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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2017
Santa Summit prompts Greenland to establish ‘No-Fly Zone’
Ned
Hickson
One of the things that
makes email so great is, if
you come across something
that absolutely HAS to be by
everyone you know — like
say a picture of a cat doing
chin-ups — you can simply
click a button and send it to
100 people.
Or in the case of my
favorite aunt who still hasn't
mastered this process, you
can send that very same knee-
slapping picture to one person
— such as your favorite
nephew — 100 times.
The reason I bring this up
is because, if not for email, I
sincerely doubt someone from
Midland, Mich., would’ve
gone to the trouble of sending
me a photo of 176 Santas
standing on the deck of a
fishing boat off the coast of
Greenland (and YES, this is
primarily the kind of e-mail I
get.) I should mention that we
were one of 50 newspapers
that received the photo, which
was part of an announcement
letting people know that
classes at the Charles W.
Howard Santa Claus School
had come to an end.
Now, opening my email at
5:45 a.m. to find a pack of
wild Santas waving cham-
pagne glasses at me from the
bow of a fishing boat was
enough to make me re-start
my computer AND swear-off
watching any more clayma-
tion Christmas cartoons after
9 p.m.
However, it wasn’t enough
to keep me from visiting the
school’s website in order to
find out the connection
between Michigan, 176 wild
Santas, and what must’ve
been the strangest cruise ship
experience this side of
Orlando.
What I discovered was that
the photo was taken during
the first-ever Santa Summit in
Northern Greenland, where
men and women from 13 dif-
ferent countries — including
the U.S. — came together to
exchange ideas, drink too
much and get stuck in the
chimneys of local villagers.
This would explain why all
176 Santas were apparently
confined to a large fishing
boat and taken out to sea. It
also explains why Greenland,
a peace-loving country that
has no military of its own and
proudly proclaims it has
never waged war on anyone,
recently passed a resolution
allowing persons dressed as
Santa to be attacked by snow
dogs and/or harpooned on
sight.
No questions asked.
Given that all three of my
questions had been answered,
the safe thing to do would
have been to delete the photo
and get back to work. But as
we all know, the internet can
be a dangerous place, particu-
larly for those who are
impressionable, unsupervised,
and not facing a deadline.
As a result, I discovered
some interesting mathemati-
cal equations about Santa’s
yearly trip around the world.
To begin with, Santa actually
has 31 hours to work with on
Christmas Eve, thanks to the
different time zones and the
rotation of the earth.
Considering that Santa is
able to deliver an estimated
91.8 million presents in that
amount of time, I really have
no business whining about
going to Target and having
my dozen or so presents
wrapped for me while I sit
across the street drinking
Dutch Bros.
In addition, for Santa to
make all of his stops by
Christmas morning, he must
fly at speeds in excess of 650
miles per second. Given that
the air resistance would be
similar to a spacecraft re-
entering the Earth’s atmos-
phere, we can safely assume
that Rudolf and the rest of
Santa's reindeer would burst
into flames and cause a sonic
boom loud enough to knock
the top ornament off of every
Christmas tree on the planet.
Santa, meanwhile, would
be pinned to the back of his
sleigh by a gravitational force
about 17,500 times stronger
than Earth's gravity.
Of course, this is all just
speculation.
Odds are, he might not
make it past Greenland.
(You can write to Ned Hickson
at nedhickson@icloud.com, or
c/o Siuslaw News, 148 Maple St.,
Florence, OR 97439)
What the Dickens? Another community Christmas tradition!
‘A Christmas
Memory’
Review
B Y B URNEY G ARELICK
‘Tis the season to be jolly —
to laugh, sing, and dance in the
expectations of Christmas pres-
ent and the memories of
Christmas past. Florence has
been doing its part with the
hilarious Holly Jolly Follies’
“Totally Twisted Tinsel,” Ballet
Fantastique’s innovative dance
adaptation of “A Christmas
Carol” and the swinging harmo-
ny of the Emerald City Jazz
Kings’ Old-Fashioned
Christmas.
This weekend, Dec. 16 and
17, Class Act Theatre (CAT)
takes us on a sleigh ride back to
the 1930s, an economically
depressing decade between the
Roaring 20s and World War II.
CAT presents “A Christmas
Memory,” a charming, poignant
story that embraces the mean-
ing of the yuletide season.
Directed with affection by
Leah Goodwin, “A Christmas
Memory” is an autobiographi-
cal story by Truman Capote
reflecting his memories grow-
ing up in rural Alabama. This
gentle story comes as a surprise
from the author of “In Cold
Blood” and “Breakfast at
Tiffany’s,” although it comes
closest to revealing his heart
and soul.
“A Christmas Memory” is
the recollection of Buddy, sent
to live with an aging cousin of
60-some years, her dog
Queenie, and a houseful of irri-
tating voices. Buddy and Sook,
as she is called, have lots to do
to prepare for Christmas-baking
30 fruitcakes for acquaintances
and Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
choosing a Christmas tree and
making ornaments and pres-
ents.
It’s a delightful tale of a lov-
ing relationship of equals. It’s
an absorbing story that quiets
the spirit, a respite from the hol-
iday hustle and bustle.
Even if you don’t like fruit-
cake, you’ll relish the interplay
between Buddy and Sook as
performed by the Modern
Major General and opera diva
Maria Callas.
Wait a minute. Did the sleigh
take a wrong turn?
Relax. Florence’s many fine
actors play many parts. Two of
the finest have changed cos-
tumes and characters for “A
Christmas Memory.” Jim
Wellington, the fast-talking
Modern Major General from
the Last Resort Players’
“Pirates of Penzance” (2016),
assumes the role of the adult
Buddy, the story’s narrator, and
the 70-year-old Buddy, the
story’s participant.
Annie Schmidt, who as
Maria Callas devastated opera
students in the LRP’s “Master
Class” (2017), transforms into a
poor, unsophisticated, resource-
ful country woman.
Wellington’s Buddy carries
loose pages which he consults
often, as if he’s writing his
memoirs, and Schmidt is
endearing with fewer lines and
many actions. She’s a puppet
character grown-up Buddy is
recreating. His memories and
his reflections of those memo-
ries overlap like waves on an
ocean of diamonds.
Capote’s words are graceful,
elegant and uncomplicated. The
story flows naturally from the
stage into your heart, making a
new Christmas memory.
But wait. There’s more.
“A Christmas Memory” is
preceded by “Radio ReRun,” a
1930s radio show with a dozen
players including a pianist, an
enthusiastic bell ringer and a
horse, all singing, telling jokes,
and doing commercials for
Maxwell
House
Coffee,
Campbell Soup and Lux Soap.
Directed with wit by Mary
Conley, the radio station, filling
half the stage, is called KCAT
(what else!) Songs include “I
Saw Mama Kissing Santa
Claus” and “The Twelve Days
After Christmas.” There’s a
bickering sketch by the
Bickersons, played by CAT pro-
prietors Rosemary and David
COURTESY PHOTO
Thurs-Sat
12/14-12/16,
9am-6pm,
87791 Sandrift St.,
Estate Sale, great prices,
excellent items,
many brand new.
Take Rhody to Saltaire,
to Sandrift.
same song, as he prepares to
share his Christmas memories.
It's a gift worth giving year after
year.
“A Christmas Memory”
plays at CAT on Saturday, Dec.
15, and Sunday, Dec. 16 at 7
p.m., with a Sunday matinee at
2 p.m.
For more information, call
CAT at 541-991-3773.
FREE
garage sale signs
541-997-3441
with your ad
BOYS & GIRLS CLUB
of Western Lane County
1601 15th Street • Florence, OR 97439
541-902-0304
Great Futures Start Here
Volunteer
Get
involved
Florence Food Share provides food to those
who are hungry in our community. If you have
four hours a week available, we are in need of
volunteers to staff our Front Desk and also act
as Guides as clients walk through the pantry.
Please call our volunteer coordinator, Ivy Medow,
@ 541-997-9110 (Monday – Friday, before noon)
to learn more about volunteering. info@lorence-
foodshare.org 2190 Spruce Street.
CROW looking for masquerade mask artists
The Children’s Repertory of
Oregon Workshops (CROW)
will host a fundraiser on
Saturday, Feb. 17, and is seek-
ing help from the Florence arts
community to decorate one-of-
a-kind masquerade masks.
This do-not-miss event is
entitled “Black and White
Ball,” and will include live
music from the “Pop Rocks” of
Eugene, silent auction, wine
pull and much more.
The masquerade mask base
will be provided, and artists
may use any materials to create
their design, with one caveat:
They may only use Black and
White with silver/gold accents.
Artists will donate time,
materials and masks that will
then be sold at the event.
CROW hopes to raise funds
to provide scholarships and
educational materials for
Lauria.
Mind the applause sign and
do your part.
The radio program ends with
a song, “I’ll Be Home for
Christmas.” The players exit,
and without intermission, “A
Christmas Memory” begins.
The other half of the stage
lights up, and Buddy stands at
the kitchen radio singing the
Donate
Do your part and
volunteer today
to help support
these local non-proft
organizations in
our community!
Volunteers needed for new home construction, home repairs, general
offi ce work, public relations and program administration. Join an
operating committee and help Habitat help others!
Call 541-902-9227 or e-mail to fl orencehabitat@gmail.com
Offi ce located at 2004 HWY 101, Florence
CROW is looking for artists to create masquarde masks
for their upcoming “Black and White Ball” in February.
2018's youth summer theatre
camps, as well as production
and technical theatre supplies
for their upcoming show,
“Disney's Tarzan,” to be held
at the Florence Events Center
April 13-15.
“Thank you to our wonder-
ful local artists for supporting
CROW kids,” CROW Artistic
Director Melanie Heard said.
“The arts really do matter.”
For a mask base, email
Heard at crowtheaterkids@
yahoo.com.
Viewfinders names December contest winners
Assisting those in need in our Community.
Free Hot Meals Mon-Wed-Fri
12:30 AM - 1:30 PM
HELPING HANDS COALITION
Volunteer
Get
involved
Donate
Do your part and
volunteer today
to help support
these local non-proft
organizations in
our community!
December photo winners were by (from left) Stephanie Ames, Curt Peters and Craig
Shreeve.
The Siuslaw Viewfinders Camera Club theme
for December was “Moods in Black & White,”
and members came up with an a wide array of
photo submissions.
First place went to Stephanie Ames for her
photograph, which showed a couple dodging a
gigantic wave at the coast titled “They
Survived.”
Curt Peters took second with an up-close
photo of a raven straight out of Edgar Alan Poe.
Craig Shreeve’s third place image was a com-
posite of the Bandon Lighthouse with a magnif-
icent old pirate ship apparently about to crash
onto the rocks.
The next meeting of the Viewfinders Club
will be Monday, Jan. 8, in the Bromley Room of
The Siuslaw Public Library. The theme for
January is “The Sound of Music.”
New Life Lutheran Church,
2100 Spruce St, next to Foodshare,
Call 541-997-5057 to Volunteer
Meals on Wheels are available to people over the
age of 60 who cannot get out much due to illness
or advanced age and who are not eating properly,
regardless of income. Cafe 60 is available for those
who prefer to make new friends in a dining room
setting.
1570 Kingwood • PO Box 2313, Florence
541-997-5673
laneseniormeals.org
Operating Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Saving men one
PSA test at a time.
541-997-6626
maribob@oregonfast.net
Someone to talk to...
who understands!
To include your
The Salvation Army
organization
in this directory,
Western Lane County
please call us Col. Sam Spayd, Volunteer Kettle Coordinator
P.O. Box 1041, Florence, Oregon 97439
@ 541-997-3441
541-991-6139