The gazette-times., November 26, 1914, HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION, Page 16, Image 22

HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION
Stories With a Smile
She Filled the Bill.
JOHN SLOAN, the painter, was lec
turing on "Models" before an art
class in New York.
"Then there is the MtoIous
model," said Mr. Sloan. "She, un
less very beautiful, is to be avoided.
"A frivolous model besought a
friend of mine to employ her.
" 'No, no,' he said. 'I only do still
life flowers and fruit.'
" 'Well,' said the model, looking
up at him, reproachfully out of lim
pid eyes, 'well, ain't I a peach?'"
The Bellicose Kaiser.
At the French consulate in Cleve
land the Vicomte Jean de Champ of
Aix said to a reporter:
"This terrible European trouble
has all been the fault of the German
Emperor. They who try to exoner
ate the German Emperor speak
feebly. Their apology Is like the
old lady's.
" 'The German Emperor,' said the
old lady's husband, looking up from
his newspaper, "has got very belli
cose again.'
" 'Why,' said the old lady, 'ac
cording to his latest photographs he
aeenis much thinner to me.' "
Where the Injunction Failed.
"Why, Willie," said the teacher,
"have you been fighting again?
Didn't you learn that when you are
struck on one cheek you ought to
turn the other one to the striker?"
"Yes'm," agreed Willie, "but he
hit me on the nose, and I've only
got one."
It Warn't Dare.
Atrial took place recently in TexM
before a negro iurv. The twelve
gentlemen of color were told by the
judge to retire and "find a ver
dict." They departed for the jury-room
Then began the opening and shut
ting of drawers, the slamming of
doors, and other sounds of unusual
commotion. Everyone wondered
what the trouble was.
At last the jury came back into
the court, and the foreman arose and'
said:
"We hab looked everywhar In
the drawers, and behind the do', an"
can't find no verdic'. It warn't in
de room."
'
Working Overtime.
A couple of Boston physicians were
swapping stories of their odd exper
iences, when one told the following;
' "I called upon a lazy patient of
mine to see a new baby. , I found
the Infant all battered up black
and blue in spots. 'What's the mat
ter with him? I asked the mother.
; " 'Nawthin much,' said the par
ent. 'Ye see, he was christened yis
tidy, and while his- daddy was hold
in' him the 6-o'clock whistle blew.' "
Knew Thorn Both.
The family doctor was paying a
Bemi-social, semi-official visit. As
he took a leisurely departure he
paused to discuss with Margaret's
mother the general health condi
tions of the city.
"We're not so badly off com
paratively, thai is," he naid. 'For
one thing there are only two uncon
trolled, unmitigated smoke nuisances
In the town."
From the sofa In the corner Mar
garet spoke:
"Yes, doctor, I know," said she.
"Papa and Uncle Jim."
A Moonscraper.
Pat had gone back home to Ire
land and was telling about New York.
"Have you such tall buildings In
America as they say, Pat?" asked
the parish priest.
"Tall buildings, ye ask, sur?" re
plied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one
I worked on we had to lay on our
stomachs to let the moon pass."
Jimmy.
Jacob H. Rutherford, an efficiency
engineer of Claveland, said, on the
Hamburg-American pier in Hobo
ken: "I am just back from England.
In the offices over there they un
derstand modern methods they un
derstand efficiency about as little
as Jimmy, the new office boy, did.
" 'Jimmy,' said the boss, 'file these
letters.'
"An hour later Jimmy said to the
boss:
"You told me to file these letters,
sir; but wouldn't it do just as well
if I trimmed them off with a pair
of shears?' "
Mebbe.
There was a certain bishop who
had a pleasant habit of chatting with
anybody he might meet during his
country walks, says Tit-Bits. One
day he came across a lad who was
looking after some pigs by the road
side, and the bishop paused to ask
him what he was doing, that being
his usual opening to conversation.
"Moindin' swoine," the lad replied,
stolidly.
The bishop nodded his head
thoughtfully.
"Ah, is that so?" he commented.
"And how much do you earn a
week?"
"Two shillin's," was the reply.
"Only two shillings?" remarked
the bishop. Then he continued,
pleasantly: 1 too, am a shepherd,
but I get more than two shillings."
The lad looked at him suspiciously
for a minute, then he said, slowly:
"Mebbe you gets more swoine nor
me to moind." t
Pat Wanted to Know.
Some time ago. Pat had an argu
ment with his wife's mother, and so
heated became the conversation that
Pat was eventually haled into court
on a charge of disturbing the quiet
of the county.
"It Dains me to think." said the
magistrate in reprimanding Pat
"that you should say an unkind word
to vour mother-in-law. I know a
man who never disagreed with his
mother-in-law in word, thought or
deed! Never did he speak to her un
kindly! Never did he
"Reesrin' Yer Honor's pardon,"
suddenly interrupted Pat, "might I
be askin a question?
"Ortainlv." responded the oblig
ing magistrate. "What would you
like to know?"
"Shure, Yer Honor," smiled Pat,
'an' it's mesilf thot would be likin'
to know If the name of the gintle-
man ye referred to was Mr.
Adam?"
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