COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL August 5, 2015
Cottage Grove
Sentinel
If retirees don’t stop
moving here, we may
have to blow up some
whales
H ITCHING A RIDE
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BY NED HICKSON
News Media Corporation
Cottage-Grove-Sentinel
M
Congratulations!
Employee
to our
Resident
of the
Month
of the
Month
Suzanne
Hansen
Zada
Mcgoun
for the Month of July, 2015
Magnolia Gardens 541-942-0054
1425 Daugherty Ave. • Cottage Grove
Come to the
Humane Society of
Cottage Grove’s
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SALE
Sales Benefi t the
rea!
Animals In Our A
photo by Jon Stinnett
Middlefi eld Oaks residents and guests watch as Mondo the tur-
tle and Steve the iguana show off during the facility's Alzheim-
er's walk fundraiser Friday afternoon. The animals were guests
from Eugene's Zany Zoo, and the event also featured cotton
candy, hot dogs, a dunk tank and live entertainment. Middlefi eld
Oaks Director Tesla Thoms said that the event aimed to raise
funds for a team from the facility that plans to participate in the
Walk to End Alzheimer's on Sunday, Oct. 11 at Alton Baker Park
in Eugene. Those interested in joining the team may visit http://
act.alz.org/goto/middlefi eldoaks for more information.
Friday & Saturday
August 7 & 8
American Legion Hall
826 W. Main
Cottage Grove, OR
10:00 a.m. to 4 p.m.
S
E
I
V
MO
THURSDAYS
AT DUSK OUTSIDE
FRIDAYS 8 PM
MAP ROOM THEATER
SATURDAYS
5PM & 8 PM
MAP ROOM THEATER
'Quilters' opens Aug. 14
at Cottage Theatre
A
chapter of American history
comes alive on stage in August,
as Cottage Theatre presents “Quil-
ters,” a musical patchwork of pioneer
life, for 11 performances from Aug.
14-30. This fourth production of Cot-
tage Theatre’s 2015 season is written
by Molly Newman and Barbara Dam-
ashek and is based on “The Quilters:
Women and Domestic Art” by Patricia
Cooper and Norma Bradley Allen.
Based on true narratives of pioneer
women, “Quilters” dramatizes the
strenuous realities of 1800s frontier
life. Prairie fi res, twisters, starvation-
and death are interspersed with lively,
and often humorous, accounts of cabin
construction, courtship and childhood
pranks. The patterns of life — the dark
times contrasted with the light — are
refl ected in the women’s quilts, as are
the connection, strength and creativity
they shared.
Cottage Theatre’s production of
“Quilters” is directed by Eliza Roar-
ing Springs, with musical direction by
Catricia Mayhue and choreography by
Nancy Anderson. The all-female cast
features Brenda Sawyer as the mother,
and Stefhani Anderson, Siv Serene
Barnum, Amber Brower, Rosalia
D’Amato, Donia Hovet, Annie Read
Pusey, Madeleine Sisson, and Nancy
Anderson as her daughters.
Performances are Thursday, Friday
and Saturday evenings at 8 p.m. and
Sunday afternoons at 2:30 p.m.
In conjunction with this produc-
tion, the Cottage Grove Museum will
hold a special exhibit of historic quilts
from their collection. Cottage Quilts:
Piecing Together Our Past features
100 years of quilts from the museum
collection dating from 1840 through
1940. Special museum hours during
the run of Cottage Theatre’s Quilters
are Thursday from 4-6 p.m., Friday
and Saturday from 1-6 p.m. and Sun-
day from 1-4 p.m. The museum is
housed in a unique, octagonal, Nation-
al Register listed building constructed
in 1897 and located just blocks from
Historic Downtown Cottage Grove at
147 N. H Street. Admission to the mu-
seum is free.
any of you have heard that Florence, Ore.,
where my family and I live, was once again
named one of THE best places to retire in the Unit-
ed States. I say “many of you” because, at this very
moment, both roads leading into town are clogged
with traffi c, most of which consists of giant U-Hauls
driven by white-knuckled retirees from Florida. My
guess is that they were told to evacuate due to hurri-
cane [insert most recent here], and just kept heading
west until they (a) hit water again, or (b) found the
brake.
An article about our ranking recently appeared
in USA Today, and the Florence Chamber of Com-
merce has been fl ooded with calls from news agen-
cies wanting to know how it feels to be in the nation-
al spotlight, and if, due to the publicity, we expect
Kanye West anytime soon.
The truth is, we Florentines have earned ourselves
national attention twice before.
The fi rst was in 1970 when, while attempting to
dispose of a decomposing whale carcass (by utilizing
a well-thought-out plan involving (1) several pints of
beer at the Beachcomber Tavern and (2) a truckload
of dynamite), several onlookers complained of “be-
ing injured” after being struck by a piece of fl ying
blubber roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle.
Then in 1998, just as our tourism slogan “Stop
Your Blubbering and Come To Florence” was losing
its steam, we were back in the national spotlight after
our citywide search for a pet monkey named “Bobo”
that was mentioned on the Paul Harvey Show. This
led to our next tourism slogan, which I can’t repeat
here since, nowadays, petting someone’s “lucky
monkey” can mean something entirely different.
As you can imagine, being crowned as one of this
year’s Magic Kingdoms of retirement is very excit-
ing for everyone!
Except, of course, for those of us who (1) actu-
ally live here and (2) are not retired. That’s because
we Florentines must now live up to a national image
that, for the fi rst time, doesn’t include a crisis involv-
ing some type of mammal. We once had the comfort
of knowing that fl ying blubber, while helping boost
tourism, isn’t an amenity most people look for in a
retirement community. That has all changed. People
now know we have a performing arts center, library,
hospital, restaurants and, perhaps most importantly,
a large supply of healthy sea mammals.
This has led to an unprecedented number of visi-
tors, many of whom have already made arrangements
to have their Lay-Z-Boy drop-shipped by the end of
the week. It’s not that we don’t welcome the boost
to our local economy; we just want to make it to the
store without being struck by a Ryder truck.
So, to that end, we’d like to make two things clear
in order to keep the situation under control.
#1: Running past a house and throwing a wad of
cash in the yard does not constitute a purchase agree-
ment.
#2: It’s NOT okay to keep circling the city in your
moving truck until someone moves out.
As a community, we realize the impact national
exposure will have on our small town.
Which is why, as a community, we’re not above
blowing up another dead whale or launching a mon-
key attack in order to keep things from getting out
of hand.
Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media
Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications,
Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at
nedhickson@icloud.com
July 9 - August 29, 2015
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Before
movie, enjoy
a gourmet
FAST TIMES AT
THE
GREASE
THE
burger & RIDGEMONT
craft HIGH
beer in our Lounge,
HANGOVER
KARATE KID
only $12!
{R} AGES 18 AND OVER ONLY
Zach Galifianakis & Bradley Cooper
{R} AGES 18 AND OVER ONLY
Sean Penn & Jennifer Jason Leigh
{PG-13}
John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John
{PG}
Ralph Macchio & Pat Morita
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JAWS
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TOP
GUN
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THE PRINCESS
BRIDE
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THE
SANDLOT
{PG}
Roy Scheider & Richard Dreyfuss
{PG}
Tom Cruise & Tim Robbins
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Cary Elwes & Mandy Patinkin
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Tom Guiry & Mike Vitar
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CHILDREN
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AGES 3-11
ALL OTHER
AGES
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725 Row River Rd.
Cottage Grove
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Visit villagegreenresortandgardens.com for more information