Image provided by: Hood River County Library District; Hood River, OR
About The Maupin times. (Maupin, Or.) 1914-1930 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 7, 1916)
(Copyright, 1915, by W. G. Chapman.)
"Could you lend me your steplad
der? I want to take out Borne ot the
The man addressed, next-door neigh
tor, Robert Mason, nodded simply. He
was the owner of the house Into which
Earle Felham and his wife had just
moved. Felham had paid a liberal rent
for the place. The unsocial manner of
his landlord displeased him. The lat
ter simply lifted the article asked for
over the low dividing fence, bowed and
"Humph!" commented Pelham, al
most Irritably, as he entered the
"What is the matter, dear?" inquired
Mrs. Felham, tracing displeasure In
his manner and voice.
"That landlord of ours. Asked him
Just now to loan me a stepladder to
get at the screens and he acted as if
he grudged even a decent word."
"Oh, you misjudge him, Earle, In
deed you do!" Mrs. Pelham hastened
to say. "I feel so sorry for him all
the town does, I learn. His life Is a
sad, sad history. A year ago his wife,
a bride ot a year, had a fit of sickness
which led to a complete nervous break
down. She got so bad they had to
sond her to a sanitarium. Two months
ago she escaped. They have not been
able to trace her since. It is feared
that she wandered out among the
swamp lands beyond the sanitarium
and perished from hunger or was
"Poor fellow!" spoke Pelham, hiB
sympathetic heart deeply touched by
She Turned Toward the Intruders.
thlB recital. "I will bo more charitable
in my judgments after this."
The Pelhams had not dealt with Ma
son personally in renting the old home
of Mrs. Mason's family, but through
an agent. After the death ot the par
ents of his wife, Mr. Mason had moved
Into the old home. Now he was rent
ing It furnished and had taken up
more limited quarters in the adjoining
cottage, which he owned.
The Pelhams had just moved in.
Mrs. Pelham was busy all day long get
ting the Interior In order. Hor huB-
band attended to outsido matters. He
removed the Bcreens, tidied up the gar
den and both retired that night pretty
well wearied with their unusual labor.
"The house 1b too large for ub,
Earle," Mrs. Telham remarked.
wish we had taken the oneMr. Mason
"I don't know that we could got It
observed her husband. "I heard he
was going to sell both places if he
could and leave the town. The assocl
ations of . this old house, whore his un
fortunate wife was born, must be very
painful to him."
Robert Mason had given up his wife
as dead. In trying to locate hor after
her escape from the sanitarium the
searchers had discovered several
cIuob that led them to believe that the
fugitive had wandered Into the swamp
district. This was a dangerous and
interminable swamp spot, and three
days after the disappearance ot Mrs,
Mason a fire had swept the greater
portion of It. There was every reason
to believe that Mrs. Mason had per
A distressing feature of her fate was
the tact that the physician in charge of
the sanitarium bad entertained groat
hopes of her eventual recovery. She
bad been improving tor some weeks
prior to her escape.
It was about midnight when Mr. Pel
ham, soundly asleep, was aroused
from his slumbers by a quick nudge
from his wife. Her voice was tremu
lous and agitated as she whispered
"Got up at once, Earle!"
"Why, what is the matter TM in
quired her better half drowsily.
"Burglars!" shuddered Mrs. Pelham,
"Oh, do be careful! I've been over
half an hour lying awake and listening
to suspicious sounds.
"The wind, I suppose "
"No, I thought so at first, but found
I was mistaken," continued Mrs. Pel
ham in a timorous voice. "First
heard the front door rattle. Then
Someone tried the side windows. Then
there was a window lifted In the gar
ret Oh, I am sure someone is up
there! Now, Earle do you not; hear?1
"You're right, Rachel," assouted Mr.
Pelham, after a moment ot Intense
There was no doubting tho tact that
the floor overhead creaked as hurried
footsteps crossed it Thon there was
a scraping sound, as of sqmoono pun
log a trunk or bos over the boards.
Thon breaking sound.
Mr. Pslham got out ot bed. dressed,
and lighting a lamp got a revolver
from a bureau drawer. His wife fol
lowed his example by throwing on a
dress. She was close behind him as
they crept up the attic stairs.
"Oh, do be careful!" she implored
whisperingly, as they reached the top
of the stairs, and a low, vague croon
ing sound reached their hearing, from
beyond the threshold of the attic
"Hold the lamp," directed her hus
band. "When I pull the door open
suddenly lift It so I can see where to
Mr. Pelham gave the door a quick
pull. With a trembling hand his wife
lifted and extended the lamp.
"Don't don't shoot!" almost
screamed Mrs. Pelham.' "It's a girl
The flickering lamp fell across a
woman, singing softly to herself and
taking dress after dress from a trunk
she had opened. She turned toward
the Intruders In a surprised way.
"Visitors," she observed In a soft,
plaintive tone. "You will have to ex
cuse me till I get ready to go down
and meet my guests. I have just ar
rived home. Some wicked people
stole me from my husband and I
"Oh, Earle!" gasped Mrs. Pelham,
tugging at her husband's sleeve,
"don't you understand? It's that poor
lady next door they mourn as dead,
Oh, quick! quick! run for her hus
band. She has found home at last
and see, that open window. She must
have reached It with the stepladder."
Mr. Pelham, terribly excited, hurried
away. , Mrs. Pelham advanced to the
side of the woman, whose garments
were nearly In rags.
"Pick out your dress, dear," she
said soothingly. "Your husband Will
be here soon."
"But strangers In the house!" be
gan the other suspiciously.
"Oh, we are just guests," assured
Mrs. Pelham. "You will find every
thing in order below."
It was a great shock for Robert Ma
son when his neighbor advised him of
the strange arrival of the night. He
calmed himself as he realized the situ
ation. As he entered the attic, with a
wild cry of delight his wife ran into
"Oh, Robert! those, wicked men who
stole me away from you "
"Gone entirely out of our life, my
darling," assured Mason. "Come to
your own rooms and get ready to join
our kind neighbors at a little lunch,"
he proceeded, and made a sign to the
Pelhams, who retired.
Half an hour later Mr. Mason led his
wife, neatly dressed and looking calm
and happy, into the rooms below. The
quick-witted Mrs. Pelham had spread
out a small refection. To the letter
the program of "visitors" was carried
out, and In the eyes of the poor wan
derer all could trace a slow but sure
returning of reason.
"You will have to keep up the pre
tense of going over to the next house
till I can arrange otherwise," whis
pered Mr. MaBon to Mr, Pelham.
"Oh, you mustn't disturb your wife
with anything," answered Mrs. Pol
ham. "And besides we like the little
Famously good people, the Pelhams
shared the glad, grateful joy of their
landlord, as the days went on and MrB.
Mason came back Into the full sun
shine of reason and health.
LUCK OF THE HORSESHOE
Popular Superstition Has Been Traced
to an English Demon of Thir
Why 1b the horseshoe considered a
sign of good luck? There Is nothing
especially pretty about a horse's cast-
oft iron Bhoe, and no doubt not one
horseshoe bollevor In a million can
tell why he troasureB it.
The origin of the superstition can
be traced back to the thirteenth cen
tury. The monk Gervaiae of Tilbury in
forms us that at that time there was
a kind of demon In England which
appeared as a horse rearing on its
hind logs and with sparkling eyes,
Whenever this apparition was seen It
was a sign that a conflagration would
soon break out.
Hence, as giving a kindly warning,
this mysterious horse was regarded as
a friendly spirit, and tho animal in
general was believed to be a benefi
cent mystic power.
A horse tooth carried In the pocket
prevented tooth ache; It was a Blgn
of good luck to find a horseshoe, and
one was placed under the pillow ot a
child to cure the colic, or nailed
against a building to prevent it catch
ing fire. This led to its general adop
tion as a protective symbol. Stray
New Idea In Eyeglasses. '
In an effort to devise a means of
mounting eyeglasses so as to avoid
the skin irritation sometimes caused
by the bows resting around the ears
and the bridge pinching the nose,
Nebraska Inventor has patented an
odd plan for suspending the lenses
before the eyes. While the arrange
ment cannot be called an attractive
one as far as appearances are con
cerned, It may benefit certain persons
who are compelled to wear glasses
constantly and find the ordinary
mountings objectionable. Large lonses,
each having a straight edge on the
Inside so as to fit close to the nose,
and secured at the top to an adjust
able yoke. The terminals ot this are
fixed in a headgear, or cap. In thi
manner the weight ot the glasses Is
supported above tU noso, the lenset
morely hanging In front of the eyes.
"I stand on my record," said the can-
"Whoopee!" shouted a member of
' "How now, my brother?"
"If you can do that you are as sure
footed as a mountain goat and as Ugh)
as thistledown. . .
Boundary Finally Settled.
The old boundary dispute between
Michigan and Ohio, which was keenest
before Michigan became a state was
never settled until the last summer,
when a new line of handsome granite
Markers was let up
T is impossible now to go from
Christiania to Copenhagen by
boat, writes Mary Ethel McAnley,
from Denmark to the Pittsburgh
Dispatch. AH lines for passengers
have been stopped on account of the
mines, so one must go through Sweden
by rail and then cross the North sea
at Helslngborg. If you go at night the
trains are taken over on a ferry, one
carload at a time. As the ride is 16
hours long we stopped all night at
Gothenburg, the great Swedish seaport
town and second largest town In Swe
den. It is a great, bleak sort of a
place, not interesting, but evidently
progressive, for it Is the first place in
Europe where I have ever seen any
extensive building going on, and large
houses were going up everywhere.
This town Is where the great Gothen
burg system of controlling the liquor
traffic first sprang from. I expected
to see a very model place, but, alas!
we met six drunken men In three
squares. Perhaps they were only
sailors off duty.
The first thing we saw when he
landed In Denmark was the Kronberg
castle where Hamlet lived. It is a
wonderful old place, standing right on
the sea. The people around there say
that on dark and moonless nights the
ghost of Hamlet's father comes out
and stands on the ramparts, and waves
his long white-robed arms.
The ride from Helslngborg to Co
penhagen takes about an hour and on
the way Is Fredrlksborg castle, where
Queen Alexandra ot England stays
when she Is in Denmark. Her suite
of rooms Is shown to the public when
she is not in Copenhagen. Denmark
Is a country of palaces and the Rosen
borg and Amalienborg are among the
Copenhagen Is absolutely full of vis
itors, and when we arrived we went
to eight hotels before we could get
a place at any price, and the prices at
some of the hotels were as bad as in
America. Ever since we have been
hore we have seen taxlcabs full of
strangers frantically driving around
trying to get a place to sleep.
Copenhagen is a very dirty- town.
The city evidently tries to keep things
cleaned up, and everywhere you see
the Blgn "Spytnlng formudt." This
does not mean spying forbidden as it
at first seems, but merely spitting for
bidden. Everybody here rides the bi
cycle, from the boy ot six to the wom
an ot seventy. The bicyclers take up
all the street room and part ot the
sidewalk. They are very much like
the taxis In New York city they don't
care whether thoy run over you or
DOG HERO BRAVES FLAMES
Pet Animal Smashes Through Glass
Window to Reach Master and
Mr. and Mrs. John Church, Jr., re
siding on a farm near Sherbourne, un
doubtedly owe their lives to Shep,
their collie, which Baved them when
their home burned. They wore uwak
ended by the dog standing by their
bed barking loudly. The room was
filled with smoke, and going Into the
hall, they found the front portion of
the house and stairway blazing fierce
ly. Thoy escaped by the rear stairs.
They were In night clothing and were
unable to save any ot the contents of
As they passed through tho kitchen
the) saw that one ot the windows had
been broken out. Shep had been
locked out o' the house when the
family retired for the night Cuts on
the dog's forelegs and shoulders sun
port the theory that he had discov
ered the fire In front ot the house
and. scenting danger to his master
I ind mistress and being unable to get
L -.- zzl
Next to bicycle riding the most pop
ular exercise Is telephoning. Every
body telephones all the time, and the
little bells Jingle everywhere. Every
street corner has a telephone booth.
These booths look like a cupboard
standing on a table. When you want
to telephone you step inside the ta
ble, put your head in the cupboard,
close the doors and none of the out
side noises can be heard. If you see
a fine building in Scandinavia, It Is
not a bank, nor a hotel, nor yet a
palace, but It is a telephone building
The Copenhagener likes to think
himself very Bohemian, especially in
his cafe life. The women also boast
of being Bohemian, and a great many
of them smoke clgara and drink whis
ky. One can often see a young wom
an enter a cafe, hang up her hat, flop
into a chair and order absinthe and a
cigar. The panes are great drinkers
and the wine they drink takes the
place of the fruit we eat in America.
The Danish women are not nearly
so attractive as the Swedish and Nor
wegian girls, and the women of Copen
hagen are not so Btylish as the girls
of Christiania. In Christiania one sel
dom sees a fat man. There the men
are all big and rather angular. Here
In Copenhagen the men are inclined to
be fat, and they are much shorter
than the Norwegians.
We asked if there were many peo
ple going to Berlin and the bureau
said that the trains were crowded all
the time, mostly with business men,
who had been in Copenhagen trading.
The trading that Is going on is enor
mous, and the boats and trains are
loading and unloading all the time.
There is work for everybody, for be
sides the trade created by the war,
they are turning a big boulevard into
a canal. The people are not so gay
as In other years with so much to do.
The war has sobered them down.
Copenhagen Is full ot soldiers, offi
cers, privates and generals, and proud
is the maid that goes swinging along
hanging on to the arm of an officer
While the officers are not so absolute
ly enchanting as the Viennese officers
some ot them look very nice. We
passed the barracks at dinner time
and we saw the privates down in the
cellar of the building eating. If that
is what they get in time of peace 1
wonder what the poor fellows would
get It Denmark Bhould get Into war.
They had the roughest kind ot food
which they seemed to be eating with
a relish. Everywhere soldiers are
training, but Denmark does not be
lieve that there is any danger of her
being dragged into the war,
Into the house In any other way, had
broken the ! itchen window by jump
ing through it, the jagged edges ot the
glass making .the cuts, and then bad
mounted the stairs to their bedroom
and barked until they awakened.
Blnghampton (N. Y.) Dispatch New
Dividing the Efforts.
He Our expenses are exceeding my
Income, and we shall have to econ
omise. She All right. You give up your
clubs, cigars, golf and fancy neckties
and I'll see If 1 can't Induce the cook
to got along with less butter.
There H on exhibition at Wool
wich, England, a bronze gun, weigh
ing eighteen tons and made of two
pieces ot metal screwed together,
which was employed during the de-
tense ot the Dardanelles in H68.
Many Slavs In United States.
There were 2,000,000 Slavs in th
United States before the Europe
war broke out.
By JANE OSBORN.
Like a thief in the night Harvey
let himself Into his own apartment an
hour before his usual evening arrival.
He went straight to his own room
Daisy, his wife, was not in and It was
Thursday, Jenny's day out.
He went straight to his own room
his room and Daisy's, and, with fur
tive glances, to see that Daisy waB
not in hiding, opened the chiffonier
There they were, the shapeless
piles of unmated, undarned socks, just
where they had been for the last
month. Harvey seized the afternoon
paper he had bought on his way home,
bundled the socks into it and then
rolled it into a parcel. He cast about
for a string to tie it. His eyes caught
sight of a piece of Daisy's pink lin
gerie ribbon lying in her bodkin holder
on her dressing table. He seized thlB
and in a minute his bundle was firmly
Then, with guilty side glances, he
hurried out of the apartment, closed
the door noiselessly and, avoiding the
apartment elevator, passed down the
narrow, winding stairs. Once out In
the open, he turned the corner sharp
ly. Jumped on the nearest street car
going downtown and breathed a sigh
of relief. Daisy couldn't possibly see
On his way down town Harvey
opened his card case to find a clipping
torn out of his morning paper.
"For Busy Women and Bachelors
Darning and mending of all sorts done.
Anything from a pair of socks to a
lace gown mended and renovated by
experts. The Mendery, 76 Bristol
When the car reached BriBtol street
Harvey slipped off with his bundle,
and in a tew minutes reached the de
sired number. It was Buch a very
little shop that Harvey would not
have seen It but for the brightly paint
ed sign which dubbed it the "Mend
It was a ' charming, silken-voiced
young matron wearing an osprey
trimmed hat, with a veil drawn back,
who received Harvey's package and,
giving him a numbered ticket, prom
ised to have the work done within
three days. ,
Harvey traced his way back to his
office. For the first time within the
year he had been Daisy's husband he
felt as if he had deceived her. He sat
staring into the inkwell on his deck
and fumbled with the pens. He had
broken into his own house when they
were away, and still, he mused, they
were his socks and any man bad a
right to dispose ot his own socks to
Bult himself. Still Daisy had given
him some of the socks the bright
colored socks that he wore only with
high shoes were all her gifts. Per
haps he ought to have left those. Still,
a man couldn't go with holes as big
as eggs in his heels. He had bought
new socks, but ho couldn't go on do
ing that always. And then there was
the sort of the socks that alone was
enough to vex the heart of mere man
accustomed to having a mother or
wife attend to such details.
But what had come over Daisy
Daley," who had up to two months be
fore regarded the slightest detail of
her wifely duty as a joy and a delight;
Daisy, who had Bat at his side in the
evening as he read, putting the tiniest
stitches into those socks of his and
telling him every five minutes what
a Joy it was to do it? Daisy had
changed. Daisy had met some old
school friends who had filled her mind
with new interests. Now In the morn
ing, when Harvey went to search in
his chiffonier drawer for socks, Daisy
was already in the dining room,
dressed half an hour before he was,
and was calling him Impatiently to
come, as Jenny had breakfast all wait
ing. Daisy always seemed to be eager
now to have Harvey leave the apart
ment in the morning, and only a few
months ago she had begged him so
tenderly to stay "just a minute'
Harvey pondered over the change
that had come In Daisy's attitude
toward him. She seemed happy
enough, but clearly something or
someone was coming between them.
Harvey half expected that Daisy
might notice the absence of the socks,
but when, after a week of the new
arrangement, she said nothing, he
realized that she didn't even put the
Bocks in the drawer. Jenny, the faith
ful maid of all work, probably did that
after she bad laundered them.
Harvey sent his office boy to the
Mendery the first time, but the next
Thursday afternoon he went himself
with the week's Installment ot work.
This time he took more than socks.
Buttons were missing and rents need
ed staying in an increasing number of
other garments. And Harvey took
them all. To he sure, the price for
mending the socks seemed rather
high. Harvey meant to mention this
to the charming young woman behind
the counter, but this time there was
another In charge, a black-gowned,
pompous Individual, who looked at the
offering he brought through her
lorgnette with condescension and
handed him the numbered card with
"There must be a good deal of mon
ey in mending," he said to himself as
he made mental noteB on the quality
of her grooming.
But the mending was entirely satis
factory and the socks were nicely
mated, so that never again did he
have to spend ten minutes in the
morning trying not to wear a gray-
and-green striped sock with a mate of
raspberry color these were both of
For months this satisfactory ar
rangement continued. One day Daisy
approached the subject rather timidly
at the breakfast table. "Harvey, dear,
she said, "It Is a shame. I have been
so busy lately that I haven't spent
much time on your mending. But I
thought it you needed anything done
you would tell me. wouldn't you, dear?
And 1 knew you had bought soma now
Harvey felt the blood rush to his
face as the matter ot his secret was
of course. Daisy." he said, "It's alM
right I know you are busy." He
longed to ask her what kept her so
busy, but as she volunteered no Infor
mation be was Bilent.
It was getting to be a regular
Thursday afternoon performance for
Harvey to steal home for his week's
mending and take it to the Mendery.
where a succession of distinguished
looking attendants presided over the
counter. In vain he attempted to
broach the subject ot overcharging,
but he never got his courage to the
'Today I'm going to make a kick,
he said one Thursday after the bill
for the preceding week had amounted
to f 1.95. "I don't care If the dame at
the counter does look like a Newport
dowager. I'll do it. Those people are
making too much money at their
This day Harvey discovered to his
joy that the woman behind the coun
ter was young and petite. He could
tell her about it, he thought, without
losing his nerve. He might also ask
her why the proprietor made such fre
quent changes of his employees.
He was fairly face to face with
the young woman when he experi
enced the Bhock of his life.
"Daisy," he exclaimed, his bundle of
socks and pajamas falling to the floor.
"I've been waiting here for you for
several days," Bhe said. "I first sus
pected that you came here when I
found In my apportionment of mend
ing one of those raspberry socka I
gave you before we were married. I
could tell those anywhere. You poor
"But, Daisy," he Interrupted, gather
ing together the scattered garments,
"why didn't you tell me? I can give
you more money. You told me your
allowance was large enough. Oh,
Daisy, to think that you had to slave
like this! You poor dear, why didn't
you tell me? How stupid I have
Daisy was laughing. "Don't you
know, silly? I didn't do this for
money. I did it for tho Belgians.
Didn't you know that this place 1b en
tirely run by volunteers? Why, some
of the most fashionable and wealthiest
women in town give their time, and I
felt quite honored when they let me
in on it. And it Is just the richest
young bachelors who send their things
here." Here Daisy faltered. "I would
have told you what I was doing, only
you have said so often that you didn't
want to go In for the society game,
and I was afraid that it you knew I
was working with the De Paysters
and the Van Duysenspiels you'd think
I was climbing. But truly I'm not. I
just wanted to help the poor Bel
gians." (Copyright. 1915, by the McClure Newspa
Assertions have recently been ap
pearing in various publications to the
effect that submarine torpedoes can
now be controlled and directed by
wireless; and to the effect that tor
pedoes which can be successfully
controlled by wireless can with equal
success be diverted by wireless from
their objective. Both claims have
yet to be made good in contest, but
the claim of a well-known motor car
company to control a motor car by
wireless has been substantiated fully.
At the Indiana state fair a car was
started every five minutes by wire
less from the company's headquar
ters five miles away. The car was
fitted up with a receiving apparatus
and the necessary automatic switches
and relays for throwing on and off t'-e
electric current of the starter and
magneto. An automatic switch was
regulated so as to allow the car to
run for 45 seconds, after which the
magneto was cut off. The operation of
starting the car was repeated at five
Wood pulp Is just what Its name Im
plies, and is obtained by disintegrating
wood either by a mechanical or a
chemical process. The former variety
is prepared by grinding it under wa
ter. It is Inferior in quality, as the
fibers are short and the product read-
lly discolors. Under the chemical
process the wood is cut up and boiled
under pressure with a solution of caus
tic soda, sodium sulphide, or, best of
all, calcium bisulphite, and the result
ing soft product Is pulped, pressed,
washed and bleached.
It was the use of this material that
so reduced the cost of paper as to
make the one-cent newspaper possible.
So rapidly, Indeed, did paper cheapen
from 1875 to 1885 that the Introduc
tion ot wood pulp is said within these
years to have trebled the circulation
ot England's newspapers.
Deductive Range Finding.
The Army and Navy Journal tells
how some clever English soldiers
found thaj range of a hostile battery,
"Somewhere in France" a detachment
was suffering severely from shrapnel
fired from a German battery so inge
niously hidden that all their attempts
to determine the position of it proved
futile. Behind the British position
was a hillside field. A shell from
the German battery went over the
trenches, struck the hillside, plowed
the surface for a considerable dis
tance, and. failed to explode. That
gave the data needed to solve the
problem. The furrow plowed by the
shell ot course showed the direction
ot its flight from the battery to the
point at which it struck. The time for
which the unexploded fuse had been
cut showed how far off the battery
was. The battery was promptly si
"I see that you are warning against
"I am," replied Mr. Eustln Stax.
"But don't you profit by the specu
lation ot others?"
"Of course. My warnings won'
stop 'em. They'll merely think I'm en
vious of their superior smartness and
want to keep them from making
An Alibi. -
"Truth, sir," said the pompous, sen
tentious writer, "lies at the bottom ot
"That may be," rejoined the listen
er, "but you may be sure It's not your
HOST WAS PLAINLY RESTIVE
Football Player Wanted to Show High-
Brow Company What He Could
Do in Scrimmage.
"Henry," remarked Mrs. Twobble,
I've been thinking over something I
want to say to you."
"Shoot!" said Mr. Twobble, briefly.
"Excuse me. Proceed."
"I wish you would try to appear
more at ease when we have company
In the house. You are not afraid ot
people, I hope?"
No," answered Mr. Twobble,
thoughtfully. "It isn't that The peo
ple you Invite here make me so con
foundedly uncomfortable with their
high-brow talk that I sometimes wish
they would try to start something, bo
could show them what an old-time
football player can do in a scrim
ALWAYS AND ANYWHERE.
The Preacher Toll me what Is the
best foundation for success in bust.
The Merchant Rocks.
Jinks won't let anybody get tho
better of him. No matter what they
brag of he always has something bet
ter. What do you think he said when
a man in a bunch where ho was boast
ed of the fine ruby he had on his fin
ger?" "What did he say?"
"That it was nothing to the car
buncle he had on his neck."
A Bigger Haul.
'As I waB coming home," said the
man who had burst breathlessly
through the door, "footpads set upon
me and took my watch and scarfpin."
'How lucky," commented his wife,
"that they didn't wait till Saturday
night and catch you when you were
coming borne with the market bas
ket" Missing No Tricks.
'People are saying that you do not
stand a ghost of a show at the next
"Good idea!" responded Senator
Sorghum. "I have tried to get the In
fluence of about every other organiza
tion. Maybe we can do something
with the Society of Psychic Re
High Art for Lowbrow.
Artist You see, we moderns strive
for the purgation ot the superfluous,
which throws the accent on the inner
urge. Do you follow me?
Friend No, I'm ahead of you. I
came out of the asylum last week.
"Had- a queer thing happen as we
were out in the auto the other day."
"No. A fellow in a rig drove out
of a side street two blocks ahead ot
us and ma, who was in the rear seat
never saw him."
Not Talking Much.
"What are you going to say when
you address congress?" asked the
"I don't know yet," replied Senator
Sorghum. "After the opposition I
have met with out home I don't feel
called on to make long speeches. I'm
lucky to be able to say 'Present!'"
"A magistrate has unusual domestic
advantages over other men whose
wives are always giving them a piece
ot their minds."
"What advantage has he?"
"When she starts In to give It he
can bind her over to keep the piece."
"Marriages," said the old-fashioned
sentimentalist, "are made In heaven."
"Yea," replied Miss Cayenne. "But
some ot them are like motor cars.
They run badly after they leave the
At a Disadvantage. -
"Do you think you can put a man
in the, penitentiary and then make t
perfect citizen ot him?"
"Not always. If you put htm in as
warden he's likely to be an object (J
criticism the rest of his Ufa."