**
■ fea»/*:
Racing in Ancisnt Rome.
THE
SKOOKU M
RESTAURANT
THE PARSON’S
REM EDY
B y M. QUAD
C o p y rig h t, 1913, by A s s o c ia t e d
e ra ry P re ss
L it
It was love that brought about the
marriage of Abraham Scott, a young
furmer. with Tilda Hastings, and for
the first year they were very happy.
Then it happened that Tilda’s mother
A le x so n B u ild in g
passed a week with them, and when
E a s t End F irs t S t.
ready to go home she said:
“Tilda, I’ve been watching things
since I’ve been here.”
“Why. what is there to watch?” she
asked.
*
P R O P R IE T O H
“Henry’s tyranny over you."
“Why. mother!”
“It’s a fa c t If your father treated
me that way oue of us would leave the
house In short order!”
“But 1 can't understand you at all.
Just what has Henry done?”
“He’s treated you like a child or a
Envelopes,
slave. I saw It the Irst day I was
here, and it nmuzed me that you didn't
Letterheads,
show your spunk.’’
“Why. mother, how strange you
Cards
talk!” snid the wife. “Tell me one
thing Henry has done that wasn’t
Circulars
righ t"
’Billheads
& “I ’m going to tell you of more than
one, Tilda. I’ve been setting them
Statements. down on paper so as to be sure, and
here they are:
“The first day I was here he walks
iu and orders you to melt some mut
ton taller for a sore back cow.”
“Why. he didn’t order. He asked me
to.”
“Don’t try to excuse him. There was
a commanding tone In his voice. The
AND
second day he comes stomping in like
a duke und calls out:
“ ‘Hey. Tilda. I’m going to town, and
don’t you forget to feed the hogs at
noon.’ ”
“But I don’t see anything wrong
Call and see us or telephone about that.” was protested. “He wae
going after nails.”
and we will call and see you. I f
“Well, I’d just like your father to
we don’t do your printing wo both roar out at me like that just once! I’d
tell him to go to Texas qulcker’n wink.
On the third day your Henry hollered
lose money.
at you from the barnyard and wanted
to know if the sheep shears were in
the kitchen.”
“But be wanted them, mother.”
“ I s’pose he did, but he spoke like old
Nero. If your father had called to me
You never received a reply to It. and like that I’d have gone down there
you wonder If it was delivered or If It with a club. On the fourth day, ns we
was lost If your name and address was eating supper at 0 o’clock, the
You must remembei
h.id been on the envelope It would have clock stopped
been returned to you If the addressee what Henry said?”
“lie said it had stopped.”
could not be found
“Yes. but how did he say It? He
Let us show you how cheap looked right ucross the table at you.
und there was pounded glass in his
w e can print 500 or 1,000 envel
tones as he said:
opes We will also print letter
“ ‘Tilda, you forgot to wind up the
heads The material, workman clock last night.’ ’’
“But I did forget, mother.”
ship and price will be right.
“And what if you did?”
“ What do you want me to do. moth
er?”
“Assert yourself. Be the boss of the
house. Have things go as you want
them to. the same as I do. Your fa
ther wouldn’t dare to pull a cabbage
Regular as the Clock
bead in the garden without asking ray
leave ”
The wife hadn’t looked upon hei
husband ns a tyrant. On the contrary,
she regarded him ns one of the kindest
men she had ever heard of. She had
First-class fare only................$7.50
no wish to meddle or boss, and she had
felt that she was getting all the rights
^LJp freight, per ton
3.00
she could well take care of. But the
mother had sowed the seeds of discon
tent. and they soon sprouted. Tilda
E. & E. T. Kruse
began to find fault and tender advice
24 California Street, San Francisco
and to even threaten suicide if her
opinions were not deferred to. Henry
figured out that the mother-in-law had
For Reservations
been talking and using her Influence
against him. but he went ahead pa
NOSLER & NORTON
tiently and avoided anything like a
Agents, Coquille, Oregon
rupture.
It was when the boy baby was born
that Tilda’s mother said to her:
“Now. you want to put your foot
right down about a name for baby. I
am sure Ileury will waut to call him
James, after an uncle.”
“But that’s a good name. Isn’t It?”
“Tilda Scott, have you lost your
senses ?”
“I hope not. mother.”
W ill Accept
“Then perhaps you can tell me wbe
the ravens fed.”
“Moses, wasn’t it?”
“Not by a Jugful! It was Elisha,
and that’s the name you want to givs
baby.”
“But I’m sure Henry won’t like I t ”
It so happened that Henry overheard
most of the conversation as be was
training a vine by an open window.
He didn't walk in and order the moth
er in law out of the house, but he
sauntered off to the home of the par
son whose church he and his wife at
tends! and stated his case down to the
-ON-
baby, then added:
“My wife is to threaten to Jump into
tlie horse pond if 1 object to the
name.”
“You have a horse pond?”
“I have, sir."
“How deep is the water?”
“About four feet.”
Every Part of Ihe Art of
“The mother-in-law Is about five feet.
I believe.”
“Thanks,” said Henry. “1 have the
idea.”
has had O u r Careful
Henry got home Just as the mother-
Attention
in law was leaving the house. He
picked her up and carried her to the
pond and heaved her in. When she
waded ashore he heaved her back.
When this performance had been re
It is our business, so it
pented for the fifth time he asked:
"Have you anything to say to me?”
is necessary that we use
“Y yes!” was gasped In reply. “Baby
the very best and latest
ran bo named James, and I’ll never
darken your door again.”
methods to turn out the
And pea re came back and never left
tlie household again What should wt
best work possible
do without the parson.* to advise us?
Rooms in Comietion
GEO. C. THERAULT
o
,
,
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YOU WANT THEM
WE PRINT THEM
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If you arc not already a cuntomer
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B U TTE R
W RAPPERS
AT THE
COQUILLE LAUNDRY & ICE CO.
H ERALD
O F F IC E
A im -lent Home had its racing and ita
popular and well paid Jockeys
Bet
ting ran high, and tlie excitemeut of
the people over the races und their
favorite color frequently led to blood
shed Caligula—he who made a con
sul of his horse—passed most of ills
time rioting with the charioteers. The
circus was the place for the racing
It Required Very Careful
The largest of them, the Circus Maxi
mus, about 21,000 feet long, could ac
handling
commodate 480,000 spectators. Seven
times was It necessary to race round
the spina, a low stone wall running
By OSCAR COX
down the center of the circus. The
jockeys drove in a light chariot—usual
ly four in each race—and wore close
Murk Hudson was station agent at
fitting tunics and leather caps of dis
tinguishing colors. That the profes ‘ I’euibutou Junction. Mark was in the
sion was a paying one we learn from freight house one morning looking over
ancient writers, money prizes and the boxes and hales scattered about
wages being paid. The Jockey Cres- when be heard a wagon drive up out
cens at the age of twenty-two bad side uud stop. A young man about
amassed a fortune, and Diodes, the eighteen years of age entered and said:
king of jockeys, left to bis sou more
" I ’ve got a box out here I ’d like to
than $1,000.000
ship to Hallowed. You w’uut to be
mighty particular about it because it
Beyond Words.
When Senator James Hamilton Lew contains s e e th in g breakable.”
“That’s all very well so far as I am
is was practicing law In Seattle he had
for a client an old lady who was af concerned, but I can’t answer for the
dieted with asthma. She came four case after the box leaves my keeping.”
*Tve marked instructions on the lid,”
times a year to have the colonel make
out her pension papers. The colonel replied the youngster. "Come out and
never failed to show a tender solici have a look.”
tude In her welfare and always re
The agent west out with the shipper
ceived a wheezy but pleased response and saw a box about five and a half
One morning when the colonel asked
feet long, tw’o feet wide aud eighteen
his question about her health the old
inches high.
lady turned to her granddaughter, who
“Corpse?” he asked.
accompanied her. and motioned. The
“No. hut it's the next thing to it; it’s
girl stood and stared. The old lady
a skeleton.”
wigwagged frantically. The girl look
“A skeleton! Isn’t that a queer thing
ed stolidly at her. The old lady wheez for you to he shipping from this
ed ami coughed and punted. The girl
point?” exclaimed the agent suspi
stared straight before her.
ciously.
Finally the old lady burst out furi
“Well, yes: it would be without an
ously :
explanation. I saw an. ad. in a news
“Drat you. Mary Louise! Didn’t 1 paper the other day for a skeleton. I
tell you you would have to talk for knew they had one they didn’t need In
me? Can’t you see 1 can’t say a word the physiology lecture room of our
to save my life?”—Saturday Evening college. I'm a Merton student, and l
Post.
bought it. I’ve sold it to the advertiser
and have made some money on it—that
Ugly Buckingham Palace.
Is. if I get It there without breaking
Buckingham palace provoked charac any of the bones."
teristic expressions of contempt from
Merton college was six miles dis
Mr. Creevy. “The new’ palace still re tant from the junction. There wrns a
mains the devil’s own.” he wrote in co-ed Institution connected with it.
1828. And in 1835, after he had been
The box was lying on its bottom, and
over it. lie wrote: “Never was there tacked to the cover was a card on
such n specimen of wicked, vulgar pro which were written the instructions:
fusion. It has cost a million of money,
Breakable Keep this side up most of
und there is not a fault that has not the time. Stand on end occasionally for
been committed In it. You may lit* awhile.
On one end was another card stating
sure there are rooms enough and large
enough for the money, but for stair that when the box was stood on end
cases, passages, etc., I observed that that end was to be up. Iu no case
instead of being called Buckingham
palace It should be the Brunswick ho
tel. The costly ornaments of the state
rooms exceed all belief in their bad
taste and every species of infirmity.
Raspberry colored pillars without end
that quite turn you Stek to look at, but
the queen’s papers for her own apart
ments far exceed everything else in
their ugliness and vulgarity.”—London
Spectator.
SHIPPING A
SKELETON
W h ir« Cato W as Remembered.
In 1798 the little settlement around
Fort Schuyler, New York, aspired to
the dignity of a village charter and
the question of a new name arose. A
number of the citizens met In Bagg’s
tavern to discuss the matter, and it
was decided to draw lots for the name,
each person present to deposit In a
hat a slip of paper with his choice
written thereon. The first name drawn
ont was to be the one accepted. Thir
teen slips were deposited, and the first
one drawn forth chanced to be that
w’ritten by Erastus Clark, a man or
scholarly interests, as was Illustrated
by his choice. He had done honor to
his favorite Roman. Cato, by inscrib
ing on ids slip the home of Cato’s adop
tion in Africa. Thus was Utica. N. Y..
uamed.—Ladies’ Home Journal.
A Collector’s Bequest.
‘My wish is that my drawings, my
prints, my curiosities, my books—in a
word, these things of art which huvs
been the Joy of my life—shall not lx?
consigned to the cold tomb of a mu
seum aud subjected to the stupid
glance of the careless passerby. But
I require that they shall all be dispers
ed under the hammer of the auction
eer, so that the pleasure which the ac
quiring of each one of them has given
me shall be given again in each case
to some inheritor of my own tastes.”
-From the Will of Edmond de Gon-
court
Reasonable Suspicion,
“I don’t know what to think of my
husband.”
‘Why?”
‘He seems almost too good lately to
he true. When 1 got him to help me
rearrange some of the furniture yes
terday he skinned his knuckles and
didn’t blame It on me.”—Chicago Rec
ord-Herald.
To Remove a Splinter.
Wash with soup and water. Dip the
member In diluted alcohol or pour this
over It Sterilize in alcohol a needle
and the fingers of the hand that is to
hold the needle; then pick out the
splinter and pour diluted alcohol into
the wound.
Mothers’ Pensions.
The Idea of granting pensions to
mothers In recognition of the service
they rendered the slate originated In
Australia, where women vote.
Brown's Son.
The ending “Ing" to a surname aim-
ply means “son of ” Thus Browning
means “son of Brown.” and Dunning
"Dunn’s son.”
What wealth It Is to hare such
friends that we cannot think of them
without elevation - ‘Thoreau.
POLK’ S'
* Business Directory
(
K.
PO LK
<t CO.. 8 R A T T L E
STEAMER BREAKWATER
“CORPSE ?’’ ASKED TH B MAN ON TH E CAR.
was the other end to be up. Hudson
looked at tin* box meditatively and
rend tlie directions.
“What’s tin* use of being so careful
w ith a skeleton?” he asked “If it isn’t
packed properly 1 don’t want to ship
It. or if 1 do it must be at the owner’s
risk. If It is packed properly it sliould
stand ordinary handling.”
“I’ll tell you.” said the shipper, as
suming a faraway expression. “Those
bones were once the framework of a
beautiful girl.”
“How do you know’ that?” interrupt
ed the agent.
“Tliat’s the tradition in college.” re
sumed the youth. "Now, in packing it
I couldn’t divest my mind of what it
had been in life. It seemed horrible to
put the poor creature in cotton or ex
celsior or anything like that. I couldn’t
do it. I’ve put her in just as she
would like to be put in If she w’ere
alive, lying peacefully upon her back,
or when that end Is up and this one
down she stands like a beautiful statue
-th e Venus de’ Medici, for instance.”
Tlie speaker was so affected that he
w iped moisture from his eyes with his
handkerchief.
“I don’t think,” snid the agent, “that
I’ll receipt for the article. If 1 should
make myself responsible for a medical
Venus or anything like that and there
should he a breakage, with claims
against the road for big damages. I’d
¡ got fired.”
There were a few moments of delib
erative silence between the two. after
which the shipper said:
“1 expect you’re right about it. 1
wouldn’t assume the risk if 1 were
you.
If some galoot of a hnndier
should stand the box wrong side up It
Have you paid
I
I
KIME & VON PEGERT !(
S H O R
Bosburge-Marshfie d Auto Stage
N A T IO N A L B A N K
Coquille Herald
Q> (6 • X «-IrO
CHICHESTER
S PILLS
in AHON * u \ lm >.
m i nr.
UK IH
a m o m
V
a
j
a i
PRINTING
>
r
H a m U r iv is
Tlit’o. bergraa.nShoe Mfg.Co.
the printer?
Incorporated.
Manufacturers of
The Celebrated Uergmanr. Shoe
Ln.Me*! Ask your
if 1
Ur-.igtfUt ? r / A
| The Strongest and Nearest Water
.* ..r J llr n n d / A \
U i (’ hi'A-terV l>lai
l ’Ut* m R eg an.l I tiol.l
«
n lilhcVV/ ' Pr iof shoe made for logpers, m ner =
botcA. sealed with « Blue Ru h.-.n.
T a k e no o th e r
Ruy o f tump »
prospectors and mill men.
D l!'Sfo\ l> URANI» r f f . l *~ f r
year known as B est. S afest. Alway* Reli.iM« 1 ¿1 Thurman Street
SOLD BY ORUGfilSIS LVlftVVIHLÜ^
L
Farmers and Merchants Bank
FIR ST
O REG O N a n d W A S H IN G T O N ]
A D irecto ry o f e a c h C ity, Tow n and
V illa g e, givin g d e scrip tiv e s k e tc h of
e a c h place, lo ca tio n , popu lation, te le
grap h . shipping and b a n k in g p o in t;
also Classified D irecto ry , co m p ile d by
business and p rofession
might break the skeleton’s neck Th ;t
would knock off a big sum from f>
R. 8. K nowlton , President
Guo. A. R obinson , Vice-Pres.
1 value Besides, consider wliut it or «*
R. H. M ast , Cashier.
! was. How would you like to havt
j sister of yours sent off in a box aid
stood wroug end” —
"Oh. give us a rest on that part
! the buaJuRcs. I understand that you
I got a piece of merchandise to be sh
j pod at the ordinary rates.’’
COQUILLE, OREGON
“ You haven’t uuy feeling." the oth r
continued. “1 can’t resign all that i >
I mains on earth of what was once a
Opened for Busines March. 1890
! delicate girl to such bauds as youi
I’m going along with the box inyse f.
so that I may see It Is handled tend*;
correspondents :
ly. Will you tuke it on those terms?
I.add & Tilton Hank, Portland
First National Bank, San Francisco
“Well. yes. 1 don’t mind If you II
National Park, New York
First Trust £ Savings, Coos Bay
take the responsibility.”
The agent took hold of the box ai d
was proceeding to remove it w’hen lie
discovered that It weighed soinethli g
like a hundred pounds.
"That’s the heaviest skeletoa 1 ev.*i
OLD RELIA BLE—EQUIPPED WITH WIRELESS
handled." he remarked.
“How many have you handled?" a s »
ed the shipper.
“1 don’t know that 1 ever baudK <!
ALWAYS ON TIME
any."
“Then how can you tell what one o!
Sai s from Portland at 8 P. M.,
t
them should w’eigh? Take hold of that
Every Tuesda
*
end and I’ll take this. Now she goes ’
Sails
from
Coo*
Bay
at
Service
of
Tide
And the box was carried into tl e
Every
Saturday
freight station and stood up on tin*
Tickets on «ale 10 all Eastern points and information as to routes
right end. Then the ugent went to a
o
and rates cheerfully furnished
desk and. taking a blank receipt, aski d
the young man ills name.
W. L. K 0 LM, Agent
Phone M ain 181 *
“John Smith,’’ was the reply.
“Any middle name?”
“No."
“Where to?”
> O 0O O 0© O O O O O O O O O O O © O O O O 0O t
’Tlallowell.”
Fred Von Pegert
Hallowed was a town some twenty
C. I. Kime
miles distant.
“You don’t need tlie name of the per
son the skeleton was when alive, do
you?’’ asked Mr. Smith.
The agent turned from his writing
MECHANICAL
and. looking the shipper in the face,
said:
“Young man. will you be offended if
1 say something plain to you?”
“No; drive on.”
G e n e r a l flacksmithing,
“You’re tlie biggest fool that ever
Wago.i Making, .Machine
came into this station."
\N ork, Patten. Milking ai d
“You’ve lilt it right, pard. I en
Casting, Automobile Work.
tered college ten years ago. and I’m a
freshman yet. I’ve been turned back
C O Q U I L L E , OREGON
with nine classes 1 was to have been
graduated with the class of (J4. Now
* > 0 0 0 0 0 > o q q o o o p p o o o o q o <> o o < > c
I am at the foot of the class of ’14.’’
"Oh, give us a rest. I’ve something
to do besides chinning with an idiot
There’s your receipt. I’ll put the I h ».\
on tlie next train that comes along, at
12:05. That’s an hour."
Via Coquille and
rtle Point
“Isn’t there a train before that
time?”
“No.”
l-cav« 8 Marshfield...... 5 a. in.
At tliis point a carriage was driven
Arrives Roseburg
1 p. m.
up to the passenger entrance of tli •
Leaves Roseburg
(i a. m.
station, and Dr Bidwell. president of
Arrives Marshfield afternoon.
Merton college, and Dr Arabella C’u.\
ton. president of tlie woman’s colleg.
Make reservations in advance at üv\ I
of the same institution, alighted. Tli •
Drug Store, Marssfield.
agent, who had charge of both the pn
senger and freight departments, we -
Stages, M jrlle Point to Roseburg, Carrying Baggage and United Stales Mail
proceeding to the ticket office win i
Mr. Smith stopped him and said:
J. L. LAIRD, Proprietor
“See here, old man; don’t talk about
Office
at
Laird’s
Livery Barn, Myrtle Point, Both Phones
that skeleton I ’m shipping. These tv *
prexys were opposed to the sale, an 1
they might not like to see it go."
A l SHINE, V.-Pres.
“Oh, 1 mind my own business.” re A J. SHERWOOD Pres.
I . H. HAZARD, Cashier
0. C SANFORD, Assi. Cashier
plied the agent and went on Ids way.
while Mr Smith put himself out of
sight among tlie boxes in the freight
house.
OF C O g U I U U B , OREGON.
“Have you seen anything,” Dr. Bid
well asked the agent, “of a young mu a
and a young girl going off on any of T r a n ^ a c t a a G e n e r a l B a n k i n g
the trains?”
“No; 1 haven’t.” was the laconic re
Beard of Directo ra.
j
Correspondent»
ply.
Dr. Bidwell turned to Dr. Caxtop P. O. Dement,
A. J. Sherwood,
j National Bank o Commerce, Nvw York l
and remarked. “Do you suppose they
L. Harlocker,
L. fi. Hazard, | Urocker Wool worth N’lBjtnk, Sun Fran i
have gone from the upper station?"
Isaiah Hacker.
R. E. Shine. ! First Nat’l Bank of Portland, Portland.
“They may.” replied Dr. Cuxton.
“When does the next train pass?"
EIE
the agent was asked.
“At 12:05 “
After a consultation the two pres,
TH E
dents decided that Dr. Bidwell should
go to the upper station and Dr. Cnxton
should remaiu and watcli the 12:05
train. Other college officials were tak
ing care of other routes. Dr. Bidwell
drove off. leaving his colleague in tlie
waiting room. When the 12:05 train
came along the agent wheeled Mr
Smith’s box on a truck to the bag
is now fully equipped with modern
gage car, and it was lifted inside.
faces of type and accessories
“Corpse?” asked the man on the
car.
for the execution of
“No; skeleton.”
“Mighty heavy skeleton.”
Meanwhile Mr. Smith, when sure he
was not observed, swung himself on to
the rear platform of the last car of the
train
When the train was receding in tin*
distance and President Caxton was
leaving the station Mr. Smith made his
way to tlie baggage car and saw that
the box rested in a comfortable po
sition for its contents till Hallowed
was reached, then superintended its
in
0
W
removal Into the freight house of that
station. Calling for tools, he opened
the box and handed out as pretty a
structure of bones with appropriate
flesh as had ever been shipped by that
in a style unexcelled and at prices
or any other railroad
equally as inviting as can be
"Can you direct me." he said, “to a
parson?”
obtained from others
“Certainly.” said the astonished
agent
"You’ll find one right under
that spire you see over there.” point
ing.
"Tlie parsonage is next the
church.”
Tlie girl, a student of the woman’s
college of the university, clung to Mr.
Smith, whose real name was Jim S e
vens. a sophomore, and the two bur
ried to the clergyman’s house and
were there united in the bonds of mat
rimony.
That ended the curriculum of both
Mr Stevens and his wife ns college
students The affair created consider
able commotion In the men’s und wo
PRINTED PROMPTLY
men’s colleges, and the faculties of
A N D ACCURATELY
both institutions seriously considered
the separation of the two on the
ground that they furnished too favor
H
nhle opportunities for elopement»
P obtland , 0 * * o o * .
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of a pratitical printer who takes pride in the
proper execution of every detail
El
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