16
HOME AND FAHM MAGAZINE SECTION
Stories With a Smile
JOME employers in New York City
liko some employers in other
cities are not as polite to their
office force as they stoull be, even
though some of thei forces may be
of the feminine gender. Much of it,
however, 13 more the result of care
less speech than bad temper, and in
such cases it may be cured. One such
employer in Courtlandt street "las been
cured. At least he says he has.
It happened thus: He had taken in
a new stenographer, a very quiet
steady young woman of about 25, and
very efficient But he never thought
of that. As soon as he got used to
her he fell into his habit of blurt
ing out anything that come to his
mind when ho was not pleased, and
one day she asked him a question he
thought she should know
"Oh, say," he snapped at her,
"any damn fool ought to know
that!"
It is not an original expression by
any means, and the girl had prob
ably heard it many times, though
poss bly not in such a personal man
ner, but she was equal to it She
looked him square in the eye, un
afraid, and still the lady.
"Yes," she replied pleasantly
enough; "you seem to know it, but,
you see, I'm not : damn fooL"
It gave a new turn to the expres
sion which had not occurred to him
before, and he was staggered but he
knew she had him and he was gentle
man enough to apologize. Now he is
much more par'icular in bis office
language and says he is ,'lad she
called him down as she did.
Prodded His Father's Memory.
Mr. Urban was always late to din
ner. He .ived on the Fort Worth
Interurban and arrived home one even
ing, as usual, twenty minutes behind
hand. His wife was entertaining Mr.
and Mrs. Fortune. 3reeting the guests
with effusive cordiality, he said:
"If I had known this pleasure was
in store Tor me I should certainly
have arranged my business so as to
bo at homo earlier."
"Why, iiarry," sighed his wife, "I
told you."
"I beg your pardon, love; but you
are certaiuly mistaken this time. You
probably forgot to mention it. On
the whole, however, I am glad you
did. It is a delightful jurprise."
Mrs. Urban was a spirited woman
This unjust accusation came : ear over
throwing her courtesy. Her lips part
od, then shut decisively; but a slight
frown lingered on her forehead.
Little Tommy read her face. He
knew all about his father's poor mem
ory, and he felt it his duty both to
refresh it and to defend his mother.
' "Why, papa," he piped, "don't yoa
' recollect! Mamma told you to be sure
to come home early tonight because
tho Fortunes were going to be here,
and you said, 'Oh, tho devill'
Ceremonious.
If there is one thing a commercial
traveler dislikes more than anotner
it is elaborate ceremony, and if the
spirit of his profession is in him he
generally finds some way to let his
prejudices be known.
One evening a traveling salesman
from Cincinnati happened to sit down
at a hotel table in company with half
a dozen state leeislators, who talked
with excessive formality. It was
"Will the gentleman from Hardin do
this!" and "Does the gentleman from
Franklin want thatt" the ordinary
form of direct address being care
fully eschewed.
For nearly ten minutes the commer
cial traveler suffered in silence. Then
he turned to the waiter and said in
deep, oratorical tone::
"Will the gentleman from Ethiopia
please jass the butter!''
The remedy was effectual.
The Trump Suit
Jones didn't want to plaj cards:
never had wanted to play cards in his
life and said so. But to no purpose.
His objections, conscient'ous and other
wise, were waived 01 one side by
the red-faced person who was look
ing for a partner.
Jones took his seat at th card
table. Before tioy had been playing
fifteen seconds Jones and the red
faced person took a 10-I.orsepower dis
liko for each other. Then the wretch
ed -tones made his first seriouc mis
take. He cf the ruddy complexion
banged the table.
"Why on earth didn't you follow
my Lsadi" he shouted.
"If there n one man in this wcrld
today whose odious example I would
not foiiow in any circumstances you
are the man!" retorted Jones, with
dignity.
After that the jolly pastime pro
ceeded. Then Jones put his foot in it
again, and again the rubicund one
t ashed thj t ble.
"Couldn't you see me calling for a
sjade or clubt" he bo-nned. "Haven't
you got a black suit, man?"
"Yes, I have," said Jones, rising
from the table, "and I'm jolly well
hanging on to it fo' your funeral!"
One Means of Support.
Miss Campjell, the Sunday school
teacher, discovered, to her horror, that
some of the small members of her
class had taken as literal truths the
tales of ancient god' and goddesses
which they had read in a child's
mythology at school.
She "etermined, if possible, to de
st oy this belief by simple logic and
with .this end in view she asked:
"Who was it, Amelii., that support
ed tht world on his shoulders!"
"Atlas, ma'am," the little girl re
plied, promptly.
"That is correct," said the teach
er. "Now, children, think. If he was
supporting the world on his shoulderj,
of course ho could not be standing
on it. Now, what supported Atlast"
"I know," cried Amelia. "He mar
ried a rich wife!"
Came Down Gently.
Gladys's mother was entertaining vis
itors, when suddenly the door was flung
open and in burst Gladys like the pro
verbial whirlwind.
'My dear child," said the mother,
rebukingly, "I never heard such a noise
as you made coming downstairs. Now
go right back and come downstairs properly."
liladys retired, and a few moments
later re-entered the room.
"Did you hear me come down that
time, mamma!" she asked.
"No, dear," replied the mother.
"Now, why can't you always behave
like that! You eame downstairs like a
lady then."
"Yes, mamma," said Glady's dutiful
ly, "I slid down the banisters."
Not a Direct Answer.
A lawsuit was recently in full
swing and during its progress a wit
ness was cross-examined as to the
habits and character of the defend
ant
' ' Has Mr. M a reputation for
being abnormally lazy!" asked coun
sel, briskly.
"Well, sir, it's this way"
"Will you kindly answer the ques
tion asked!" struck in the irascible
lawyer.
"Well, sir, I was going to say it's
this way. I don't want to do the
gentleman in question any injustice,
and I won't go so far as to say, sir,
that he's lazy exactly; but if it re
quired any voluntary work on his part
to digest his food- why, he'd die from
lack of nourishment, sir."
velops the mathematical powers. To
jour son figures and numbers, order
and system will be a conglomerate
mass of nothingness."
"Then he can't work in my of
fice," said the father sadly, "but he
ough. to be great at making up the
summer train schedules for suburban
railroads.
A Crushing Eeply.
When Mr. Crockett offered his first
book to a certain firm of publish
ers, they returned it with a curt note
informing him that there was "no
market for this sort of work." In
tho corner of the note was the index
mark "No. 3G6C."
Some time later, when Mr. Crockett
had become famous, this same firm
wrote asking him to allow them to
publish his next book. Mr. Croekett,
who had carefully preserved their
former rude letter, politely replied by
asking them to refer to their own let
ter book under the sign "No. 396C."
That closed the correspondence!
Might Wed a Bachelor.
A little girl of six sat looking
thoughtfully out of the window of
her home the other day. Her mother
asked the cause of her seriousness.
"Oh," she replied, "I was just
thinking that when I grow up to be
a big lady I'm agoin' to get marrijd
and have three children."
The parent was surprised and
amused.
"Weil, yon will be very fortunate,
indeed," she replied.
Then the little- girl again lapsed
into thought. Finally she said:
"But you can never tell, mother.
I might marry a bachelor."
Flaying It Safe. -The
wife of a small farmer in
Perthshire, Scotland, some time age
went to a chemist in the "Fair
City" with two prescriptions one for
her husband, the other for her cow.
Finding she bad not enough money
to pay for both, the chemist asked her
which she would take.
'Gie me the stuff for the coo."
said she; "the morn will do weel
enough for him, puir body. Giu he
f ere to dee I could sure get anither
man, but I'm no sae sure that I could
get anither coo."
Had Bad Odor.
With a roar like a gigantic rocket
the 100-horsepo.vcr motor cr.r tore
down the road. Joe and Mike Baw it
disappear in a cloud of dust. They
suddenly eame aeross the trail and
held their noses.
"Thim motors must cost a heap of
money," said Joe; "the rich is fairly
burning money."
"Ay, indeed," sniffed Mike, "nd
by the smell of it it must be that
tainted money we hear so much talk
about"
He Insisted.
There was a young lady of Siam,
Who said to ner tona lover,
"1 refuse to De kibbbu,
Put if vmi insist
Heaven knows you are stronger than
1 am.
Big Values
in Used Cars
"A uaed c.r bought from the
Winton Company i worth S
per cant more than Its duplicate
anywhere elee." We hear this
atatement every dir. Tho rev
on it plain when it li remem
bered that no treded-ln er IS
offered here for ule until It nee
been thoroughly orerheuled l
our own ahopa by Winton ex
pert! end brought up to the
Winton standard of automobile,
excellence.
If you ean appreelate
thii enhanced value mean yon
will send NOW for our com
plete list of high grade "tued
ear bargains.
Tt oel without laying the, t
re-built car of high-grade mann
faeture which bat been operate
jnly 10 per cent of itt real mile
age, tuat can be purchaaed at So
per cent of the original prle
will prove far more latlafeetory
and much leu eipenaive than
a cheap ear bought new.
Very little money will NOW
hoy one of then rebuilt cars
Ibat will give the beat aatiafae
tion in both service and appear
ance. Send today for our latest
complete bargain list.
THE
WHTTOH MOTOE CAB CO.
Portland, Oregon.
Spokane, Wain. Seattle, Wash.
His Future.
"The child is otherwise in perfect
health' said the great physician,
"but I regret to say that he is af
flicted with a curious mental de
ficiency." "Explalnl" groaned the unhappy
father.
"The pictcrius mucilo of the medul
la geiinkus has never appeared in his
i)ain. That is the nerve that de-
HOMESTEADS
In Sunny Alberta, Western Canada
Why pay 50.00 to be located when you can get the same service
and information for $3.00t We have located several hundred on home
steads in Western Canada the last past 10 years and have always charged
Fifty Dollars for location fee. We have decided to change our system.
Instead of having you come to our office and we personally take charge
of you and locate you, we will give you the information by mail for
Three ($3.00) Dollars. We know where the best lands are that are open
for filing and settlement We will give you full information telling you
where to go, where the land is, what kind of land you can get in various
parts of Western Canada. We will inform you where you can get all
prairie or all timber( or where you can get partly prairie and partly
timber land. The claims will be close to railroad and town. Level black
loam soil, only 12 to 15 feet to water, creeks through many of the claims.
Will direct you to lands adapted for grain raising, on lands best for
raising cattle, or on the best mixed farming lands in Western Canada.
Any one of these claims is worth a life time of saving to you. Will
give you information regarding maps, plats, etc. Will give yon the
name and address of a reliable land guide in the vicinity where you
want to go that will put you on the land. Will eivo you full informa
tion regarding the location of the railroad, how far it has been built,
where it is in operation, etc., etc., and bow to get your Homeseeker's
rates and tickets; and ail information concerning price, terms and lease
rent on all Hudson Bay Lands in Western Canada, This all for $3.00,
which remit us by P. O. money order and we will give you the informa
tion to get a Homestead that will make you independent
CANADIAN HOMESTEAD CO.
73 SIXTH STREET, PORTLAND, OREGON.
LIFE
HEALTH
ACCIDENT
Phone Main 1711
One Policy
COM BINATION
ONTRACT J BJ
Clip thta Coupon and mail to the Rem
Office for full Information, N
obligation incurred.
Name:
MTMImMIIMIIMMM
Addreesi
Ooevpatlonl
.Afe nearest birthday ,
mt Insurance Suggested:
INSURANCE CO.
HOME OFFICE SEATTLE, U. 8. A.
J.