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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2016
Naturally, I’ll be dressing as Marilyn Monroe to help fight cancer
my skirt will be blown
Ned
upward, revealing a sight that
Hickson even Miley Cyrus said
I don’t have good-looking
legs.
Not even in heels, which I
have worn during the Men’s
March Against Domestic
Violence, and also the night I
turned 21.
Fortunately, in both cases
(well, one for sure) I had
pants on, so other than look-
ing like a standard poodle
walking on its hind legs for a
dog biscuit, everyone was
spared from seeing my hairy
stork legs.
To be honest, even a stork
would probably wear pants if
it had my legs.
However, come Saturday at
2 p.m., I will jeopardize the
vision of hundreds of people
at the Relay For Life by
dressing as Marilyn Monroe
for the “Mr. Relay” fundraiser
competition
Naturally, I will be wearing
heels. And yes, at some point
“Crosses the line of decen-
cy.”
I’m relieved to say I won’t
be alone in this endeavor.
At least, I better not be.
The way it was explained
to me, there will be about a
dozen men dressing as their
favorite female movie actress
or character. Given that I’ll be
turning 50 a few days later, it
seemed like the perfect
opportunity to cross off
“Emotionally scar as many
people as possible all at once”
from my bucket list.
I had actually considered
dressing as “Black Widow”
from “The Avengers,” but the
thought of wearing something
THAT skintight had me wor-
ried. Not so much because of
my figure, but out of fear that
my growing lack of flatulence
control as I’ve aged might
cause the suit to expand like a
piece of Hubba Bubba bubble
gum.
If it were to pop, the con-
cussion could cost people
their hearing.
And I don’t even want to
think of what could happen if
the stage is anywhere near an
open flame.
Remember the
Hindenberg?
So for everyone’s safety,
I’m going to stick with
Marilyn Monroe. Though
there is still the risk of emo-
tional scarring, at least there’s
good ventilation.
Some of you might be ask-
ing,“Why are you doing this
to us?”
A portion of the money
each of contestant raises goes
to support cancer research,
with the rest going to pro-
grams in and around our com-
munity. Like many of you, I
have lost people I love to can-
Crews to complete fog seal
on 35th Street Aug. 10–12
The City of Florence will be
completing a hot oil chip and
fog seal, as well as a
MicroCoat application, on
35th Street between Pine and
Siano Loop from Wednesday,
Aug. 10, to Friday, Aug. 12,
depending on the weather.
As with any street construc-
tion project, there will be
slight delays in the area.
Residents are advised to use
alternate routes to avoid the
work area between Aug. 10-
12.
Drivers should slow down
and be patient and attentive to
the traffic control flaggers.
Chip Sealing is a common
pavement maintenance prac-
tice that extends pavement life
and provides a good driving
surface. With chip seals, a thin
film of heated asphalt liquid is
sprayed on the road surface,
followed by the placement of
small aggregates “chips.” The
chips are compacted to orient
the chips for maximum adher-
ence to the asphalt, and excess
stone is swept from the sur-
face.
A fog seal is then applied to
further bind the chips to the
asphalt liquid, protect the chip
seal from UV rays and finish
the road preservation.
The city will apply a
MicroCoat to the bike lanes
along 35th Street, which is a
micro seal coating system that
will protect the bike lanes
from degradation. MicroCoat
was specifically designed for
the Pacific Northwest and pro-
vides a smoother surface for
bicyclists and pedestrians. The
pigment in the application will
provide additional definition
to the bike lanes to improve
visibility and safety.
cer, including a best friend
who was barely 30.
And yes, he had much bet-
ter legs than me.
If my hairy stork legs can
help keep someone else from
losing a loved one to cancer,
I’m all in.
Even if “in” means wearing
a short dress and high heels.
If you’d like to contribute
by supporting my ugly legs,
stop by the newspaper or, if
you’re afraid I might be wear-
ing shorts, you can send a
check to:
Cancer Society and, if you’d
like, put “Ned’s Hairy Legs”
in the subject line on the
check. Not that ther'll be a
cure for those anytime soon.
Thank you in advance for
your support, whether it be
financially or emotionally —
especially for those who will
actually see my legs this
Saturday. They will continue
to collect donations for this
event through the end of
August. If you send or drop
off a check before Aug. 31,
I’ll make sure it gets to them!
If it arrives after that, I’ll
use it for a leg wax...
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
The Siuslaw News
c/o Ned’s Hairy Legs
148 Maple Street
Florence, Or 7 97439
Please make checks
payable to The American
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2016 Relay
Relay for
for Life
Life of of Florence
Florence
Saturday, Aug
Saturday,
Aug 13
13 - - Sunday
Sunday 14 14
10:00 a.m.
a.m. to
to 10:00
10:00 a.m.
a.m.
At
At Miller
Miller Park
Park
Luminaria Ceremony
Luminaria
Ceremony 9:00p.m.
9:00p.m.
This ceremony of light symbolizes the hope and courage with which wHDOOFRQWLQXHWRÀJKWFDQFHr.
A parent, sibling, friend or neighbor, we all know someone who has been touched by cancer.
After sunset at each Relay For Life event, the track is encircled with luminaria decorated with the
names of those who have battled cancer. This ceremony of light symbolizes the hope and courage
with which we all continue to ÀJKW cancer. If you would like to make a donation for a luminaria at our
LCC Florence
Relay For Life, simply complete the form and bring to the Relay For Life Event.
open house
Get a preview of Lane
Community
College
Florence
Center’s
fall
Continuing Education cours-
es and trips during an open
house Tuesday, Aug. 16 at at
10:30 a.m.
“This is an opportunity for
interested community mem-
bers to meet instructors and
hear firsthand about exciting
courses and Outward Vent-
ures excursions planned this
fall,” said Marsha Sills, LCC
Florence Center Continuing
Education coordinator.
The campus’ Continuing
Education department offers
lifelong learning options
through classes and Outward
Ventures, a program that pro-
vides cultural and education-
al trips to sites in the region.
Attendees will have a
chance
to
win
free
Continuing Education fall
registration, up to $50. Door
prizes and light refreshments
will be provided.
Fall registration begins
Sept. 6.
2016 Relay for Life Luminaria Order Form
(Please print information)
Your name: _________________________________________________________________
Phone (Day / Evening:) _______________________________________________________
Team Credit:
____________________________________________________________
I would like a candle lit:
Name: _____________________________________________________________________
Check One: ____ Honor ____Memory ____Support Of ____Thanks to Caregiver
Name: _____________________________________________________________________
Check One: ____ Honor ____Memory ____Support Of ____Thanks to Caregiver
Name: _____________________________________________________________________
Check One: ____ Honor ____Memory ____Support Of ____Thanks to Caregiver
Please make checks payable to: American Cancer Society
FOR MORE
INFORMATION
OR
TO SIGN UP TODAY
CALL TOLL FREE
1-800-ACS-2345
Requested minimum
donation of $5.00 per
luminaria
Donation Amount:
$_______________