Cottage Grove sentinel., April 24, 2019, Page 6A, Image 6

6A | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24, 2019 | COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL
Series
from A1
because I believe thru my ac-
tions, along with my prayers,
that God will provide. But I
just wish things would get bet-
ter, back on track, or at least be
able to see some sort of light at
the end of the tunnel...”
No one but Aaron knows
what exactly transpired that
night. A few things are known:
His fiancé had just given her
ring back. His room reeked of
alcohol. He paused a game he
was playing on his Xbox. He
sent a text to his fiancé saying,
“tell my kids I love them and
that I’m sorry.”
By the time she got the mes-
sage, it was too late.
She and her kids are not
alone. Between 7,000 and
12,000 children lose a parent
to suicide each year in the
United States.
Becoming a father,
battling his demons
Ashley and Aaron met in
high school and were togeth-
er two years, when Ashley got
pregnant at 17. The two mar-
ried in 2006 with their two-
month-old daughter, Cora, by
their side. Aaron graduated
from high school in 2007.
It wasn’t until they moved
in together that Ashley rec-
ognized the gravity of Aaron’s
issues. His intense mental and
physical problems, coupled
with a rough childhood, was
a formula for depression. Aar-
on was moody with a “mean
streak.” He was epileptic and
often forgot to take his med-
ication, which caused serious
seizures and severe insomnia.
The older he got, the more
his conditions worsened. They
were together for nine years,
but the last four were really
tough, Ashley said.
Still, they worked at it and
welcomed a baby boy, Gabe, in
2010. Aaron would go to ther-
apy but wouldn’t stick with it.
Their relationship became in-
creasingly unhealthy and they
separated in 2011.
This was the first time Aar-
on attempted suicide. After a
week-long stay in an institu-
tion, he began taking antide-
pressants and was instructed
to see a therapist. Following
doctor’s orders, things seemed
to get a bit sunnier. The couple
got back together, but when he
stopped going to therapy; he
was noticeably in decline. A
couple months later, they were
back to square one.
“He wanted to do good, but
there was something going on
in him where he just couldn’t
get it together,” she said. She
left again in 2012, for good
this time.
In the years following, he
drank heavily, struggled to
keep a job, relied on the af-
fection from girlfriends and
became over-exercised, skin-
ny and pale. A couple weeks
before Aaron died, his mom
found him lying on the floor,
cigarette in his mouth, wrists
gushing.
He was belligerent when he
went into the emergency room
after this second attempt. The
nurse told them they had two
options: to check in involun-
tarily for an undetermined
amount of time or sign him-
self in for 72 hours. He took
the latter option, which was
not in his best interest.
“There were definitely
warning signs,” Ashley said.
Telling the kids
Many pleaded with Ashley
to not tell her kids the details
surrounding their father’s
death. She initially told them
their dad died from an epilep-
tic seizure — but Cora knew
better.
“I had a hunch something
wasn’t right, that he didn’t die
from a seizure,” Cora said,
now 12. “It was like my dad
was whispering it in my ear.”
Cora was already seeing
a therapist and happened to
have an appointment sched-
uled that day. Ashley was ad-
vised by Cora’s therapist that
when the truth is withheld
from the child about a par-
ent’s suicide, it sets back their
grieving process; when they
find out the truth later in life,
the child will grieve the death
a second time.
Ashley decided to break the
news to Cora in a therapy ses-
sion that day.
“I just couldn’t grasp it,”
Cora said. “It didn’t seem real.
I felt guilty; if I was there, I
could have stopped it. I prayed
for God to take all my limbs
if I could have one more con-
versation with him. I already
missed him, even though it
just happened.”
Ashley did not tell her son
that his father died by suicide
until he asked about it again a
week after his death.
“It was a hard conversation
to have with the baby, but my
therapist said that if the kids
have questions, to answer
them honestly,” Ashley said. “It
was the first time ever where I
felt like I wasn’t talking to a lit-
tle boy anymore.”
‘A different kind of grief’
Gabe, now 8, still talks
about his dad a lot. He draws
broken hearts and portraits
of himself crying. He men-
tions how his dad would have
liked a plaid shirt he sees or
would’ve enjoyed the movie
he’s watching. He sometimes
says he’s angry or sad when he
remembers his dad said they
would always be together.
Cora has had nightmares in
which her dad announces he
is leaving them, and she fol-
lows him and watches him kill
himself in the woods.
“I also dreamt my dad got
an awful disease and he would
just die on us, or that he would
just literally leave us one night
and never come back,” Cora
recalls.
When Aaron died, there
was less than a month left of
school before summer break.
“Every single day I could
not focus and would literally
get sick to my stomach,” Cora
said. When school let out, “I
was at home all day and lost in
my thoughts. When I would
hold it in, I would get super
sad; when I would talk about
it, I would explode. All my
sadness turned into anger. It
overpowered everything.”
One day that summer, a
sobbing Cora stopped her
mom before leaving the house.
“I want to tell you some-
thing, but don’t want to you to
be upset,” Cora said. “I think
I’m suicidal. I want to be with
my dad.”
It was the scariest thing
Ashley had ever heard her
daughter say. “For (Cora)
to be in that much pain at
11 years old, to hear her talk
like that,” was horrifying and
heartbreaking, Ashley said.
“Suicide is such a different
kind of grief.”
Losing a parent to suicide
makes children three times
more likely to die by suicide
themselves, and also increas-
es their risk of developing a
range of major psychiatric dis-
orders, according researchers
at Johns Hopkins Children’s
Center.
Research also shows that a
child’s resilience in a support-
ing, loving environment, and
with careful attention to psy-
chiatric symptoms, can offset
a major stressor as a parent’s
suicide.
Ashley and her partner,
Shamarr, are determined to
give Cora and Gabe all the
support and help they can to
avoid becoming part of that
statistic.
But it’s not easy. Reminders
are everywhere.
“Things happen — a song
comes on, or I see or smell
something — and I get upset;
random things hit me that I
don’t see coming. It is all in
your face at one split-second,”
Cora said.
The summer her dad died,
Cora attended support groups
and went to a bereavement
camp, which helped signifi-
cantly. Ashley and Shamarr
are working to control Cora’s
“mean streak” — the same
kind of personality disposi-
tion recognized in her dad.
The kids are in therapy and
Cora is on an antidepressant.
When Aaron ended his life,
a new pain was left for his kids,
his family and his loved ones,
Ashley said. “I really believe
if he would have known how
badly it affected the kids — he
loved them the best he knew
how — if he wasn’t drunk, he
wouldn’t have done it.”
Eventually, “I forgave my
dad for what he did,” Cora
said. “Not that I can’t be mad
at him; I just forgave him, but
it took a while. Sometimes I
still get mad at him and think
about all the broken promises.
But then I remember he was
really sick ... and I feel bad for
him. It’s really mixed emotions
but mostly I just love my dad
and I wish I could see him.”
Cora remembers him fond-
ly. She remembers driving
around with him one day
when she was younger. She
wanted to color but didn’t
have paper.
“I have this notebook, but
you’re not allowed to look in
it. Color on the back pages,”
Aaron said. He told her that
notebook would be her wed-
ding gift someday.
That journal made its way
to CoraMaire after Aaron’s
suicide. Inside are 15 letters
he wrote to Cora while Ashley
was pregnant, along with po-
ems and lyrics he’d written to,
for and about her.
It is the most special thing
to her, just like she was the
most special thing to him.
If only he could’ve given
that notebook to Cora on her
wedding day.
A chance to stay
For every successful suicide,
there are 25 attempts made,
according to the American
Association of Suicidology.
If we are serious about pre-
venting suicide, we must learn
from those who have experi-
ence with suicide, according
to a report by the National
Action Alliance for Suicide
Prevention.
Adrian was 4 months old
when his father, Eli Stockman,
38, of Creswell, attempted sui-
cide.
“The people with the most
intimate information about
suicidal thoughts, feelings and
actions are those who have
lived through such experienc-
es,” the study reads. “We all
have an opportunity to learn
from those with lived experi-
ence around suicide so we can
do better in the future to fos-
ter hope and help people find
meaning and purpose in life.”
Eli grew up on the poverty
line, the second youngest of
six children. He was sexual-
ly abused at a young age, was
introverted and ridiculed, lost
his father when he was 18 —
all the while being threaded
through a string of unhealthy
relationships.
People around him didn’t
understand why it took so
much for him to be happy,
why it was so hard for him to
find peace. He was treating
himself poorly and allowed
others to do the same to him.
“I wasn’t setting boundaries
with people, and then all of a
sudden would be done with
them,” he said. He remembers
having nightmares about be-
ing stuck in a car seat in the
back of a vehicle, with every-
one else in his life behind the
wheel.
“I finally hit a point where
it was so stressful,” Eli said. “I
hit enough walls that I kind
of lost my mind for a bit. The
medication I was on didn’t
help, I ignored my doctor’s or-
ders,” he said, and he turned to
substance abuse for relief.
“In a matter of two months,
I managed to alienate 99 per-
cent of the people that I love,”
he said. His life continued to
crumble.
Four months after Adrian
was born, his wife moved out;
five days after she left, at age
34, Eli attempted suicide.
“All I could think about was
a way out,” he said. “It wasn’t
personal against anyone I
knew. I felt awful about it,
especially having a new baby.
That is horrible. I would never
want to do that to (my son),
but the desire to do it was so
strong.”
He began taking his antide-
pressants, one by one, chasing
them down with alcohol.
“All I know is that I hadn’t
felt a greater sense of peace
knowing that I had finally
made the decision to let this
all go … at first,” he said. “I
just felt like it was the right
thing to do. I thought, ‘My son
will be better off without me.
All I’m going to do is disap-
point him. I’m just going to be
one of those dads.’ ”
About 20 pills later, he was
laying on the floor in his living
room, lights dimming, ready
to pass out.
But in a flicker of a mo-
ment, before it was too late, he
realized he still had a choice.
“I stopped for a second ... I
knew my dad was there with
me,” Eli remembered. “And he
said to me, ‘I understand why
you’re doing what you’re do-
ing, but it’s not any easier on
this side, and it’s going to be
a lot more fun watching your
little boy grow up.’”
In the middle of his own
overdose, he mustered the
strength to make a phone call.
When the ambulance arrived,
Eli was curled up on the floor
in the living room, wrapped
up like a cocoon, in a sleeping
bag.
Barely conscious, he heard
footsteps as emergency per-
sonnel and police filed into
his home.
When he came out of his
stupor in the hospital and was
coherent enough to realize
where he was, he was upset.
Irrational, he thought about
stealing a doctor’s coat and
trying to walk out the door.
He didn’t let on that he want-
ed out because the hospital
would have kept him longer.
Eli spent 48 hours in intensive
care, followed by three days in
the mental ward.
At first, he was defensive
about his suicide attempt, he
said, “but after a while I was
like, ‘I can’t believe I did that.’”
In the midst of all his emo-
tions after his suicide attempt,
however, the desire to die got
stronger.
“But I had already made up
my mind to stay,” Eli said.
After the first attempt, it
gets that much easier to at-
tempt suicide again.
In the months after his first
attempt, Eli visited the emer-
gency room about seven times
for suicidal ideation. Accord-
ing to studies, non-fatal self-
harm is one of the most fre-
quent reasons for emergency
hospital admission and the
strongest risk factor for subse-
quent suicide.
When thoughts of suicide
would overwhelm him, he
called himself on it. “If I see
that it was getting close, I
would call for medical trans-
port,” he said. He was fighting
himself but was determined to
stay.
After all, he had a little baby
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that needed him.
Eli served as the main care-
taker for his son and a stay-at-
home dad for three years after
his attempt. It helped him
break through mental barriers
by taking care of a child and
focusing on something out-
side of himself.
“If I was just taking care
of myself, I’d just be staring
out the same mental window,
which is a bad one,” he said. “It
was really good for me, espe-
cially after all of that.”
It’s a process to find clarity,
to decide to stay. “You really
have to want it,” he said. That
determination to stay has
since been backed with more
than 300 hours of therapy in
the past four years, and end-
less conscious efforts toward
bettering both his mental and
physical health.
“[My son is] the reason I
stick around, but I also have
to figure out how to do it for
myself because you can’t put
that on someone else,” Eli said.
“I want to be here for myself. I
want to live my purpose, keep
my boundaries with people
and figure out how to be hap-
py and have a good time by
myself.”
Eli deals by “living his pur-
pose,” which for him, is being
a musician. “Everyone has
a passion, something that is
nagging at them,” he said. He’s
been playing guitar since he
was 11 and has written three
albums that he’s working on
getting published.
He would also enter dai-
ly affirmations in a journal.
Journaling “would force me to
focus on [gratitude] because I
wasn’t [grateful]; I was just fo-
cused on all the crap that was
going wrong, all of the stuff
I wanted to fix,” Eli said. He
wasn’t giving himself credit
for the things he did right, for
the things that were good in
his life.
“Gratitude is huge,” he add-
ed. “Even if it feels forced, it’s
worth forcing.”
Facing his demons also has
helped him significantly. “It’s
so painful, but so important,”
he said.
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