The gazette-times., August 20, 1914, HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION, Page 16, Image 22

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HOME AND FAKM MAGAZINE RECTTOtf
Stories With a Smile
Youthful Critic.
LITTLE Wendell Itolmes Emerson
of Boston was resting sedately
with his book in the park shortly
after a picnic dinner. Ho had eaten
too much. He knew perfectly well he
had eaten too much and he was very
much surprised and shocked at himself,
lie prayed fervently that no one would
notice his condition.
Just then a kindly old lady appeared
and sat down beside him. "Ah,"
thought Wendell, "I have sadly in
jured her esthetic sensibilities."
By this time the kind old lady
was firmly settled. "My little boy,
said she, "are you over eight t"
It was. wonderful to see how the
young Mr. Emerson recovered his dig
nity. That a woman with such out
landish grammar should dare to oriti
cise him was unbelievable. "No, ma
dam," said he, proudly. "I have
overeaten!"
Like a Philosopher.
"John, John," exclaimed little Mrs.
Jones, as she rusned into her hus
band's library in a state of great agi
tation and excitement, 'what do you
think the cook has done!"
"Can't imagine," came the reply.
"Forgotten to break something eh!"
Mrs. Jones wrung her hands.
"Oh, John, do be serious!" she
begged. "Cook actually poured petrol
on the kitchen fire to make it burn
up!"
"Petrol! Petrol! And didn't it ex
plode!" "Yes I should think it di! It
nearly blew the silly woman through
the window! "
"Oh, well," mused the husband, 'yt
wouldn't really have mattered if it
had blown her quite through, would
it? This is her afternoon out anyway,
I believe."
Lunch Counter Refinement.
The young man who eats all 'round
the circuit ran against this quick lunch
incident recently: ,
A fastidious person made his way
charily into the place. A tumbler of
murky water was thumped before him
by the young woman on the other side
of the counter.
"What's yours?"
"Coffee and rolls, my girl."
One of those iron heavy, quarter
inch thick mugs of coffee was pushed
over the counter. The fastidious per
son seemed dazed. Ho looked under
the mug and over it.
"But where is the saucer f" he inquired.
"Wo don't give no saucers here. If
we did some low-brow 'd come pilin '
in an' drink out of his saucer, an'
we'd lote a lot of our swellest trade."
Tor Sake of Another.
The case had been long protracted,
and was going none too well for be
defendant. His counsel, therefore, had
recourse to bullying methods.
One of the plaintiff's witnesses, a
notorious old jailbird, had just left the
box, his place being taken by an old
plasterer.
"Have you ever been In prison I"
asked the barrister.
"Yes, sir," replied the witness,
"twice."
"Ah! And for how long, may I
ask!"
"First time for an afternoon. !es
on time for about an hour. You see,
sir," continued the witness, taking
advantage of the barrister's confusion,
"I was sent to prison to whitewash
a cell for a lawyer who had been rob
bing his clients."
Followed Instructions.
She was a little girl and very polite.
It was the first time she had been on
a visit alone, and she had been care
fully instructed how to behave.
"If they ask you to dine with
them." papa had said, "yon must say:
No, thank you, ; have already
dined.' "
It turned out just : s papa had an
ticipated. "Como along, Marjorie," said her
little friend's father, "you must have
bito with us."
"No, thank you," said the little girl
with dignity; "I have already bit
ten," -
She Earned It.
In a certain home missionary move
ment every participant was to con
tribute $1 that she had earned herself
by hard work. The night of the col
lection of tho dollars came and vari
ous and droll wero the stories of earn
ing the money. One woman had sham
pooed hair, another had made dough
nuts, another had secured newspaper
subscriptions, and so on.
The chairman turned to a handsome
woman in tho front row.
"Now, madam, it is your turn," he
said. "How did you earn your dol
lart" "I got it from my husband," she
answered.
"Oh!" said he. "From your hus
band? There was no bard work about
that."
The woman smiled faintly.
"You don't know my husband,"
she said.
Beginning Early.
"Father," inquired the little brain
twister of the family, "when will our
little baby brother be able to talk!"
"Oh, when he's about three, Ethel."
"Why can't he talk now, father?"
"He is only a baby yet, Ethel.
Babies can't talk."
"Oh, yes, they can, father," insist
ed Ethel, "for Job could talk when
he was a baby."
"Job! What do you mean!"
"Yes," said Ethel. "Nurse was
telling us today that it says in the
Bible: 'Job cursed the day he was
born.'"
hospitals distinctly, ma'am, and I can
not remember whoro each passenger
wants to get off."
"Don t be impertinent. Stop the
car."
The conductor did so and as her
foot left the step, she turned and said
"I suppose I will have to walk two or
three blocks now."
"Yes, ma'am, in the same direction
as we aro going. We haven't reached
Harper Hospital yet."
Not the Bank.
Mrs. Barrows was worried that fact
was evident to her husband, although
she endeavored to maintain a cheerful
manner. Before the evening was over,
however, he discovered the cause of
her anxiety.
"Will," salfl she. "I am very much
afraid that my bank is in a bad way."
"How foolish, Mabel! Don't let that
cause yon a moment's worry. Why,
it's one of the strongest financial in
stitutions 'in the state. Whatever got
that idea into your head?"
"Woll, it's very strange," replied
Mrs. Bawows, still unconvinced. "They
have just returned a check of mine for
40 marked 'No Funds!' "
Fully Qualified.
Some time since there was an exami
nation in a medical college, when one
of the professors turned to a stu
dent. "And now," said the professor, "if
a person in good health, but who im
agined himself sick, should send for
you, what would you do?"
"I would give him something to
make him sick," was tho prompt re
joinder of the student, "and then
administer an antidote." .
'Don't waste any more time here,
my boy," proudly exclaimed the pro
fessor, "but begin practice at once."
In Five Days.
One of the bosses at Baldwin's loco
motive works had to lay off an argu
mentative Irishman named Pat, so he
saved discussion by putting the dis
charge in writing. The next day Pat
was missing, but a week later the boss
was passing through the shop and he
saw him again at his lathe. Going up
to the Irishman, he demanded, fierce
ly: "Didn't you get my letter?"
"Yis, sur, Oi did," said Pat.
"Did you read it?"
"Sure, sur, Oi read it inside and
Oi read it tutside," said Pat, "and
on the inside yez said I was fired, and
on the outside yez said, 'Return to
Baldwin's locomotive works in five
days. ' ' '
Milk by the Yard.
Wiggins is t confirmed practical
joker. The other day he strolled into
tho local dairy, and, with a perfoctly
solemn face, said:
"I want a yard of milk!"
Tho dairyman was not to be done.
Dipping his finger into the milk, he
drew a line of wet milk along the
counter, and said blandly:
"There you are, sir. Ten cents a
yard."
But Wiggins got ono back, after all.
"Ah, thanks!" he said negligently,
"Just roll it up for me, will you?"
upon visitors to his house the great
extent of his riches.
Ho was showing a caller from the
East through his palatial mansion on
one occasion when they stopped be
fore a handsome Dlate-elass mirror, of
massive size, above tho fireplace in
the drawing room.
"See that mirror?" asked the pack
cr. "it cost me just ton thousand dol
lars."
"Heavens!" exclaimed the visitor,
Then, after a careful
examination of the article, he added:
"But what a pity it is scratched!"
"Yes," said the packer carelessly.
Thon turn i ntf in his wife, he said:
"Mary, perhaps you'd better not let
tho children have any more diamondi
to play with."
Johnny's iieason.
The lesson was in multiplication, and
the teacher sought to impress upon lit
tle Johnny that three times two and
two times three amounted to the same
thing.
"Now," said she, "if you could
have two bags with three oranges in
each or three bags with two oranges
in each, which would you choose?"
"The three bags with two oranges
in each," replied Johnny without hesi
tation; "then I'd have one more bag
to bust."
In Kansas City.
In Kansas City they love to tell of
a certain wealthy meat-packer, who
never loses an opportunity to impress
Big Values
in Used Cars
"A oaed cur bought from the
Winton Company i worth 30
per cent more than its duplicate
anywhere else." We hear this
statement every day. The rea
ion is plain when it is remem
bered that no tradedin ear ia
offered here for aale until it has
been thoroughly overhauled in
our own ehope by Winton ex
perta and brought Up to tho
Winton standard of automobils
excellence.
If' yon can appreciate what
this enhanced value Beans you
will send NOW for our com
plete list of high-grade "used1
car bargains.
It &oes without saying tba a
rebuilt car of high-grade manu
facture which baa been operated
jnly 10 per cent of. its real mile
age, fciat can be purchased at 60
per cent of the ..original pri-
will prove far more aatiafactory
and much leas expensive tbaa
a cheap ear bought new.
Very little money win NOW
buy on of these rebuilt ears
that will give the beat aatisfae
tion In both aerviee and appear
ance. Bend today for our lateat
complete bargain list.
THE '
WINTON MOTOR CAE CO.
Portland, Oregon.
Spokane, Wash. Seattle, Wash.
A Successful Bemedy.
Two men were talking of the bard
times.
"Does your wife ever grieve be:
cause she threw over a wealthy man
in order to marry you?" queried Hall.
"Well, she started to once," was
the reply, "but I cured her of it with
out delay."
"I wish yon would tell me how,"
said Hall.
"I started right in grieving with
her," replied the other, "and I grieved
harder and longer than she did."
Did as He Was Told.
A woman hustled the length of a
Woodward avenue car and confronted
the conductor: "Didn't I tell you to
let me off at Harper Hospital?"
"I am calling all the streets and
LIFE
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HOMESTEADS
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73 SIXTH STEEET, PORTLAND, OBEQON.
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