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About The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 1, 1889)
Can ratoh a Base-Ball and Anotbe
One Is Larnhnr to Pitch.
-for the monkeys in Prof. Broek
a collection, they are simply sa
shing. They aro kept in cages,
.are -very clean so much so that
"- en one oL them happens to dirty it
. all the others notice the fact im
ntely, and jeer and made the wry
"of wry faces at the misbehaved
Y Each monkey has its own plate
Jt from, and knows it, and actually
fuses to eat from anybody else's
.1 f , TlsAtw tMilninff ,tyia o 1 1- n n.
mii . ill 11 . Lit ii.iiiiii: i i.il i i. as i vrii
ne and much trouble, because they
" e restless and inattentive. Yet it is
more thoroughly done without the
o of forcible or very severe means
,ian with. It is bad policy to hurt
c .im. because they are extremely
sensitive and nervous, and a little ill-
treatment will kill them. For this
same reason they never perform more
than ten consecutive minutes at a
time, and, although they can bear heat
"and cold pretty well, they must be
carefully kept out of draft. There is
ono monkey that rides on horseback,
dressed in a red coat, and with a silk
hat on. He looks, from behind, alto
gether like a miniature hunts
man, and when seen in front he
t-esembles "Voltaire on horseback as
mch as one egg the other. Of course,
these monkeys know their attendants
toy face, and pretty nearly by name-
One, a little Pavian, the clown of
the troop, and who jumps somer
saults, like Bamum'a best, took
a dislike to the head attend
ant some time ago. It must be
a strong' grudge, for whenever he sees
htm. he makes faces at him, grinds his
teeth together, shakos his fist and
yanks. This same animal is learning
how to catch, a small base-ball. He
began by learning how to catch little
sticks, then little flags, and will soon
be sufficiently practiced to catch a ball.
Mr. Broekman says he will teach
another monkey how to pitch, and if
he succeeds with this, will try to give
performances with a base-ball nine
composed of brute animals only.
DEATH-RATE OF tNFANTS.
The Dangers of Babyhood and Childhood
Illustrated by Figure.
It is a startling fact, which meets
the student of vital statistics at the
outset of his investigations, that from
one-third to one-half of all the persons
born into the world die before reach
ing the age of five years. Or, to face
the terrible reality from another point
of view, so great are the dangers of
infancy, that a child which has com
pleted its fifth year actually has an
expectation of life more than twelve
years greater than it had at birth.
The exact proportion of deaths
varies greatly in different countries
and localities, at different times and
tinder different circumstances. Statis
tics are of value only in showing aver
age results. In Norway, for example,
the population dying nnder five is
stated by Dr. Farr, to be 204.5 per
1,000 born; while in England, it is 333
per 1,000, and in Italy 567 per 1,000.
In fifty-one so-called "healthy dis
tricts" of England and Wales, accord
ing to the same authority, the mortal
ity nnder five is 175 per 1,000 born,
while in the Liverpool district, repre
senting the most unfavorable sanitary
conditions, it is 460 per 1,000.
In the different parts of our own
country, we find nearly as great a
variety as on the continent of Europe.
Even in the same latitude, the propor
tion varies greatly, according as city
or country districts are considered. In
the State of Vermont, which contains
no large cities, and represents essen
tially a rural population, the number
of deaths under five, for the year 1883,
was 23.8 per cent, of the whole num
ber of deaths; in the State of Massa
chusetts, which embraces several lares
. - 7 .
mes wiinia us limits, ior tne iweive
years enamg in las, n was 3i. vi per
cent; and in the city of New York
alone, for the seven years ending in
1873, it was exactly 50 per cent, of the
ntire mortality. -J. 31. French, M. D.,
Popular Science Monthly.
The Real "Woman Problem."
Recognizing heredity as the distinct
ive attribute of the female sex, it be
comes clear that it must be from the
steady advance of woman rather than
that the sure and solid progress of the
future is to come. The attempt to
move the whole race forward by
elevating the sex that represents the
enough been tried. The many cases of
superior men the sons of superior
mothers, coupled with the many more
t a t :
times ui uegeuciaia buuti m eutjnur
Bires, have taught us over and over
again that the way to civilize the race
is to civilize woman. And now, thanks
to modern Mslegie science, we see why
this is so. Woman is the unchangmg
trunk of the great genealogic tree,
while man, with all his vaunted supe
riority, is but the branch, a grafted
ecion, as it were, whose acquired qual
ities die with the individual, while
those of woman are handed on to
futurity. Woman is the race, and the
race can be raised up only as she is
raised up. There i3 no fixed rule by
which Nature has intended that one
sex should excel the other, any more
thn there is any fixed point beyond
which either can not further develop.
True science teaches that the
education of woman is the only sure
road to the evolution of man. Prof.
Lester F. Ward, in Forum.
"A LITTLE NONSENSE."
The plumber Joke Is now brought out
And has the summer's dirt brushed off It,
The umpire gets a rest again.
On deck now comes the weather prophet.
- "I've got you, you rascal! What
are doing with your hand in my
pocket?" Tramp "'Xcuse me, boss;
we look so much alike I thought it was
my own." Time.
"I 'stumped' all through the late
campaign," said a one-legged man.
"And I," said the one-armed politician,
"made a few 'off -hand' speeches."
' jgprri.town Herald.
Constant Dead-Head writes to ask:
'What is a ham omelette?" A "ham,"
Constant, is the technical name applied
to a bad actor. When an infuriated
audience pelts him with archaic hen-
fruit, the result is a ham omelette.
Hardly any one can step out of his
own door without finding something
' hat can be benefited by his good offices.
he sees it aright, and give his heart
hand to it, he will, then and there.
naking a" contribution to the world's
tovement The talk we hear some-
. about the want of a "f
- -. Ner of insincerity 0
SliuVrats and Woodrhucks Kngage la a
iSeries of fatal Duels.
An amusing encounter between
muskrats and woodchucks was wit
nessed along the Rondout creek in tha
town of Rochester a day or two ago.
These little animals aro bitterly antag
onistic to each other, but it is not often
that fifty of tho woodchucks array
themselves in battle against an even
number of the rats. The enemies met
on a narrow neck of land, the musk
rats occupying the position nearest the
water, while the woodchucks formed
in a half-circle some eighteen or twen
ty feet away.
The attack was begun by an unusual
ly large woodehucli, who darted out
from its fellows and ran in front of the
solid mass of rats as though inviting
an encounter. The ' challenge was
finally accepted by a big muskrat, the
battle between them lasting several
minutes. The strangest feature of the
fight was that the rest of the animals
were mere spectators of the fight
"Neither the rats nor woodchucks
changed their position till the first
battle was ended and the woodchuck
lay dead. Thon two more sallied forth
from each side and engaged in battle,
these being followed by others until
the ground was strewn with the dead
bodies of chucks and rats. At no time
did the fight become general, nor was
there a cessation of hostilities till at
least three-fourths of the entire num
ber originally engaged on both sidea
lay dead or dying.
Perhaps the oddest part of this
unique spectacle was the burying of
the dead. The chucks carefully gath
ered their dead comrades and con
signed them, one by one, to the waters
of the Rondout creek. The muskrats
did the same thing, though in a slower
and more dignified manner. The rats
stood on the bank and watched the
scene, while the woodchucks retired
in confusion to their liberally-provided
winter nests. ,Y. 1". 2Y mes.
Prairie Doga, Owls and Rattlesnake as
The other day I was riding through
California on my way from Los
Angeles to San Francisco. It was near
evening, and we had for some distance
passed through a plain covered with
very broad, low, gently-curved
mounds. These were, perhaps, fifteen
or twenty feet in diameter and not
more than one or two feet in height.
Suddenly, on the summit of one ol
them, I saw a comical little gray owl
solemnly blinking at the train as it
whizzed by. I rubbed my eyes tc
assure myself that I was awake, and
then kept a sharp lookout. Soon 1
saw another, and then a couple look
ing at one another, and here another
and there one. Owls, certainly, and
plenty of them. I now suspected we
were passing through a prairie-dog
town, and I looked at the low mounds
with increased interest. They were
not at ail like the pictures I had seen.
They were not so steep or hij'b. At
last i saw one of the dogs, standing up
on his hind legs a fat, clumsy little
fellow, something like a woodchuck in
size and general appearance. Then
there were more of them. Some dis
appeared instantly into their holes;
others kept courage and watched us.
So we went on miles of prairie-dog
town; hundreds of dogs; hundreds ol
This is an example of what a nat
uralist calls Animal Companion
ship." The prairie dogs dig their
burrows deep into the earth and throw
up the mounds of earth aroind the
mouth of it. Then these queer little
owls, in sober gray, come and live
with them or take possession of de
serted nests. They say, too, that a
third lodger comes and "bunks in''
with them both the prairie rattle
snake. A queer trio of fellow-lodgers,
the prairie dog, the owls and the rat
tlesnakes! Nor do they always get on
pleasantly together. Swiss Cross.
TYPHOID FEVER CURE.
A Life paved by the Application of Salt
Pish to the Patient's Feet.
A beautiful young woman, over
whose head had passed, but eighteen
summers, and to whom life offered only
the prospect of unending pleasures, she
being surrounded with all the comforts
that loving hearts and wiXii ktnds,
supported by adequate means, could
afford, was recently taken ill with
typhoid fever. The best medical tal
ent that could be obtained was called
in, but without avail, and a few even
ings since all was gloom in the hand
somest residence in Fordham, where
she lay ill. Her physicians had de
parted at a late hour, saying that be
fore morning; the end would come.
An aged aunt from the country, who
was on a visit, happened fortunately
to remember that years ago, when the
yellow fever prevailed in this city, a
physician who had then but recently
come fro-m Ireland had broken the
fever and saved many lives by apply
ing salt fish to the feet of the patients.
This suggestion as seized upon by
the now hopeless parents of the girl,
and salt mackerel, vhich they hap
pened fortunately to have in the house,
were applied to the fair patient's feet
by her anxious relatives during the re
mainder of the night. When the doc
tors called the next morning, expecting
to hear of the death of their patient,
they were astonished to find that the
fever had considerably abated. To-day
the young woman, who was "given up"
by her medical advisers, is convales
cent N. Y. Telegram.
To relie 7e coughing roast a lemon
without burning it. When entirely hot,
squeeze the juice into a cup on three
ounces of finely powdered sugar. Take
a teaspoonful whenever you feel like
Home-made Cologne Water. One
quart of alcohol; three drams each of
oil of lavender, bergamot and essence
of lemon, one dram of oil of rosemary
and three drops oil of cinnamon. Good
That the universe was formed by a
fortuitous concourse of atoms, I will
no nsore believe than that the accident
al jumbling of the alphabet would fall
into a mott ingenious treatise of philos--.-hy.
Prayer is the preface to the book
of Christian living; the text of the life
sermon; the girding on the armor for
battle; the pilgrim's preparation for
his journey. It must be supplemented
by action, or it amounts to nothing.
Common mercies and repeated
blessings become an old story, and are
apt to be neglected. It is the rare that
arrests attention and" excites interest
There is danger that the number of DI
' -e promises may cheapen them in our
-: unation and make us indifferent to
TIME WAS PRECIOUS.
A Possum Kldge Courtship and Its Hap
Old Hobson's fourth wife had been
dead a month, when ono morning he
caught up his horse, saddled him with
an old sheepskin famished with rope
stirrups, and mounting rode off down
the "hog path" leading to 'Squire
Beeson's in the interior of Missouri.
Hobson was in a hurry, but the old
horse wasn't and went on at leisure
"Drat slch er jokin' crittor," old
Sim mused as he klekod and thumped
his heels against the old plug's bony
sides. "If er feller's in er hurray he'd
He thumped and kicked till at last
the critter" broke into a jogging
trot, which he hold for a dozen yards,
then relapsed again into his natural
gait, a sort of a cross between a walk
and a crawl.
Riding up to Beeson's front gate Sim
Hobson "helloed" two or three times,
and then a grizzled, gray, unshorn
head was thrust out at the slightly
opened door and a voice exclaimed:
"How'dy, Hobson! Git down, git
"Hain't time, I reckon, 'Squire."
"Summat of er hurry, eh?"
"Yas, I'm goin" ter git married, an'
I want yer tor go 'long an jine us."
"Who yer goin ter marry, Sim?"
"Dunno for shore 3-it, but I ruther
'spect I'll jine onter old Miss Skaggs."
"Spoke to 'er erbout It, I reckon?"
"No, not yit I ain't, but I reckon
it'll be all right with her. If it hain't
we'll go on down to Miss Thompson's.
I know she'll be willla. Thought I'd
take yer 'long so's to make one trip do
an' hev it over. 'Tain't no use ter be
foolln' erway two days er gettln' mar
ried, when ther crop is in ther grass,
'an asides, marryin er wife hain't no
more'n buyin of er hoss."
"Yer sensible thar. Sim," the
Squire said as he led forth his horse.
and he and Hobson rode away to Widow
When they rode up the widow was
out in the back yard boiling soap. She
knew old Hobson's errand as quick as
she noted the fact that he was wearing
a white shirt and that his shoes had
been freshly dressed with a coat of
"Gevenin. Miss Skaggs," Sim said.
"Howdy, Hobson," she replied.
" 1 ve tuck er notion ter marry
ergin," Hobson went on, an me an
the Squire's come ter see ef yer
willin ter jine me.
" Right now, o' case. 1 fotch ther
Squire erlong for that purpose."
Wal, I hain't thought much of it.
but bein as you've gone ter the trouble
o bringin ther Squire, I reckon 1
mout as well marry yer."
" Drive ahead then. Squire," Hob
son said; "we re ready.
"Hitch yer fists," the Squire com
manded, "an less git through, fer I
potter tote er turn o' corn ter milL"
"I'm ready," the widow said taking
eld Hobson's hand, "but hurry up.
fer that fetched soap's goin' ter bile
The Squire went through the cere
mony in short order, while the widow
kept her eye on the soap kettle to
see that it did not bile over. Detroit
HOW TIGERS EAT.
A Coople of Them Penally Finish a Cow
at One Sitting.
A Hindoo expert on tigers gives the
following interesting information
about the appetites of tigers and their
manner of devouring their prey:
"An ordinary -sized tiger and tigress
will finish a cow or such animal at one
sitting, leaving only the head. The
tigress begins at the shoulders and
eats downward. When their, heads
come together in the middle of the
animal, they know that there is no
more left, and quit eating.
"Before eating the tiger always
drags its prey a 6hort distance. After
the meal, the tiger sometimes lies
down by the skeleton, but if there are
hills in the neighborhood, it will prob
ably go off and find a cool spot for its
'If any thing has been left, the tiger
will return the next night to eat it, but
it never makes the second meal on the
same spot as the first, always dragging
the body a short distance away.
"The tiger can eat half a bullock in
two hours. Tigers will also eat each
other if it is more convenient than to
hunt up other provisions. They are
supposed to kill only once in five
or six days, and in fact, do prob
ably sleep and doze for several dars
after they have gorged themselves, but
they will kill whenever they get a
chance, and it is on record that one
tiger killed for fourteen consecutive
They will wander immense dis
tances at night, always taking the easi
est paths and frequently traveled roads
on that account The move about lit
tle in daytime because the hot ground
burns their feet" Golden Days.
Business Is Business.
Railroad President Did you get the
injured passengers in that accident
satisfied so they won't sue for dam
ages? Under Secretary Yes, sir, The
worst injured were drummers, who are
used to that sort of thing, and three
dollars worth of cigars fixed them all
right The only other one was a man
who had his nose broken.
"Eh? What did you do with him?"
" As the accident changed his pug
cose to a very handsome Roman I
charged him one hundred dollars for
the operation. So, you 6ee, we are
ninety -seven dollars ahead." Phila
PERSONAL AND IMPERSONAL.
George Gabriel, who left recently
H0.0OO to Yale College and $15,000 to
Tale Divinity School, made his fortune
in New Haven by repairing umbrellas.
Senator John Sherman is called
an icicle by men who don't know him.
Those who have met him socially say
that he is a most companionable fellow.
Mrs. Sarah W. Coates of Kansas
City is worth 110,000,000, which all
came from a little nest-egg of $2,000,
which her husband planted in real
James Densmore, who now has an
income of $60,000 a year from his type
writer patent, was a newspaper can
vasser in St Paul a few years ago at
$8 a week.
The housekeeper of Warwick
Castle, England, who died recently,
left a fortune of $350,000, all of which
had come to her in the shape of fees
A Baltimore girl, worth $200,000,
met a young man she liked and asked
him to marry her. He said he was too
poor," but concluded to accept when he
four"'. v the girl was fixed.
A 'Wary Fish to Catrh and a Complicated
ciystem of Seining.
Sardine Ishing begins in May or
June and sometimes lasts as late aa
November. Boats come from Douar-
nenez to take advantage of the early
run, and, as the season wanes, return.
At times there are as many as 1,200
boats engaged here in the pursuit
These boats are about thirty feet long,
entirely open except a sliort deck at
the stern, and cary two masts that can
be readily taken down. The sails have
no booms, and whenever a tack is
made they have to be run down and
put up on Che opposite side of the
mast the windward side.
When at work the rigging is some
times completely cleared away so that
the boat has no appearance of being
adapted to sails. It is then pulled
along by huge sweeps. The fish are
not caught by inclosing them as when
a seine is used, but the net which is
of small mesh and made of linen tread,
often died blue to render it less appa
rent in the water, for the sardine is
wary, is made to trail straight behind
the boat That is the net, about twen
ty feet long edge and buoyed with
cork floats on the other, so that
when it is in the water it assumes
an upright position like a wall,
and it is towed in this position
through the water, by one end, as
tho boat is moved slowly along. The
patron mounts the little deck at the
stern with a bucket of bait called roug.
tho eggs rt codfish, under one arm,
and bis keen, practiced eye ranging
the wave. He scatters a little of the
roug on one side of the net when he
discovers the proximity of the fish, and
they rise in a shoal to take it
This is the critical moment He
throws a quautity on the opposite side,
and the fish, making a dash for it. are
entangled in the meshes. When the
sardines are numerous the boat does
not halt to take the net on board, but
by giving it a certain pull the meshes
are tightened, and with a buoy to mark
It, it is cast off and left till a full catch
is made. So many fish have been
known to entangle themselves that
their weight carried the net down and
it was never recovered. Another net
is immediately put out, and the opera
tion is repeated till the nets are all
used. Then comes the picking up and
the extraction of the fish, the latter
work being performed with great care,
because handling the fish injures them.
The net is caught up at the ends and
see-sawed till 'the fish drops into the
bottom of the boat, where they remain
till the arrival in port Bulletin Amer
ican Geographical Society.
FOUR OLD POETS.
The IMfflcntties t'nder Which They Areola
Illhed Their Life-Work.
Homer lived ab ut a thousand year?
before the Christian era; his Iliad was
the first great oem written. He lived
nearer the time of the Greek war than
any other author, and it it is right to
suppose he knew what he was talking
about Like Milton, this author was
blind, and used to stand on the street
and recite his poems, the fragments of
which have been gathered up and
handed down to us. Homer was the
model for all the poets who followed
Virgil follows Homer, as to time.
He had a liberal education and every
advantage which could promote liter
ary culture; in this he had a better
chance than Homer. His style is more
beautiful and perfect than Homer's
though he obtained many of his ideas
from him. It is said Virgil and Milton
were both plagiarists, but that it was
as honest for these authors to copy the
old writer as it is for a sculptor to
Dante was a follower and admirer
of both Homer and Virgil. He
studied Virgil closely and has some
thing of his style. His Inferno
is very much like Virgil's descrip
tion of Hades in Book Six of the
iEneid; his style is more thrilling and
real, however. The life of this man
was very sad; he spent nineteen years
in. banishment from the city of his
birth; then his own words became true
of himself :
" Thou shalt nnve proof,
How avoretli of suit the bread of others.
And how hard a road
The going down nnd up another's stairs."
Milton was a follower of all these
men. and it is said he was the most
classic of English writers; he was also
4 Christian poet
The lives of all these authors were
much alike, in that each had some
great trouble; it is supposed that
Homer composed his Iliad and his
Odyssey from the memories of his
childhood, after he became blind. Dan
te composed his Divine Comedy while
wandering in exile; his admirers called
it divine, but he called it a comedy,
because it had a happy ending. Virgil
wrote during political troubles, and
while enduring a long illness; Milton
wrote his Paradise Lost after he be
Therefore, the best part of the life
work of each was accomplished under
difficulties. Treasure Trove.
The proper mode of treating muck
is to dig it up in the fall and let it re
main exposed in order to permit the
frost to pulverize it and also to allow
it to undergo a chemical change.
When in a fine, dry condition it is
superior to all other absorbents for
use in the stalls and for saving the
The banana peel has at length
found a rival. A Portland, Ore., man
slipped on a wet leaf and broke his
shin-bone. A curious feature of the
accident is that be walked around for
two days before he knew he was hurt
All the speeches and adcresses de
livered duritg the past twenty years
or 60 by Albert Edward are to be pub
lished. They will be known as the
prints of Wales. Philadelphia Ledger
If the problems of the time are
properly dealt with, it would be found.
at least in our own favored land, that
"Poverty and Progress" would not be
used as correlative terms by any politi
cal economists. Thrift and economy
among the laboring classes would g
far toward the reduction of waste im
providence and criminal carelessness in
regard to provision for sickness and
old age; ar d go far also toward solving
the labor problem. Mrs. M. J. Gorton.
The young men and women who
can look poverty fairly and squarely in
the face, are too few. We want more
of the young men who an wear old
clothes till they can pay cash for "new
ones, or who are willing to walk till they
can afford to ride. We want mora of
the young women who are willing to do
their own work till they can afford t-.
pay somebody to do it and who will live
nncomplaraingly in one room till they
can afford to furnish two.
A SCIENTIFIC WONDER.
Tha Phonograph an I Soma of Its Peeo-
llarltles and Possibilities.
If the achievements of science had
not already familiarized the people
with the age of fable in which they
live, the rooms in which there was
lately exhibited in this city the perfect
ed phonograph, upon which EdlBon
has spent some of the best years of his
life, would have been crowded hourly
with an awe-struck multitude. Of all
the wonders of invention, this is un
questionably the greatest
With tho mere principle of the ma
chine we were acquainted years ago;
how the sound waves created by the
voice in speaking or Blnglng act upon
a sensitive plate of mica, and are thence
transmitted to a vibrating steel point
pressed close against the surface of a
cylinder of wax; how the tiny waving
Bpirai thus traced is an absolutely
faithful record of the emitted sound;
how tho process may be reversed, the
vibrating point be made to retraverse
its course, and its movements be again
received by a sensitive diaphragm, and
made audible by a resonant multipli
cation of the sound. In fact, there is
nothing more wonderful or difficult to
understand about the principle of the
phonograph than about that of the tel
ephone. But it will appear, none the
loss, a weird and diabolical thing for
years to corns.
The invention is now really per
fected. He who sets the transmitter
at work and listen at the ear-piece can
hear the words originally spoken repro
duced with the fimous accuracy of ma
chine work, and with a human quality
of which it might seem that no ma
chine la capable. There Is no diminu
tion in tho volume of sound, no loss of
any distinguishing characteristic The
quality and peculiarities of the individ
ual voice, every inflection and accent
every interruption and imperfection is
there with the same fidelity with
which a plate-glass mirror returns the
features of one gazing into it And
then, wondar of wonders, the funnel ol
the speaking tubo is applied to the ma
chine, and the auditor, standing distant
by the space of a large room, hears a
Bpeech delivered or a song repeated as
distinctly as if he were in the presence
of the performer. It is the talking ma
chine, with which the public will re
quire long conversance to rid them
selves of the creepine3s of superstition.
The practical utility and commer
cial value of the machine are not yet
decided. But it will find its place as
speedily as the telephone and the
type-writer. The o wner of the phono
graph can hear th-3 finest efforts of
oratory and the divinest effects of
music reproducai in his own library
at pleasure. Member of families
divided by thousand of milei can
hold actual converse in place of the
unsatlsfactoiy records of the pen.
The human voice and manner ere
made capable of preservation through
all the ages. More than this, the
practicability of stereotyping these
wax cylinders and reproducing any
number of them discloses the nature
of the library of the future. An enter
prising publisher will employ a
skilled elocutionist to read into the
phonograph the new novel that is the
sensation of the day.
The resulting cylinders will be ste
reotyped and multiplied. Instead of
buying the new book, the tired man of
business will purchase the two or
three cylinders that contain it and
have his phonograph read it to him in
the leisure evening hours. The meth
ods of employment are many already,
and new applications can be made. In
one respect the phonograph Is not in
accord with the spirit of the age. It
is, for most purposes, not a time
saver; and the economy of time is,
above all other things, a demand of
the practical generation. But it will
find its varied uses, soon to become
indispensable: and in itself it must
stand for the present as the crowning
marvel of science, -SL Paul Pioneer
Press. MADE HIM INDIGNANT.
Why aa Arkana I armer Disowns His
An old fellow stood leaning on a
gate. A young woman cautiously ap
proached. "May I come in?" she asked.
"No, you kain't!"' he exclaimed.
"Ain't you never goin' ter let me
" Go on away now. Clear out"
The woman went away, and the
man who overheard the conversation
went up to the old fellow and asked him
why he had driven the woman away.
"'Cause she's my daughter an'
didn't marry ter suit me," he answered.
Didn't she do well?"
'No; she flung herself away, when
she mout er hit the nail squar' on the
" Don't you think that her husband
will make a living?"
He mout do tha but a livln' ain't
the thing. The fe Her has got land an'
hogs an' hosses, but the feller that I
wanted her to marry has got three o'
the best fox-hounds in the country."
" Yes, but has he got any thing
"Any thing else! Why, blast yo'
ignunt hide, what do you mean? Look
here, you'd better go on, now, fur I
don't believe it's a good idee to have
you loafin' erbout the neighborhood.
Any thing else! Go on erway, now.
or I'll Bet the dogs on you!" Ark m
" Well, Uncle Cicero, what makes
you look so glum?" "Yes, Bah; tctell
you the trufe, my ole woman has be
gun to make buckwheat cakes and she
hasn't got into the swing of it yet
sah." -AT. 1'. World.
"This paper is lull of cereal
stories," replied Mr. MeCorkle. "Ah,
then, I must read it,"responded his wife,
"I'm so fond of fiction." Then MeCorkle
handed to her the sample 3opy of a
Dakota paper full of lies about the
wheat yield. The Idea.
Sweet girl "Please look at this
ring and tell me whether the diamonds
are paste or not" Jeweler "Those
are genuine diamonds." "Really?"
"Yes, Indeed, Miss, and rare ones.
They cost a great deal of money." "O,
dear! And I wouldn't promise to be
any thing but a sister to him, and now,
boo! hoo! he's gone." Philadelphia
Mistres8(to domestic) "You were
out late again last night, were you
notP" Domestic "Yes mum." "Whre
were you, if I may ask?" "At a party.
mum." "That makes four parties
within a weak. If you keep on in this
way out late nights you will not live
out half your days." "I don't expect
to, mum. I'm to be married soon, and
then I'll live out no more" Texa
CADY ELLEN BOROUGH.
Mrs. Lt WalUce'i htory of an Eccentric-Enll-th
Mrs. LewvWallace In her famous
book. "The Repose in Egypt" gives
an exceedingly flowery account of Lady
Ellenborough, the eccentric wife of an
English nobleman, who, emulating the
example of Lady Hcster"stanhope and
Lady Mary Wortley Montague, not to
mention a French lady, Mme. de la
Tour d'Auvergne, who built herself a
temple on the top of Mount Olivet and
lives thare now, deserted her country
and wont to live in the far Hist Mrs
Wallace Bays of her: One day she fled
to Italy, and, after years of reckless
living, thence to Greece. The House
of Lords easily granted a divorce to
her husband, and the children re
mained with him. By the terms of
tho divorce a large income was allot
ted her, and she set up the standard of
wit and beauty, and to it flocked genius
and valor. She married again, a no
bleman of Greece, from whom she was
separated by command of King Otho.
Determined to rival Chatham's eccen
tric granddaughter, she sailed away
from Greece to see what the gorgeous
East is made of. Her ample income
gave means of gratifying a taste ex
quisite as it was luxurious servants,
carriages, furniture, plate, linen, a
French maid, the companion of her
changeful moods, even her little lap-dog
went with her. There are old citizens
of Beyrout who remember the stir
among an idle populace when the great
English lady landed at the sea-port
Her languages gave her the broadest
range of acquaintance, and she had a
genius for friendships. Officials of
rank crowded the salon, a throne room.
where she spoke in one evening
French, Italian, Slav, German, Span
ish, Arabic, Turkish and Greek as
readily as her native tongue. Page
after page is devoted by Mrs. Wallace
to describing the surroundings and life
of the wonderful woman who grew
tired of Damascus and set out for the
h'.lls of the fire worshipers, Bagdad.
For guidance and guardianship she
traveled with a squad of Anazehs un-'
dera Sheik. Mrs. Wallace does not
thibk it best to tell names and tales to
gether, so she calls the Sheik Aular.
His real name was Digby el Mezrab.
In describing bim she takes occasion
to say that when you find the best
Oriental, the exquisite grace of his
bearing, the smooth, patient courteous
dignity of his manner.surpass the high
est breeding of Christian courts.
Then she quotes a remark of an ac
quaintance, who says: "The further
east you go the finer the manner.
First imonj tlie sons of men for polish
and urbanity is the Arabian: next to
him the Turk; then comes the Italian;
then the Spaniard and Frenchman;
then the cold, stiff Englishman, and,
lastly, the helter-skelter American,
and I presume California is worse
than Chicago, though I have never
Lady Ellenborough married the
Sheik in his tent in the desert with no
witnesses but Arabs, and according to
the laws of Islam. The bride found to
her horror when she returned to
Damascus that she had forfeited her
nationality, and had become a Turkish
subject She never repented of her
bargain, but made over her properly
to her husband, and lived with him for
fifteen years, when she died, regretted
by the tribe and by all Arabs. She
was devotedly attached to her hus
band and he to her. The wife of the
English Consul at Damascus, who
knew her, said that she and her hus
band were never apart; that she kept
his respect and was the mother and
Queen of his tribe. When she died a
rare shrine was erected in her memory
The romance of Lady Ellenborough s
life Mrs. Wallace heard under the
palms sung in a low, slow song by
an Anazeh, who had no thought when
singing that the wife of the American
Minister to Turkey was listening.
Wrecked by Eating Cloves.
A physician of Syracuse says that
one of the strangest cases that have
come undor his observation in prac
tice is a Syraeuse young lady who is
addicted to the habit of chewing
cloves. For several years her friend3
and physicians have been fighting, to
break her of a habit which she carries
to such an excess that her life will be
the penalty paid. At times she breaks
herself of the habit for a few weeks,
but sooner or later goes back to it
with renewed energy. She has been
known to chew a pound of them with
in three days." All the chemists have
been warned not to give her the spice,
and many of the grocers also, but she
manages somehow to supply herself
with it in spite of the watchfulness and
precautions of her family. The effects
of the excessive use of the spice re
sembles somewhat the effect of opium,
and her sense of taste has been wholly
destroyed by it N. 1. World.
A Diploma That Talked.
A young man entered a. Woodward
avenue car one day last week and be
gan to distribute leaflets to the passen
gers. His manne was quiet and he
had not the appearance of being a
crank. Each person approached took
the tract so gently offered, and at least
made a show of reading it Only one
man rejected the free offering.
You had better be at work," he
said, rudely; "that's my religion."
The tract distributer made no
answer until he was rid of all the
tracts. Then he turned to the
grumbler and held out his two hands
without speaking a word.
They were horny and calloused with
hard work. His appeal was more elo
quent than speech. Detroit Free Press.
During a very bad performance
of "Hamlet" by a ,barn-storming
party in a country theater the audi
ence in its entirety commenced to hiss.
with the exception of one man. At
last the man next to him said: "Why
don't you hiss this show?" It would
hardly be fair," he said, " as I came
in with an order; but if they don't do
better pretty soon, I'm hanged if I
don't go out and buy a ticket and join
hmjith "i'artner, that was a
mighty powerful sermon that minister
gave us yesterday on business honesty,
I can name some people in this town
who ought to have heard it By the
way, how much glucose are you mixing
with the sugar now?" Bjones
About two pounds to one." Smjith
"Well, perhaps you'd better make it
half and half." Bjones Deacon Barl
told me that minister was a rank new
departure man. Smjith "Is that so?
Well, well, I don't take any stock in
that sort of heresy. Say, Bjones; I
guess we won't make any change in
the sugar at present" bpnngjiela
xamara of tha Queen's II o tine hold Uk
to Aet aa Plain People.
The custom of English royal families
are frequently startling, original, and
over-elaborate to a New Englander. But
at the same time there Is frequently con
siderable simplicity observable, partic
ularly so the higher in rank you go.
The royal family, although surrounded
by inevitable forms and ceremonies, at
every opportunity maken effort to
free themselves from these cu1ftctq
restraints. For instance, if you visit
a guest at Marlborough House you will
find less formality and etiquette than
in many families lower down in the
social scale. Such haughty old dames
as the Dowager-Duchess of Marl
borough and others of her style would
not put you at your ease as do the
Prince and Princess of Wales by their
simple manners. A friend of mine who
visited them told me they entered the
room where he waited them, unan
nounced, and greeted him simply and
cordially. Only the first words ad
dressed to them must be "your Roydt
Highness," and need not be said again.
The Prince, in fact particularly enjoys
an unconstrained manner in those about
him; the easier you are, within the
bounds of good breeding, the better he
likes you. He talks little himself, al
though he makes an excellent speech
and address, but be is a good listener.
He, like all the reigning family, speaks
with a slight German accent his r's be
ing very foreign.
The Princess, of course, B peaks with
even more of an accent and, as she is
quite deaf, she also is not much of a
conversationalist There are people
who think she has nothing to say. My
lady readers may be interested to know
that her three daughters have been
taught at the Dress Reform Association
to make their own dresses, which are
always simple, but admirably cut and
fitted. The wardrobe of the Princess
is kept in a large upper room at the
Marlborough house, which room is
lined with shelves, inclosed by doors.
All the dresses are folded in large sheets
on these shelves, which draw out and
two or three maids have charge of a
large and gorgeous assortment of cos
tumes of every conceivable occasion.
No servant is allowed to be seen by
their Royal Highness, except those
whose duty is to be with them or near
them. As they approach the maids
and men must hide themselves, but this
custom is not confined to royalty; it ex
ists in ail other houses of the aristoc
racy as welL And there is a well-
known Duke who. if in driving over his
estates sees a servant or a laborer, has
him discharged at once, and should the
trembling hire' in g hear him approach
climbs the nearest tree or hides himself
behind it or a bush, as though guilty of
some misdemeanor. But this Duke is
nothing, if not eccentric For instance.
the finest apartments in one of his cas
tles are under the ground, and. except
for an occasional ride or drive, he lives
buried beneath the surface of the earth,
in a princely manner, to be sure, but in
perpetual candle light or, let us hope,
electric light Boston Transcript.
"HE'S IN THE SOUP."
The Origin of the latest Addition to the
Toeabnlarj of Slang.
Every body and every thing thai
doesn't just suit every body else is sure
to be consigned by somebody or othei
to "the soup." The world, in fact
seems to have become an immense
tureen, and all its inhabitants are float
ing about like chopped vegetables in a
julienne. Why this should be so and
why the "in the soup" idea should be
uppermost now in the mind of every
citizen who wants to say something
funny is not more apparent than was
a while ago the reason for every one
being inclined to tell every one else to
Let her go, Gallagher V The origin
of both expressions is involved in ob
In the soup" first achieved classic
authority, so far as can now be ascer
tained, in one of the picturesque stories
of what are called "sporting" events.
The event was the arrival in this
country last fall of Kilrain, the pugilist
The situation was that the big Cunar-
der, Etruria, with the pugilist aboard,
lay in the darkness off quarantine wait
ing for morning, and a tug with Kil
rain's friends aboard was hovering
about anxious to get Kilrain off and
bring him up to the city.' The captain
of the Etruria had announced, with a
severity that seemed unnecessary, that
no such drunken ' crew should come
anywhere near his vessel. The
disconsolate but not unhappy crowd in
the tug had to content itself with howl
ing greetings to Kilrain across a watery
gulf that separated the two vessels.
One of the men on the tug, Johnson
by name, was so anxious to get as near
Kilrain as possible that he tumbled
overboard. One of his companions.
witnessing this act instead of assailing
the still depths of the darkness that
brooded over the waves by shouts for
help or shocking the calm stars over
head with frantic cries for a rope, sim
ply balanced himself against the rail
and cai'ed out:
"Ho! Johnston's fell in de soup!"
The sublime audacity of the compar
ison of the great Atlantic to a plate of
soup was w asted on the drunken crew
that heard it but the waves chuckled
gleefully ripples against tho tug's
sides, the stars twinkled merrily, and
next morning, when people read about
it it tickled the public fancy so that the
new slang became quickly the pet ex
pression of the day, and by this time
it has attained just about ripeness
enough to make it ready to pick and
lay away along witt- Mr- Gallagher and
other slarr once of repute.. N. T.
WIT AND WISDO.VL
Nothing is so uncertain as the minds
of the multitude. Livtf.
A little knowledge wisely used is
better than all knowledge disused.
We promise according to our
hopes and perform according to our
When a man settles money on his
son it frequently unsettles the son.
Blessed be mirthfulness! It is one
of the renovators of the world. Men will
let you abuse them if only you will
make them laugh. Beecher.
The man who is suspicious lives in
a constant state of unhap iues I
would be better for his peaco of mind to
be too trustful than too guarded.
Tho condition of the world would
be improved if men were to think less
of the dishonor of submiHing to wrong,
and more of the dishonor of doing it
What is liberty without wisdom
and without virtue? It is the greatest
ef all evils; for it is folly, vice and mad
ness, without tuition or restraint
Why College Men Ar Jfot M ocr. of a Soe
cesa Out la Dakota.
Why don't college men do well out in
Dakota? Because the country's too big
for 'em; they can't fill up fee room out
there. I'll tell you one reason why the
natives don't take to "em; We built a
railroad out there, me and Bill Slearcy
we're a progressive erow4 oat in Da
kota one of the finest rjjds you ever
saw. It was onlv a h'jd miles long.
and a hundred naljL." ,.y much in Da
kota, but itj5rtrraiiro4 from top to
L'3ttom. "WVd made a Tpiie o money.
e and T?ilL nnd vcf. flhnul nxnnl 7r.
Mley. and when the countrv beeati to
e)" settled up we said we'd give 'em a
Ittil-oad. and we did. That railrnl
COSt 1 Km -I . t-
. 1. j .-i mi ii. 1 , .k ta nuiiii
It. X I ,T n" f airtr, o f TiitVin, 4- 1,
' " " ' " . kivi' ... "Hi lug I.. Aii H TJ
Ulrt.lnca "Tho Zrr2.- -X7!l.- 2-
" niciu r&i-c, v.
railroad" w4 called it Ca.-s
d veneerfed. vellow tln.h
& seats, every thing tip-
Xo M.ve silver mount
Vs, but Bill wouldn't
inker, Bill is, and
. - train robbers
'". iey'd tear the cars
. x go at nickeL
, " .4 regular Eastern
lngs onv, - .
have that i
to pieces, so
vteu, 1 ve
road, with t -
la to call out the sizr-
Hons. J te.'vt.!. i
the West, yc; fi , fQp
brakemen bu dered college grad
Lrfingto have every
. r"1" " f -n 'am sent out there ,
M trained up r, for the firat tH
They was as fine a 1c cf
as you a want 10 j see. Vr v, j t
into their blue uniforms, wi v
gold outtona aTd
$d silver ba
a: a '
now I tell you, And I said to "Liu
morning we was eoinff to va'.l eat on
the first trip. "BJU this is a great coun
try; we beat the tworld on every thing
Bill wasn't so f cheerful. He ain't a
feather-brained ipan, yon know, and he
don't often let h,"is feeliars run awav
with him. I nevW knew him to warm
up over any thin- but Injuns. He did
used to get a litt I worked npwrihera
critters in tha i arly da vs. WelL he
said he hored everv thinor would turn
out all right but the wasn't going to yell
before he got out kf the woods.
We had a cr(wd on the first trip.
Every body was' there. Every thing
worked well when we started. But tha
thing I wanted nost was to hear the
brakeman call Out the station. That
was what I was waiting for. I h&i
white posts put up just where I wanted,
him to open the 5 far and shout out the
station. I began : jo get nervoua when
we got near Bee it-riss. "Beatrice,"
some people call "It I don't object to
that if people like it but we pronounce
itBeeat-riss out there, to rhyme with
matrese, you know. Bee-at-riss. We
named it after Sheriff Bowie's little gii-L
As I said, I began to get nervous when
we got near Bee-at-riss. I was afraid,
he'd forget about the white post and I
didn't want to have the whole thing
But he remembered it and my heart
just jumped when he threw the door
open suddenly. Then that infernal
college dude screamed outi "Bay-a-tree-chay!
Bay-a-tree-chay! this sta
tion is Bay-a-tree-hay!"
I went into the' telegraph "office and
telegraphed down to Friezedale for the
lynching party. And that's why yon
see so many college men's graves out
in Dakota, young nan. N. Y. Tribune.
Flow a "Xerry
Hi, Stoci of Cash.
Numerous instances are on record of
the striking self-possession, or in the
vernacular, "nerv$," possessed by Sam
Sample, Concealed under this psett?
donym is a traveling man who has
friends from one cast to the other.
Before he had made his success as a
commercial traveler he was staying in
Minneapolis for bo reason whatever
except that he happened to be there
and couldn't get away. He was a raaa
of good appearance, however, and go
ing to a hotel he registered ia an im
pressive manner. In a short time he
was well acquainted with the landlord,
and when he spoke of a draft that func
tionary "very promptly undertook tho
responsibility of cashing it
"Just make out your draft" said the
landlord. - "Here, this pfeceei-oiote"
paper will do." , r '
Sam sat down and in a short time re
marked: "Here's a draft for fifty now,
if you will oblige me ah, thanks!"
"But" said the landlord, "yon
haven't made the draft on any body.
There's no drawer."
"Oh, that's all right" said Sam;
"You know more people than I do;
just fill it in to suit yourself. 1 left i
blank on purpose."
It is but justice to Sam to say tEatnw
is entirely square with the landlord
now and that he could cash a draft for
Eve hundred there to-day if he desired,
High'y Intelligent Proverb
Don' be onrop'lar. De onpop'iar man
ain' liked by de neighbors.
De whitewash brush covereth a mul
titude er spots.
De man wot steals money funs de
pocket ob his friends sin' no better dan
Don eat a h'arty dinner ef yer ain
hungry en have t' pajS for it
Don' propose marriage to an old maid
onless you want to mar;r y her. '
Truf am mighty, but he ain' stuers easy
to trabbel with. i
De American citizen ; am a king in he
own right but he ain't got no subjects.
De wise man leabs his winders on
locked at night so dat de boyglers won't
hev t' smash de glass t gH in. Har
1 11 m m i
He Was a Good Judge, '
' - . - .'.
"My friend," said the man who r
Lghting a cigar, to th proprietor o
store, that clerk of s"our3 sold a
cent cigar to the fettow who Has jus
gone out and he took it from the same
box from which he'sbld me this five
center. He mut bo a poor judge of
"John is all rlgbt," replied the pro
prietor, quietly, 'lie is a good judge,
lie never mak's n mistake in a cus
tomer.' Ckicogo Tribune.
There is a Massachusetts maiden
so modest that she would not look at a
salad dressing. Rochester Express.
Customer "What yo charge for
"Imperials, $S per dozen; duplicates,
t3 per dozen. " Customer "Wall. J
guess rie jeshab hal dozen duplica'
tooken." Harper's Weekly.
Sharp -What ia the ,
day of the week, Ketchum?"
(who is not on the eve r .-.
"Friday, I surpos' -,
Sunday; all the otV -
See?" Detroit r . 'x-: