Medford mail tribune., June 28, 1959, Image 54

HAWAIIAN TREAT
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'i C1959 HAWAIIAN PUNCH. INC., HILO. HAWAII
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BRAND NAMES FOUNDATION, INC.
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HAWAIIAN FRUIT
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Young ladies love the fun of
Hawniiun Punch. The circus-red
color, the candy-and-ice-crcam taste.
They call it their "Let's-Ha ve-A-PrtUy"
drink. And they like to have
a "party" every day. Particular
parents appreciate the fruit of
Hawaiian Punch. The 5 tropical
fruit juices, brimming with sunshine.
A ready-made, real-fruit punch.
EncoHFan f&t youngsters to
choose Ummiim Vvmytk mwt tiam
they help yom shm. Atkr that,
they'll do the eicowapiwa! Mom os
your favorite grocer's sMf 4 m
should your
by Sidonie Matsner Gruenberg with Llewellyn Miller
A leading writer, editor, and lecturer on
child development and parent education,
Sidonie Gruenberg is special consultant to
the Child Study Association of America. Her
latest book is "The Parents' Guide to Every
day Problems of Boys and Girls," published
by Random House.
Each year at this time when we are getting
ready to celebrate Independence Day and
our most treasured possession our freedom
of thought and action as citizens of democ
racy I remember the questions a thoughtful
young mother asked me on another Fourth
of July.
She had had a hard day dealing with prob
lems of independence on the home front. All
four of her lively youngsters had gone a bit
far in skirmishes for personal liberty, as even
the best-guided children do occasionally.
Fourteen-year-old Susie had spent the
morning with her best friend adding bronze
streaks to her blond hair. ("But it's my hair,
Mother!")
Eight-year-old Toby, inspired by the nov
elty of an allowance, had mortgaged three
weeks' income for a cat in his eyes a
sound growth investment since she was soon
to have kittens. ("But you said it was my
money to spend!")
Five-year-old Tommy had staged a temper
tantrum when told he couldn't go swimming
with his best friend. ("But I want to!")
The baby had upended his cup of milk into
his feeding tray, solemnly murmuring "No-no-no"
as he did so.
"What's wrong with them? Or with us?"
she asked. "In encouraging them to make
decisions for themselves, are we giving them
more independence than they can handle?
At what age can a child grasp the difference
between independence and just having his
own way?"
Those are among the most important ques
tions parents can ask themselves.
We want our children to be independent.
We also want them to be cooperative. This
is not the easiest combination to teach or to
learn. Growing up is the process of becoming
increasingly responsible for one's own be
havior and welfare within the framework of
respect for the rights and welfare of others.
The essence of effective guidance by par
ents is anticipating each child's readiness for
child be?
-
the next little freedom from control. We must
relax restraints, one after the other, so that
the child is free to take a new step toward
independence at the moment he is ready. We
must neither invite rebellion by holding him
back nor burden him by demanding responsi
bility and judgment beyond his capacity.
What Are the First Signs?
The urge to independence shows itself
early. In the first months of life the infant is
wholly dependent, but he is also an autocrat,
not concerned with any needs or wishes but
his own. He needs, and should have, immedi
ate loving response to his demands, for this
golden age of absolute power is soon over.
Once the baby starts to crawl, he must grasp
a huge new concept the hard meaning of
the word "No."
For his own protection, he must learn to
curb his impulse to touch the hot stove, chew
on electric-light wires, climb on the table.
He learns quickly that there is some kind
of connection between personal liberty and
paying attention to "No." Freedom to explore
the floor is dependent upon staying away
from the fireplace? Okay. But how about the
wastebasket? "No." Are books for tearing?
"No-no." Are cigarettes tasty? "No-no-no."
There is so much that toddlers must be
gently taught not to do that it is small won
der many parents make a refrain of "Don't,"
not realizing that serious problems with older
children are rooted in this period of "No"
and "Stop" prolonged beyond real need.
Here is where independence in its most
limited sense begins to show itself. If we
understand this and stop the tiny ones only
when necessary, our problems with them in
later years become much simpler.
"What's the matter with Jerry? All of a
sudden he opposes me in everything," said a
young mother bewildered by a very common
reaction of children between two and three.
"He says 'No' automatically even when he
men? 'Yes-' Yesterday, just to test him, I
said. Do you want this candy?' and he said
No! happily holding out his hand!"
Nothing was the matter with good little
Jerry. All he was doing was giving back the
word he was always hearing whenever he
initiated some project of his own, and show
ing his mother that he was feeling a bit
hemmed in.
"Ann pays no attention when I tell her to
Between the extremes
of giving him too much
freedom and too little
freedom lies the ideal
approach suggested by
this noted child-guidance
authority.
put away her toys. She goes right ahead with
whatever she is doing as if she were deaf,"
the mother of a three-year-old complained,
focusing on another aspect of a child's growth
toward independence.
This brings me to one of the most im
portant techniques in guiding children of all
ages to a comfortable balance of cooperative
ness and independence. Unquestioning obedi
ence is not an end in itself, not a basic virtue.
Our aim as parents is to guide children to
take their own responsibilities happily and
willingly. To do this, we must always con
Why use old-fashioned starch? Keep up-to-date!
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sider what is in the child's mind as well as
what we want.
"Stop that, ' and put your toys away,"
strikes Ann as a senseless suggestion when
she has turned from them and is absorbed in
building a house of blocks. It's unnatural, too.
Putting away toys does not represent order
to her. Actually, it represents disorder the
disturbance of things she has arranged to
suit herself. So she turns that well-known
deaf ear, or protests, "No!" and starts a
battle. The next step is punishment and tears.
"But she has to learn to be neat, and that
the house belongs to the whole family,"
argues her mother in the same words we hear
so often from parents of teen-agers.
She does, indeed, but an arbitrary com
mand is not the way to teach her neatness.
At three she does not comprehend orderli
ness except as something demanded by adults
for their convenience, not hers.
If Ann had been playing with sand and
pebbles, twigs and stones outside, no one
would have asked her to put them away.
Why is inside different? This is confusing.
Play is a child's work. Calling a child away
1 from play must be considered a serious in
terruption of his work. If we give fair warn
ing, and are as courteous about interrupting
as we would be with an adult, with some
thing such as, "It's almost time to stop now
for supper. I'll help you put the toys away
so we'll have them nicely in place when you
want them tomorrow," the child will respond
happily. He'll learn that toys, inside, must be
put away for safety and convenience.
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Making Restraints Count
It is necessary to hold the hand of a small
child at a street crossing. No spirited child
cares for this, but he will accept it in good
grace if his mother lets him go once the
hazardous crossing is passed, and says, "Now!
You can walk by yourself again." This lets
him know that he is not being restrained
arbitrarily or longer than needed for his pro
tection. It puts emphasis on his independence
to run freely when it is safe to do so, rather
than on the limitation of his freedom.
Patty, 14, suddenly finds it irksome to come
straight home from school "like a kinder
gartner." Her mother agrees that certainly
she is ready for a little more freedom. "Just
so long as you telephone and tell me which
of your friends you are visiting," she adds,
wisely combining a gratifying amount of in
dependence with supervision she still needs.
Each Child Is Different
Each new step toward independence is a
matter of delicate judgment. Recognizing
these important moments is a real challenge,
since children develop at widely different
rates. A new liberty for one child may be
totally inappropriate for another of the same
age, or under different circumstances.
Billy could be trusted to cross the street
alone when he was five. It was not safe for
his sister to do so until she was seven. This
was not a matter of difference in intelligence,
judgment, or capacity for independence. It
was entirely a matter of traffic having
speeded up enormously in the interim.
(Continued on page 26)
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family Weekly, June it, 195