Illinois Valley News, Thursday, June 21, 1945
Fun for the Whole Family
THOUGHTS ON HORSE
racing
SPARKY WATTS
By BOODY ROGERS
r HÊY7
WHAT’S TH’
CAUiE OF ALL TH«
N0«£ IN HERE —OH
-OH—1 SEE!
Horse racing is a form of compe
tition between horses to determine
what shape the customers are in.
•
It Is a demonstration in durability
for all participants except the horses
It is a type of sport that combines
all the features of a subway jam. a
food riot, a Christmas shopping rush
and a panic in the madhouse.
•
A man can get the same sensa
tions in any subway station during
the rush hour for a nickel. And in
addition he won't have to listen to
any tips that the local can beat the
express if the smart money is up.
REG’LAR FELLERS—Elevating Literature
By GENE BYRNES
Racing is proof of the claim that,
for a chance to lose $2 swiftly, a
man will undergo al] known forms of
inconvenience and torture, provid
ed they are endured in an aroma
of steamed frankfurters, beer. B O
and fresh roasted peanuts.
an N
that ' s right ']
1 WANT TWO J 1 WANT
VOLUMES OF
5MOOTZS
SOCIAL LIFE.
Once horse racing may have been
the Sport of Kings. Rut the prole
tariat has taken over. If a king
gets to his seat today with no ribs
broken you know he had the king’s
horses running interference for him.
OF A
FIREFLY !
Where once a few thousand per
sons spent leisurely afternoons, tens
of thousands today blitz the tracks,
panting, popeyed and perspiring as
they reproduce Custer's Last Fight
with the tomahawking done in tech
nicolor.
( thought .)
When pari mutuels stepped into
American racing brotherly love, or-
der, dignity, common sense and
laws regarding mayhem flew out
the window. Window is right!
We used to go to the track now
and then for recreation. Now we go
a couple of times a season to take
off weight, test our stamina, and get
a fair idea of what Indian warfare
was like.
We used to see a horse occasional-
Now we do w ell if we see a
horse’s ears.
Once we watched ’em come down
the stretch, neck and neck. Now the
best we can do is to get it by loud
speaker while hanging onto our
watch, pleading for the women and
children first and wondering where
our hat went.
Once inside it is every man for
himself and no accident or health
insurance sold on the grounds.
• • ♦
THE JAI* LEADERS
TO THEIR EMPEROR
We offer our apologies,
As planes above you swarm,
For putting you upon a spot
And making it so warm;
We’re sorry bombers do
Your royal dwelling skirt;
Excuse it, please, if it appears
That we have done you dirt!
The
We are so very sorry that
You even smell the smoke
And that our busy firemen
The royal grounds must soak;
We abjectly apologize
And shed a bitter tear
That war we planned so far away
Should ever come so near
By BOB
KARP
By J. MILLAR WATT
POP—Prepared for Postwar Activities
FOKTHE BACK HALF
It is distressing just to know
That “«moke gets in your
eyes”—
And for each whiff of it we are
Glad to apologize;
We're sorry that you had to know
Ttie brutal facts of life;
We hoped to run this conflict as
Our little private strife
Again we do express our grief;
We’re broken hearted, too,
When we see war so near at
hand
It’s right next door to YOU
We didn't plan our war that way
It Alls us with remorse.
So. once more, deep apologies
To you and TO YOUR HORSE!
President Truman's old home at
Independence is being painted. All
we hope is that, as President, he
will gel a better paint job than most
folks are getting these days. Ye ed
had the barn painted twice in the
last three years and the first heavy
rain washed it off. What are the
painters using for paint today? Anri
if so why perpetuate the custom of
thinning It out? Good luck. Harry;
you'll need it!
‘ Hotels will not be permitted to
collect service charges on long dis
tance phone calls, the U S Supreme
court announced "— News item.
Wanna bet’
(an You Remember—
4uuy buck ■< fieri u bull her't uifu
thought nothing of asking him to hring
home a <(e«A?
toil uhrn the rutty u«< thought to
be l/ie feu riarrgrrout branch of the
■err if e in u artima?
• • •
'1 think that's definitely an old fashioned idea. Aunt I.ucy! I ve
been eatin' stuff like this for years and I never put on weight!"
Buck's having a bad time of it again
. that pilot eats a
whole box of peanut brittle every time he goes up!"
I
Federal Reserve board is
against liftin*. i • strie lions against
time payments in buying new auto
mobiles. It realizes that newi hi
history have Americans been so lit
tle apprehensive about going into
permanent hock
r