buttons
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modesty is safe because there
is no gravitational pull in
Outer Space."
MAY - Nation watches Ore
gon primary. Wayne beats o ut
Adlai, Jack, Hubert, et al -
but loses to Norman Thomas.
All Portland heart specialists
are assigned . to emergency
duty at Arlington . Club. In
New York, Thomas declares:
"Both parties have stolen my
platform, but Wayne Morse
pirated my planks for both
parties, so I bequeath my dele
gates to him."
Nixon gains 97 per cent of
GOP vote. Republican Nation
al Committee, Ike and cabinet
meet in emergency session to
deal with crisis of 3 per cent
dissent in party over its pres
idential nominee.
Paris summit meeting ends
with everyone in gay mood.
The first night Nikita discov
ered the Folies-Bergere and
after several return visits
makes sweeping concessions
to the West on the issue of the
can-can.
JUNE - Next summit meet
ing is held at Augusta, Ga.,
where the Big Fore is what
the caddies yell when Khru
shchev gets on the tee to
whack the ball. Pravda cor
respondent cables the story
to Russian readers:
"Premier Khrushchev won
the golf match today by scor
ing more points than the Brit
ish, French and American
leaders combined. Later he an
nounced plans to build coun
try clubs on the steppes. Farm
workers will enjoy equal op
portunity to caddy for party
leaders and plant seeds in all
divots. 'We will soon surpass
the American farm surpluses
by this method,' the Premier I
promised. The Premier accept
ed the American offer of Ezra
Taft Benson, a specialist in
managing to pile up surpluses,
to become a pro at the first
country club."
The treaty with Russia im
plementing this agreement be
comes the first ever wildly ac
claimed by Midwest Repub
licans. Senate Democrats
block the treaty, charge GOP
with appeasing Russia by
handing them the Democrats'
best whipping boy before the
election.
JULY Democrats convene
in Los Angeles for national
convention. After three days
of happy blood letting and
rip-roaring platform p 1 a t i -tudes,
Kennedy takes early
lead, followed by Humphrey,
Stevenson, Symington, John
son, Brown, Williams, Meyner
and Morse. After a week's
balloting, . Kennedy falters
and Humphrey moves ahead j
briefly, only to be overtaken
by Stevenson.
In Chicago, Republicans
gather in tails and mink for
a neatly packaged, non-controversial
convention to place
Ike's mantle on Dick's shoul
ders, with nothing to amuse
them but the Democratic free-for-all
in L.A. Nixon arrives
in Chicago wearing an Adlai
button and hinting to report
ers he hopes that's who his
opponent shall be. This ruins
Stevenson, and Truman tries
to stampede the convention
for Symington. Ike flies into
Chicago from the Yalta (not
a word about that place, you
understand!) summit meeting
and embraces Nixon. "He's
my boy." Balloting is de
ferred a day until lady del
egates can control their tears.
In L.A., Stu flubs because he
can't give 'em hell like Harry.
On first ballot at Chicago,
Alabama yields to California
for the Nixon nomination. Af
ter the most respectably ex
travagant demonstration Mad
ison avenue ever cooked up
for the TV audience, it ap
pears to be all over - until
one California delegate de
mands the delegation be
polled. Says his name is Joe
Smith and he's voting for
Rocky. Pandemonium breaks
j loose. The Stock Market shud
ders. Smith turns out to be
a Stanford classmate of Hat
field's. Nixon's inability to
carry own delegation sends
Rockefeller stock soaring.
Travis Cross checks Hatfield
out of Nixon's hotel and into
Rockefeller's. Nixon goes to
the hall to take command and
tells the convention he took
a sidewalk sampling that
morning which showed the
only persons who recognize
the Rockefeller name think
he is an old fuddy-duddy who
hands out dimes. "What kind
of an image is that?" demands
Nixon, "when everyone
knows you can't buy anything
with a dime anymore." Travis
moves back to Nixon's hotel.
The Democrats' 89th bal
lot shows Lyndon is limping,
Soapy is washed up, Meyner
is no major, and Pat Brown
is another Californian who
can't corral his own delega
tion.
In Chicago, as Nixon .and
Rocky alternately take and
lose the lead, and as Travis
grows wearier rushing to and
fro between hotels, Hatfield
awaits the winner at the
Stockyards Inn. "
In LA., Jebbie Davidson
sweet talks the tiring dele
gates and the western states
.iW t 1 Tk
jcratic convention with a daz
zling maneuver executed by
Monroe Sweetland, who
points out simply that the
only contender still fresh
enough to make an acceptable
acceptance speech is Wayne
Morse. "I have no illusions,
but if I don't accept this
nomination my enemies will
nominate me anyway," says
Oregon's favorite in humbly
taking the prize on the 132nd
ballot. Wall Street doesn't
know whether to buy, sell or
jump.
In Chicago, Republicans re
act as Sweetland privately
predicted and turn to Mark
Hatfield, on the 77th ballot,
to save the country from
Morse. Dick and Rocky make
a scramble for second place,
but the ticket needs an East
ern conservative and the GOP
picks Douglas MacArthur for
vice president. Herbert Hoo
ver embraces Mark and Mac,
"They're my boys."
AUGUST - Democrats still
looking for running mate ac
ceptable to Morse. Dick Neu-
berger announces he can'
support either presidential
candidate and will run as an
Nonpartisan Independent for
President to appeal to all
who hate partisanship and
would prefer a man who can
never be partisan again unless
there is no other way out.
Maureen announces for Dick!
Senate seat. Edith Green says
"Not without a ladylike
fight." Porter flies in from
somewhere but decides to stay
out of Senate race. "Foreign
heroics are child's play com
pared to battling Oregon';
lady politicians," decide
Charlie.
SEPTEMBER - Democrats
conclude they can find no run
ning mate good enough for
Morse. If elected. Morse vows
to handle both offices.
Hatfield invites MacArthur
to Salem for discussion of
campaign principles. The gen
eral emerges from governor i
new house and reads state
ment typed in New York be
fore he flew West. "We have
decided that in the best in
terest of the Nation, an ex
change of our roles is best,
The governor and I have de
cided that he will be MY run
nine mate:', Hatfield later
tells the press: "All I know is
the general was very persua
sive, and I was taught to re
spect my elders. .
OCTOBER - Rayburn and
Johnson fly to Washington for
conference with Ike, who then
calls Congress into special ses
sion to meet "national crisis.
Lyndon introduces proposed
Constitutional amendment re
pealing the presidential third
term ban and gets it passed by
sundown, when Morse arrives
from the campaign trail too
late to object. Rayburn calls
convention of the "Me Too'
nartv in Houston. It nomi
nates Ike for president and
Lyndon for veep. Morse de
n o u n c e s "reactionary ele
ments who put their own in
terests above America's his
toric two-party system." Says
MacArthur: "Doesn't Ike
know old soldiers are sup
posed to fade away?" Replies
Ike: "One of these candidates
would slice us into trouble
on the right, the other would
hook us into difficulty on the
left. The Nation demands a
president who can stay in the
middle of the fairway, and
I've had more experience than
anyone at this the last eight
vears."
NOVEMBER - Pausing
briefly from the life of lei
sure, the voters turn it over
once more to Ike and Lyndon,
then quickly return to tuning
their stereo sets, caulking
their boats, tinkering with
their sports cars and opening
their second homes to junior
and his beat pals who are us
ing it as a temporary pad un
til they can find something
worse.
Edith and Maureen end in
a tie for the Senate. Lyndon
saves everything by getting
Ike to appoint Dick Neuberg-
er Secretary of Interior and
Maureen Secretary of Health,
Education and Welfare - the
first husband-and-wife team
ever to sit in the cabinet, ac
cording to an anonymous ar
ticle in Harpers magazine.
m m h a r.a a m ai m.m mm m
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Dick's first decision is to move
Interior headquarters and its
fat payroll to Florence, Ore.,
where he is lionized by the
Western Lane Taxpayers as
sociation, which apologetical
ly drops its opposition to the
Oregon Dunes Seashore pro
posal. Maureen packs her
bathing suits for an inspection
tour of cranberry bogs.
DECEMBER - Supreme
Court rules in Porter's favor
on moon passport suit. "We
find that under the general
welfart clause it would be im
proper to prevent any mem
ber of Congress from leaving
HOPE TO MC AWARDS
Holly wood -JPD - Bob Hope
will be master of ceremonies
at the 32nd annual Academy
Awards presentation April 4,
the Academy of Motion Pic
ture Arts and Sciences an
nounced Thursday. Hope will
be the sole emcee on the 90
minute Oscar awards telecast.
the Earth. The intent of Con
gress in . this case is clearly
set forth in House Res. 99:
"Whereas it is the belief of
Congress that Rep. Porter is
the man most likely to go into
orbit, we hereby resolve to
lend him , our support and
wish him bon voyage."
The Nation is one year
further in debt to its leaders.
Aneurin Bevan
Seriously III
London -ft'PD- Aneurin Be
van, 62-year-old heir appar
ent to the leadership of the
Labor party, was still serious
ly ill in the hospital today, but
expected to improve gradual
ly. A bulletin issued late
Thursday night said "there
has been no appreciable
change in Mr. Bevan's condi
tion." Bevan underwent a major
abdominal operation at the
Royal Free hospital Tuesday.
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