Gresham outlook., August 14, 1914, Page 20, Image 20

Iß
TTOME AXT) F A R M MA G A Z IX E SECTTO X
Stories With a Smile
who was dining with his best girl. " I s
he a friend of yours»”
“ Yes, indeed, I know him well,”
laughed the maiden.
“ Shall I ask him to join u s i”
“ Oh, George!” said the girl, blush­
ing; “ this is so sudden.”
“ Suddenf What do you m eant” he
asked in surprise.
“ Why—why, th a t’s our young min­
ister. ”
A Poet's Dreamr.
“ Do you think I'in going to have
Apropos of Marshall B. Kernoehan, yanking out my teeth in the dark»’;
who makes $30 a year by writing music,
a magazine poet said:
“ To make $30 a year out of music is
pretty good. I t ’s as much as I, a suc­
cessful poet, make out of verse.
“ When they see my poetry in all the
magazines people think that I live at
the Ritz-Chariton. Alas, they don’t
know the magazine poetry rates.
“ A youDg lady said to me the other
day:
“ I like your poetry so much. I have
Big Values
often heard the expression—beautiful as
in Used Cars
a poet's cream. Tell me, what are
poet’s dreams like»’
»
“ A used ear bought from tbs
“ ‘ Well, my dear young lady,’ I re­
Winton Company is worth 30
per
cent more than its duplicate
plied, ‘mine are usually about three
anywhere else.’’ tVe hear thia
square meals a day, clean linen and
statement every day. The rea­
an occasional 5-cent cigar.’ ”
son is plain when it is remem­
Has a Boss Now.
AFE CHOATE, the man who hitched
his wife to a plow with two mules
and plowed with her in the fields
three years ago, has taken a second wife
—and there's another story.
Choate got married again last week,
Miss Bessie Evans of Kansas City being
his bride. At the time Judge John Steep
Classification Desired.
warned Miss Evans of Choate's chars3
ter.
It may be a perennial, but it sounded
“ Oh, I know all about him,’’ she re good in the Stock Exchange smoking
plied. ' ‘If there’s any plowing to be room, where the broker told it as the
output of his own offspring.
done he’ll do it.”
“ Pop, are you a bear or a bull»”
She apparently has made her threat
good. Choate, the terrible, is waiting on asked the young hopeful at the break­
his wife as a courtier waits on a queen, fast table.
“ How can that possibly interest you,
the neighbors say.
Perhaps the reason is that his bride my boy t ’ ’
An Ancient Calf.
“ ’Cause I ’ve heard you called both
weighs 200 pounds. Choate was nearly
Awkward mistakes occur sometimes
lynched by the farmers of Clay county by gentlemen visiting here, and I ’d like
three years ago, and the fright also to know whether I am a cub or a calf. ’ through falling into certain mannerisms
of expression. A parson had a habit of
may have tamed his disposition. A di­
frequently saying “ for years and years
vorce followed his prosecution and term
Evidently Used Up.
and years” in the course of a sermon.
of ten days in jail at that time.
Mrs. Meadowland (early morning)— He was preaching on the Prodigal Son,
“ I guess that city geitieman we took and spoke of him sitting down in that
Called Him Down.
to board for the summer ain’t much far off land thinking of the home that
At a social affair the other night the used to travelin’ in the cars. He must he had not seen “ for years and years
conversation turned to justifiable re a ’ been all fagged out when he got and years. ”
monstrances, when Congressman Frank here yesterday, though he didn’t say
This was all right, but presently he
B. Willis of Ohio was reminded of the nothin’ about it.”
spoke of the welcome to his old home,
rebuke administered by a pretty girl
Farmer Meadowland—“ He looked and of the calf which his father had
named Marie.
cheery enough.”
kept in anticipation of that happy day.
One afternoon some time ago Marie
Mrs. Meadowland—“ Yes, but there it
“ Yes,” Baid he, dropping into his
called on her dearest girl chum, and is 'most four o ’clock and breakfast all favorite cadence for the winding up of
soon the two fairies were deep in the ready, and he a in ’t waked up yet.”
a sentence, “ yes, the calf which he had
details of the gowns and things seen
kept for years and years and years! ”
at a reception the evening before.
Then somebody laughed.
Happy Man.
“ And do you know, Alice,” confi
The school teacher was trying to find
dentially murmured Marie, when the
Running No Risk.
subject reverted to the guests, “ Harry from a tiny child the name of his fath­ One gloomy day a young countryman
er. lie seemed quite unable to think
had the nerve to kiss me on the fore
went to a dentist to have a tooth ex­
of it, so to help him she asked:
head.' ’
tracted. Seeing the patient’s obvious
“ What do you call him !”
“ You don't really mean i t l ” was the
nervousness, the dentist inquired:
“ I call him father,” was the reply.
horrified rejoinder of Alice. “ I suppose
“ Would you like ga«i”
“ Well, what does your mother call
you called him down»”
“ Would I like gasf Of course, I ’d
him !' ’
“ I certainly did,” sweetly answered
like gas,” exclaimed the irate patient.
The response was eloquent.
Marie. “ About four inches.”
“ SI* doesn't call him anything—she
likes him.”
L
She Meant Well.
Bishop McDcwell has recovered from
recent illness sufficiently to receive his
friends and entertain them with a story
now and then. Some years ago the
bishop was presiding over a confer
ence in the South. At the close of the
session an old negro mammy who had
been an interested listener throughout
the proceedings approached the bishop
to congratulate him.
A ll s done attended confunces hyah
since befo’ de wah,” she said. “ Ah
seen Bishop Simpson a n ’ Bishop Fow
ler a n ’ Bishop Merrill, but Ah nevah
saw no bishop wh) could preside lak
you. ’ ’
Bishop McDowell thanked her for the
Compliment and was about to turn away
But, ” added the old t egress, “ A h’m
getting on in veahs now; A h’s pretty
old, an Ah speekt mah judgment a in ’t
»o good as it once wab.”
Unnecessary Noise.
The Kind He Wanted.
“ Why are you so q u iet!” lie asked.
“ There’s nothing the m atter,” she re­
plied.
‘But you haven’t said a word for
twenty minutes.”
‘ Well, I didn’t have anthing to say. ’ ’
‘Don’t you ever say anything when
you have nothing to say»”
•No.”
’ Angel! Will you be my wife»”
Then He Could Sleep.
“ Doctor,” said he, “ I'm a victim of
insomnia. I can't sleep if there’s the
least noise, such as a cat on the back
fence, for instance.”
‘This powder will bo effective,” re
plied the physician, after compounding
prescription.
“ When do I take it, Doctor»”
“ You don take i t You give it to
tho cat in a little milk.”
The young man and the girl were
Shady.
standing outside the front door, having
‘Well, did yon discover anything in
a final chat after his evening call. He
was leaning against the doorpost, talk­ Stump's past life that we can use
ing in low tones. Presently the young against him»”
Detective: “ Not a thing. All he ever
lady looked round, to discover her
father in the doorway, clad in a dressing did before he came here was to sell awn-
ngs.”
gown.
Election Agent: “ Why, th a t’s just
“ Why, father, what In the world is
the m atter»’’ she inquired.
hat we w ant We'll say that he has
“ Jah n ,’ said the father, addressing been mixed up in some decidedly shady
himself to the young man, “ you know 1 transactions. ”
have never complained about your stay
ing late, and l am not going to eomplain
An Installment
of that now; but for goodness sake stop
It
was
on
a Broadway car. A passen
leaning against the bellpush and let the
ger stooped and picked up a coin from
rest of the family get some sleep.”
the floor. Three of the other passen­
gers eyed him with envy.
Lowest Bidder.
“ Which of you people dropped a five-
“ I have come to ask for the hand dollar gold piece»”
I did!” yelled each of the three.
of your daughter,” announced the
Well,” said the finder to the man
young man.
“ Have a chair,” said her fs’her, nearest him, “ here’s a nickel of i t ”
kindly. “ I presume yon have made an
estimate of what it r ill cost to keep
Phone Main 17»»
my daughter in the style to which she
LIFE
has been accustomed»”
HEALTH
“ I have, sir.”
“ And /our figures»”
ACCIDENT
“ Ten thousand dollars a year.”
“ I ’m orry, my boy,” said the older
man, “ but I cannot iftord to throw
away $-.000 a year. Another rmtor has
figured he can do it fo> R.000. ”
bered that no traded in car ia
offered here for sale until it has
been thoroughly overhauled in
our own shops by Winton ex­
perts and brought up to the
Winton standard of automobile
excellence.
If you can appreciate what
thia enhanced value means you
will send NOW for our com­
plete list of high-grade “ used
car bargains.
It goes without saying that a
rt built car of high grade manu­
facture which has boen operated
only 10 per cent of its real mile­
age, teat can be purchased at 50
per cent of the original price
will prove far more satisfactory
and much leas expensive than
a cheap car bought new.
Very little money will NOW
buy ono of these rebuilt cars
that will give the beat satisfac­
tion in both service and appear­
ance Send today for our latest
complete bargain liafc-
- THE -
WINTON MOTOR CAB CO.
Portland, Oregon.
Spokane, Wash.
Seattle, W ash.
H O M ESTEAD S
In Sunny Alberta, Western Canada
Why pay $30.00 to be located when you can get the same service
and information for $3.00» We have located several hundred on home­
steads in Western Canada the last past 10 years and have always charged
Fifty Dollars for location fee. We have decided to change our system.
Instead of having you come to our office and we personally take charge
of you and locate you, we will give you the information by mail for
Three ($3.00) Dollars. We know where the best lands are that are open
for filing and settlement. We will give you full information telling you
where to go, where the land is, what kind of land you can get in various
parts of Western Canada. We will inform you where you can get all
prairie or all timber; or where you can get partly prairie and partly
timber land. The claims will be close to railroad and town. Level black
loam soil, only 12 to 15 feet to water, creeks through many of tbe claims.
Will direct you to lands adapted for grain raising, on lands best for
raising cattle, or on tho best mixed farming lands in Western Canada.
Any one of these claims is worth a life time of saving to you. Will
give you information regarding maps, plats, etc. Will give you the
name and address of a reliable land guide in the vicinity where you
want to go that will put you on the land. Will give you full informa­
tion regarding the location of the railroad, how far it has been built,
where it is in operation, etc., etc., and how to get your Homeseeker’s
rates and tickets; and all information concerning price, terms and lease
rent on all Hudson Bay Lands in Western Canada. This all for $3.00,
which remit us by P. O. money order and we will give you the informa­
tion to get a Homestead that will mako you independent
C A N A D IA N
HOM ESTEAD
73 SIXTH STREET, PORTLAND, OREGON.
CO.
S U R E N E W W A Y T O K IL L R A T S
—
Never fails; kills every time; does the
work in a single night; embalms the rat;
dries it up; leaves no bad effects; no bad
odors; no taste; no smell; rats like it; not
an experiment; no danger; no risk; money
back if it fails to do all that is claimed
for It
If you are bothered with rats about your p-emises—the house, barn,
chicken house, other buildings—M BALM-R will get rid of them very
quickly. The average rat on the farm steals and destroys $5 worth of
gram and chickens every year; save this loss by getting rid of every rat
on the place; save enough to pay your taxes. Our embalmer is guaran­
teed to do the work. Price $2.50; big package sent by express, prepaid.
C H E M IC A L P R O D U C T S C O . 3 P o ^ r o ® ^ *
Clip thia Coupon a id m ail to tho H o
o r n e » for fu ll Inform ation.—Me
obll<a'.ion lncurrod.
Name:
Addrena:
nearest b ir th d a y ..................
.A m t. Inaaranee d u ((o a to d :
No Wonder She Blushed.
“ That’s a nice looking fellow w h o 's)
just come
ia, ”
said the young mi
V O N T R ACT
3-1
NSURANCE CO.
HOME OFFICE— SEATTLE, U. 8. A.
• • •• • ** • •• •• • <