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About The Eugene weekly guard. (Eugene, Or.) 1899-1904 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 6, 1900)
LET US ALL LAUGH.* I -a- GONNDENGE. CÖ JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA RIOUS HUMORISTS. i*l Pte aaaat Incident* World Over S ujiu ». Occurring ful ta Old or Yjuug F poverty does not render a man morbid It makes him gentle and kind-hearted. That la what It did for Jonathan Harrod. In the early days we had roomed together iu col lege—1 was going to say slept together, tut Jonathan seldom slept. He smoked and drank coffee and worked lUsteud. ‘aud blossomed into a winner of prizes As Jonathan was in love as well as in debt, and Just as prone as 1 to substi tute pipes for meals when the larder was low. w e learned to love each other during those four years with an affec- pon that was tlrm aud couAding. Jonathan used to advise me to fall In love, too. “1 tell you. old man,” be would say, when opening a letter of familiar blue, “when you are not feel ing well, aud tlie world grates ou you like a camel’s-hair shirt, there is noth ing so good as un old-fashioued love letter.” The writer of the old-fashioned mis rives lived out West, in Harrod's ua- tive town, aud, although 1 never met her. I came to know her almost us well a- Harrod did. be »poke of h«s so often. Aud then 1 used to watch bis face alien he read her letters. They must have been tender and sympathetic, but w itlial a dash of ambition aud inspira tion iu them. No tale of village gossip could have brought that light into Jon athan's eyes nor that flash of color to his cheek. At their conclusion be would dream a while, perhaps, and then fall at his books and work like n>ad. He showed me her picture one night. She was dark—with a high forehead and shadowy eyes. The mouth and chin were both well formed but rather masculine. It was a beautiful face, though not pretty. Although Harrod had loved the girl all his life—and she him, It there be aught in the signs of the zodiac—they had a misunderstanding of some sort or other during the summer that fol lowed bis graduation. When he re turned East the following autumn lie was quieter than ever before, and, if possible, more gentle and sympathetic, lie ami I had rooms together, where, in lieu of other inexpensive pastimes, we were wont to spend tlie evenings work ing and reading. I saw from tlie first that something ailed him; and, as lie no longer received the blue envelopes, nor counseled me to lose my heart, 1 guessed the reason and asked no ques tions. He did not become apathetic— Jonathan didn't. His old habit of work was stronger than ever. Aud now Ills stories began to apjiear occasionally iu tlie magazines, aud the dear public to recognize his name and to read what went with It. Two years liad passed away before Jonathan had made even the slightest reference to this love affair of his, and that was when he came into my room one cheerless, gray November after noon. the picture of abject melancholy. In ills baud was a crumpled piece of paper. This he placed before me on the table, then he went and seated him self before the flreplace, where I could not see his face. The paper was a clip I ping from joiue inland Journal describ ing in florid terms the wedding of Miss Winifred Conover to one Amos Sclieu- eck. Only halt the article had been clipped, evidently, aud this had been pasted on a half-sheet of note paper. 1 read the tawdry effusion through, then 1 twisted it to pieces aud dropped it luto the waste basket. "Jonathan, my boy.” I said, going over and seating myself on the arm of bis chair, “who sent you this thing'/” "I do not know.” And there was a world of sadness In Ills voice. “The en velope w as addressed In a strange hand • nd not a word acompanied It.” H sent hitu a paragraph from an account uf cousin's Wedding, and "—the color increased, then quickly subsided - knowing Jouathan so well. 1 w.sbed. if possible, to see him before the clip ping reached him. Aud you see. I knew you also knew him well.** Her lips dosed tightly for a aevoud, then curved into a »mile. Two great tears started from beueatb the drooping lashes, but were quickly Intercepted. 1 looked toward the place where Jon athau lay. A screen was between him aud the visitor, and only bis soft res piration betrayed bis presence. 1 turned to Miss Conover. “Jonathan loves you.’’ I said. "Do you love him?” Her eyes flashed witli a womanly luster, but agaiu her lips were Arm. “For if you do,” I exclaim ed. pulling aside the screen witli a sin gle swift movement, "be is here.'* "Jonathan!” Then as I left tlie room I looked back an<l saw her kneeling at bis aide. - Brooklyn Standard I'liiou. Funny Sc lec tion. that You W itt Enjoy. Fair Widow Yes. I’ve made up my mind that when 1 die 1 shall be cre mated. as my busband was. Gallant Captain—Dear lady, please don't talk alxiut such dreadful things. Consider how much better it wquld be. In your case, to er cross out tbe c.— 1’UUcU. No Alternative, “That's a terrible noise In the nurs ery. Mollie." said tbe mistress. "What s the matter? Can't you keep the baby quiet?" "Shun*. ma'am.” replied Mollie. "I can't keep him quiet ttuiess 1 let hint make a noise."—St. Louis Globe Demo crat. WHAT A DINNER REPRESENTS. Growth of the Different Viands In* volves an Outlay of *500, «X >0,000. Recently a mau who is fond of arith metic made up his mind that be would find out how much a dinner really cost. He first ascertained that the dinner l,e was eating cost 75 cents, presumably He coutradicted this Hnd then made out the following statement ubout tlie cost of that dinner. The pepper, he said, came from 10.- 000 miles away. It grew on a bush eight feet high, which must have had a growth of at least five years. The pepper was picked gwn; it had to be dried in the sun, and this meant em ploying women. It took one ship and 1,000 miles of railroad to bring the pep per to the VnlttMl States. The flour of which the bread was made came from Dakota; some one owned tlie land, aud that meant the in vesting of capital, ami he bad also to pay wages to workingmen. Tlie flour had to la- ground, and the building of tlie mill and the plant, or machinery, meant more money invested. The mill ers had to be paid, eoojiers had to be paid for making the barrels, aud. of course, tlie wood of which the barrels were made bail to tie cut ami sawed and shaped, and this meant tlie em ployment of more men. Then the flour had to be shipped over the railroad and handled again by eartiueu before it came Into the house. The tea on the table came from China ami the coffee from South America. The codfish had to lie brought from Maine. Men had to be employed to catch the fish; other men aud women were cm ployed in drying, packing and boxing It. and It, too. bad to make a lung rail road Journey. Tlie salt came from the Indian reser vation In tbe northwestern part of New York State. The spices In tlie cake came from the spice islands in the Indian archipelago. The < ann.d peac! es eanie from California, and they, too, represented the employment of capital and labor. Tlie little dinner represent ed. directly or Indirectly, the employ ment of $500.000,"' hi ,,f capital ami 5.- (MHi.iHMl men. Memphis Commercial- Appeal. How an Indian Died. A resident of Little Kock, who pass ed through the territory of the Chicka saw nation recently, tells through the Washington Post of the execution of a young Indian for violation of the laws of his tribe. Among the Chickasaw» stealing is punishable by death, ami It seems that this young buck had been thrice convicted of larceny, The chief We were both silent for a moment. of the tribe, who ulotie could sate him. The logs w ere burning cheerily, outs.de refused a pardon, and there was notb- tlie wind was blowing a gale. Jonathan Ing to do but carry out the sentence. Mt with his face id bis bauds. “When The condemned man was placed In a 1 came here to you Just now," he said. wagon and driven to a graveyard Just "I was chilled and lonely—the day is east of the little village where he had He descended from the so somber, and I had been tramping been tried. I all »ver the country, and—well, 1 came wagon and with stoical demeanor walk to say good-by, b wanted to leave this ed to where his grave had been freshly life aud wait for Winifred in the next, dug. and surveyed it witli apparent tiu for"- his voice went straight to my concern. Then he knelt and prayed heart—“ah, Billy; I love her so!” I re with a preacher who had known him Arising, he walked garded him with compassion. “You lie from boyhood. down here on the lounge before the tiruily to the head of bis grave, wbeie fire." I commanded him, "and stop this be took tils seat upon a large stone, brooding.” I pushed forward the facing death with a courage tliat seem com b as I spoke, and he dropped on it ed sublime. After saying a few words, like an obedient child, lie gave me one in which he advised all young men of grateful look, and then, under the In bls raceto take warning and lead honest fluence of the genial warmth and the lives, be was blindfolded, and a second fatigue of many vigils fell fast asleep. later the sharp report of a dozen Win There are days In the lives of us all. chosters rang out. and bis earthly ex- 1 fancy, when a vague and subtle sense istence was ended. of mystery Invests the commonest ob- XI 10,000 lor a Single I'earl. jo ts; when ottr minds recognize new The largest price ever asked and paid qualities In common things; when the look In the eyes of a child, tbe glint of for a single pearl was £110.000, which sunlight In a woman's hair, tbe sound was tlie value of the gnat Tavernier ®f a distant churchbell, stir feelings pearl. It was originally in the posses deep within us we have never known sion of an Arabian merchant, and before. That afternoon there was a Mons. Tavernier traveled from Faris shite rarnation in the vase on my writ to C'atifa with tlie express Intention of ing table, and as I sat there pondering purchasing the pearl. Although be went prepared to pay Jonathan'! sorrows Its perfume stole Into my brain like a sweet and potent any sum between £1,000 an*l £100,0>»>. ■ aodyne. It conjured up visions as fair lie concluded that he would be able t>> • ’ the dreams of Dr. Faustus, and yet— obtain it for about £25.0<s>. His first •nd yet. there was a sense of forebod offer was £10.0«». but after the deal ing. a premonition of something about had remained open for a few days this had risen to £75.000. Finally the trans to occur. Whether or not I dozed I cannot say, action was closed wltb £110.0001 an<l but suddenly I was aware that some pearl experts stat-; that It Is a clear bar other than Jonathan was tn tbe room. gain at that price, It Is the largest ami • nd that be was wide awake and look most perfect gem of Its kind known ing at me intently. I raised my eyes. and Its luster is M d to lx* unrivaled. It • nd there, to tny Infinite surprise and is exactly two Inches In length and »«tonisbment. I saw standing opposite oval-shaped. tbe. across the table, a stylishly gowned Arw <'ure for IxX/klaw. Joutig woman. Dr. Roux, of the Pasteur Institute, I started to my fret witfc an apology annouwea tbe discovery of an efficient •n tuy Ups. but as I glanced at her face cure for lockjaw. The antltetanic - rum *ny tongue was tied and I remained used in Germany would not work till •¡lent. She was dark and with a high Dr. Roux bit ou tbe plan of injecting f'j’ehead and shadowy «>ra The It Into tbe brain under tbe membranes •booth and chin were txxtb well formed, but rather masculine. And she was His plan has ,’eeD trle'1 "‘,b f**M>1’**" success on a man. •ewutlful. though not pretty. "Miss Conover,” I exclaimed. • ulti Number». “Yea,” she answered, with a voice The Fis niese hare a gnat horror of •bat was low and vibrant, “it Is I. odd numlsTs. and were never known to Then, with her brown eyes fixed on the^ Mt Ö'e. •■•»• n niue or •!•■>• u • b4>sv ’ ’lor manti.:.g®Q g bouse or temple. k*r <beek. »he continued. “1 have Just It .» a rare man w Uv nt d« arrived In tbe city. Yesterday I learned that ax, ancient enemy of Jonathan » th uxs every da/. © tuc Iti.l Ar» c htci - Right. School Teacher What little boy can tell me where is tbe home of the swal low? Bobby—I kin. please. School Teacher—Well, Bobby? Bobby—Tbe home of the swallow is the stummlek.- lit Bits. Another on Chicago. Re loanable. The Father -Look here, my boy. you told me you would need only $ju> for your college term, and now you want >5«.O more Tbe Son—But tbl» la for the thing» 1 don't ueed.—Life Minister imQui Wm« \ l»*eti I - M iuiled «nd Had to Be Aroused, l'ocmei Minister to Mexico R.in«om la very ab»eut-m tided After the Min ister left tbe cloakroom of tbe House one of the memltei* said: Hi* F’ir.t voietvratton. "Dili you e> er talk to th«» Minister "This month I celebrate tuy twenty When his uiiud has lieen occupied w ith fourth . rtlot.v " b'i- iv»» and. without «»ting for a "That's odd—so do I.” rejily, tbe member «•untlnued "I did. "But I celebrate mtue for tbe first 1 met him soou after his return from time."— Heitere Welt. Mexico, aud after we »book baud* be ■aid: Writing a Wrona. "What's ou baud':" asked the city "'How I* your sister. Frank?* editor. “'She is «veil,' I said. "I am now goiug," said the reporter, "liie Minister's mind then returned w ho bad beeu assigned to a murder to some buaiuesa for tive minutes aud story, "to write a great wrong."—Den then he said; ver Times. "'How is your sister, Frank?’ ami, as before. I replies! that »lie whs well. A Drop Too Much. Hoax What made tlie elevator fall? Five minutes later lie rai»e«l his eyes Joax The elevator man took a drop from some papers and remarked: “ 'Oil. Frank, liow is your sister?* I too much. Philadelphia Record. thought the eotiv vrsatlon was be.tvmlng Fool for Luck. rather m«vnotouous, ati«l to change It I Quizzed My wife's tlie luckiest answertxl that *be was very 111. goose; found a dollar lull to day aud 1" " 'Blews me! you dou't suy so! I am ceuts last week. sorry to I umt It, Frank.* Flaaell Humph! Mine fiuds sotue- "He turned to his papers again fot tliiug every «lay. another tive minutes. an«l bang tne If Quizzed That so? What? It«* didn't turn around ami say: Flzaell—Fault. Detroit Free Press. '■ 'Frank, how is your sister?* At first I thought he was guylug me. but, A General Term. looking at him sharply, I renllze«! that "Where did they go for their vaea he ha«! forgotten tlie conversation, and tlou?" 1 answered sadly. She is «lend.* "To tbe mountains.” “'Why uuin. you don't mean It!’ he "Wliat luouutalus':” “Well, 1 think they are Just in the exclaimed. Jumping from bis seat, and rear of their I tide Jim Stebbiu»’ farm exteudlug his hand in a most sympa thetic manner. adiUng: 'Tliat Is drtwd- bouse «low n iu Nuutheru llliuoy." , ful. When did It liapi>en? Tell me all Cleveland l’lalu Dealer. •liout It.’ Holid. ** ‘Why,’ I replied. 'I killed her juat "Yes. I ate the cuke she baked. To now When I came In your offlev I told make myself solid, you know !” you she was well twice; then I told you "Did you succeed?” she was very III and tliat didn't hu- "In a sense. 1 couldn't feel any *ol- prvM you. So. for your benefit, 1 have lder if I hail eaten brickbats and ce Just klHevl her.' ment."—Detroit Journal. "The old man lookeil at me for • mo- meut ami then replied: Prodigal'» Choice, “ 'You tnnst pardon me. Frank. I “Well, dad.” cried the prodigal «on. flippantly, "wouldu't you better go out was thluking about these papers." The Philadelphian Isn't the mud on this street a trifle deep? I ami kill tlie fatted calf now?" Chicagoan (proudly! Deep? It is the "Yes, I guess I would.” returnetl the deepest mud on any paved street lu th<> | old mau slowly, "tine calf Is enough world!—Indiauapolis Press. to keep at a time."- Harper s Bazar. His New Product for lien». Has liven Bail Spelling. Not Surprised, A llalvit of His. DISAPPEARING. One in Natal Slum* h terr<i. Too True. None to Be Married. “Si." yelled the nelglilsir from Hie road, "your wife has Jist run off witli Bill Johnson.” "She hex. hex she?" answered tbe farmer in tlie field; "wall. Bill allays wuz a borrerin' trouble. Git ap there!” — Indianapolis Press. Lust "Our women's base ball club went tu pieces.” "Game ttsv exhausting?" "No. but we couldn't find a lady um pire who would give a declslou aud stick to it.” Detroit Free Press. XV lij w iIli«- Stay» Home. Tess Wete there any marrying men down at the shore? Je»s Yes; it was awfully aggrava ting. Teas Aggravating? Jess—Yes; there were four ministers and two Justices of the peace there.— Philadelphia Press. "Yes," saal the man with the borts! expression, “I'll admit the truth of ev ery word you say about the weather being oppressively hot. But I don't see tlie use of making it a topic of con versation.” “Why, it is such remarkable weather that I couldn't help mentioning it." “There is a |s>int on which I beg to disagree witli you. It is not remark able weather. 1 liave never iu all m.v life known an August when it was not oppressively hot."—Washington Star. HIPPOPOTAMI The The last hippopotamus has been slaughtered iu Natal. All the larger and more curious creatures are disap pearing so fast that tills will be a mo notonous world, at any rate for natur alists. In another century. Not so long ago tlie hippopotamus haunted tlie rivers of t’ape t'olony and Natal, and "lake cow bacon," as the salted layer of meat underlying tlie tilde is called, was a favorite dish, hut now tills huge creature lias dlsnppeared from Ixitli countries. Tlie hunter lias been Its en emy for many a century, lint tlie rifle 1« a far more deadly weapon than the assegai. Tlie animal had an appetite propor tional to Its bulk and can accommodate a great deal of vegetable produce. Be sides tills, It is a wasteful feeder, trumping down and tearing up much more than it «onsunies, and It prefers cultivated plants to wild vegetation. That lias proved Its doom In Natal. One lierd was left at Seacow lake, a coast lagoon near Durban, and was pmtected by the government. It con sisted of parents and a family of five. I’nfortunately these, ilk«* young people • 11 the world over, loveil "sweetie»,” and imide nocturnal raids on the neigh boring sugar cane plantations. The owner» petltlone<l tlie government, a warrant of execution was granted ami the parental hull, who must have I hm - ii nearly 50 years old, was tlie last to fall, and will lietieeforth bo only an “ex hibit** at tlie Durban museum. So the strange creatures of the earth disappear lx fore the white man, the great destroyer. The hippopotamus, tlie elephant, ami tlie giraffe, to speak only of Africa, with many kinds of antelope, are rapidly diminishing In 'lumbers. Lomlon Htamlard. * Redeeming Quality. Judg«*— Y'ou were begging ou tbe pub He streets aud yet you bad $20 iu your pocket. Prisoner Yes. Jedge; I may uot be as industrious ns some, y'r honor, but I'm no spendthrift. New York Weekly. KILLED HIS SOTER IN FUN q Mother Why don't you go out. Wil lie. aud play witli Sammy Jones? Willie—1 played witli Sammy Jones yesterday, a ml I don't s'|s>se lie's well euough yet to get out. luter Ocean. Good Alarm Clock, Employer I congratulate you on that new baby of yours. Higgins. Higgins—Thank you, sir. Employer And I liave no «loubt that hereafter you will l>e waked tiji early enough mornings Io get to Hie ottice every day oil time. Somerville Journal. Another Woman Joke. “Youngling Is going to marry th« To spell badly 1» no longer consid widow Henpeek.” ered particularly Illiterate—that Is to "Why. she's twice ns old ns In1 Is." say. It does uot betoken a want of ed “oli. well. lie'H age fast enough after ucation Au eminent lawyer, who Is tlie wedding."- Brooklyn Life. considered one of tlie most "brainy” men of his time, said recently that un Knew kier Hub t. til he was married he bad always spell "That typewriter girl Isn't In love ed husband with an I after the n, and with anybody around this office.” a note«! physician when taking his ex "How do you know?" aminations at Hie medical college "Why. vv lieu she gets too warm she tripped up on "medicine.” Another Summer Boarder—What kind of hikes her collar off." ludiauapolls funny case was that of a young man fowls are these? Journal. who, having been graduated with tbe Farmer Landlord Plymouth Rocks. highest honor» from his university, sent Vaefal. Summer Boarder oh. yes. They’re Fair painter I hope you don't mind out cards, which ho had written per the kind that lays the corner stum s. sonally, saying that lie had formed a my sketching lu your field? ain't they? Farmer l.ortl. no. inlssle! You keep "buislness" partnership with Mr. No- Had to Give Way, the birds off the pens Is-tter’n a' ortliu • ml So. The fact of tlie matter Is that spelling Is so neglected In the curri “Have your summer vacation plans ary scarecrow. Tit Bits. culum of schfxds ami colleges nowa matured yet. Billy?” Good of It«, Kind. days that It Is a hlt-or ml»» kind of ac* "Oh. yes; hut they had to be side "What sort of a table do they set at compllabment. Those who have ac tracked ou account of some summer your house?” asked tlie prospective curacy and "ear” remember the vari note« tliat also matured."- Indiatiup boa rder. ous combinations, and others fall utter «Jis Journal. "Table of waits aud measures,” said ly to rv*taln the Impression made while An Ka«y One. Aslmry Peppers lu reply. "Tbe first rending or studying, the provision made Gn'at Actor—I propose making a fare long anil the latter sborL" Loudon In iiiotiern boys’ sc I kmi I s and colleges to well tour of the provinces. What play Tld Bits. train the sense of sound ami It» expres would you advise? Orderln-z hr the Card. sion being of little account. Crltl« 'Much Adieu Al»out Nothing.” Diner ito restaurant waiter) What —Detroit Journal. Dream of a Volunteer. have you got for dinner? Walter Roast l«effrica»wdcblekeB When I rome horn«- from the I’teillpplzve Ent 1« avia» tic 1‘hotographer. I wan» no speeches made, pot a Fair One'» Father Why did you »t c w ed la uibhash baked* nd fried No Jewel«"! sword nor loving cup. toes college puddlnginlikteaandcoffee. bring that kodak with you? No banquet nor parade; Dinner Give me the tlilrd, fourth, But Jnst a table set for two, Poor Ixvver—That I might catch your | fiftli. sixth, eightreutb aud nineteenth A K' xm I. old fashioned feast. • x|>re--ion of astonishment when I ask With flaky »bortcake, light and white — ed you for your d. lighter's hand. File syllables. Tit Bits. Two dozen at tbe least. geude Biaetter. Can't Wait ’Em. "When he bustles they say It'» all I tor effe< t.” •‘Yea.** "Ami when lie quiet» down they say he s (rising < levelaud Plain Dealer. | Dlffceent. “Dawdler play» golf so we.ll he ougbt to be a professional." "Yes. I »Uggested It to bitn, but Ite says nothlng wtiuld Induce blm lo Work to hard lu hot wi-ather." t's'V I.Itile Thine. Friend Everybody »ay» the baby look» like yon doe»n I tint please you? Mr N >;•■;• > I t*. • : | tell you what. I'm glad u<> ody think* of saying I Io k like the baby Stand aru and ¡'¡tut - Not Headqnartee». "Wliat I 1 ber fatbT »ay?" ! kfcoo M u '• a n d i ra t a ti I came to him all hl- pr >• rty was in bl» wife's name"—Chr> Gaud Plain Dvider. TORTUBES IN (’HINA. Tn England there la a college of artna ■ English heralds' college, where are l.« t the records of tbe conferring of ../ins. There only can tbe person of Luglish ancestry make himself quite «ure of the validity of bis bearings. I he earl marshal’s <*ourt baa power to uqxise tlue» aud penalties for unau- tiioriae«! ussumptlou» of arms. In tbe ■ "liege have been kept for centuries the records of the great. The duties of the • •Hi era of arms consist In making grants and exemplifications of ar morial lx*aring». truciug ami recording peiligrees, proving am! registering pat ents <>f nobility, obtaining royal 11- cense f„r eliauge of surnames, procur ing patents of s|HM'lal procedure and searching records for armorial ami geii'.iloz. il information — Chicago New s. FEARFUL PUNISHMENTS SANC TIONED BY LAW. Embrace of the Hot-Water Peepent Buruiug «tut of Eve» with Quk-kltuir —Celestial Couaciriltiou«nc •» Abvul calving Deterred Puuiahment. \\ rot^- «lucre n China are alwaya sub lect«-d tu puulshmcul uf a physical banicter. luiprisouiuetit is almost up- »uuvvn, ami har«i labor us a puulsbmi'ut «tok*«l upou as foolish. Prisoners sentenced to puulshuieut of tbe various grades are releasetl if they 'all ill. but ou their recov«*ry they must ircsi-ut Ibeuisi-lves tu tin* authorities io go through their torture or death, as th«1 sentence lias de«‘rv«“d. Niddoui a v'hiliamnu tries to rscapc tin seuteuce mposid upou him. There are cases without number in which a «rliuiual las beeu sentenced to death, but, fall- ng sick, has Ixx-u rvlea-c«!. so that -ouie mouths afterward, on his rvcov- •ry, he will present himself to th«1 exe- utiouer to go through th«’ process of lei upltaiioii or slow dentil by torture. The tortiir«« Inflicted iqvoli those ad- Imlgcd guilty of treason is culled tlie Tint water ser|H«ut." The uuforluuate wretch who has to undergo this bar- >arity 1» fasten«**! »««eun'iy to a stool. X long «-oil of hose la wound around Ills Imlis and body. Du«* end of tbe boee las a head like tliat of a serpent, aud uto tlie mouth scalding water is pour 'd. The first lot of water is allowed to cool, ami la tlien let out of tbe tail of :he serpent and the hose refilled with more boiling water. This process Is 'epeat«'<l until tlie miserable crimiual, n frightful agony, expires. A Chlnnuiau convicted of a particu larly heinous offeuse usually Is sen- :enced to blludness. lu the Eastern provinces the mau is burled up to his !>•< k In tile ground Httd tlien ills eyes • lucked out The Westell! provinces ;o tills pleasant practice one better. The criminal is laid on his back and •Irmly »«'cured. A man conies forward, arrylng iu Ills hands two small lings if «lulckllme. With th«-"«' he bents at '.hi1 «'yes of the victim. The tears en- oreed by tlie beating action tire the lulcklltne, mid tlie eyes are soon burn- «1 away. Tlie punishment of the rack r«‘<-iills lie days of tlie Inquisition, although lie t'hlllesi* linve used tlie rack for up ,vnr<l of J.tHHi years. Tlie rack is used o extort confession. Tin1 rack Is cotu- sistxl of a strong plank of wood, hav ug at one end an upright block. In vliicli lioles ill«* cut to a<'<'oinmodnte til«* iea«l and arms of the prisoner. At tlie ttlier end are three upright pieces of .«ood. between which the ankles of tlie •Tetlin are secure«). Tlie two outshle •locks are Inimovable, tlie spa«*« be- ween tlu-sc and tlie inl>l<ll«> on«’ being «util« lent to iic<‘omiiiodate th«* legs of lie prisoner. Tlie torturer Inserts !»•- w««ii the sl<l«' and tlie middle blinks n .vedge, which lie beats down with a millet. Tills contriii'ts tlie lower por- loti of tlie ldocks. until tile ankles of lie sufferer are cruslKxt and pulverized. Tlie prisoner doomed to close confine ui'iit Is plactxl In n cell. Ial«l on a stun«* dab ami securely bouml with chains. >o Hint lu* cannot move liand or foot. In the punishment of the bastinado or • 'hamboo beating" the prisoner Is brown on Ills stomach. Ids feet «de lated, amt a certain number of blows lellvered on the soles The paiti of this s excruciating, ami many are known o ill«1 from Its effects. "The swing" Is another barbarity. I'he victim Is secured by n rope attach- •<l to Ills feet ami srouml his breast and lolsted to a Iteain. Face downward, lie s unable to move, anti In this position a tlie s|Htrt of passers by. It frequent- y happens that the offemler of Chinese aw undergoing tills punishment loses, lirtiugli mortification, the use of Ida tether limbs, owing to the tightness of lie Iwiml« around tlie ankles. Actual execution consists of two notles decapitation ami strangulation. I lie former Is practiced In tlie northern tnd «'astern provinces mid tin- latter In In- western. Most trivial offenses are mtilslie<l by death, according tu the shim of tlie mandarin. Chine»«- executioners ar«1 wonderfully ■Xpert. No block la used In decaplta lon. A bystander seizes the pigtail of lie condemned, ami the executioner, a TII i one clean sweep of his sword, «ever* the licad from the Ixtdy. Ntrangulathtn Is more relined. The victim IS Ixtuml to a « toss and a ro|te ittachcd to a lever Is passed round his leek. At a signal tin- executioner bears qxtn the rope, gradually drawing the ■bin up until the liack of the head Is 'oreed between the shoulders, am! In Jils position the miserable wretch die». A pale ami d!sheve!«*d Frenchman w ho lia«t uot fouml "a life on tlie ocean wave" all that cotthl be exjtected. waa sinking into Ills steamer-chair, w hen a pa senger :i»k«sl ehverlly: Ab. good morning. monsieur; have you break- f.tsteil?" "No, monsieur,” answered Hie pallid Frenchman, "I have uot breakfasted; on the,contrary!” A witness, lx*ing cross-examine«! as to ills distance from a particular place, answered very promptly. "1 was Just four yanla, two fee* aud six Indira off." "Ami how <-a lie you to lie so exact tn the matter?" asked the coun sel. w ith a significant look upon bls In quiring «-ounteiiauee. "Because." came : tlie unexpected reply, "I extx-« t«sl some fool or other would ask me, aud so 1 ■ measured it.” President John Quincy Adams once asserted Hint he "would uot glvefiOceuts for all the works of Phidias or Praxi teles;" adding tliat he "hope«! tliat America wouhl not thluk of sculpture for two centuries to cotue.” On hear ing of tills, William Morris Hunt, tlie foremost American painter of his day. dryly Inquired; "D«»ra that sum of money risilly represent Mr. Adams' es timate of tlie si'iilpture of those artists, or tlie value which he placed upou 50 cent«?" Among the assembled officer» at a re- cent supper lu Nouth Africa was a very pompous, self opinlattxl major, whose rank comtmtmbsl for him a r»‘»pectful hearing, intt whose habit of Instructing Ills brethren lu matters military, Ixith In ami out of season, made him rather unpopular. Winston Churchill ami tie* major Mt aid«' by aide at tlie table, and tlie martial potentate voiced his opin ions in Ills usual manner. Churchill bore tlie Infliction dumbly for a aeason; tlien, taking advantage of a pause, w lien tlie major wanteil to tak«> breath, lu* said, very complacently ami irrele vantly: “Do you know, major, 1 met a mnu tills morning who would gladly forfeit £50 for the pleasure of kicking you." "Kicking me, «ir!" roared th«* angry major; "kicking me! I must ask you to mention his name !inm«*diate!y'." "But Hie fact la. tuajnr, I a in not sure tliat I ought to toll you,” replied Churchill, witli s«*lf nssiimod caution. "But I Insist on knowing hla name at oni'r, sir!" shouted the truculent officer, now nxl with rage. "Well, sir, I »up- pose 1 must tell you. It was n poor young fellow in the hospital who lias lost both his legs by the bursting of a »hell.’* M. Montiler, the well-known French Asiatic traveler, vouches for the truth of tlie following story of how hlsfrlend. Hop King, a traveled Oriental and mau of means and refinement, was ou one occasion sorely victimized. Hop Sing lived lu tlie Street of tbe Roasted Corn, ns unsavory and aa 111 pave«! a street ns any in all Pekin. The local mandarin was an Intimate friend of Ills, aud Hop King nvalled himself of this friendship to prewe the mandarin to have tlie Street repaved. Certainly! At once. .. ........ . would lx* at whrk on it be fore Hop Sing ha«l returutxl home. A week IMissed; then another visit, and so on. uni 11. in despair. Hop King determine«! to have the street repaired at bls own expense. The work wa* satisfactorily completed. The surprise of Hop Sing was only equaled by ilia indignation when, on awaking one morning, he found a gang of coolies upheaving the newly flaggixl street. Illa surprise grew when lie lira rd from the mau- darln'a own lips that the men were there at his orders "You a«*e. my dear friend.” asld tbe mandarin, "I am ex pecting the head ln»p«s-tor round here In a few days. Now. If he were to see tbe tx-autlful pavement you have laid d«iwn lu your street he would come to tbe conclusion that there waa money about, and he wouhl assuredly bleetl every vein in tny Ixxly. Thia would m««in my ruin. Don't you see why your pavement really must mnie up? It <<ise me one fortune to secure my post. I don't want to spend anothra In keeping It.” I’agodas as Nln-<>ffcrings. Just as brewers an«! other evil men n Englam! conciliate heaven by erect- ng ehur<Ties, so the Istld, bad, Ithxxly- ian«le<| Burman makes It all right for Tie next exlatence by erecting pagodas, tn pro(M>rtlon to the height of the tagoda his heap of sin disappears. And is the Burman, like the rest of us, ooks after Ills own wants rather than .hose of Ids an«v»tora. he bulltls a tagoda all to himself anil allows bls jramlfather'» to topple over. An nncle if the deposted king must have hern otind shouldered with tlie weight of 11» wrong «lings Anyway, at tbe foot Ph king P<" beta with Tor*. When I rome home from the Philippine» if Mandalay lllll a nice, breezy cniln The <;» !■ ln>». <>r dwellers in the ex 1 want som>- |"-s<-h preserves; •nee. admlraldi* to give yoti an appetite tensive plains of Buenos Ayres, are A nutmeg-sprinkled rustard pie ■ nd a pain in tlie back he built 720 marvelously dexteron« with both tiands Would soothe my shattered nerve» tagudns. though the guides count aud fo t. Many of them have acquire«! And don’t forgrt the apple sauce, »rung ami say there are only 450. But through long practice sin h skill in Nor but molasses cske. terlisp» they mention the smalk-r num using tb«lr toe* aa If they were fingers With lots of ginger in it, too. ter out of regnr«l for their monarch's Like mother us«-d to make. that they can fling the lasso aud even ■Dele. ii«t wishing to ex|to»e the real pick pocket* with them. Nome time iiagnltmle of bla slnfiilne»«. The ago a Frenchman who was fishing in When I ■ rue borne from th» Philippine« tagoda* are all white ami set out In I want a borne made meal; one of the rivers of Buenos Ayres was The kind that leaves no after taste ows. «nd iitulcr <■•'It Were what we wanted to <>n Ilia guar«! against the Of »moke and flrv and steel. ironoun<‘«sl to I»' tomtietonra. We were tight fingered natives, lie forthwith Ko have it ready, with my chair arong. for the Inscriptions were not to kept a vigilant watch on hi* eompsn- J tut where it u»«-d to be, be «tear <leparte«l but •■••ri»tlt:it«il a Iona, but uwertheltois one day when his And I'll bang up my army hat •implcte copy of tbe law In the Fall attention wa» closely rivet«! on his And ait right down to tea. «tngue.—T ra veL float a wily Gaucbo drew near and deli -lx-»lie‘s Weekly. cately Inserting hl» foot, extra« ted the The Homan Vlonta da Pleta. » iigtanil's I ollege of Aetna. Frewiitnati • ho<>k» ami other valua Tlie most leu ent pawnbroker'* shop I hi you want a coat of arms to etn M«-s from bis (io«-ket Bo<toti Tran in the world la »aid to be tbe Montn da ilazon upon your stationery or your •ertpt __________________ ___ I’leta. at Rome. Wh h has existed ever arrlag«- panels? I'ay your stationer a a n« e 15N5 it loans frotu $3 to $5 upoa !>-e and leave to him tbe task of equip Larger the Metta*, The wrs•'••». thick lipped flsl, found g'xxl »»' urlty without demanding in ping you. He will find a coat of arms near nek/ shores, differ frotu most terest. but 2 per cent ver aunum la belonging to some one of similar aur- mine, will give It to you and you will other fish In that the larger they are charged upon all greater sums. w eli'gant lu the eyes of all who don't toe better they are adapted tvr fuu«l The wrecklena captain la tba |uuw aux better. 'I Utf grvw ts> pounds. meat pvpzzar with eailora« How Fast Things Go. 1 ' , - I ' | I i A mathematician has compll«-d tbe following list of sp«*«*da a second: The snail, on«- half Inch; a man walking. 4 feet; a fast runner, 23 feet; a fly, 24 feet; faat skater, 3N feet; a carrier pigeon, 87 feet, locomotive, sixty miles an hour, Wi feet; swallows. 220 feet; tlie worst cyclone known, !«0 feet; tbe Krakatoa wave, at the volcanic catas trophe of Aug 27, 1NU8, In the Nunda Islands. IM«* feet; the surface of tbe glolie <>n »«-a level at the equator. 1,300 fi <-t; the m««in, .T.2."iO feet; the sun. 5t» miles; the earth, 18 miles; Holley's comet In the per.helion. 233 mil«-»; elec tric current on telegraph wires, 7.uia) miles. Induction current, 11.040 miles; electric current In copper wire arma tures. 21.tsst niilsa; light, ISO.««») miles; <11* barge of a I-eyden Jar through cop- |i«r wire one sixteenth of an Inch In diameter. 277,100 mile», which Is sal«i to have been tbe bigheat velocity meas ured. When a woman Is angry she tells a man Just wbat she thlnka of him—and ln«*ideutally Just what everybody visa ' thlnka of him. . I ngram matlcally speaking- • blse K a conjunction.
