COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL • JUNE 13, 2018 • 11A
Want to be a better father? You need a bigger grill
S
unday morning I will
awaken to sizzle of bacon
and eggs, the aroma of
freshly brewed coff ee and
shuffl e of approaching feet as
I lay in bed quietly thinking
to myself, My God, my wife is
leaving me.
Th en I’ll remember, Wait —
it’s Father’s Day! A day when
we fathers are revered for our
wisdom, patience and, in a few
rare instances, our neckwear.
For one whole day I’ll be the
perfect father since my wife will
be handling everything for me.
She does this to help me relax
and enjoy my special day.
Th e problem is, it’s hard
to relax when, by handling
everything herself, my wife
makes it clear I could be
replaced by a dishwasher and a
few extra power cords.
Okay, that’s not entirely true.
But our son already takes
out the trash, leaving me with
“Th e Grilling of Food” as my
main contribution to the daily
operation of our family.
I have managed to keep this
duty the way most men do, by
making the task of grilling
appear as complicated and
miserable as possible, even
if it means faking a heat
stroke while grilling pre-
cooked hot dogs.
I realize there are
many new fathers who
have made themselves
indispensable
during
the
diaper-changing
phase. Just remember: your
indispensability in this area
— much like this morning’s
tightly-wrapped dooty — will
eventually disappear into the
Diaper Genie.
Th at’s when grilling even
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Mon- Th urs 11- 9 • Fri - Sat 11 - 10 • Sun 11 - 7
the simplest things, such as a
bratwurst, should be made to
look as diffi cult as possible.
To do this, you’ll need a
large grill. Th e bigger the
better. In fact, if a hibachi is
your main grilling source, go
size of an Oldsmobile.
Why?
You need a large cooking
surface so that you can
convincingly spray down
fl ames and battle for control
over a raging inferno that, if not
now, hop into your vehicle,
and accidentally back over
your hibachi several times and
replace it with something more
practical.
And, practically speaking,
we’re talking a grill roughly the
for your grilling skill, would
quickly consume everyone’s
bratwurst — and quite possibly
the county.
Unless you are highly
experienced in pyrotechnics, or
live near an open gas line, trying
Locally
Sourced
PIG
&
TURNIP
EST
2015
UNITE
from A1
CGHS
said, echoing his classmates who reminded
their fellow graduates that they had three-
to produce this same eff ect on a
hibachi is very diffi cult.
Once you have your giant
grill, you’ll need to keep a spray
bottle handy. Your wife will
assume it’s to prevent charring.
Th is is partially true.
But mostly you’ll be
using it to spray on your
face and body to appear as
though you are perspiring
when, in fact, you are
frequently supplementing
any loss of body fl uid with
liberal amounts of ice cold
beer hidden behind the
grill.
Lastly, you should
purchase a special, custom-
made spatula that is so
enormous and so heavy it
can only be wielded with two
hands. Th is will make the
grilling process appear even
more diffi cult by requiring a
fourths of their lives left —statistically —
and that memories, not mementos, were
what mattered.
Th e class of 2018 added to the school’s
graduation rate that has routinely ranked
in the top three in Lane County. Th e most
“spotter” every time you fl ip
someone’s burger.
Put all of this together —
spray bottle, giant grill, two-
handed spatula — and you’ll
have the dramatic image you
want, which is that of a sweat-
stained father staggering in
and out of the fl ames of his
grill, both hands gripped
tightly around the handle of
his 50-pound spatula as he
devoutly retrieves the evening
meal.
Sure, this may sound like
a lot of eff ort; you could fold
clothes instead.
But the eff ort is worth it
when it comes to family.
Besides, it’s really hard to
keep beer cold when it’s hidden
in the laundry.
(Write to Ned Hickson at
nhickson@cgsentinel.com)
recent data from the Oregon Department
of Education placed the district’s gradua-
tion rate at just under 77 percent and Cot-
tage Grove High School’s graduation rate
at 95.98 percent.
German
Inspired
Fo o d
Beer
Wine
Cider
COUNCIL
from A1
city’s proposal.
“On April 24, the buildings
codes division sent us a letter
that said we were part of a po-
tential investigation regarding
new emergency rules,” Stewart
told the board. According to
Stewart, who had taken class-
es to be certifi ed as a building
inspector, the new regulations
required a diff erent certifi ca-
tion for the position as well as
an electricity inspector on staff
for cities that manned their
own inspection programs.
Due to the cost of hiring an
inspector and electrician who
60 Gateway Blvd. Cottage Grove, Or 97424
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met the new requirements,
Cottage Grove offi cials reached
out to Veneta that indicated it
was interested in sharing the
cost of the two positions.
“On May 18, I got a late-night
call, followed by an email,”
Stewart said. Th e building code
divi-sion had revoked the new
regulation, replacing it with
the mandate that cities wanting
to run an internal inspection
program must have a building
inspector—certifi ed under the
same standards Stewart had
originally obtained—or con-
tract with a municipality that
employed a building inspector.
“So, we circled back around,”
Stewart said, noting that Vene-
ta still wanted to be part of the
program and that under the
guidelines from the state, three
cities are permitted to partner
to-gether.
Councilor Mike Fleck made
the motion to approve the in-
tergovernmental agreement,
citing the growing housing
crisis and the city’s inspection
program’s potential in stream-
lining the construction pro-
cess. Th e motion passed unan-
imously.
City manager Richard Mey-
ers reported last week that the
city’s new building inspection
division issued 46 building
permits and generated $43,666
in permit fees.
“Fift een of the permits re-
quired plan review and fi ve of
the permits were new single
family homes,” Meyers wrote
in the Friday Update, a news-
letter posted to the city’s web-
site every Friday. “In Creswell
45 building permits were is-
sued, fi ve of which required
plan review and three were for
new single family homes. Th e
building inspection division
performed 54 building inspec-
tions, three investigations, is-
sued one stop-work order and
had three pre-application sub-
mission meetings for Cottage
Grove.”
Fa t h e r ' s D ay We e k e n d
J u n e 1 4 - 1 7, 2 0 1 8
Gates open at 7:30 every morning
From the time we are born,
dads play an important role
in our lives straight through
adulthood. In addition to
providing a sense of love
and security, research shows
that having an involved
and supportive father
correlates with fewer
behavioral problems and
higher rates of academic
achievement in children.
As we celebrate
Father’s Day on
June 17, here’s a
look at some facts
about
fatherhood:
7
Sources: Pew Research
Center, United States
Census Bureau 2017,
Hallmark, National
Retail Federation
Hours a
Week
Th e average amount of time fathers
reported spending on child care in
2015, a number that has nearly tripled
since 1965
72.2 Million
Estimated number of
fathers in the United States
30.9 Years
Th e average age of an American father at
the birth of his fi rst biological child
1910
Th e fi rst Father’s Day
celebration was proclaimed
by the Mayor of Spokane, WA
in honor of William Smart.
Smart’s daughter Sonora
Dodd petitioned for a day to
honor fathers like her own, an
American Civil War veteran
who, as a widower, raised six
children.
1966
1972
Th e year President
Lyndon Johnson
offi cially designated
the third Sunday
in June as Father’s
Day by presidential
proclamation
Th e year President
Nixon signed a measure
making Father’s Day a
permanent holiday
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$12.7 Billion
Father’s Day spending in the United
States, with the average person
spending $115.57 on gifts
43.2%
47.1%
Th e percentage of Americans
purchasing a special outing
or meal for Father’s Day
Th e percentage of
Americans purchasing
clothing as a Father’s
Day gift
72 Million
Th e number of Father’s Day cards purchased each year
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23%
Th e percentage of children in
America who live with single
mothers in homes without a father
4%
Th e percentage of children
living with single fathers
in homes without a mother
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