Page 2
Horse sense
ERNEST V. JOINER
0 A lot of people attended the July 4 celebration in Condon
hoping to see the scheduled porcupine race. They found that
event had been scrubbed because of the loud lamentations
and foot-stamping of environmentalists and their fellow
travelers who charged that the animals were being subjected
to cruel and unusual punishment. Besides, it would probably
embarrass the porcupines to perform before an audience of
hard-hearted honkies. Like the skunk, the porcupine is pretty
capable of taking care of himself. Both animals are endowed
with over-developed defense mechanisms. Mistreat a skunk
and it retaliates with a missile as offensive as the nuclear
MIRV. Irritate a porcupine and your face comes off looking
like a pin cushion. It's too bad the porcupines didn't get
consulted in the matter. They may have preferred to have
free room and board for a few days and enter into a healthy
competition with their fellows before being returned to the
wilds. But our ersatz environmentalists cheated the public
but of an advertised sporting event, and they cheated the
porcupines out of the only honest work they'll have a chance
to do this year. How long will it be before we cant slap a
mosquito without touching off a barking contest?
For many years the annual rattlesnake roundup at Big
Spring. Tex., has served the worthy cause of decimating the
rattlesnake population. Each year hundreds of people beat
the brush and collect rattlesnakes that infest the area. The
snakes are tossed into gunny sacks and later shipped to a
snake farm where they are milked for their venom, which in
turn is made into antitoxin to cure rattlesnake bites. How
anybody can love a rattlesnake is beyond me, but the
anti-cruelty people are crying to the courts to halt the
practice as being cruel to snakes It is not, I presume, cruelty
when a rattlesnake bags a man fuh, person.' The
pro-rattlesnakers say the hunt is cruel because the snakes
are kept without food and water. Which shows a woeful lack
of information about rattlesnakes. These snakes don't care
about water, which is why they infest the deserts and
semi-arid regions like West Texas. They also go for long
periods of time without food because that's the way they're
built. I know a family that has a boa constrictor for a house
pet. They feed it live mice twice a year. The pro-rattlers
apparently want rattlers fed three square meals a day. But I
predict the rattlesnake hunts will be siopped because nobody
will stand up to the varmit-oriented people, and it will be
unsafe for man or beast to walk through a pasture in West
Texas.
9 Stan Mazanek. a student at the University of Arizona,
had a 60-cent guppy named Fred Fin who swam in Stan's
tropical aquarium. One day Stan got one of those direct mail
offerings from Globe Life and Accident Insurance Co. of
Oklahoma City offering a $5,000 life insurance policy. It
would run for 6 months non-renewable, for only $1. student
discounted. Because Stan had a sense of humor, he filled in
the application and signed up Fred Fin Mazanek. his fish,
and named himself as beneficiary. He filled in all the blanks
accurately. He gave Fred's full name; age 6 months; weight.
30 centigrams: height, 3 centimeters. He checked the box
that verified Fred Fin was in good health and that he was not
in military service. He signed the application: "Stan
Mazenek. Owner." Stan was delighted when he got a formal
policy in the mail which had insured the life of Fred Fin
Mazanek for $5,000. Just before Christmas Fred Fin. as fish
will, went belly up and died. Whereupon Stan put tongue
firmly in cheek and informed Globe Life that the insured had
company's claim officials took a look, probably the first one.
company's claim officials took a look probably the first one.
at the application. Red-faced, a company agent called to find
out if Stan really was serious about collection on the life of his
pet fish. You bet. Stan said. He had bought and paid for an
insurance policy, had not misrepresented a single fact on the
application, it had been approved by the company, and a
policy issued. He had even preserved Fred as proof of death.
The insurance company had. speaking in the vernacular,
"been had." And Stan, just to snow that he wasn't greedy,
accepted a $650 check from Globe Life as full settlement of
the life insurance policy on the late Fred Fin.
All across America the dog problem is very real, and the
problem is as old as America. In 1948. according to Modern
Veterinary Practice, the town of Salem. Massachusetts,
enacted a law that: "If any dogg shall kill any sheepe, the
owner shall either hange his dogg forthwith, or pay double
dammages for the sheepe: if ye dogg hath bene seene to
course or bite any sheepe before . . . then he shall both hange
his dogg and pay for the sheepe."
A mran Athevltvrtf , circa !7ft
It is no tribute to man's intelligence, resourcefulness and
ingenuity that in more than 300 years since the Salem
ordinance no workable solution to Proliferating Dogdom has
been found. But during the same time we have managed to
make extinct several other species of animal Ufe, and
effective methods have been perfected to control or eradicate
the human presence. Which could be offered as evidence that
man regards dogs more highly than he does men. Perhaps
the reason for man's love affair with the dog lies in Aldous
Huxley's observation that "To his dog, every man is
Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." If we
should start treating dogs the way we treat our fellowmen I
suspect the dog would one day go the way of the dodo and the
prairie chicken.
So I'm on an animal kick this week. One more time . . .
Sir Archibald Defiant, the great British marksman, was
on a game hunt in northern Canada. He fired both barrels of
his shotgun into a dump of brush, then said to his man:
"Chauncey. check and see the name of the species I just
shot." "Well, sir," Chauncey said on his return. "I've
investigated, and be says his name is Brown."
" ' "
"A Funny Thing Happened To Me
On The Way To The Watergate Investigations..."
CROSSROADS
REPORT
DEAR EDITOR:
I see where many news
paper and videodious report
ers these days put out stories
attributed to 'Teliable"
sources about how some high
official is a liar.
Of course, the truth is no
100 percent truthful person
can ever get to first base in
politics, business, marriage,
or reporting.
-f
And the reporter who does
not name his "source" be
cause he is it, basically is
about as much of a liar as the
politician who claims he didn't
bug anybody to try to find out
who was lying to him.
D. E. SCOTT,
Crossroads, U.S.A.
QuoteUnquote
"The time has come for the
state to help (medically and
financially) the victim of a
crime as much as it helps the
criminal who committed it."
Evelle J. Younger, Attorney
General of California.
"I never thought I would be
a good diplomat, because I
hale to lie and I hate people
who lie to me." Ardeshir
Zahedi. Iranian Ambassador
to the U.S.
The
mountain
labored
"Greater use of bicycles could
save energy."
That is the finding of a special
20-page, $20,000 report issued by
the Atomic Energy Commission's
noted Oak Ridge National Labo
ratory in conjunction with the
prestigious Science Foundation.
The Los "Angeles Times Wash-'
ington Bureau has found several
nuggets in this "account of work
sponsored by the U.S. govern
ment." One is the disclaimer that
this revelation on the energy
value of bicycles, despite sup
portive charts, tables, diagrams,
algebraic formulas and so on,
does not involve the government
in "any legal liability or respon
sibility for (its) accuracy, com
pleteness or usefulness."
Another: "Potential energy
savings due tp a shift from cars to
bicycles are competitive with
cars only for short trips,"
And: "The question of bicycle
theft is irrelevant here because
stolen bicycles can still be used."
Or: "Education concerning the
full costs and benefits of auto and
bicycle travel might increase
public awareness and acceptance
of bicycling."
The report cites one variable:
"If a traveler values his free time
at more than $1.10 (per hour),
then it may not be in his
self-interest to shift to bicycles,"
and presents a table to explain
this profundity.
The Times sardonically reports
that the author of this report from
the agency that is responsible for
the safety of nuclear power plants
and the protection of deadly
radioactive materials is now
working in the Federal Energy
Office helping the government
"develop research priorities.'
His bike report should rank
among federal pronouncements
with Calvin Coolidge's explana
tion that the nation's unemploy
ment problem was caused by so
many people being out of work.
Reedley (Ca.) Exponent
Heppner, Ore., Gazette-Times, Thursday, July 11, 1974
Mayor of Hardman
DEAR MISTER EDITOR:
They ain't nothing that'll perk up the fallout shelter
business like trip by the President.
Everwhere he goes, he promises to share all our nuclear
knowledge, and the national case of the Jitters gits worse
ever time his airplane lands in a new country and he opens
his mouth.
The fellers was talking about Nixon's travels during the
session at the country store Saturday night. Clem Webster
was wondering what he will give the Russians, since they
already got more bombs than we have, and they don't need
any wheat . Clem said he had thought it up one side and down
the other, and he had decided that the President figgers if he
can git ever country in the world playing with their nuclear
reactors, it '11 git our minds off what went on and what's going
on in the Nixon Administration.
Ed Doolittle, that even voted Republican when FDR run
the second t ime, was strong disagreed with Clem . Ed said the
President makes his best showing in dealing with other
countries, so you cant blame him fer leading with his strong
suit.
As fer the promise of help with peaceful use of nuclear
power, Ed said, Lord knows them countries can use the help,
and they're floating on a ocean of oil we need, so we may can
strike a bargin.
As fer the fallout shelters, Zeke Grubb was of a mind that
digging holes in the ground to git away was as old fashion as
wearing a asafiditec bag. What you got to do, allowed Zeke, is
git out of this world like them scientists are planning in New
York He had saw where a conference of experts see colonies
in space not far off, and they say it's possible fer the hole
human race to move to another world in 100 year. Zeke
figgers by that time nuclear bombs will be as out of date as a
bow and arrow.
But turning to down to earth problems, Bug Hookum
reported on a study of garbage done by a group of students in
Tucson, Arizona. Based on a survey of 3,500 homes and the
stuff they throw out, the class figgered we throw away enuff
to feed another country jest like ours. If we would be more
careful with the world we've got, allowed Bug, and be more
mindful of how we use what nature pervides, we wouldn't
have to be concerned about moving to other worlds to find
food and peace.
Talking about food, Mister Editor, I know you are happy to
see research has showed that old newspapers is good fer
somepun besides putting down fer the dog and WTapping
garbage in. In Japan they chop up the papers, mix em with
molasses and feed em to cows. So the day may not be far off
when we can digest our news more ways that one. Or we can
at least drink the milk of human kindness that flows through
yore editorials.
Speaking of cows, I see where students in Atlanta has
challenged them in Beaver, Oklahoma fer the cow-chip
throwing title. That event will be well covered, I reckon.
Yours trulv,
MAYOR ROY
SVCD candidates on
November ballot
We could hardly wait
tor Fourth ol July
Persons wishing to file as
candidates for director of the
Morrow Soil and Water Con
servation District must do so
with the County Elections
Department before Aug 9.
according to Ken Turner,
district chairman.
There will be five positions
to be elected on a non-partisan
ballot at the Nov. 5 general
election. Nominating petitions
must be signed by 10 regis
tered voters residing within
the district.
This will be the first time
that Soil and Water Conser
vation District '.SWCDi direc
tors have appeared on the
general election ballot, "said
Turner. Previously. SWCD
elections have been conducted
at the district's annual meet
ing. The 1973 legislature
amended the SWCD election
procedure to allow all regis
tered voters to participate in
district elections on a non
partisan ballot at the general
election.
The election procedure has
beer, changed in order to allow
broader participation in dis
trict affairs Constitutional
questions were raised on the
requirement that only owners
of more than 10 acres of land
were allowed to vote. How
ever, all but two board
members must still meet the
landmanager requirement.
Information on positions
which are open for election
this year may be obtained
from the district office at the
Gilliam & Bisbee Bldg.. Hepp
ner, or from Turner. Petition
forms are available at SCS
Office in Heppner.
(This is an excerpt from a
forthcoming book. "Over My
Shoulder." by W. W. Weather
ford. It deals with the life,
conditions, morals and mores
of early day in Eastern
Oregon
"Yeah? Well. What Did He Do In Russia
That Made His Trip So Great?
Get Back Our Wheat?"
In the days when we were
kids, there just wasn't any
store-bought entertainment to
be had on a ranch, so you can
understand what kind of wear
and tear six competitive lively
kids of all ages can put on
their parents.
Everyone w as glad when the
Fourth of July or Christmas
rolled around and we all got to
go to the program.
There wasn't much inter
city or town-to-town travel in
those days. Every town had a
big parade, speech making,
and a baseball game, maybe
some horse racing and pos
sibly a Chautaqua on the
Fourth. Boy, it was some
thing. We could hardly wait
for the day. Every kid wanted
to ride in the parade.
On this Fourth, Marion was
reciting the Declaration of
Independence. That's just
what I said, reciting. He did a
really good job of it, too. My
Uncle Mark V. Weatherford
was the main speaker. It had
lobe about 1920 or 21 because I
was going to be in the first
grade that fall or the second
grade with Mrs. (Old Rubber
Hose) Burnam as a teacher.
and Marion is only a little over
seven years older than 1.
The important thing was
that mother had made me an
Uncle Sam suit, stovepipe hat,
goatee, long-tailed coat and
all. When I got where the
parade was to start, the town
fathers put me and my horse
Molly right between Art
Wheelhouse on a big sorrel
horse carrying the American
flag and George Shane on
another big sorrel carrying
the State of Oregon flag. I sat
tall in the saddle that day!
The parade got over and I.
as Uncle Sam, came riding
back through town to put my
horse away, and maybe show
off a little more. I must have
been around six or seven
years old then and pretty big
for my britches. Some big kid
hollered at me and I stopped to
I visit a minute. While I was
distracted, another big kid
tied a whole book of fire
crackers to old Molly's tail.
When they started going off,
old Molly took this Uncle Sam
up Main Street a popping and
a cracking, like the devil was
after us for sure. Man, those
Fourth of Julys were fun.
t -n
History's
most expensive
prayers
Bv LESTER KINSOLVING
"W ASHINGTON Most congressmen are by now so use4
to talking in terms of billions that the cost of maintaining
salaried chaplains for both the Senate and House is regarded
as petty cash.
Yet considering the nearly $40,000 per annum which the
taxpayers are obliged to pay for these two chaplains to open
sessions with two-minute prayers (or arrange for guest
clergy to do so, (these mini-devotions may well constitute the
most expensive liturgy in all ecclesiastical history.
These two chaplains do counsel occasionally but those
Congressmen who are at all religiously inclined almost
invariably have their own local pastors, or make a habit of
going home to their districts every weekend.
Without question, one part-time clerk could easily recruit
volunteer chaplains from the priests, ministers and rabbis
who abound in the metropolitan area of Washington.
Another anomaly is the fact that while this legislative
branch of the U.S. government has two chaplains, neither the
judicial (the Supreme Court) nor the executive (the White
House! have paid chaplains even though Billy Graham and
Norman Vincent Peale seem to be recurrent volunteers at
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
The Congressional chaplaincies have been around since
1793 (only a little less venerable and more outrageous is
another Congressional institution, the capitol architect. The
capiiol architect need not necessarily be an architect an
absurdity which motivated one waggish Congressman to
introduce a resolution that therefore the Congressional
physicians need not be doctors.)
In 1973, however, James Madison had warned that the
institution of such chaplaincies would violate the First
Amendment prohibition of an establishment of religion. Such
a prohibition would not apply regarding chaplains provided
for those people isolated by the government in armed
forces, hospital or prison for chaplains are in many
denominations essential for the free exercise of religion.
But Congressmen can by no stretch of the imagination be
considered isolated
And while the Catholic Church has for some time had the
largest number of Senators of any denomination, there has
been only one Catholic Senate chaplain and never a rabbi in
this post. (16 Methodists, 15 Episcopalians, 13 Presbyterians,
6 Baptists, 2 Unitarians, 1 Lutheran and ICongregationalist )
This list fulfills James Madison's prediction that
Congressional chaplaincies would be unfair to both
Catholics and Jews.
What might well have rendered Madison apoplectic, as the
principal architect of the constitution, was a recent
appearance and benediction by the chaplain of the House of
Representatives, retired Methodist minister Edward Latch.
This $19,000 salaried officer of the House appeared at a
rally conducted by the so-called "National Citizens
Committee for Fairness to the Presidency."
He was listed on the program by his official title and ne
listened while Nebraska's troglodytic Republican Senator
Carl Curtis-a potential impeachment juror-announced
what he concluded as President Nixon's total innocence, in
advance, charging presidential critics with "lynching."
Chaplain Latch, an officer of the same House of
Representatives that is seriously considering the possible
impeachment of President Nixon, blessed this event by
praying for "more stars in the crown of his ( Nixon's ) noble
endeavours "
Thz
GAZETTE-TIMES
morrow county's newspaper
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