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About The gazette-times. (Heppner, Or.) 1912-1925 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 3, 1914)
19 ITOMU AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION Stories With a Smile A Fuddled Politician. SENATOR MILES POINTDEXTEH told this one to four other Sen ators the other day and they laughed as .it perhaps the story is new. Last November the leading bon tivant of a certain town out In Washington State proceeded Joyously and faithfully to go in on a larger scale for strong drink than was for his own best interest. His travels then took him to the headquarters of the County Republican Commit tee, where he sat and listened to the election returns. All night long he heard the precinct figures counterl off so many for Hank Hicks and so many for Bill Jones for tnis-or that . office. Then he started homeward, steering his course along a street that was rough, as it seemed to him, like a sea. As one great billow pushed him against the plate glass front of a res turant he glanced at the signs that gave the prices of various food dish es offered in that caravansary. He read: "Pork and apple sauce, 25. Ham and eggs, 35." "Hurrah for ham and eggs!" shouted our hero as he continued on his way. flood Growing Weather. The old farmer was making his usual weekly call on Mrs. Wiggins. "P'taters is good this mornin', madam," he said, casting an admir ing look at the basketful he had brought. "Oh, is they?" retorted Mrs. Wig gins; "that reminds me. I want to have a word with you about them you sold me last week. How is it that them at the bottom o' the bas ket is so much smaller than them at the top?" "Come about like this." replied old John, with a knowing look on his face. "P'taters is growin' so fast now that by the time I get a basketful dug ".he last ones is about twice the size of the first!" t Paid for His Mistake. "Joe" Coyne tells a story about a seedy-looking individual who got Into conversation in a railway car riage. "Ah, sir," he said, sadly. "I've seen changes. I was once a doctor with a laree practice, but owing to one little slip my patients began to leave me, and now I'm just living from hand to mouth." "What was the slip?" I asked. "Well, sir," he replied, "in filling in a death certificate for a patient who had died, I absent-mindedly signed my name in the space headed 'Cause ot death.' " An Kye to Business. When she returned from her Ions stay at a resort hotel, ihe received him with an Icy demeanor. "I'm going to give you hack our engagement ring," she said. . "I love another." "Will you give me his name and address?" he inquired, as he took the ring. "His address!" she exclaimed, in surprise. "What are you going to do? Kill him?" "No, indeed," was the reply. "I want to sell him this ring." She Tried. Mrs. Flint, a kind-hearted mis tress, was much disturbed that Mar tha, her new maid, was obliged to sleep in a cold room on the top floor. "Martha," said she, remembering the good old-fashioned custom In her girlhood, "it is going to be a very cold night, and I think you had bet ter take a flat iron to bed with you." When Martha announced break fast the following moraine the mis tress asked: "Well, Martha, how did you get along with the flat iron 7" Martha breathed a deep reminis cent sigh. "Veil, ma'am, I goi it 'most warm before morning." A Hard Question, In a southern city Mrs. Ebenezer toiled in the sun over her washtub, while Ebenezer sat on the woodpile and gazed into space. At last, un able to bear his Inactivity in silence, his busy wife asked: "Why doan y' tlumb down off'n dat air woodpile an' he'p me wif dls heah washln'?" He lazily shifted his gaze and direct ed it upon his laboring spouse. "Ah kaint, 'cause Ah'm yehy busy," he drawled. "Busy!" she snapped. Whut doin', Ah'd laik to know?" Busy thinkin'," ha retorted. Thlnkin'?" she repeated scornfully. "What yo' got to think wit?" The Difference. A story is told of an Irish sailor who decided to walk from Newport to Cardiff. He met a cart driver and asked: "How far is it from Newport to Cardiff?" "Twelve miles, mister," was the reply. . "Thankee," said Pat. "An how far is it from Cardiff to Newport?" Driver: Didn't I tell you how far it was from Newport to Cardiff? Do you suppose it is any farther the other way back? Irishman: Sure, and I don't know. I know it is a great deal far ther from New Year's Day to Christ mas than from Christmas to New Year's Day. For the Heathen. A certain millionaire did not ap prove or foreign missions, une Sunday at church, when the collec tion was being taken up for these missions, the collector approached the millionaire and held out the col lection box. The millionaire shook his head. "I never give to missions," he whispered. "Then take something out of the bag, sir," whispered the collector. The money is for the heathen. Has Made Improvement. When little Bennie brought the milk in olt tne ironi porcn one cuiu morning, ne round a pniar oi jne frozen fluid sticking out of the bottle. "Oh, mama," he cried, "I like our new milkman!" "Is that so? Why?" asked the mother. Showing her the bottle, Bennie exclaimed: "Our old milkman barely filled the bottle, but this one heaps it up." GOING EAST or COMING WEST We can Save you Monet Rerlured rates on Household Goods, Pianos, Automobiles, etc. Ihrough consolidated cars insur ing prompt delivery and careful handling. Rates and Informaiioo on request. Pacific Coast Forwarding Company 201 Wilcox Building. Porll.i) Oram Light Your Home with a Magic light At Less Cost and Danger Than Oil The Under Ground System. SUNSHINE AT NIGHT Ilf EVER KOOM Gas for Cooking. Let Us Tell You All About It A Post Card Brings Full Information. THTODA BROS. CO., 613 P'-knm Bldg., Portland, Oregon. KING OF THE WOODS DRAG SAW With or Without Bun Saw Attachment W31 uw 20 to 40 cords of wood per day at a cost ol $1.00. PULLS ITSELF op the steepest HILL and over the roughest (round. Costs lest than other makes. One maa writes he sawed 5b nets ta lu hours. Another sawed 40 cords ia 9 hours. There's more yon ought to know. Write (or FREE cat alog containing full dMrripb'on with testimonials! rtora eninusrooc usnv wruiL l uun i . Illlaa SEND NO MONEY! One Month's Music Lessons Absolutely Free. Any Instrument Tlaao, Ontaa, Viol la, Gnltar, Cermet, etc. Kav- 7.irei7 new aad complete coarse. Aetata; Elee Like It at Price. Our course of personally supervised extension Instruction brings the best teachers and their methods right In to your home at half the cost of inferior resident Instruction. Metronome for teaching time furnished free! One month's in struction free to convince you of merits of Irr structlon. ACT NOW. Don't delay. Rend for special offer and free catalogue. 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