OPINION
A4 HERMISTONHERALD.COM
SATURDAY, JANUARY 3, 2015
EDITORIAL • COMMENTARY • LETTERS
HermistonHerald
VOLUME 109 ɿ NUMBER 1
JESSICA KELLER
EDITOR
jkeller@hermistonherald.com
541-564-4533
MAEGAN MURRAY
SEAN HART
SAM BARBEE
JEANNE JEWETT
REPORTER
mmurray@hermistonherald.com
541-564-4532
SPORTS REPORTER
sbarbee@hermistonherald.com
541-564-4542
REPORTER
smhart@hermistonherald.com
541-564-4534
MULTI-MEDIA CONSULTANT
jjewett@hermistonherald.com
541-564-4531
STEPHANIE BURKENBINE
MULTI-MEDIA CONSULTANT
sburkenbine@hermistonherald.com
541-564-4538
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The Battle of New
Orleans: the bicentennial
The gifts they
should’ve gotten J
H
ey guys. Did this
whole crazy holy
daze madcap bedlam
thing sneak up on you this
year, making the world
speed up like a maglev
Bullet Train going downhill
lit by a strobe, like it did
us? There’s a perfectly
reasonable explanation.
In 2014, Thanksgiving
fell on Nov. 27, making it a
mere 28 days between the
Turkey and the Tree. Next
year the gap grows by a day;
then two days for leap year,
until way way in the future,
Year of Our Lord 2018,
we’re talking maximum
separation: 33 days. And
\RXFDQEHWWKRVHH[WUD¿YH
days will seem a blessed
eternity, especially to our
poor bedraggled brothers
and sisters employed in the
online retail industry. Let the
drone-ducking commence.
So while we salute all
you incredibly stalwart
consumers for navigating
Demolition Derby parking
lots in the honorable quest
of sinking heavily into debt
to celebrate the birth of that
Jewish hippie kid, let us
also take this time to offer
up to the least deserving of
us, our annual scathingly
incisive yet perennially
trenchant WILL DUR$T’$
2014 XMA$ GIFT WI$H
LI$T. These are the presents
that folks presumably did
not receive wrapped in
brightly colored packages
under dangerously parched
¿UWUHHVEXWPRVWFHUWDLQO\
deserved.
For Barack Obama: A
Kevlar bubble, as he will
now be taking shots from
many vantages.
For CNN: Something to
talk about other than ISIS
and Ebola. And not ISIS
infected with Ebola.
For Alec Baldwin:
$QXQOLPLWHGUH¿OODEOH
prescription for Xanax in
a carrying case suitable for
travel.
For Democrats in
Congress: Scuba gear until
they learn to grow gills for
breathing underwater.
For Republicans in
Congress: Enough rope to
tie up Obama’s agenda for
two years, but not enough to
hang themselves with.
For Ted Cruz: A money
order in the exact amount of
a one-way ticket on the clue
train.
For Harry Reid: A big old
Letters Policy
WILL DURST
RAGING MODERATE
Cagle columnist
Lazy-Boy recliner so at least
he can be comfortable doing
nothing.
For Fox News: Hard
evidence that the credit card
used to pay for the rental
car that took terrorists to
the American Embassy in
Benghazi has been traced to
a shell corporation whose
CEO is Hillary Clinton’s
chief of staff.
For Malaysian Airlines: A
name change.
For Jeb Bush: A name
change.
For Mitch McConnell:
An oilcan.
For Elizabeth Warren:
A lingering bug to hit
Hillary Clinton clearing the
'HPRFUDWLF¿HOGIRU
For Joe Biden: A
lingering bug to hit Hillary
Clinton and Elizabeth
Warren clearing the
'HPRFUDWLF¿HOGIRU
For Kentucky Senator
Rand Paul: More
Republicans to support his
run for the Presidency and
less Democrats.
For Speaker of the
House John Boehner: A
JLIWFHUWL¿FDWHJRRGIRU
one surgical procedure to
remove that unsightly Tea
Party growth clinging to his
back.
For Medical Science to
study: Dick Cheney’s heart.
George Bush’s brain. And
Barack Obama’s leadership
skills.
For Scott Brown: Cheap
property in either Vermont
or Maine. Or both.
For Shia LaBoeuf: A
muzzle. Permanent. Steel.
Welded with titanium
rivets.
For Brad Keselowski: A
sponsorship deal with UFC.
For Miley Cyrus: A
sponsorship deal with any
designer who can provide
actual clothes.
For Bill Cosby: Harry
Potter’s invisibility cloak.
For Fidel Castro: A
tricked out 2015 Ford F-150
to replace that 59 Chevy.
— Copyright ©2014,
Will Durst, distributed by
the Cagle Cartoons Inc.
syndicate. Will Durst is an
award-winning, nationally
acclaimed political comic.
Email Will at durst@cagle-
cartoons.com
The Hermiston Herald welcomes original letters for
publication on public issues and public policies. Submitted
letters must be signed by the author and include the city of
residence and a daytime phone number. Phone numbers
will not be published. Letters may be mailed to the
Hermiston Herald, 333 E. Main, Hermiston, OR, 97838;
or emailed to editor@hermistonherald.com
ust a reminder: Jan.
8 marks the 200th
anniversary of the
Battle of New Orleans, the
last major encounter of
The War of 1812.
Depending on your
perspective, you may
greet that news in
different ways, such as
³:RZ7LPHÀLHV´RU³,
need to dust off my old
KLVWRU\WH[WERRN´RULI
you work for the Veterans
Administration, “Keep
your shirt on! We’re
almost up to that point on
WKHEDFNORJRIFDVHV´
Perhaps you assumed
you’d already missed the
bicentennial of the end of
the War of 1812, but the
FRQÀLFWDFWXDOO\UDQJHG
from June 18, 1812
until Feb. 18, 1815. The
Federalist Party couldn’t
raise enough votes to dub
it The War of 1812 And
Change.
Many Americans
at the time of the war
fancied it “the second
$PHULFDQ5HYROXWLRQ´
Of course this sequel
was lacking George
Washington, Betsy
Ross, Paul Revere and
the Minutemen. It was
sort of the “straight to
YLGHR´ZDU/DUU\WKH
Cable Guy was probably
peddling grapeshot
ammunition for this one.
If you think the
War of 1812 gets little
respect in the U.S., it’s
barely commemorated
at all in Great Britain.
That’s partly because
they considered it
just an offshoot of the
DANNY TYREE
TYRADES!
Cagle columnist
Napoleonic Wars and
partly because they’re
still mad about not
trademarking “The
(PSLUH6WULNHV%DFN´
When I was in high
school, I had a hard
time grasping one of
the causes of the war.
The “impressment of
$PHULFDQVDLORUV´
meant that the British
did not recognize
British-born sailors
on American ships as
American citizens and
began kidnapping them
to serve in the British
navy. All I heard was
that the British navy was
“impressing American
VDLORUV´,FRXOGMXVW
imagine them bragging,
“Check out these abs!
Pretty good for someone
who eats limes, huh?
And watch me wiggle
P\WHHWK´
One lasting aspect
of the War of 1812 was
our national anthem.
The unsuccessful
British bombardment
of Baltimore’s Fort
McHenry inspired
Francis Scott Key to
pen “The Star-Spangled
%DQQHU´,PDJLQHLI
the anthem had been
inspired by America’s
attempts to annex
Canadian territory.
(“This land is your land,
this land is my land...
and, oh, yeah — THAT
land is your land, that
ODQGLVP\ODQG´
Remember August
1814 and the British
burning of Washington,
D.C.? The first impulse
of First Lady Dolly
Madison was to save
priceless paintings from
the White House. Today
if the city was on fire,
the first impulse of the
first lady would be to
demand, “Who let Biden
SOD\ZLWKPDWFKHV"´
The Battle of
New Orleans is
best remembered
for inspiring a 1959
country song written by
Jimmy Driftwood and
performed by Johnny
“One lasting aspect of the
War of 1812 was our national
anthem. The unsuccessful British
bombardment of Baltimore’s Fort
McHenry inspired Francis Scott Key
to pen “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
Horton. (“In 1814 we
took a little trip/Along
with Colonel Jackson
down the mighty
0LVVLVVLSS´+LV
military service helped
propel Major General
Andrew Jackson to the
presidency, although
Old Hickory later told a
biographer, “Community
organizer! That’s what
I meant to sign up
for instead of major
JHQHUDO´
Although the War
of 1812 weakened the
Native Americans and
emphasized the value
of the U.S. Navy, most
historians consider
it a military/political
stalemate. The status
quo remained, and
there were no boundary
changes. That’s right:
It changed nothing.
(“Sort of like Mom’s
ELUWKGD\V´VLJKHG
Prince Charles.)
Spend Jan. 8
remembering the
war’s casualties. And
contemplating life with
a Bruce Springsteen
anthem. (“Yaaaaaankee
Doodle’s comin’ to
town...Yaaaaaankee
Doodle’s comin’ to
WRZQ´
— ©2015 Danny
Tyree. Danny welcomes
reader e-mail responses
at tyreetyrades@aol.com
and visits to his Face-
book fan page “Tyree’s
Tyrades.” Danny’s week-
ly column is distributed
exclusively by Cagle
Cartoons Inc. newspaper
syndicate
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Community generosity
greatly appreciated
Editor,
Thanksgiving and Christmas
were made a little brighter by volun-
teers for the Community Fellowship
Dinners. Volunteers came from area
churches, businesses and homes.
There were 814 meals served on
Thanksgiving Day. The dinner was
a traditional Thanksgiving feast
with roasted turkey, mashed pota-
toes and gravy, veggies, a cornbread
roll, a huge variety of pies and as-
sorted beverages. Our Christmas
day meal, which served 561 meals,
included baked ham with raisin
sauce, mashed potatoes, ribbon-cut
carrots, fruit salad, roll, pies and as-
sorted beverages, along with a limit-
ed amount of roasted turkey.
Thank you to all the volunteers,
participating churches and local
businesses who make this minis-
try possible. Your gifts of money,
time and products continue to be a
blessing to those who participate.
Everyone’s generosity is greatly
appreciated. Your support and do-
nations bless many throughout our
community.
May God continue to bless the
generosity and caring to neighbor
to neighbor in and throughout our
community and the surrounding ar-
eas.
LAURIE S. BALL-KISER, ORGANIZER
COMMUNITY FELLOWSHIP DINNERS
ELECTED OFFICIALS
STATE
District 29: Sen. Bill Hansell,
R-Umatilla Co., 900 Court St. N.E.,
S-423, Salem, OR 97301, 503-986-
1729. 101 S.W. Third St., Pendleton,
OR 97801 (541) 278-1396. E-mail:
ssen.billhansell@state.or.us.
District 30: Sen. Ted Ferrio-
li, R-John Day; 900 Court St. N.E.,
S-223 Salem, OR 97301, 503-986-
1950. 750 W. Main, John Day, OR
97845, (541) 575-2321. E-mail: ferr-
ioli.sen@state.or.us.
District 58: Rep. Bob Jenson,
R-Pendleton; 900 Court St. N.E.,
H-480, Salem, OR 97301, 503-986-
1458. 2126 N.W. 21st., Pendleton,
OR 97801, (541) 276-2707. E-mail:
rep.bobjenson@state.or.us.
District 57: Rep. Greg Smith,
R-Morrow, 900 Court St. N.E.,
H-280, Salem, OR 97301, 503-986-
1457. P.O. Box 215, Heppner, OR
97836, (541) 676-5154. E-mail:
smith.g.rep@state.or.us.
FEDERAL
U.S. Sen. Ron Wyden
Sac Annex Building, 105 Fir St.,
No. 201, La Grande, OR 97850;
(541) 962-7691. E-mail: kath-
leen_cathey@wyden.senate.gov;
(Kathleen Cathey, community repre-
sentative); 717 Hart Building, Wash-
ington, D.C. 20510, (202) 224-5244.
U.S. Sen. Jeff Merkley
One World Trade Center, 121 SW
Salmon Street, Suite 1250, Portland,
OR 97204; (503) 326-3386; Dirksen
6HQDWH 2I¿FH %XLOGLQJ 6'%%
Washington, D.C. 20510. (202) 224-
3753.
U.S. Rep. Greg Walden (2nd
District)
843 E. Main St., Suite 400, Med-
ford, OR 97504, (541) 776-4646,
(800) 533-3303; 2352 Rayburn
+RXVH2I¿FH%XLOGLQJ:DVKLQJWRQ
D.C. 20515, (202) 225-6730