Medford mail tribune. (Medford, Or.) 1909-1989, June 14, 1959, Image 47

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How NOT
to win an
Argument
by Harold. P Zelko
art by Don Margolis
Vou can disagree with a man
and still have him like you.
The adage that you never win an argument is
finding more and more basis in fact in this day
of improved human relations. You just don't win
arguments: you can only try to walk away from
one with as few scars as possible.
Although you may have a feeling of conquest,
even feel sorry for the way you vanquished your
"opponent," he may have escaped with fewer last
ing wounds than you did. There's no question that
a heated argument leaves both parties the worse
for wear, and there's a real question whether it
settles anything. Tfie best way to win an argument
is to avoid it!
Where does this leave us? Democracy is sup
posed to be based on differences of opinion and the
right to speak freely. In school we are taught to
reason and to prove our position with evidence and
facts. When the other person doesn't do this, don't
we have a right to show how wrong he is? Sure we
have such a right, and we should exercise it. If we
didn't, we'd be a bunch of Casper Milquetoasts.
The point is this: It isn't a question of whether
you should argue; it's the way you do it that is
important. People are bound to have different
points of view. We get the best laws, the best pro
duction methods, the best company policies as the
result of putting together a great many different
ideas. A healthy airing of diverse opinions is one
of the best ways to tackle a problem.
Let's see what it takes to do this and still main
tain good relations with people.
1. Avoid words of disagreement. As soon as you
say "I disagree," or "I don't agree with you," or
"I take issue with that," the other person stiffens
and is ready to fight back. Similarly, to call him
"ignorant," "foolish," "all wet," or just plain
"dumb" is to attack the man rather than what he
has said. It's much better to give him credit for his
viewpoint, state your own position, then proceed to
explain and back it up.
2. Recognize and resolve barriers. The biggest
barrier is the simple fact that people are different.
There is no escaping this. No two people are ex
actly alike, and it takes two people to make an
argument. The old man who liked to talk to him
self because, as he put it, "I like to talk to a smart
man and I like to hear a smart man talk," was
voicing the ideal. When you start mixing interests,
positions, backgrounds, experiences, prejudices,
and opinions, you strike basic barriers.
Language is another barrier, but it is largely the
result of all the others. Obviously, when we say
you should speak the language of the other person,
we mean that you should adjust to his interests,
attitudes, and feelings. Probably the key to re
solving these barriers is the development of a
"you" attitude, thinking of the other person and
his frame of reference, rather than self-interest.
3. Be pleasant in your manner. A pleasant man
ner starts with an attitude of consideration jor the
other person's feelings. This doesn't mean an arti
ficial smile and an insincere pretense that you care
how he feels. A pleasant and congenial manner
starts inside. Successful people realize that a gen
uine liking and. appreciation of others requires an
honest effort to understand them and their ideas.
With a proper attitude starting from the inside,
your manner will be alive, sincere, and properly
animated. Your voice will be calm and modulated,
yet you will reply with enthusiasm and conviction.
4. Conciliate. This is the essence of replying to
the other fellow's point while maintaining your
own point of view, without argument. This starts
by looking for areas of agreement and minimizing
differences rather than exaggerating them. You
start by giving him credit for what he has said, not
(Continued on page 22)
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iCS'iff CCMj. ' A 1959