OPINION
Page 6 n THE ASIAN REPORTER
July 6, 2015
Volume 25 Number 13
July 6, 2015
ISSN: 1094-9453
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MY TURN
n Wayne Chan
The “do-as-I-say, not-as-
I-do” advice for my son
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’ve heard that as parents, we live vicariously
through our kids. While that may very well be
true, I think I’ve taken it a step further.
Apparently, as my son comes of age, I’ve managed
to perfect time travel.
A few weeks ago, I went to Tyler’s high school
open house to meet with his teachers and see how
he’s doing.
Before I tell you about the open house, though, I
should let you know a little about Tyler. He’s 17
years old, plays varsity tennis, watches what he
eats, works out a lot, and has become a very
good-looking young man.
To give you a better idea, I can tell you what some
lifelong friends said when they saw Tyler recently:
“Tyler — You are so handsome! You look like a
young version of your dad!”
Now, you might think that, along with Tyler, I
could also take that line as a compliment, but it’s
hard to do when they’re referring to a specific
version of me and make no mention of the current
one. But let’s get back to the open house.
So as we walk onto campus, Tyler sprints a few
steps ahead of us. Within a few seconds, he is
surrounded by three or four classmates, all girls,
chatting him up, smiling as they walk to their
classrooms.
My first reaction was to wonder why Tyler felt he
needed to spring ahead of his mother and I in the
first place, but I figured that whatever the reason
was, it would probably make me feel completely
inadequate, so I decided to leave it alone.
As their little group reached the class hallway,
the girls dispersed and my wife and I were allowed
to walk with him the rest of the way.
Still curious, I decided to ask Tyler about his
friends and get some insight as to who they were.
Tyler’s answer was succinct and was very
familiar to me based on any important question I’ve
ever asked him: “I dunno.”
Following the open house, and after seeing
throughout the evening that Tyler was friendly
with a number of girls at the school, I thought it
might be a good time to sit down with him and have
a heart-to-heart talk.
Not about the “birds and the bees,” mind you,
because at 17 years of age, he knows what goes
where. It also wasn’t the talk about him needing to
I
“be a gentleman” now that he was of dating age.
That wasn’t my concern.
No, I felt it was time to have the “Here’s what
you’ve got to do” talk.
This is the talk where a father gleefully coaches
his son on how to be wildly popular with the girls at
school, and it always begins with the line, “Here’s
what you’ve got to do.”
For those who might not be aware, fathers who
start off their talk with the line, “Here’s what you’ve
got to do,” are almost always ignoring the fact that:
1. The lack of success meeting girls in their youth
almost certainly doesn’t qualify them to provide
advice now.
2. Any actual success they might have had in the
past must now be amplified with wild exaggerations
in order for the advice to have any plausibility now.
That’s why time travel is so helpful.
With time travel, I can conveniently erase
memories like:
1. The time I took a date on a small sailboat at a
neighborhood lake and got the boat stuck in a
shallow area, requiring me to jump in with all my
clothes and push the boat free.
2. The time I went to the county fair with a date
for an entire day and then completely did not
recognize her when she said hello at school the next
day. In my defense, she was wearing her hair
differently.
3. The time I drew a big valentine and left it in my
girlfriend’s class just before she took an important
exam for everyone to see, then later realized I had
put it in the wrong classroom.
4. The time I went on a few dates with a girl and
did not recognize her when we both showed up at a
holiday party a couple months later. I imagine
you’re sensing a pattern here, but in my defense, she
was wearing her hair differently.
Yet, despite these unfortunate events in my past,
I must be qualified to impart some wisdom on the
topic of dating, because I ended up marrying a
beautiful and amazing woman. If I hadn’t done
that, there would be no son for me to coach now.
If you ask me, I’m a smooth operator and have
every right to give the “Here’s what you’ve got to do”
speech to my son. If you ask my wife, she’ll probably
say she decided to marry me after I promised not to
take her out on any more boats.
Opinions expressed in this newspaper are those of the authors and not necessarily those of this publication.
Wondering what events are going on this week?
Check out The Asian Reporter’s Community &
A.C.E. Calendar sections, on pages 10 and 12.