16
HOME ANT) FARM MAGAZINE SECTION
Stories With a Smile
M ILE S w eaved through the feature«
o f Congressman A aher C. H inds of
M aine th e o th er evening when the
talk d rifte d to dom estic felicity. He
said ho was rem inded o f an incident in
the homo o f Jones,
Jones was sittin g in th e den one night
glancing over the sp orting pages. Op
poaite him sat little w ifev m aking some
thin g with a k n ittin g needle. Suddenly
m other glanced up.
“ Jo h n Henry, ” said she, “ drop th a t
paper a m inute. I w ant to ask you a
question. ’’
W hat is it, d e a r ! ” was the obedi
ent response o f John Henry.
,
It ® ju s t th is ,“ returned wifey.
“ If you were single again and I were
single again, would you usk me to m arry
you»”
1
Look
here,
M ary ’• exclaimed
fath e r a littlo energetically, “ w hat do
you w ant to s ta rt som ething fo r wheu
we have settled down for a nice quiet
e v e n in g f”
S
John siowly climbed th e sta irs and
shut the trapdoor. The Btorm howled
and raged. Two hours later th e fam ily
g athered for tea. When the meai was
h alf over, A unt Mary had not appeared,
and Mrs. F lint started an investigation
She did not have to ask many questions;
J-iiin answ ered th e first one:
“ Please, m other, she i* up on the
ro o f.' *
P rep arin g the W ay.
Claude had disobeyed his parents, and
his m other knew it.
“ I am a f r a id ,” she said, “ th a t when
I tell your fa th e r w hat you have been
doing th is forenoon he will punish you
severely. ’ ’
“ H ave you got to tell him, M o th e r!”
asked the boy.
“ Y es,” was the reply; “ I shall tell
him im m ediately a fte r d in n e r.’ ’
How She W as Recognized.
“ Well, M o th er,’’ said the boy, “ give
M ary met Em ily on the street. They him a real good dinner, w o n 't you! You
tail not seen each other for m any years. m ight do as much as th a t fo r m e.’’
“ Why, how do yon d o !’ ’ exclaim ed
M ary, effusively, topping o ff the sahita
W onderful Training.
tion w ith a few vague peeks r t E m ily ’s
Mr. C raig was reading the evening
face,
paper, while his w ife sat n ear by, knit
“ Now this is d e lig h tfu l,’ ’ said Emily, ting.
who was older than M ary. “ You
“ Ju s t listen to this, D ebby,” he said.
h a v e n 't seen me for eleven te a rs, and
y et you know ine a t once I co u ld n 't
have changed so dreadfully in all th at
time. I t fla tte rs m e.’’
Said M ary: “ I recognized your bon
net. ’ ’
U tte rly Useless.
“ J o h n ,” asked Mrs. D orkins, “ w hat
is a ‘ political con g a m e ’! ’’
Why, i t ’s— i t ’s a fram e up, 7°”
k n o w .”
“ Yes, but w hat is a fram e-up!
<<A—er— piece of bunk, of course;
c a n ’t you------ ”
“ W hat is a piece of b u n k !
“ Oh, sh u c k s!” exclaimed Mr. Dor-
kins. “ W h a t’s the use of try in g to
tell a woman an y th in g about politics
MOVIES MAKE MONEY
D id n 't Need a Vehicle.
An affab le agent approached a Texan
whose record he had previously ac
quain ted him self with.
“ C olonel,”
said he, “ those arc m ighty fine boys
o f y o u rs.”
“ Tho finest ever, s tra n g e r,”
ac
quiesced tho colonel. “ The fin est in
Texas. ”
“ I reckon you buy them an y th in g
they w a n t! ”
“ W hy sure, stran g er; I buy them
an y th in g they need, w hether th ey w ant
it or not. ”
“ Then, colonel, let me sell yon a
cyclopaedia for them. T h ere's nothing
else th a t will b enefit them so m uch.”
Tho colonel looked at the agpnt in
astonishm ent. “ Why, stra n g e r,” said
he, “ them boys of mine d o n ’t need no
cylopaedia. They ride bosses. ”
Jo h n so n 's E nlistm ent.
They were speaking o f arm y service
at a social session .lie o th er night when
' ongressman Henry T. Helgenscn of
N orth D akota sm ilingly said he was re
minded o f the enlistm ent of Jim John
son.
Johnson enlisted w ith tho usual on
Ihusiasm , th e Congressman said, but he
had not been in the arm y two days be
fore he made the m istake o f tw isting
his face into th e shape o f disdain whilo
the hash was being served.
“ W h a t’s tho m atter with you there,
Jo h n s o n !” im periously dem anded an o f
ficer who had observed tho facial con
tortion. “ D o n 't you like th a t so u p !”
“ No, s ir ,” was the fran k rejoinder
of Johnson, “ it is lull o f sand and g rit,
sir. ’ ’
M ental Reserve.
“ It is, is i t f ” lo ftily returned the o f
G entlem en, I c a n ’t lio about the
ficer. “ Well, did you come here to
horse; he
blind in one e y e ,” said the
grum ble, or to servo v tu r c o u n try !”
auctioneer.
” 1 camo here to serve my country,
Tho horse was soon knocked down to
s i r ,” politely answ ered Johnson, “ but
a citizen, who hail been g reatly struck
not to eat i t . ”
by the au ctio n eer's honesty, and a fte r
paying for the liorso he raid:
Applied N atu ral Philosophy.
“ You were honest enough to tell th at
Put had been engaged to fako a trunk th is anim al u blind in ono eye.
Is
neross tho lake, lie placed tho trunk th re any o th er d e fe c t!”
in the bow of the boat, with the result
“ Yes, sir; th ere is. lie is also blind
th a t ho bont tipped fi rw ard.
in tho o th er e y e ,” wa the prom pt re
Man (on the d o ck )— W hat are yon ply.
row ing w ith th a t tru n k in the bow of
the boat for, I’n tf
A D irty Job.
i ’a t —Sure, a n ’ if it was in the stern
“ Ju st look :.t the wonderful color of
w o u ld n 't I be ro w in ' uphill all the the s e a !” exclaim ed a to u rist on his
tim e! A n ’ th is way I'm rowing dow n first M editerran ean cruise. “ See how
hill all tho time!
blue it is! ”
“ T h a t’s not s tra n g e ,” growled a
trav eler who had lately run the gnmnt
■*
Suitable.
“ I suppose,” rem arked Mrs. Brown, of th e N eap o litan pensions and was
“ No wonder
• ‘ now n v iato rs are becoming so Dinner theret'oro disillusioned.
ons and are actually holding aeroplane i t 's blue. Y ou'd be blue yourself if you
c n tests lint we may expect to see a had to wash the shores of Italy ! ”
weekly p«|>er published in th eir in te r
H ard on Tat,her.
ests. ”
Do you try to make home life pleas
“ O h ,” said Sm ith, “ there bar been a
su itab le paper on sale for a long time a n t for your s o n ! ”
“ Y es,” replied F arm er C o rn ,asset
now. ”
“ But i t 's m ighty hard to live up to the
“ Indeed, W hat
its n a m e !”
refined w ays he insists on. I'm a n
“ Fly p a p e r.”
n o y in ’ him terrib le because when I'm
w o rk in ' around the b: rn I keep for
Ho Learned Ills Value.
A to u rist in S cotland came to a wide g e ltin ' to re fe r to the bay lo ft as the
ferry . It was storm y and the wind was m ezzanino flo o r.”
con stan tly increasing The Scotch ferry
O vertaken.
man agreed to tak e the to u rist across,
It
was
a
w
izened
little man who ap
but told him to wait un til l*e had first
penred before th e judgo and charged
taken a cow across.
When he bad returned and started his w ife w ith cruel and abusive treat
across w ith th e trav eler the la tte r be ment. H is b e tte r liaif was a big,
square jaw ed woman, w ith a determ ined
came curious.
Will you tell me why you took the eye.
“ Tn th e first place, where did you
eow across and made me w a it! ” he
meet th ia woman who has treated you
asked.
“ Weel, n o w .” explained the ferry so d re a d f u lly !” asked the judge.
“ W ell,” replied tho little m an, mak
man, “ you see the coo wnr valuable,
and 1 feared t h ’ wind wild increase so ing a b rav e attem p t (a glare d efian tly
t h ’ b o at m ight upset on t h ’ second at his w ife, “ 1 never did m eet her. She
ju st kind o f overtook m e.”
trip ! ”
Obedienea.
Mrs. F lin t ntw ays dem anded instan t
and unquestioning ebedienge from her
children. One afternoon a storm cam«-
up, and she sent her sen John to elono
the trapdoor leading to the root.
“ But, m other------” said John.
“ John, I told you to »hut tho tra p
door. ”
“ Yos, but, m other— ”
“ John, sh u t th a t tra p d o o r!”
“ All rig h t, m other, if yen say to,
b u t------”
“ Jo h n !”
“ I t says here in the paper th a t ran»
than 5,000 elephants a y e a r go to uiakn
our piano k ey s.”
“ G racio u s!” cried th e wife. “ A in ’t
it ju s t w onderful, Dan, w hat some ani
mals can be train ed to do! ”
P h on a M ain I T i l
L ira
HEALTH
ACCIDENT
» O n e P o l i c y
pO
M ì“ «»»
V O N T R A C T g „ J
National Amusement Company
PORTLAND, OREGON.
Licensed Under Blue Sky Law by Corporation Commission of Oregon.
DIRECTORS.
M elvin G. W instock, President
N ational Am usem ent Co.
John S. B eall, Coast Culvert &
Flum e Co.
W. E. Coman, Gen. Mgr. North
w estern E lectric Co.
A. S. Stephens, Mgr. P acific
Coaat Coat Co.
D epositary—
Scandinavian American Bank.
Offers For Sale a Limited
Amount of Stock in
its Company.
Tho N ational Theater, now being erect
ed, so as to bo open and r e a d y f o r L u l i
n e . . S e p t e m b e r 30 ,
w ill be ono of tho
finest M oving P icture T heaters in P ort
land. and w ill pay largo m onthly cash
dividends. F u llest investigation invited.
Shares $100.
<*
WRITE FOR FULL DETAILS.
NATIO NA L A M U SEM EN T CO.,
Room 3, P itto ck Block, P ortland, Oregon.
Please send me com plete inform ation about stock in your
company.
W hich Piano
^^5?
Shall I Buy?
It’s a Puzzling Problem—But we can help
you solve it.
Z
H ouse of O riginality
Bush & Lane F ianos stand fo r suprem e excel
lence of piano construction. They aro m agnificent
in tone, touch, d u rab ility and o rig in ality of design.
Remember this—
You are buying a P iano once in your lifetim e—be fa ir w ith your
self, see them, hear them —before you m ake your purchase.
I t 's tho g reatest Piano m anufactured in the world today. Come in
—w e ’ll tu rn it inside out before your eyes and show you why.
A fte r yon see it— if vou w ant to think it over fu rth e r—t h a t ’s all
right— it'» a delight to show it.
Some special bargains in used standard m ake Pianos tak en in ex
change on Bush & Lane instrum ents, from $93 up.
B ush & L an e P ian o
433 5 W A SHIN GTO N STREET
P ortland, Oregon.
M A NU FACTURERS
W H OLESALERS
R E T A IL E R S
<5*>
o"'
'
/
»V* ,.©
House of O riginality
«5®
S'
C lip t h is C oupon and m a ll to th » R a a a a
O ffic e for fu ll In fo r m a tio n .— N o
a b llx a tlo n In cu rred .
N am a:
Addi
O aeu p aU an i
J t x a naaraat b irth d a y ........................
■ L l u n r u o a Supxaatad
NSURÀNC1 CO
DOME OFFICE—SE ATTLE, U. 3. A.
*