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About The daily morning Astorian. (Astoria, Or.) 1883-1899 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 24, 1888)
nvfl egSP?rJ5f"S??'"r.P' jtS.SStF-"""s ft) V F A- fc S Ssfote. ASTORIA. OREGON: WEDNESDAY OCTOBEK24. 18S8. 2W.E HUMORIST. Eveby. one lias read a little of R. J. Burdette's humor in the newspa pers. It is true, genuine "humor,"' no cheap wit, or stinging sarcasm, or pointless punning, but that kind of hearty humor which brings tears to the eyes as well as laughter to the mind. Just now there is a paragraph going the rounds of the press to the effect that he has "turned preacher." Why, bless you brethren! he has been preaching for the last fifteen years; preaching the gospel of patience, sobriety, good intention, fulfillment of duty, good-natured fun, and his ser mons have had most extensive circu lation. Should Bob Burdette go into the pulpit to-morrow and "preach," doubt less he would deliver good sermons chuck full of the religion of every day life, but we doubt if he would do as much good as he has done as a "hu morist" with his hearty, cheery talk on paper, that has braced up many a poor devil and made him feel at least temporarily better. Here is a little extract clipped from one of his articles in the current num ber of an eastern paper: "How much does tho fretful, restless, hurrying old world owe to the patient mau van unua ma HtreuRiu in quieinesa and confidence1; who can be patient with our faults, our fancies, our wickedness; who can bo "quiet when the softest word would have a sting; who can wait for storms to blow over and for wrongs to right themselves; who can patiently and silently endare a slight until he has forgotten it; and who can even be patient with himself. That's the fellow, my boy, who tries my pa tience and strength more than any man else with whom I have to deal. I oonld get along with the rest of the world well enough if he were only oat of it. I can meet all my other care3 and enemies bravely and cheerfully enough. But when myself comes to me, with his heart aches and blunders and stumbling, with his own follies and troubles and sins, somehow he takes all the tuck out of me. My strength is weakness and my patience is folly when I come to deal with him. lie tires me. He is such a fool. He makes the same stupid blun ders in the same stupid way so many times. Sometimes when I think I must Fat up with him and his ways all my life, want to give up. And then the next time he comes to me with his cares and the same old troubles, he seems so help less and penitent that I feel sorry for him and try to be patient with, and promise to help him all I can once more. Ah, my dear boy, as yon grow older that is the fellow that will try and torment you, ana araw on your sympatny, and tax vour patience and strength. Be rci- tient with him, poor old fellow, because I think he does love you, and yet, as a raie, yon are naraer on mm man on any one else." Now, to our way of thinking there is about as much senBe, pathos, philos ophy, "preaching" and keen insight into human nature in the above ex cerpt, as is usually found in so many lines, and few can read the extract quoted without agreeing with its gen ial author, as to our need of charity and patience for our own dear selves. Eighty, cooks employed at the im perial palace, Constantinople, recently struck because the wages due them were not forthcoming, whereupon the whole crew was sent into exile for revolt Now here is where a mon archial form of government comes in. In this "land of the free and the home of the brave" a summer resort cook, single-handed and alone, will strike about dinner time, and the proprietor, so far from attempting to exilo him, falls prostrate before the mighty chef, pleads and entreats him to ac cept an increase of wage3 if he will only stay, and perhaps closes the scene by he himself going into the kitchen and standing guard over the sizzling steak. If any man has a right to feel that he is a free man in this country, that man is a hotel or restaurant cook, but over there well, they just keep back wages dne and then banish the poor cook in exile, probably to Siberia or elsewhere. American cooks cannot imagine how much they owe to the founders of this republic This is a country wherein the world stands in awe of the cook, and in which the carving knife is mightier than the sword. The betting mania is increasing in violence; it is wrong to bet; it is bad to risk money and lose it; but, some how, when a fellow human is strutting high and making political prophecies and telling you all about it, and that you are dead wrong, it is a kind of satisfaction now and then to the aver age man to tell the"blusterer that you have six bits, or maybe a dollar, that says he is mistaken. . Electric Bitters. Tills remedy is becoming so wt-1 known and so popular as to need no special mention. All who have used Electric Bitters sing the same song of praise. A purer medicine does not ex ist and it is guaranteed to do all that is claimed. Electric Bitters will cure all diseases of the Liver and Kidneys, will remove Pimples, Boils, Salt Rheum and other affections caused by impure blood. Will drive Malaria from the system and prevent as well as cure Malarial le xers. For cure of Headache, Constipa tion and Indigestion 'try Electric Bit ters Entire satisfaction guaranteed, or money refunded. Price 50 els. and S1.00 .per bottle at J. O.Ueroenfs. "IS 3UEKUGE A SrCCESS." Tito Beplles to Inquiries fcr Kill Sjc. Several weeks ago, yielding to the im pulse to do most anything I see others do, I prepared and sent out to quite a large number of people a set of questions bear ing upon a popular subject and begging a prompt reply. . I wrote the following note for inclosnre with the questiens: New Yoek, Oct. 1. 1883. "Dear Sir, or Madam, according to cir cumstances: "I beg leave to inclose a brief list of questions which relate to matters of great interest both to yourself and the pnblic Feeling most earnestly the im portance of these matters and that the pnmio might be greatly benehtteu by their discussion through the columns of the press, I have resolved to prepare this style of home treatment, or treatment by mail, as it might be called, rather than to hazard a call upon yon with the hope ui u perauuai interview wuuu yuu uikiii be otherwise engaged. "I hope you will give these questions early consideration and not treat them in a lignt, airy or uippant manner, write only on one side of each question, spell in a free, off-hand manner, and write with bluing or tincture of maple bark, both of these colors are so restful to, the eye. Should you use homemade ink. pleaso cut air-holes in the envelope and wire me in time so that I con meet the letter at the depot accompanied by pill- bearers. "Make each answer plain and succinct. Make it succinct anyway. Use your own style of thought, and if it helps von any to rest your tongue on the table while yon write, please do so. "Inclosed I beg leave to hand xost-paid envelopes addressed to myself, which I regard as a delicate tribute to your sterl ing merit and the value I place upon your opinions. "We .hope to have your answers in by the 10th, at least. Yours truly . "ThA nnPRtinns are as follews: "L Is marriage in your caso a failure? "2. If so, to what do you attribute it? "3. What would vou sasccst as a remedy for the present outlook? "i. Is your companion a good road ster? "fl. Do you beliove, that in your own oase, your union was sanctioned uy iioa or did von mn awav anu Bet marrieur "C. Bid you ever try the Ynnt col umns of the preas as a gentle stimulant, and if so, will you stato in your own lan guage now it resulted f "7. Do you keep help?" These questions were mailed in dupli cate to upwards of two hundred people whose names very likelyjiever before ap peared in print. I only givo a sample or two, but others are on hand and still more aro coming in on delayed trains. Should the public seem to take an inter est in the matter I may use some more of these letters in the future. Mr. Gurley T. Gurl, of Perth Amboy, writes: "DEin Sm: Your kind note was await ing mo on my return last evening. I hasten to reply. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, C, 7. Of marriago I can not say too much. I was only a floating particle in the great universe until I was wooed and won by her who sits by my side as I pen these- lines. I was only a sliver from the great woodpile of creation. I was so aimless, so empty, so hungry for the love of some one who had nothing else to "do. I would suggest as a remedy for present -conditions, more marriage and less toil. We are too apt to give up our live3 to industry, which makes peo ple coarse- and generally takes up their time. Marriage is really what we are here for. Marriage ennobles man and is certainly a great boom. My companion is one of the loveliest women on earth. She is also accomplished to beat any thing I ever saw. Sho can hold a con versation with herself in seven different languages, and plays the 'Maiden's Prayer so that people readily know what it is. I am sure that our union was sanctioned in the way you suggest, though I never use profane language myself. I did not try the 'want' column. 1 went to the seaside. We do not keep help. We board. At least I think so. We were only married yesterday. If you print this I wish you would say that my wife is a perfect lady and accomplished to a high degree. Also send me eight papers." Mrs. Shirley Bridington, of West St. Paul, Minn., writes: "1. I do not regard marriage in my own case as a glittering success. It oer tainly lacks many of the elements of success. People who envy mo my lot would not do so if they had to pay taxes on it. "2. I attribute tho failure of our mar riage largely to the personale of a party named La Fayette Birdington, who mar ried mo has resided in his club ever since. La Fayette Birdmgton labors un der the delusion that he is a popular favorito and that when he married me he kind of let himself down several notches. He has often said to me that he made a mistake and that his life had been thus wrecked. I told him that I knew ho was a wreck, but if I thought I had any hand in it I would be ashamed of myself. "Mr. Birdmgton loves to dwell on him self. About tho only real pleasure I have in conversing with him consists in draw ing him out and getting him to indorse himself. Ho has always had large bun ions on his egotism where it chafed against what he really is. "I attribute the failure of our marriage to this feature. -Mr. Birdington con siders me a social clog and seems to re gard me mostly in the light of a boarding house keeper who does not have to be paid. He comes home to change his socks, clean his teeth and take his bath. One time he was ill with gastric disturb ance brought on by high living at his club. He bad to remain at home two weeks, but living on the plain diet I am acoustomed to so brought back the flush of health to his wan cheek. "I could not suggest anything as a remedy in our case unless it would be the arrival at my door of an express wagon convevine the trunk of Mr. Birdington this afternoon and another wagon to morrow with his limb3. borne will say that I am hasty, perhaps, and unjust, but it I'm going to be a widow all my life, in fact, I'd like to have the credit of it. Mr. Birdincrton has the name of being cental, but at home lie swears at me and dares me to lay a hand on him. I've seen enough of his career to know that he is afraid of a man, but he knows be can bluff me, so he overworks his genial dis position among the boys and then sasses mo all the time he is at home. "One time a burglar got into the honse and I woko LaFayette up to tell him about it. Ho got up and went fnto the attic, where he remained until the burg lar went away. Then he came back and accused me of dividing the change in bis pockets with the burglar. "The other questions have nothing to uu wnu my case." ISIU AJC. Pear's is the purest and best ooap ever made. CMItaCryfcPitete'sCaitoria " I unhesitatingly add my testimony to the great bene fits to be derived from Sim mons Liver Regulator. I was afflicted for several years with disordered Liver, which resulted in a severe attack of Jaundice. I had good medical attendance, but it failed to restore me to the enjoyment of my for mer health. I then tried the most renowned physi cians of Louisville, Ky., but all to no purpose, where upon I was induced to try Simmons Liver Regulator. I found immediate benefit from its use, and it ulti mately restored me to the full enjoyment of health." A. H. Shihley, Richmond, Ky. "I most cheerfully recommend it to all who suffer from Bilious Attacks or any disease caused by a disarranged state of the Liver."... "..W.'R. Bernard, KansasCity, Mo. J. H. ZEILIH & CO., Philadelpha, Pa Price 81.00. THREE rEHFOUMAJiCES.OSLT. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Oct. 22, 23, 24. Appearance of the Pilme Favoilles Chas. C. Maubury -AND- Miss Nellie Boyd, Producing the 510,000 Spectaoular Seuatlon, "His Natural Life" TtfESJ.V Oct. 23, Passion's Slave. WEDNKSOAY. Oct. 51, The Romantic Melodrama. Unknown. OrTlfe River Mystery. Tills company carry all their own scenery to give full scenic and mechanical display to these attractive plays, and guarantee to produce every scene as advertised. Reserved Seats now on sale. Mercury, No Or any other Mineral Poison. It Is Nature' Remedy, msJa exclusive! J from Roots and Herbs. It Is perfectly Harmleis. It Is the only remedy known to the worl J that has ever yet Cured contagious SluoJt Iblson in all its stages. It cores Mercurial Rheumatism, Cancer, Scrofula, and other hlood diseases heretofore considered Incurable. It cures any disease caused from Impure hlood. It Is now pre scribed hy thousand? of the best physicians In the United States, as a tonic. Wo append the statement of a few : "Ihave used 8.8.3.0a patients convalesc ing from fever and from measles with tbe best results. J. N. Cncrcr, M.I), Elbwlllc. Qa." HitEiinM, a a. Willie White was. afflicted with scrofula evi n years. I prescribed S. S. 3., and to-day he is a fat and robust boy. C. W. Fabxcr, M. D. Ril-buod, Vt., D-c. 13. 1835. Ihavo taken three bottles of Swift's Specific tor secondary blood poison. It acts much better than poj. ash cr any other remedy I have eTer used. B. V. WrxiTELD, H. D., Formerly of Sussex Co., Va. Dr. E. J. Rile, the well-known druggist and physician, of Nashville, Howard County. Ark., writes : " Having soma knowledge as to what S. S. 8. Is composed of, I can safely recommend It as the remedy for all skin dis eases, it matters not what the name may be." We have a book giving a history of this wonderful remedy, and Its cures, from all over the world, which will convince yon that all wo say Is true, and which we win mall free on application. No family should be without It. Wehavo another on Contagious Blood Pokon, sent on same terms. Write us a history of your cose, and onr physician will advise with you by letter. In strictest confidence. We will not deceive you knowingly; For sole by all druggists. Tmt Swot SrEcmo Co , Drawer 3, Atlanta, Qa. New York, 756 Broadway. Iondon. Knir, 35 Snow Hill. . TILLAMOOK, Shoalwater Bay and Gray's Harbor The P. & C. S. S. Co.'s Steamer "ALLIANCE," Will sail from PORTLAND as follews: GRAY'S IT ARBOR-Thursday, October 4. li, is ana zj. Piovemuer j, s, in, ana ill, December C. 13, 20 and 27. SHOALWATER BAY-October 4 and 18. November 1.15 and 29. December 13 and 27. TILLAMOOK Monday-October 1. 15 and 20. November 12 and 2G. December 10 and 21. bteamer leaves Portland, from foot of C street at S P. M. on above dates. Astoria C A M. the following morning. The Company reserves lhe right to change time and place of sailing, F. K. STRONG. President. O.P. UPSHUR, Agent Astoria. For Rent. IaBOJl THE TWENTIETH INST., THE ? east half of Empire Store, now occupied by C. L. Parker. Inquire of C, S, GUNDEBSON. BOSS Opera House ' '-1 MARK! ' "" GELO T. FAUKEB. CAM. A. HAIfSOS Parker & Hanson SUCCESSOBS TO C. L. PARKER, DEALKE3IN GENERAL MERCHANDISE New Goods Arriving Every Steamer THIS WEEK, i The 0M Stand - Astoria Oregon. Valuable Property For Sale, HALF MILE FRONTAGE On the Columbia River, west of Astoria, in front of Sees. 23 and 24. T. $ N., It. 10 W. : suitable for mill sites, ftharfage, etc. Will be sold la Its entirety, or In lots to suit. Write or apply to HIRAM GRAY dw Sklpanon. Or. Allen & Krosel. Handsome Wall Paper, ARTISTIC DECORATION. Painting, Papering. Graining, Etc., . Done In Satisfactory Stjlo and at Satisfactory Prices. Corner. Jefferson and Cass Sts., Astoria, Or. J. H. D. GRAY wholesale and retail dealer tn. GROCERIES FLOUR, AND FEED Hay, Oats, Straw, Wood, Etc. LIME, SAND AND CEMENT General Storage and Wharfage on reason able terms. Foot of Benton street, Asturia. Oregon. flITY BOOK m m THE LEADING STATIONERS AND GRXFFXXT ESTABLISHED 1R12. i.MNR IKXi 'zwwmksWiK&KkamvJu I IIIMIIIUIIMHlinTtMaiRffllfr.SrTmillllllllllllllX - ( LINEN GILL NETTJNG.A.SPECIALTY. " The Oldest and Largest Manufacturers of IN THE UNITED STATES. Salmon Perse Seines. SaliDonMfli Nets. Salmon Sill Nets. EEish NVttriKRof all MiuU supplied at tho hortet p-HMhli1 iiotiw, and at the lowest rates. AU made from our Shephard Cold Medal Twines. Gaaranteed to be the strongest and most PACIFIC COAST FISHERIES. This TWINE is in mifui'iured only bv aim costs no mom in mii.MiS man uie cneaper grades. Send for samples; also for our illustrated catalogue. 11 illicit awards tl!olnn Philadelphia and London. American. 2Tet and BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS. EL B. PARKER, C DEALER IN FIRE BRICK. Hay, Oats, and Straw, Lime, Wood Dellrered to Order. Drajlii?, Tftnilag and Eiprem, Business. S XEB apply to tbe Captain, or to K " 'Ml' V Ml 1 1 Seines, Pounds, Traps, -AND- FISH NETTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION, MADE TO ORDEK OF BEST QUALITY. Woodberry Seine Twines AT LOWEST PRICES OF NETTING COMBINATION. Barbour's Salmon Net Threads. HENRY DOYLE & CO., Sole Agents for. REMOVAL Owing to intended removal from our. present location to Flavel's new 'brick building, we will fren: now on, until further notice, Sell Our Entir Great Bargains in ISweryihing. THE NEW YORK NOVELTY STORE Main VWatchmakcr fS Jeweler. 4 City Tax Notice. NOTICE IS nEREBY GIVEN TIIAT THE Tax Roll of the city of Astoria, Clatsop county, Oregon, Is now In my bands for col lection and will lemain with me for thirty days, after which time the taxes remaining unpaid will be deemed delinquent, and as such will be retumed to tho Auditor. J. G. HUSTLER, City Treasurer and Tax Collector. STORE. BOOK SELLERS. & HEED. CAPITAL $350,000. &nm ??w sssm ?tte 4lv NETTINGS. desirable twine now made esjiecinlly for the our - plws d lecllj iroiti die niw maleilal, Twine Company. FIRE CLAY Brict, Cement, Sand anfl Plaster STEAMER C Li III PARKER Eben P, Parker,M 'aster. ForTOWINO. FREIGHT or(!IIAR II. II. l'AIlKEB. 917 anil 519 Met St., the Paciflo Coast. WE OFFER St., Opposite Parker WHOLESALE AND RETAIL DEALER IN Groceries, Provisions and Mill Feed. Crockery, Glass g Plated Ware. o The Largest and finest assortment of Fresh. Fruits and Vegetables. Received fresh every Steamer. PARKER'S lill P1 &maf EMPIRE BARBOUR'S Irish Flax Threads HAVE NO maa lifim III HKIiflRr.BFlBaii glrCN V- HOUSE F0UI10E0.- 1784-..- J JsEfL GRAND PRIX PARIS 1878, AND GRAND CROSS OF THE LEGION D'HONNEUR. They received the ONLY GOLD MEDAL For FLAX THREADS at tho London Fisheries And have been awarded HIGHER PRIZES-at tho various INTERNATIONAL EXPOSITIONS, Than the goods of any other TfiERBAD MANUFACTURERS IN THE -WORLD. Quality Can Alisrays be Depended on. Eneriiceft Fieii ""Use i Other. HENRY DOYLE & CO., 517 and 519 Market Street, SAN FRANCISCO. AGENTS FOR PACIFIC COAST. WOODBERRY SEINE TWINE, ROPE and NET TING Constantly on Hand. SEINES, POUNDS and TRAPS furnished to order at Lowest Factory Prices, - sw n sH B BHH BB acnfice. P Blouse. Laird, Schober & Mitchell's FINE SHOES. A FULL LINE, Satisfaction Guaranteed. STORE EQUAL ! stisiirwjf Exhibition 1883. v tafeKsfejg. aSiVji i'll!Jy k :jb.-'