16
IIOatE A2TO FARM MAGAZINE SEC1TON
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Stories With a Smile
Schoolboy Anatrers.
ATKACHEU iu ono of our poblia
schools gives a couplo of ex
amplos which indieato tho neces
sity for her bolng on tho job,
What is tho equator I" he asked
of little d'otcr Ford, whoso knowl
odgo of physical geography was well
known throughout tho school.
"Tho equator is a incnagorio lion
running around tho earth," Answered
tho lad, thereby establishing forever
his claim to fame.
"What boy will givo mo an example
of an imperative sentence t" Inqulrod
tho teacher.
"I will," spoko up Matty Now.
"John, throw the horso over tho fonco
sorao hay."
risin to Him.
Among thoso visiting an art oxhlbi
tlon held recently in San Antonio was
an old German, who wandered about
looking nt the paintings with inter
est, iSnally ho stopped bforo a por
trait which showed a man sitting in
a high-backed chair. Tacked to tho
framo was a small whlU) placard read
ing: "A Portrait of J. 1 Jones, by
Eimself."
Tho aged Teuton read tho card and
then chuckled sarcastically:
"Vot fools is deso art beoplee," ho
muttered. "Anybody dot looks at dot
pieturo vould know dot Jones is by
himself. Nobody clso is in der pic
ture. a
Making tho Tost.
A barber in a downtown shop, bar
ing been out lato tho night before, had
a shaky hand the noxt morning and
cut a patron's cbecl. four times. After
each accident the barber said, as be
sponged away tho bloed: "Ob, dear
me. how careless!"
The patron took all these gashes in
crae sileneo. But when the shave
was over he filled a glass at the
water cooler, took a mouthful of wa
ter, and, with compressed lips, pro
ceeded to shako his head from side
to side.
"What is tho matter!" tho harbor
asked. "You ain't got tho toothache,
hao you I"
"No," said tho customer. "I only
wanted to see if my mouth would still
hold water without leaking."
What Ho Didn't Understand.
A colored man who runs a prosper
ous truck farm in a Southern stato
was purchasing various articles at a
shop in Atlanta, when tho proprie
tor ventured to suggest that he need
cd a barometer. An instrument was
shown and the darky was treated to a
long statement about indications and
pressures and other things. Finally ho
interrupted tho shopkeeper with:
"Look heah, boss. I understands
"bout nil dat. What I wants to know
is, how do you set do thing when you
.wants it to raint"
V
Changing Around.
Neighbor Every time you feed your
dog ho brings tbo bones over and
gnaws them on my premises. Isn't
ihero some way 'to stop itf
Owner Suppose you feed him here
after, and then he will probably bring
them over and gnaw thorn on my
promises.
On the Captain's Deck.
It is hard to imagine the skipper of
a British man of war sleeping on tho
deck of his ship bctweon a couple of
bis stokers, but this has happened in
tho American navy.
It bapponed off Santiago during the
blockade in Commodore Schley's flag
ship, Brooklyn. No lights wero al
lowed to be shown from the ships at
sight, and, as this meant all port
holes shut, tho temperature below
decks was unbearable, livery man who
could slept on deck, the skipper
among them.
This officer laid himself down one
night on his quarter deck to snatch
a fow hours' rest. Ho was awakened
in the dawn, says tho Mirror, by hear
ing a sleepy voico next to him inur
Lur to a companion i "Darned if it
ain't tho cap'nt" And, opening his
eyes, ho saw two of his stokers rise
up suddenly from his sido and dis
appear swiftly for'aro. ,
How Ootfd Ho Know?
"King Lear is a great character,"
remarked tho friend. .
"Yes," answered tho actor. "1 sup
pose you remember my performance
last season!"
"No, I must confess I hae never
seen you in tho parti"
"Indecdl" was tho rejoinder In a
tono of gentlo surprise. "Tbon how
on earth did you know it was a great
character!"
Realistic.
Totted Daughter Thoy asked mo to
play at Mrs. Highup's this ovoning,
and I did; but "
Fond Mother (proudly) Were not
they entranced!
Totted Daughter Hum I Wbon I
played "A Life on the Ocean Wave"
with variations, half of thorn left the
room.
Fond Mother (ecstatically) That is
wonderful I They must havo felt sea
sick.
Easily Done.
They had boen making hay while the
sun shooo, and whoa they bad finished
a high haystack the farmer's boy shout
ed from tho tep: "Say, ralstor, how
am I going to get down!"
The farmer considered the problem
and finally solved it:
"Oh, jeat shet yor eyes as' walk
around a bit."
Couldn't Fool Him.
The chump bad bought a pair of
shoes in the city shop. "Now, can't I
sell you a pair of shoo trees!" sug
gested the clerk.
"Don't git fresh with me, sonny t"
replied the chump, bristling up: "I
don't believe shoes kin be raised on
trees any moro'n I believe rubbers
grow on rubber trees or oysters on the
oyster plants."
rutting Ons Over.
madly in loro with Gladys May, but
thero eamo ono of those silly little
quarrels, and tho fair one told tho
youth to leave her papa's porch.
John Henry did so. Moreover, he
kept on going, and it was something
liko ten years beforo ho returned to the
natjve haunts bo know so well.
At a ball ono night ho met the beau-
toons Gladys May, married now, and It
was with matronly condescension that
die elected to look ixm lilm.
"After ten long years wo meet ngntn,
Oladyf," said John Henry, eagerly stop
ping forward to take her hand, "I
trust thut you still remember me. '
"Lot mo see," uutred tho fair Gladys
May, with nn Indifferent expression
"Was it on or your brother who used
to lo nn old sweetheart of mine!"
"Really, 1 don't know," canto back
tho cruel response of John Henry,
"Probably it was my father."
arani'ma Bites.
Hobby (to grandmother) Grandma,
havo you over seen an rigino wagging
its ears
Grandma No; nonsense, Bobby. 1
never heard of an ongiuo having any
oar
Bobby Why, haven't you heard of
engineers!
But Not Alone.
Thoro is in Brooklyn a young recent
ly married coupto who have been hav
ing tho usual half pathetic mid wholly
amusing experiences incident to some
what limited means and total inex
perience Last Saturday, thero was n
hitch in tho delivery of the marketing,
and Sunday found them with a prae
tically empty larder. When dinnor time
eamo tho young wife burst into tears.
"Oh, this is borribto!" she wept.
"Not a thing in this homo for a dog
to eatl I am going homo to mamal"
"If you dont' mind, dear," tho hus
band exclaimed, as he visibly bright
enod and reached for his hat, "I'll go
with you!"
AU In Line.
Tho rehearsal was procredingly slow
ly. Tbo star had several complaint to
make and tho manager was losing pa
tience. Star Actor I must Insist, Mr.
Stager, on having real food in the bau
quot scons.
Manager Ycty well, then; if you in
sist on that you will bo supplied with
real poison in tho death scouo.
BULBS, ROSES, TREES
roit pai.1. ri.ANrtNO
nr.sr stock in tiiu west.
Wo lut ni intj, itirnl our slook
mi.l prf'r rhtrsra )on't bur unlit i
rut our NKW KKIC
I'm Oiftl OsUlef No, 90 Tills All.
.raois Seconds. oktlNDOhe.
GOING EAST or
COMING WEST
We can 5ix you Money ,
Unload rslM on ttoasthsM Oooes, Jo.
AaUimobllto. olo. Tamos coooollsssoS eyro
Insuring prvmpl dtlUorr s asocai
kindling,
IUI4 sad tnrormtlloa Uretsksi oo roqsoat
Pacific Coast Forwarding Coapaay
SOI WiWo BoiMias. PortUoJ Orosoa
What do you think
OFTHIS?
3,000,000 Acres
riNE FREE HOMESTEADS
and Montana Deeded Lands
18 to 140 an Acre
Ready for tho plow.
Yields 30 to CO bu. wheat.
Oats, barley, flax, hay, etc., la
proportion.
Finest Inland Climate.
Land Sold on Crop Faymeat
Plan.
Low faro Homeseekrrs' Ex
cursions on first and third
Tuesdays of each month.
Western Immigration Agent,
CM.ii BT. P. RY.
2nd and Cherry, Seattle, Wash.
Not the Cheapest
But the BEST
VIM
FLOUR
Made In Oregon
TheJobesMilfinfCo.
St JolussvPortUnfl, Orgoa
UAJ
WE ARE SO SURE
OF THE
QUALITY
OF '
Gold Shield
Coffee
That we ask you to give Gold Shield a
trial, feeling that you will then insist
on. Gold Shield when
buying coffee.
sSCHWABACHER BROS,
ft CO., be
Jkyflrtars anl Xoaattn of Ooff m
fatttlt, Waak
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If - aa sfasm ITM I
LIFI
HSALTH
ACCIDENT
One Policy
I VONTRAOT Oil
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