4A | WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 28, 2019 | COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL
Cottage Grove Sentinel
116 N. Sixth St.
Cottage Grove, Ore. 97424
NED HICKSON , MANAGING EDITOR |
Opinion
541-902-3520 | NHICKSON @ CGSENTINEL . COM
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Laws of physics don’t apply to our family’s laundry basket
My wife and I have
been trying to come
up with an explanation
for the volume of dirty
clothes that accumulates
in our laundry basket
on a daily basis.
In an attempt to ex-
plain this phenomenon
by utilizing mathematic
principles, we went
through the laundry,
separated the clothes,
subtracted how many
days since the basket
was empty, and then di-
vided it by the number
of children in our home
— which lead to an
important discovery:
We had become
trapped in the bath-
room after our pile of
clothes fell against the
door.
While it’s true we
have four children be-
tween us, according to
my calculations they are
changing their clothes
every 18 minutes.
This includes through
the night, when they
apparently take turns
changing each other
while sleeping in shifts.
This would explain
how they can have a
clothes that don’t actu-
ally make it home from
school until the end
of the year, when they
magically re-appear in
the closet two sizes too
small.
Even though they are
homo sapiens capable
of walking in an upright
position, we have to
assume, judging from
On Th e Lighter Side
By Ned Hickson
closet full of clothes
at bedtime, then wake
up and have nothing
to wear. It would also
explain why their bed
sheets are always un-
tucked and strewn on
the floor by morning;
they are using the sheets
to drag each other’s
sleeping bodies back
and forth to the closet.
Also included in our
mathematical equation
was the “X” quotient,
which represents
their pants, our chil-
dren spend most of the
day on their hands and
knees trapping moles.
As a result, we
discussed the idea of
getting ahead of the
curve by purchasing
new pants, and then
immediately cutting the
knees out. This would
effectively eliminate
90 percent of the grass
stains from our laundry
while, at the same time,
providing our children
with knee calluses the
size of Egg McMuffins.
We decided against
this because we realized
our children would be
missing an important
lesson about taking care
of their clothes.
We also realized we
really needed to stop
and eat because the
phrase “Egg McMuffin
knee calluses” made us
salivate.
What we eventual-
ly decided on was a
responsibility checklist
for each of our children.
This list is designed to
encourage them to take
care of their clothes as
well as themselves.
Naturally, there is a
reward system involved
for completing this
checklist each day, such
as reward option 1: Not
having to go to school
naked.
I will let you know if
our plan is successful.
As soon as we get out
of the bathroom.
HOW TO CONTACT YOUR REPS
Oregon state
representatives
Oregon federal
representatives
• Sen. Floyd Prozanski
• Rep. Peter DeFazio
District 4 State Senator
PO Box 11511
Eugene, Ore. 97440
Phone: 541-342-2447
Email : sen.fl oydprozanski@
state.or.us
(House of Representatives)
405 East 8th Ave.
#2030
Eugene, Ore. 97401
Email: defazio.house.gov/
contact/email-peter
Phone: 541-465-6732
• Rep. Cedric Hayden
Republican District 7 State
Representative
900 Court St. NE
Salem, Ore. 97301
Phone: 503-986-1407
Website: www.leg.state.or.
us/hayden
Email: rep.cedrichayden@
state.or.us
• Sen. Ron Wyden
405 East 8th Ave., Suite
2020
Eugene, Ore. 97401
Email: wyden.senate.gov
Phone: (541) 431-0229
• Sen. Jeff Merkley
Email: merkley.senate.gov
Phone: 541-465-6750
S entinel
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