COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL August 12, 2015
9A
Rotary hosts
CASA, RYLA reps
The Cottage Grove Rotary Club's
Thursday meeting featured a twin bill,
with Robben Lyons of Court Appoint-
ed Special Advocates (left) speaking
about the program, which aims to
"provide a powerful voice for abused
and neglected children in Lane
County." District Leader Mary Hoskins
of Rotary Youth Leadership Awards
spoke of a 2015 camp sponsored
by the organization, which included
leadership training, discussions and
social activities.
www.shoppelocal.biz
B LOTTER
Continued from page 5A
Aug. 6
Prowler
Caller reported a male with a white
and black striped shirt was seen in the
backyard of their home on Edison Ave.
at around 9:30 p.m. The caller requested
that a police offi cer clear the backyard.
Aug. 7
Information
A Eugene Police Department offi cer
received information from the Looking
Glass crisis line in Eugene who reported
a male between 15 and 17 called and
told the crisis worker he was being held
hostage and that his parents had sealed
the doors and windows. No one was able
to get the caller’s name, but the offi cer
contacted the subject in the lobby and re-
ported no crime.
Unlawful Entry into Motor Vehicle
Caller explained that a tool had been
taken from his company’s tow truck ear-
lier in the day. No suspect information
could be obtained.
Aug. 8
Hit-and-Run
Cottage Grove Police assisted State
Police in a hit and run incident on the
I5. 2 subjects from the same vehicle fl ed
west on foot from the scene.
Shots Fired
Caller complained of shots being fi red
from the fi eld next to his residence in the
Beaver Hill area. Offi cers responded and
checked the area and determined it was
possible they came from the Shields Rd.
area.
Aug. 9
Traffi c Hazard
Caller reported a boulder lying in the
bike lane on the north side of the road
way in front of the bowling alley on
Row River Rd. Traffi c cones were placed
around the boulder and a work order was
placed for the rock to be removed on
Monday.
Suicidal Subject
Caller reported that a woman had
made threats to harm herself, and was in
the downstairs bedroom of the residence
on Third St. The subject had no access to
weapons, and she was transported to the
ER for a voluntary mental evaluation.
Illegal Fireworks
Two people called the police to com-
plain about fi reworks going off in the area
of Gateway Apartments. The offi cer re-
ported that the fi reworks were being shot
out of a pickup truck, but the truck was
gone when police arrived at the scene.
When it comes to looking ahead, look no further than your behind
BY NED HICKSON
News Media Corporation
Y
ou should be aware that
the idea of promoting an
important issue through a week
of “National Awareness” has
gotten...How can I put this tact-
fully?
Really stupid.
There was a time when, in or-
der to command the attention of
our entire country for a whole
week, you actually needed to
have an issue that was important.
It needed to be something that
could save lives, improve soci-
ety or, at the very least, boost
the sale of Hallmark cards.
But not anymore.
I say this because, as you may
or may not know, we’re in the
middle of “National Psychic
Week.” (For those of you who
did not know this, I’m sorry
— but there’s a good chance
you are not psychic.) Accord-
ing to one website, the purpose
of each week-long focus is to:
“dispel skepticism [of psychics]
through factual awareness.”
Thanks to an article that ap-
peared in the Eugene Register-
Guard, I have a better under-
standing of how it might take
an entire week to dispel all that
skepticism — especially after
reading about Ulf Buck, a blind
psychic from Meldorf, Ger-
many, who claims he can read
people’s futures by feeling their
naked buttocks.
(Warning to women who fre-
quent singles bars: Men who
frequent singles bars may be
reading this column.)
According to Buck, creases
representing success, career
and artistic ability extend in-
ward from the extremities of
the buttocks (Similar to a map
of Hollywood), while fi ve other
creases radiate outward. Though
Buck explained that those creas-
es represent areas such as love
and money, when asked about
that crease radiating down the
middle, he just said, “Ewww.”
My point is, if you have a
habit of sitting naked on wicker
furniture, don’t waste your time
getting a buttocks reading.
No. My real point is that peo-
ple no longer pay ANY attention
to “National Awareness” weeks
because the topics have gotten
so dumb. For example, when’s
the last time you observed “Na-
tional Fresh Breath” week with
any level of enthusiasm? Did
you gargle more? Brush better?
Buy an extra roll of Certs?
(No one in THIS offi ce did, I
can tell you that.)
The problem is that there are
no guidelines when it comes to
petitioning for “National Aware-
ness” status, which is why we
have 40 states that participate
in “Sky Awareness” week each
year. First of all, do we really
need a whole week? Unless
you’re lying face down getting a
buttocks reading, how long does
it take to look straight up? Con-
sidering that there are 10 states
that don’t observe “Sky Aware-
ness” week at all, we can con-
clude that they either, 1) Think
it’s dumb, 2) Put all of their ef-
forts into having a great “Fresh
Breath” week, or 3) Have no
idea the sky actually exists.
Which could explain the
idea behind “Brain Awareness”
week.
That’s right. The same peo-
ple who brought us “Mustard”
week and “Bat Survey” week
would like us to remember that
we have brains even though,
oddly enough, those same peo-
ple scheduled “National Hot
Dog” week to take place three
months AFTER “National Mus-
tard” week!
The bottom line, of course, is
that coming up with wisecracks
about buttocks readings, while
cheeky, requires more brain
activity than most “Awareness
Week” topics. Though I’m sure
that’ll change some day, exactly
when is anybody’s guess. Then
again, they do say hindsight is
20/20.
Just ask Ulf Buck...
(Ned is a syndicated colum-
nist with News Media Corpo-
ration. His book, Humor at the
Speed of Life, is available on-
line at Port Hole Publications,
Amazon Books and Barnes &
Noble. Write to him at nedhick-
son@icloud.com)
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