OPINION
Page 6 n THE ASIAN REPORTER
March 20, 2017
Volume 27 Number 6
March 20, 2017
ISSN: 1094-9453
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MY TURN
n Dmae Roberts
Listening
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A
ctive listening takes work. I’ve learned this
from many years of interviewing people. I
have in the past been criticized for
interrupting people while conversing, especially
with men. Perhaps that’s a reason I became a
professional interviewer for radio; I found that
holding a microphone and recording people’s
thoughts made me focus wholly on listening without
interruption.
A good interview highlights a conversation
between two or more people. Even though you’re
asking questions, you’re also involved in the
dialogue. Eye contact, facial cues, and appropriate
head nodding as communication all encourage an
interviewee to continue talking. Showing interest,
keeping an open mind, and creating a comfortable
environment inspires people to share their thoughts
and feelings.
Through active listening, I’ve now become a
facilitator in panel discussions for my artistic
projects as well as at conferences where I’ve been
asked to speak and moderate. The skill has come in
handy for discussions I’ve lead about mixed-race
people and the issues they deal with, held as part of
the “Conversation Project,” a series presented by
Oregon Humanities.
Following the inauguration of the 45th U.S.
president, my listening skills were put to the test. I
was stunned by the outcome of the election. I
e-mailed and phoned friends. I combed through
Facebook comments to try to find people who shared
my anxiety about the coming years. Conversations
became divisive and emotions grew more heated,
not just online, but with members of my own family.
I had arguments with my brother who, through the
years, has become unrecognizably conservative. We
got into a shouting match when he quoted “facts” he
found on alt-right blogs. I also discovered some of
my in-laws supported and voted for the current
president. I wondered how I could ever speak with
them again. But I had the most difficult time talking
with my husband.
When my husband Richard and I met 20 years
ago, he was a Republican like his family had been.
As a lifelong Democrat, I debated whether I could
continue dating him. Through our conversations, I
learned he was a fiscal conservative and party
affiliation didn’t matter to him. We found common
ground on the topics of civil rights and equity. As we
continued talking and dating, he changed his voter
registration to Independent and now he’s a
registered Democrat.
After the recent election, I wondered if he had
gone back to being a fiscal conservative. I was
emotional and had a difficult time understanding
this new America where blatant racism,
homophobia, xenophobia, and sexism seemed
acceptable. The rise in hate crimes and violence, the
travel bans on Muslims, and the detainment of
immigrants — even green-card holders — stymied
me.
Richard and I got into terrible arguments. I
wanted to vent and I felt hurt when he didn’t agree
with me. I thought he was discounting my fear and
began to wonder who this man was that I’ve been
married to for 18 years. I frankly didn’t want to
listen to him. I wanted to be heard. I wanted him to
feel as scared as I was so I could find comfort in that.
It became so painful to talk to him that I gave up.
Then I remembered my listening skills. I asked
myself, “What if he was a stranger I was
interviewing?”
As I quelled my emotions after hearing news a
second Muslim ban had been issued that would
affect my friends, colleagues, and me personally, I
began our conversations with a question, not a
statement. Rather than saying, “That idiot did this
today,” I asked, “What do you think about what
happened today?” It took the emotion out of the
beginning of the conversation and allowed him to
respond. I realized when I opened with a strong
emotional statement, my husband would shut down
so it wouldn’t affect him. After I started asking him
his thoughts first, he would open up and was more
receptive when I told him my views.
I still have strong feelings about what is
happening to our government and the future of this
country, but we need to truly listen to one another
and talk without becoming emotional. I continue to
find solace in comments on social media that I can
relate to. I also try to read the comments of
conservatives in order to better understand them.
That doesn’t mean I won’t have passionate views; if
anything, it makes me more committed to taking
action. I want to be effective and reach people. In
order to do that, I must listen to all sides. While I
may never fully understand some viewpoints, we
can avoid emotional discussions that might be more
destructive than helpful, and we can actually listen
to each other.
Opinions expressed in this newspaper are those of the authors and not necessarily those of this publication.
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