I HIM STEINIIARDTC NEMESIS i
3 UY J. MACLARKN COURAN.
CIIAH'HIt Vll-Contltiuoil.
"It In Hlniiiiliir," I wilil, "Hint you
In yimr own way should have mine t
tint siimo conclusion ulsiilt Hlclnhardt
um 1 linui gradually lieon coming to. I
do tint trust lilm ut all ; Im Im jil I i Ii-hh
nml unscrupulous, anil I am sum Im
would tiiakn mi morn Inquiries concern
lii! your father tliim sccmis! necessary
for tlm nikii n( iiiH'iiriinii'. Hut, ili'iir
Miss Ijicrnlx, I think you can lo nu
KmhI by going l London yourself. I,ct
um act lor you In the mutter; believe
iiio, I limn It aH much at In-art n if it
went my own. Have a little patience,
ami I tlilnk hiimIiiiII net iitsiiiii'thlng."
"Why," iflin asked eagerly, "have
you lii'iinl something at lift from tlio
frli'liiln In whom you wintt'7"
"No; I have not."
"I BllpHJSO," Willi sill', Willi WIIIHI
bitterness, "It In (o tl only tlm loss
of olio stranger out of tlm itowiIh all
nroiinil tlii'in."
I tlii'li tolil her of I In- mission I'rc".
tl i it 1 1 liuil 1 1 1 1' I r 1 11 k ii 1 , refraining, how
mor, from euylng tlmt I liiul directed
IiIh atli'iitlou to tin) ruilivay stations,
ninrii particularly lo tlm (Iriiat North
ern, nml I mlvlr-inl Iht to ri'iiinln at
Tlinporley Hall for tlm present, mil to
conduct herself lowanl Htolnhurdt mo an
not to cxclln 1 In resentment or sua
ili'lon, tJ)ioii till wn prepared U) Icnvn tin)
cottage; ami on glancing casually nwny
from her, I huh arrested liy tlm
liavlor of tint olil man.
"Ixik at lilm!" I Involuntarily ex
claimed. 1 1 1 m faro wan Hushed, anil u If puffed
wllh IiIikkI; It Im eyes worn oxtrnnrilln
arlly bright ainl wnti'liful; IiIh mouth
twilchi'il grotesquely, ns If lit tlm effort
to im It for speech; ami It I h right leg
anil shoulder stirred u llttln under thi
blanket.
"Olil" rrlml IiiiIni, "crhnps seeing
im, nml hearing un talk if Im hint
I iran I UK tins roused hllllt I'nrln
James," she said, in n loml voire,
going to lilm, ninl laying her warm,
cult J i ii t n I on IiIh withered, lifeless
wrist, "nm you fettling letter?"
His only answer wu a wink of hi"
bright eyes.
"IIitu In John coming," sho con
tllllliil to lilm. "I shall cotnii ami see
you tomorrow nn I n . "
Wo Ml tlm cottage an John up
proarhtsl with hln wheel harrow, lioar
Ihg tlm sholl llnli for hln afUirnoon
roiiml.
"I think your master mint Im rous
ing uiii llttln, John.," iwiil I.oulso.
"Vm," nalil John; "I think ha inuu,
mini. Kcciim to mo ho mny got an
miii I ngulil an ho wan afore til' other
muster wont to I.unnon."
An I took my way through tho vll
Ingn to my lodgings, I found myself
turning over tluiKo word of John: how
"wnll," I wondered, hail olil Jacques
Uhui lieforn hln nephew wnut to Im
ilon? If hit con li I recover speech, coulil
ho It'll un anything of consequence con
cerning hint?
CIIAITKU VIII.
Both Minn Ijternlxnnd myself waited
Impatiently for imwn from Froeinnn in
.oinlnii. I'rnm ilay to i lay I cxpis'tod
a letter; nml ihty a Hit ilay, whan 1 ini't
lit r either in Jacques's cottage or in
tho llttln dough Ik') i) in I Tiniporlny
Hall, I hinl to toll her that no It-ttur
liiul coma. Hhti ipiii'kly hcnan to nhow
nlunn of Hint lu-nrt alrknuw, whirh in
tlm yomiK In no n-aily to follow nion
tin) ulinily, imli'llnlto pontonumiint of
hope. In my odiirlH to tnroiiriiKn Iiit
I cili'ouraKiil iiiyrulf a In) to Ik'Hiivo
that an (humillnu' I'onor huh holillux
thin myHlnry In IiiiihI for Mime f out
puriora, only to rovoal It uvcntually
wllh thu morn for nml effect.
Out) evening when I met her In Hit)
rloiiKli wu wtirn IhiHi htnrtliil ami
Kiltuuvil liy tho clour, full note of a
lilnl a llipiiil "Joiik-jouk."
"In It n thritnh?" I taiil III a wlilopor.
Sim liatenixl lreatlilesn, almont punt
IliK, with Joy.
"Oil," nhi) wlilnporml, nt lomjth, "It
in n iilKhtlnj!ale It in n nlnlitlnpile!"
ninl, poor itirl, nho actunlly eoliheil.
"How' can tlm dear llttlu hlril h.ive ut
ho far out of Itn way an thia ilreiulfiil
phiee?"
After n rnpt attention of mine niin
li ten to tho ravlnhlnK hiihk, IhiHi of un
wero linpelleil to go nwny to toll otliern
of our ilelixht. Tlio path nut of thu
cIoiikIi lei! nlunu tho riilno liuhlml Tlm
IKirley, punt two or tlireo neat llttln
hoiiKoa. From one of thcro we wero
nurprUeil, an wo approached, to hear
iiiiinIc ami eluclni; of an unununlly lino
quality. It wan just urowiiiK dark; a
lamp ulioiui out from a window, over
which thu blind wan not yet drawn,
mid wn coulil plainly ceo a man Minted
at tho piano, nml h girl, nllKht nml
Hinall of ilKiiro, HtuntlliiK with hor hand
on hln dhouldor. Klio enni; in n voice
clear nml ewoot as n blrd'n, n nong than
much In vokuo, called "I'.liren on thu
til I nu. " An wo panned tlio noun enileil,
mid tho pluyor turned; we Haw hinfaru,
nnd each oxclnlincil to tlio other, "Why,
H'h I'riinkl" Ho here dwelt tlio reimon
of IiIh Indlfforonco to Ixul8u'a beauty
nml pad urncol
"Oh, what would liia father nay, if
be knew I" exclaimed Lottlro, In alarm.
"I don't think wo'll toll him,"
said I.
I wan Hint night moro cb corf ul and
linpuful than I had beon elnro my coin
ini! to Tlinperley. I wna not addicted
to writing letters to tlio nowapnpurn,
but tlio proeoiico in Hint district of tho
llttlo bird of dong, that usually aug
gostod soft, clear tikloa nml scented
gruvoa, wna to extrnordlnary, nnd
peeiuod to mo ao ilolightful, that I ant
down nnd wroto n luttor concerning Hie
phenomenon to a dally paper of eomo
Importance published In tho nolghbor
Ing largo town. Tho pnpor, I know,
wna wldoly road, but I had not rock,
oned upon my lottar attracting such at
tention na It did. Tho second night
nftor I hnd written It mon and women
of nil conditions, but chiolly of tho
working class, woro Inquiring their way
through the vlllngo, or finding their
way nlong nil tho ronds and lanos to
"tho Nigbtlngnlo Clcugli," Tho small
woekly papora of raureo copied tho let
tor, and on Saturday and during tho
following wook parties enmo from long
illaUncua In 'butet nnd vans to hear the
nlghtliigiilii nlng. I went llrnl onn
night, and tliim another, mid another
to me tho crowd thus drawn together.
It wnn a ntrangii and touching npec
tnclir the men and women, thii ladn
ami Innnlen rtatnllng uuiliir thu trt'iin
down to tlm very txlgo of tlm ilincoloreil
llttln lake, and the inlnchliivotlN xyn
niuong tho liriilichen all hiinheil while
thu Ml miner twilight deepened Into
dnrk nhoul tlien, waiting patiently for
tlm iiiiw'iiii llttln bird to break forth
like a voice Irom heaven into rapturous
Hong. And when at length, after a few
timid uotiiH It poured out itn full heiirt,
I heard many n low nob mingling with
tlm KtrnliiM of thu artless music.
Whi'lher the nlghtlngiilo took alarm
at thin Invasion of Itn solitude, or
whether some mischievous Mtrnonn
frlghtemsl It, it Isiertaln that by tho
end of the week It wan heard no moro,
and the imopln wont away illsiiisilnlil
nml noisy, due of thiisn ttvenlngn I
wna returning with the crowd, when an
olil fellow wn'.kisl nlongnlduof inu, look
ing nt me hard, ami nt length speaking.
"Thou'rt parnon nn wrote th' letter
eh?"
I answered I wan.
"Ah. An' thou'rt fo' Indon oh?
A git place that wl" gardens, I've
heard any, full o' a' kinds ' birds and
beasts."
I mild I nupK)stsl Im meant tlm Zoo
logical (innlcns.
"Ah. Happen Hint's them. I'm
rnrn nml fomi o' brldn nnd Is-astn; I
in 1 1 ii go to limlon some day, and sen
them Kyardnnn. Happen I may come
across theo: I hear thou'rt leaving
Timperley."
"In a Miry few weekn," I said.
"Wei'l, now, I like then; nml I mini
come nml hear then prnich nlorn thou
giM'n. Kn, mon, I a' something here,
tho':" he prislurtil nil old pocket
IsMik, mid from onn of tho rompart
mentn he tisik a nipinrn of paste board
which Im gnvn nu "hapK'ii that may
come In handy when thou giwn back to
bunion. I found It in IjiitoIx's Ijiiiu
yond' inorn'n a year ago, nnd snya I, 'I
mini kenp thin till I go to limlon,' but
I do not think I'll ever ride in n llrst
clnnn cnrrlngu so thoud'ttt bettor tnk'
it, mon."
"What In It?" I usked.
"To Im sum," said he, '"thoo conn
M'o. It'a a llrnt clnsn ticket".
I thanked him, nml put it In my
KM'ket.
Wu were than ujion tho cottago in
which I had seen I'rnnk Stelnlmrilt
sitting nt tlm piano. Hounds of music
nnd sinning were again proceeding from
It, and I wnn not aurprhed to sen that
mmiy of those who had I wen disap
Milnted Ii) tho uightlngalo stood listen
ing in silence to the k'lrl.
When I reacheil my lodgings I took
out the old lei low's singular llttln pres
ent. It wan the "return" half ol a Hint
t'lani railway ticket from lmdon Iltidge
to Croydon. It was tolerably clean ; It
must havu ln-en throw n nwny or dropsd,
tmou after it was issiutl, nnd plckisl up
roon after it wnn thrown nwny. A sus
picion which hnd begun to creep upon
inn when llrst I looked nt it shot up
with HtiirtllugMiihlcnnusnwhoii I turned
it over mid rend thu date stamped on
Untile "Mar In SL."
Thin ticket had been found by tlm old
man ill Ijicmix 1-ano: had thu person
who hnd lost or iliopptxl It there been
thu Milne as the peisml wiin hnd Imtight
it in Uindon'' If he bad, bad ho been
a resident in Timperley? In n word
hail thu xtoii been Mr. IjutoIx? It
wan Impossible to sny, until nfter such
inquiry ii4 I snw littlo chance of licing
able to niiike; for though visitors to
TimHrley seldom parsed nlong thu I ji
croix Ijme they somutimea did. I
might, however, dln-mer from Ixiuiso
whether her father hnd had any connec
tion with Croydon.
I met her next day at Jacques's, cot
tage (I had utmost given up my visits
to Timperley Hull). After again nnsw
ering in thu negative her constant
question nn to news from Freeman, I
began my attempt to gut nt this olnt
concerning tlio ticket. I wished to
nvulil raining in her undue Niispiclon.
"Do you still wish," 1 asked, "to go
to London yourself?"
"1 do," said sho; "but I tako your
advice, and wait."
"If you went," I continued, "whero
would you stiiy? llavo you any frienda
in 1indon?"
"I hoHd," enid she, shyly, "you
would toll mo somewhere to go."
"You have, then," snid I, "no
frienda about Ixmdon, or anywhere
round? It is not necessary, you know,
Hint you should live in I-oiidon to fol
low up Inquiries."
"Well," xaitl ehc, "I know two or
three girls living In London who wero
nt school with mu In Croydon, but I
think I could not nsk them."
Imagine how my heart leaped! I
was afraid I showed my emotion in my
look and tone. I quickly urged another
question.
"Croydon la not far from London:
might not your old school mistress take
you in?"
"I did not think of Hint," said sho;
"I was thero for only a year, after I
loft school in 1'nris. I had only boon
homo three mouths when father wont
way."
I had learned moro than I could havo
anticipated. Hero, surely, nt length
wna tho strongest presumptive, If not
direct, evidence that Mr. Ijicroix, nml
not another, had droppod tho ticket,
nnd therefore that he hnd come homo.
I Imagined him traveling from London
Ilrldgu to Croydon to pay, perhaps, his
daughter's school bill, nnd returning n
different wny, although ho hnd taken n
return ticket to London ltrldge. Tills
struck mo na ngreolng with all I hnd
hoard of Mr. Lncroix ciuoIofs of
money, nnd without much steady con
sUtetit pnrpoto. How easily such a
inuu must hnvo becomo subject to the
resolute Stolnhnrdt!
It occurred to mo Hint It would not
bo Impossible to loarn from tho Croy
don school mistress whothor Mr. La
croix had cnllod on her. With n fow
questions ns to tlio size, situation nnd
character of tho school, I learned tho
nnmo nml address of tho school mis
tress; and ns soon ns Ioturned to my
lodgings I wrote to her. On tho second
morning alter I received her reply.
which I Irins'irtsl nlong wllh tlm rail
way ticket nn Invnluablo evidence a
polite note, presen'.lng compliments
nml begging to Inform that on referring
to her liookn and lior diary, she found
Hint Mr. Ijterlox hnd called nml pnld a
term's charges for bin daughter's "fin
ishing" education, on Wi'diieday,
March the lllteenth, eighteen hundred
and eighty-two.
CIIAITKU IX.
Tlm end (if my six Months' curacy
wnn almost nt band, hut, since my re
cent discovery, I was resolved I would
still remain nt least In Him neighbor
hood of TluiH'rlny. I went first to thu
rector, who was not yet well enough to
ritsiium hi- duties, III thu hoxi Hint I
might prevail upon hint li let tun con
tinue to fill his plain for somu Hum
longer. I wnn surprised, and somewhat
piqued, to hear that It was entirely out
of tlm question, Imhiiiish another curate
had already been engaged.
"A young man from Ht. lino's," said
tlm rector. "Mr. Ktiilnhardt says wn
must liavn no morn clever men In Tim
perley. I would have liked you very
well lo stay, but you know you seo It
c.in't be. If I can tlo anything for
you"
I said, since I could not stay In Tlm
lirley, I wlthed lo get a curacy somo
whertt In thu neighborhood. Thu rec
tor looked at um in n wny which mndo
mo doubt whether Iliad been wlsu to
tell him my deslru. However, ho
answered he would see what lit) could
tlo.
Ktalnhnrdt, it wnn evident, expected
mu to go nwny, back to the south prob
ably, slncu I disliked TifiitKirlcy so
much; but I metaphorically shook my
Croydon evidence at him and more ob
stinately resolved not lo go nwny.
Then) happened ut that time to ho sev
eral curacies vacant in tit'lglilKiring
parishes or districts; I applied tlrst for 1
one with thu result nfter somu time of
having my nppllcnti"ii declined, nnd j
then for nnother, with thu dime result.
I wun ilisnps)intid nnd puzzled, I know
I hnd been reckoned successful in Tlin
perley, mid I could not itudcrstmid tho
coldness anil retitenco of tho replies II
received. Hut I wnn soon startled into !
the M'rceptlon of their cause.
I mi hi and I bad got into thu habit
of meeting frequently (an I have already i
hinted) nt thu cottage ol old Jacques:!
wo were still waiting for news from'
King's Cross, nnd wn did not know '
whether thu letter wan loin) sent to mo, .
or to Keemnn, or to Miss Ijicroix.
liulsu mat inn oito morning in grant
alarm and hurriedly told mo thu ex-
peeled letter had come, but nddresscd
to Mr. l-ncroix that Meinhardt there-'
fore hnd ocned it, naturally cxis'i ting'
to find it ii business communication! ,
IIu brought It to her, nnd nskud if sho
know what it meant. She rend it;, it!
wnn short, nml to tins ellect: I lie
guard who had had charge of thu S
o'clock express on theeveningof March
the Kith, 1882, had been found and in
terrogated; liu could not remember
nnyonu answering to thu description of
thu missing gentleman. IIu might or
might not have Unvoted by that train,
b t It really seemed linpo-sihlu to as
certain nt Hint distance of time.
(To m romlttue.l)
Few Jipancic In America.
There aro comparatively few Japan
ese In the I'nittil States. Thero uro hut
100 in Chicago, nnd ninny of them are
students in vnrioun schools. Several
merchants mid foreign representatives
are here, whilu from Olio to n dozen
Japanese business men pass though
Chicago ovary tl.iv. There is no disposi
tion on the part of the Jnps to emigrate
to thu Cnited States ns tlm Chinese do.
Chicago Chronicle.
Wendell Philips' Warning.
Wendell Philips nucu said that unless
our next step in progress, as n nation,
was In u spiritual direction. Hint boy
wns now living who would writu tlio
downhill of thu American republic, ns
(iihliou wroto that of thu ltomnn
empire.
Wo nro not inquiring for Hint boy
now, but for one who will make that
history impossible.
Fallen From High r.itate.
A former chief of tho Cnited States
signal service, ex-professor of mathe
matics nt tho University of I'ekm,
China, and but recent president of tho
University of Washington, now baa tho
position of a roller of logs at l'ort
lllakoly, Wash., at f 1 .50 a ilay. Toll
tics nnd sickness are said to bo respon
sible for his fall from high position.
Lilt Fate Wane Thin the First.
Smith 1'oor Wederly is having a
lir.nl timo of it. Ills tlrst wife got a
divorce from him, you know.
Jones Yes; end ho hts btd c hr.rd
time pitying her alimony, 1 suppose.
Smith Worso than that. She is his
present wife's dressmaker. Chicago
News.
Crime Not Profitable
Joo King, nged 28, who has
spent 12 years in jail, writes to tho
Annniosa, la., l'rlson Pros Hint crimo
Is not prolltunle. The articles ho stolo
bud n value of fu7. and in Ids 12 years
of imprisonment ho could havo made
f 10,800 ut the trade of a printer.
History of American Cltlct.
American cities nio built to ba
burned. Tliolr histories read some
thing like Hits: Flourishing, public
library, handsome chinches, blocks o'.
stores, now coii'thotiso, llrst clnsa
hotels; destroyed by tire; loss, mil
lions.
Germtn Tariff On Sewing Machines.
Ciorniany's now tariff on sowing ma
chines, which varies from v" to (0,
will probably reduce the value of rui
export machines to tlut country about
,000,000 u year. Uist jear wo bold
(iomtiny tl, 125,000 worth.
Illjlt Price lor a 'Cello.
A record price for a Strndivnrius
'collo Is reported from lior) In. ' It Is
stated Hint 1'Iattl's 'i olio by Strtidivn
rlus litis been bought for (20,000 by a
bunker, who is a grond-nophew of Men
delssohn. Long Range In England.
Artillery can lira 7,000 yards on Pal
isbury rialn entiroly over war olllcu
land. This Is by fr.r tlio longest rr.uge
in the British Isles,
HAND8 OF GREAT PIAHI8T8.
Tlier Need MtmciilHr llevtliipmen
All tlm I'iiiucm.
Tlio hnnds of celebrated pianists af
ford a very Interesting study to most
people, but especially to tliosn who
know something about pianoforte play
ing. Hpeaklng III u general wny, wo
mny group tho hnnds or pianists Into
two classes, (n) thu broad hand with
short lingers; (b) thu narrow hand with
long lingers. Von Ilulow's and Tnuslg's
hnnds would conic under thu heading
of class A. Ill fact, Tnuslg's hnnds
were so small that ho was unable to
piny octaves correctly. Tho higher
note usually followed the lower Instead
of both being struck simultaneously.
Thu hnnds of Lls.t nml Mark Haiti'
hourg belong to class II. 'J'hosu who
are acquainted with Liszt's arrange
ments of Iteethoveli's and Ilerlloz's
symphonies know tlmt he expanded tlio
chords to dimensions which for tho
majority of players are absolutely Im
possible, yet Liszt could play them
with ease.
Murk llninboiirg Is the possessor of
wonderful pianoforte technique. Kacli
day he commence work with San
tlow's exercises and then practices on
tho pianoforte for four or live hours,
lie bus never Indulged In what arc
called "linger gymnastics," neither has
ho used a illglturluin or teclinlcoii.
How few people who listen to tbo
performances of n celebrated plnnlst or
violinist realize the amount of hard
work ho lias had to do In order to over
coma all the technical illlllcultles of his
Instrument. Years of dally grind are
absolutely necessary for getting the
lingers Into a condition of complete
obedience to the will. Schumann In
trying to Improve his technique becamo
Impatient and overworked his lingers,
with tho result Hint he had to aban
don pianoforte playing.
Von Ilulow used to say that three
things aro necessary for a good pian
ist; "The llrst, technique; the second,
tehcnlqiie, and tlio third, technique."
Possibly this was snld so us to Impress
upon the beginner that Intellect and
emotion were of no use utiless he had
the means of expressing them In a flu
ent way on the pianoforte.
In the present day considerable mus
cular power is required In pianoforte
playing. To some extent this Is owing
to the fact that each note when struck
possesses a certain resistance, but tbe
resistance Is not equal throughout tbe
keyboard. The bass notes offer more
resistance to tbe lingers than the treble
and consequently more attention
should be paid to the strengthening of
the muscles of the left hand.
The pianist's hands can be developed
at the Instrument or away from It. If
away from the pianoforte then "linger
gymnastics" may be used or an appara
tus called the "tcchnlcon." "Finger
gymnastics" are exercises which can
be practiced evidently at any time or
In any place, for you find people even
In street cars and trains Indulging In
the exercise of their Qngcr Joints and
looking anything but sane In their
efforts to rival 1'adercwskl In feats of
digital strength.
ADULTERATION OF FOOD.
Dome Till nun Unit Are Uneil by Dia
bolical .Manufacturer,,.
The Senate Committee, on Manufac
tures recently caused an Investigation
by the Department of Agriculture on
the subject of adulteration of articles
of food and that report belug mada
has caused surprise to every one be
cause of the extent to which all arti
cles of food are more or less tampered
with.
Adulterntlon does not necessarily
mean that food Is rendered less
healthy. In ninny cases tbe adulterated
food Is as wholesome as would be tbe
pure article, but the fraud practiced on
the consumer is In selling nt the price
demanded for one food product a sub
stitute that Is cheaper and not desired
by tho purchaser.
It will be surprising to learn that
soap Is frequently used as an adulter
ant for distilled liquors. It Is added In
vnrv small amounts to nroduco a
"bead." Glucose plays nn Important
part as an adultcraut tor many arti
cles of food. It Is frequently used In
wine, for fruit sirups, In connection
with whole preserved fruits and with
jams nnd mnnmiladc.
Lemon extract Is sold that has no oil
of lemon In it. Mustard Is made of a
score of things that never laid claim
to tbe name of mustard until they bad
been boxed ready for sale. Clay has
been found Hi some samples of mus
tard, but not frequently. Of 102 saui
nles of tienner examined by tho Con
necticut experiment station thirty-two
contained no pepper nt an. it has
been shown, snys tho Washington
Star, that cottonseed oil Is extensively
used for lard, olive oil and cheese.
Tho extensive substitution of oleomar
garine for butter Is well known. Tbo
Pennsylvania department of agricul
ture In 1,777 samples found 1,0X1 to
contain oleomargarine.
Hbo Hxplalnril tho Meaning
One of the easiest ways for a law
yer to confuse a witness Is to make him
explain the meaning of n word. Few
people can dellne n word satisfactorily,
even If they know Its meaning. A West
ern lawyer was cross-examining a
young woman who had a very haughty
temper. According to the Los Angeles
Herald, she had testified that sho had
seen the defendant "shy" a book nt the
plaintiff.
"ShyV 'Shy' n book? What do you
mean by that? Will you explain to the
court what the word 'shy' means?"
The girl leaned over the dest; beneath
tbo witness-box, picked up u law book,
and threw It so accurately nml so forc
ibly nt the lawyer that ho had hard
work to dodgo It.
"I think the court now understands
tbo menulng of tho word 'shy,' " said
tho Judge, gravely. Tho girl wns ul
lowed to finish her testimony.
A. Promise Willi Limitations.
"Charley, dear," snld young Mrs.
Torklus, "I wnut you to promlso that
you will not lose any moro inouey ou
horse ruces."
"I won't bet a cent."
"Now, that's Just sheer contrariness.
You know If you don't bet you can't
wlu." Wushlngtou Slur.
What bright things wo all think of
when tho opportunity Is past for say
ing them I
LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKE8 FROM THE PENS OF VA
niOUS HUMORI8T8.
Pleasant lucldeiits Occnrrlna the
Worltl Over-HajrlnKn tlmt Are Cheer
ful to Old or Yotinsc Kunny Selec
tions that Tou Will I'.tijo.
In the course of nu object lpston on
thu "Cut" In a l'hllad"lphhi public
school the teacher trying to find out
what her pupils remembered of the pre
vious lemon, nsked this question:
"What boy enn It'll me to what fam
ily the cat belongs'"
After questioning eight or ten loys,
she wns giving up In despair, when n
hand wns raised.
"Well," asked Iho teacher.
"I think the cat belongs to the fnmlly
Hint owns II." wns the diminutive pu
pil's answer. Philadelphia Times.
No Time to Make Knemle.
"Has she many friends In society?"
"Yes, quite n numlicr. She only came
out two years ngo."
Nntnrnllr.
"She's aw fully stink ui "
"Naturally. Iter fnihiT made all his
money as a bill potter."
New Klmt of Trouble,
"Wealthy. Is he? Why. the last time
I saw lilm be had trouble keeping the
wolf from the door."
"Well, now he has trouble keeping his
poor relations from the porte cochere."
Catholic Standard ajid Times.
Quite KilKll.li.
Aunt Debby (viewing the city) What
does that sIkii "Mlstlt Store" mean?
Uncle Abner (a close observer)!
s'pose that's where these 'ere anslcr
manlacs sets measured for clothes so
folks'U think they was made in Loudon.
New York Weekly.
Saved hy the Signal Service.
I.onglelgh Then you didn't proiHwe
to Miss Cotrox after all?
Shortlelgh No. My knowledge of tbe
signal service code saved me from mak
ing a fool of myself.
IXMiclelgh Well, put me on.
ShortlelRh Just ns I was about to
commit myself she hoisted the cold
wave Hag. Chicago News.
Met IIU Match.
Ituinpus Xlzznzo, the wild animal
tamer, has met his match nt last.
McSmlth You don't say! How did It
happen?
Iiumpus He has married a "new wo
mau." Doubtful Compliment.
Mrs. Newed Just think of It, dear. I
made every bit of this cake with my
own bands.
Newed Is It possible! I never sus
pected there was so much strength In
those fair soft hands.
Of Course Not.
"My wife doesu't seem to be progres
sing, doctor," remarked the anxious
husband.
"No," answered the pbys'clan; "when
she gains a little strength she uses it
1 all up trying to tell her friends what's
i the matter with her." Philadelphia
I Itecord.
Sure to He a Flulit.
I Teacher Suppose there were four
boys going skating, and they only had
two pairs of skntes, how many boys
wouiu nave to iook on t
Ilobby-Tbe two that got licked!
A Good Sign.
Mistress of the House Bridget, do
you think Hint policeman who calls
here so often means business?
Hrldget Yls, mum; I think he do. lie
!s begun to complain about my cooklu'
already.
Success to the Seaaou.
Itov. Mr. Uassaway What did you
think of my sermon?
Sntippe Most appropriate sermon for
Lent I over heard. Thero wasn't any
meat In It. Philadelphia Press.
Prneress.
Ills Friend Aro you writing a histo
rical novel?
The Uterary Cuss Don't say a word.
I'm writing a prehlstorleal novel 1
Puck.
The Mean Man.
Mrs. Scrnpplugton If somebody
should threaten to abduct me and hold
me for n ransom, what would you do?
Mr. Scriipplngton Laugh like thun
der. April Smart Set.
Friendly Advice.
Maude What! You don't mean to
say Hint you uro, going to tho faucy
dress ball In tho character of "Night?"
Clara Yes; what of It?
Maude Oh, It's all right, of course,
only It will bo another cuso of making
night hideous.
A Matter of Contrast.
"Give an exiimplo of bow heat ex
pands and cold contracts."
"In tho summer tbo days aro long;
In tbo winter they aro short." Judge.
The llend of the llntmclinlil,
"Of course," snld tho bachelor,
thoughtfully, "thero call bo no such
thing as Joint ruin In a family. Homo
one must be Iho bend."
"True, but the scepter passes from
one to nnother."
"How?"
"Well, tit the beginning of mnrrletl
life Hie hushntiil holds It; then It gently
nnd unobtrusively passes to tho wife.
and bo never Rets It bnck again."
"Sho keeps It forever?"
"Oh. no; tho baby gets It next,"
Chicago Post.
The Muixlc of Time.
'What a lot of rubblshl Utterly
worthless, I should sny."
'Now, of course. Hut I shall leave
It to my son, and ho to bis son. In tho
day of my grandson It will bo brlc-a-
brae!"
And tbo Junkman shrugged tho shrug
that Is the bridge of all his race Puck.
At the Chili.
"Itoundcr has written a rather clever
little book, 'Don'ts for Club Men.' "
"Huh! the don'ts don't worry me half
ns much as tbo duett." Philadelphia
Press.
III. Plea.
"Vat? Do you mean to chargo me $2
a visit?"
"That Is my regular rate to every
one."
"Ynse, but I Introduced der disease
Into der neighborhood!" Life.
(in a I.nreer Scale.
"It's lust horrid. Uertle. to think of
living In a Mat after we are married."
"You don't love me when you talk
that way."
"Oil, yes, I do, but not on a small
scale." Life.
Woes of the Weatherman' Wife.
"Oh, mamma," cried the bride of the
weatherman, "I think George Is a
brute!"
"Why, daughter!" ga-sped the mother.
"What on earth makes you say that?"
"He knows that 1 am planning for my
spring dresses, and nil the time he per
sists In predicting snow and cold
waves!"
Here she pointed n wrathful flnger at
the thermometer, which registered 4C
degrees below organdie. Baltimore
American.
A Wny Out of a Dlfllcnltr.
"Your uncle was a very eccentric
man. He stipulated In his will that
$100 should be bnrled with him?"
'AH right, make out a Check for that
amount."
Wide.
"You say Miss Plnkerton Is nccom
pllshed."
"Why, I never met a more ncconv
pllshed girl. She knew just a little
about every subject I Introduced. De
troit Free Press.
Not That Kind.
Clerk Here Is some delicious cough
candy.
Miss Wlselelgh But I haven't a de
licious cough.
Repartee.
Pat What's repartee?
Mike It's whin a feller sez right oft
the nnswer be doesn't think av 111 to
morrow inarnln'. New York Sun.
A Favor to tbe Public.
"We have called," said tho head of
the deputation of citizens, "to protest
against the street car service you are
giving us. Why, some of us cannot
even get a strap to hang on by."
"Very well, gentlemen. 1 shall at
once Increase the service," Bald the af
fable magnnte, while tho hearts of tho
deputation leaped with Joy, "by put
ting In more straps." Baltimore Amer
ican. Overdolne the Thine.
Tomson Can you recommend to me
ii Urst-rate bookkeeper?
Bllton Why, I thought you had a
perfect Jewel.
Tomsou Yes, but now I am suspi
cious of lilm; bo attends too closely to
bis duties and refuses to take a vaca
tion. Town Topics.
Iteward Seekers.
"Somo people," said Uncle Eben, "Is
so drefful business-like tint while dcy
looks foh a reward In de nex worl'
dcy's mighty skeery foh fear deal do
any mo' dan what's necessary to earn
It." Washington Star.
The lllTcctlvc Wink.
"Look here!" said the mystltled po
liceman, "why are you winking ut me?
I havo noticed It for tho last Ave uilu
utes." "I thought I'd like to be protected
while I was In this big town," replied
tho old man with the chin whiskers.
"My nephew that keeps a saloon In
town somewhnr wroto mo word that
he Just has to wink his eye at the po
lice an' he gets nil the protection be
wants." Chicago Nows.
When Courtesy Failed.
Senator-elect McCreary, of Kentucky,
was lu Washington a few days ago
calling upon his old frlpnds In Congress
whom be knew when bo represented his
Stnto lu tho House.
"McCreary was a flno campaigner,"
said a Kentuekylau. "When he went
tho rounds of his district he kissed all
tho babies, praised the cooking of tbe
housewives, judged tbo cattle of tho
farmers and adapted himself to all cir
cumstances. One night he drove up to
tho house of a farmer to stop all night,
but arrived after tbe supper hour. Tho
good woman of the house Insisted on
getting hi in a supper, but he resisted
ami said ho would tako anything cold
that Bho had.
"Sho told him she had some cold bam
and cold biscuits and would warm the
coffee.
"'Never mind warming the coffee,
madam,' said McCreary, 'I prefer It
cold.' Next morning at breakfast the
good lady banded lilm a cup of sickly
looking liquid, saying, 'Governor, you
seemed to enjoy the cold coffeo so much
I saved somo for your breakfast'"
Washington Star.
HE QOT THE LOAN,
It W. Dae to tbe Charm ot IIU ItaV
hit' Foot.
"Seo that fellow'i rabbit foot htmj.
Ing on Ida watch chain?"
A department clerk directed thu t
tentlon of his friend to tlio bit ot fur lu
question, which was possessed by a fellow-clerk.
"Ho wouldn't take hundreds of dol
lars for It," continued the first speaker.
"When tho ruces come lu the spring
nnd again In tho fall that fellow takes)
the rabbit's foot nnd goes for the track
to make a 'killing.' lie usually suc
ceeds, too,
"Hut ho mado the best use of It the
other day nnd the whole department Is
talking about It. Despite the rabbit's
foot the owner thereof Is seldom
blessed with moro coin thnn he can con
veniently spend, and as n mnttcr of
fact nbout tho Sth nnd SOtb of each
month ho Is almost ns poor as Job's
turkey. Ho usually Indites an appeal
ing cplstlo to tho disbursing oRlcct,
Tlmt otllclnl has by this time become
pretty familiar with the handwriting
nnd each time a messenger bands In an
envelope addressed with the familiar
cblrography tho man of money knows
Just about what Is wanted of hint.
"Last month tlio dlsburscr declared
to his supplicant that It wan the Inst
time be could let him have any money,
explaining that In a great many cases
It had been a personal loan, tie thought
the fellow should pull himself together
and save enough to Ude him over the
fateful fifteen-day period between
ghost-walking times.
"Nothing daunted, however, the rab
bit foot man applied tbe 0th of this
mouth for a loan. Tbe disbursing offi
cer recognized the 'touching' handwrit
ing on Hie envelope and sent the mes
sage back unopened. Ho simply In
dorsed Uie letter with tbe letters 'N.
D.' In one corner, which tbn disappoint
ed clerk Immediately Interpreted to
mean 'nothing doing.'
"Still the clerk was not defeated. IIo
sat thinking what he could do to get
tho much-needed money, by what
means he could coax It from the Iron
bands of the disbursing ofllccr. Ills
eyes brightened with a new thought
after a short while.
"A few minutes later the disbursing
officer was confronted by a messenger
being a bulky envelope. lie again rec
ognized the handwriting, but his curi
osity was aroused by the bulklness of
the missive, and be began to think that
perhaps he had wronged his friend the
'toucher,' and that tho latter was per
haps sending him a gift In token of bis
appreciation of past favors. Tbe dis
bursing oftlcer took tbe envelope and
tore It open. Out fell that lucky rab
bit's foot and with It a note that would
melt a heart of stone.
"Tbe clerk got tbe loan and the rab
bit's foot back. We are all wonder
ing," concluded the department clerk,
according to the Washington Star,
"what he Is going to do the next time."
SCIENCE AVAILED HIM NOT.
When the Farmer Started for Ulm
There Waa Bometblns Lacking.
"There wns a time In my life," sold a
Detrolter tbe other evening, as the sub
ject ot puglllslm was being discussed,
"when I rather expected to take and
retain the heavy-weight championship
against all comers. I was selling sew
ing machines In Indiana, having a
horse and wagon and calling at the dif
ferent farmhouses, and on several oc
casions I had to take 'sass' from farm
ers. After one ot them bad flung me
over tbe fence and a second bad rnn
me out of his gate I made up my mind
to learn a thing or two about boxing.
I was at the home otllce all winter and
I took twenty-four lessons from a 'pug'
who knew bis business. At tbe end of
tho term I could slam him all over the
shop and be assured me that I could
lick threo sturdy farmers rolled Into
one and not half try,
"When I started out In the spring I
had my hat on my ear, and I made a
bee-line for the bouse of the farmer
who had run me out In the fall. I
calmly calculated to pick another fuss
with him and knock his head off, lie
happened to be working about the yard
as I drove up and as soon as he recog
nized me he called out:
" 'Didn't I tell you never to come here
again? If you step foot on my land
you'll get the boot!'
" 'You can't give It to me,' I said as
I got down.
"Don't give me no sass!'
"'And you come out here and get
your head busted!'
"He came," sighed the ex-agent "I
had driven eleven miles to lick him, and
I felt sure I could put him to sleep In
one round, but something happened
something I bad not counted on.
" 'Did ho havo sons or a hired man
who Interfered?'
"No, sir. It was simply that I sud
denly discovered I hadn't the grit of a
grasshopper. Tho minute the man
started for me with pounded glass In
bis eyes nnd his fists doubled up I went
weak In tbe knees and began tochewon
my heart If he hadn't been In a hurry
I Bhould have tried to buy blm off, but
ho didn't wait for cash offers. He came
right out to me and let Oy, and within
five minutes I was tbo worst licked
man Indiana ever saw. He gave me a
thumping that laid me up for a month,
and tbe only blow I got In simply
knocked bis bat off. I was taller and
heavier than he was, nnd with my sci
ence I ought to have put him to sleep
with the llrst swing, but I came out as
I havo told you,
"That ended my pugilistic career as
well as my agency, I den't say I
wouldn't tight If a man spat on my
shoes or pulled my nose," concluded tho
Detrolter, according to the Detroit
Freo Press, "but you can take It that I
doto on peace, and am not around look
ing for hornets' nests."
Worso Air Htm.
That was a thrilling performance
where tbe man threw knives at the
girl, wasn't It?"
"Thrilling? Say, It was tamo com
pared to tbe way my wife looked dag
gers at me when I got homo." Phila
delphia Bulletin.
When a man Is compelled to work all
day, and then sit up with sick folks. It
knocks blm. A woman can do It. but
a man can't
Kin and good advice: twin evils with
rum uud love.